Bream Gives Me Hiccups (7 page)

And as for paolo, who I'm NOT defending: he is not as bad as Milosevic! That's not fair. He may be flirtatious, but that's just part of his
culture
. And nothing is happening between us. If anything, he's like former Speaker of the Croatian Parliament, President Stjepan Mesić: harmless.

KENDRA:
Harmless?
I am literally ROFL, Amy! Mesić was an Ustaše apologist(!) and a severely corrupt leader of an already corrupt state, with a shoddy presidential campaign bankrolled by the Albanian Mafia! Maybe if you did less dancing in your little bird costume (hope PETA doesn't come to the show!) and more studying about Central European post-Soviet conflict zones, you would know what you were talking about!

AMY:
First of all, I'm a vegan (unlike your saintly/victimized little brother) so don't get me started about PETA. Second of all, Mesić was never convicted of any corruption charges related to his campaign, so don't go throwing around accusations like their convictions.
²

KENDRA:
Apologies for my tangential comments about your
bird costume. It actually sounds nice (I love sequins on anything!) and I commend you for your vegan lifestyle, which is a diet I support but struggle to personally implement.

AMY:
Thanks for your apology re: my costume (I love sequens too!!!) As for your diet, you should try quinoia with a light soy sauce, unless you're gluten free?

KENDRA:
No, I'm not gluten free (anymore!). I was for like three months. Lost eight pounds! Then found it again. ;-(

AMY:
Hate that! ANYWAY. Regarding Paolo, yes I am spending time with him and YES, I think he's attractive, but that doesn't mean I'm like cheating on your brother, who by the way, would do the SAME THING, if the roles were reversed. Like if Radovan Karadžić had gone to school in Škofja Loka and Jože Pučnik in Banja Luka—I don't think Jože would exactly be walking around Eurozone meetings right now giving double cheek kisses to Christine Lagarde! What would Slavoj Žižek say about your moral absolutism?

KENDRA:
Hmm. Žižek would probably be unimpressed with my impractical strivings for a false post-Marxist utopia.

AMY:
And another thing! If you think Alija Izetbegović was a benign victim maybe you should read his 1970 manifesto
Islamic Declaration
, which I just downloaded in PDF. It has eerily similar passages to emails that your brother has sent me—Izetbegović calling for the modernization of Bosnia
only
in conjunction with the teachings of the Qur'an and your brother calling for me to meet him after school
only
if I agree to bowling (which
I hate doing and which he knows because it hurts my thumbs!)

KENDRA:
Dear Amy, your points are insightful, valid, and ultimately well researched. (I did not know about the bowling incident.) In light of these sobering thoughts, I actually do think a breakup between you and my brother, not dissimilar to the former Yugoslavia, is coming. While I would love to see you two stay together, the world knew that, without Tito, Yugoslavia would never maintain stability and, without real understanding, you and my brother are likely doomed. And, in an attempt to avoid another Srebrenića, I think a peaceful breakup would be best.

Frankly, the last thing I would want to do is what the United States did under Clinton, which we both know was too little and too late. In that way, I think that maybe you and my brother should part ways before the fighting becomes even more violent than it already is. I wish you the best with your upcoming recital and I will relay our decision to my brother, who will most likely not attend it now that you two are no longer together.

AMY:
Dear Kendra, thank you for your sensitive remarks and for not being a bitch like I was worried you might be. I look forward to meeting you in person ;-) even if it means going behind your brothers back (Karađorđevo Round 2? JK). Although, just to make sure things don't get too heated, we should probably meet with a mediator like former Assistant Secretary of State Richard Holbrooke! lol!

KENDRA:
Right! Or Slovak diplomat Miroslav Lajčák! So we don't wind up with another Višegrad!

AMY:
Or worse, Foča!

KENDRA:
LMFAO!

AMY:
;-) Have a great summer Kendra.

KENDRA:
You too.

1
. John F. Burns, “Serbian Plan Would Deny the Muslims Any State,”
New York Times
, July 18, 1993.

2
. “Sud: Darko Petričić nije oklevetao Stjepana Mesića,”
Slobodna Dalmacija
, March 29, 2012.

MY PRESCRIPTION INFORMATION PAMPHLETS AS WRITTEN BY MY FATHER

BRAND NAME:
Ativan

GENERIC NAME:
Lorazepam (
lor-A-ze-pam
)

CLASS:
Anti-anxiety/Sleep Aid

COMMON USE:
This medication was prescribed by your doctor to help you sleep because it's difficult to fall asleep when you don't engage in physical activity.

SIDE EFFECTS:
May cause fatigue, though this probably won't affect your schedule.

IN CASE OF OVERDOSE:
Drink several ounces of water, which comes out of the faucet and could also be used to wash dishes.

BRAND NAME:
Adderall

GENERIC NAME:
Amphetamine and Dextroamphetamine (
am-FET-a-meen and DEX-troe-am-FET-a-meen
)

CLASS:
Stimulant

COMMON USE:
This medication was overprescribed by your doctor because he's paid by the pharmaceutical industry to overprescribe this to you. Do you know how many people were on Adderall in the last four years? Thirty-seven million! That's two million more people than the entire population of Canada—a country that, not incidentally, banned Adderall! It's legal to smoke Marijuana in Canada (and I know you have; your sister told me that you smoked Marijuana with your friend Peter Jaworski when he was at McGill), but Adderall is illegal!

SIDE EFFECTS:
May be habit forming. In the same way lateness, dressing like a teenager, and not sending your mother birthday cards has become habit forming.

IN CASE OF OVERDOSE:
Taking any amount of is medication is an overdose.

BRAND NAME:
Zoloft

GENERIC NAME:
Sertraline (
SER-tra-leen
)

CLASS:
Antidepressant/Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitor

COMMON USE:
This medication was prescribed by your doctor because you probably told him about the time I threw the alarm clock at the wall and accidentally hit you in the head. I was throwing it AT THE WALL! I had a terrible
day; a man is allowed to throw things in his own home. I have apologized that it accidentally hit you in the head— a fact I don't dispute—but you should apologize for this constant, frankly self-aggrandizing and self-pitying claim of child abuse that never existed. You're not happy? Who's happy? Why does everyone in this country think a pill will make them happy? Did you know that China is now producing more doctors and engineers than the United States? And what are you doing about it? You're writing a book! Wow! Thank you! Thank you, son, for writing an “ironic” book about talking chimpanzees in New York City! If it's as “meta” and “reflexive” as you claim, it will probably bring us out of this recession! Take that, China and India! A “postmodern” book about talking monkeys!

SIDE EFFECTS:
This medication causes severe erectile dysfunction. And beyond any concern for your tawdry sex life, your mother would like grandchildren at some point and, with your sister currently gay, you're the last Mohican.

IN CASE OF OVERDOSE:
Stick your finger down your throat and stand over the toilet. And don't just run into the kitchen and throw up in front of your mother like you “couldn't make it to the bathroom in time.” Everyone knows that's a bullshit ploy for sympathy. But it doesn't work. It just makes her nauseous.

BRAND NAME:
Haldol

GENERIC NAME:
Haloperidol (
HAL-oh-PER-i-dol
)

CLASS:
Antipsychotic/Schizophrenia (Jesus Christ!)

COMMON USE:
Are you selling this on the street or something? How did you even get it? Did you tell your psychiatrist you hear voices or something? Well, hear this: If you want me to keep paying for your COBRA so you can pay this shrink, you need to get a job. How could you even trust a doctor like this? Who the hell is this guy? I told you to come home to New Jersey, don't go to a shrink in the West Village. Your mother and I are right by the university. The doctors there are just fine and they're half the price. You know, Howard asked me about you the other day and I accidentally told him you were taking this Haldol drug. It's embarrassing to me. None of his kids take anything like this and Jenny's dyslexic.

SIDE EFFECTS:
It's probably too bad I was never prescribed these pick-me-ups when I was abusing my gay, schizophrenic children. I was probably too busy heaving alarm clocks at your head to indulge in a hoity-toity, West Village, $350-a-minute shoulder to cry on! And I turned out terribly, didn't I?! Becoming the youngest partner at my firm! Buying a six-bedroom, three-and-a-half-bath in Fort Lee! Twenty-six years married to the same woman and three Carnival Cruises together! Yeah, I'm a really awful person.

IN CASE OF OVERDOSE:
Don't tell your mother.

MY NEPHEW HAS SOME QUESTIONS

ME:
I need you to buckle up back there, buddy.

MY NEPHEW:
Why?

ME:
I just do.

MY NEPHEW:
Why?

ME:
Because I care about you.

MY NEPHEW:
Why?

ME:
Because you're my sister's son. And I care about her.

MY NEPHEW:
Why?

ME:
Because I just do.

MY NEPHEW:
Why?

ME:
Because, I guess, when I was born, she was three years old, and like any younger sibling I put her on a pedestal.

MY NEPHEW:
Why?

ME:
I probably idealized her, which is strange considering your mom was not very nice to me.

MY NEPHEW:
Why?

ME:
She was an only child and when I came along she was forced to share everything.

MY NEPHEW:
Why?

ME:
We both had needs and I think it was difficult for our parents to satisfy us both.

MY NEPHEW:
Why?

ME:
Because needs are so ephemeral. I think it was Maslow who said, “It's a rare and difficult psychological achievement to know what we want.”

MY NEPHEW:
Why?

ME:
Because he was writing at a time when social psychology was bending toward humanism and self-actualization.

MY NEPHEW:
Why?

ME:
Because there was this trend in post-Freudian behavior study that was vastly underexamined in Western psychology.

MY NEPHEW:
Why?

ME:
Because the world was still sorting everything out. Well, not the whole world. The East, in its way, had already found answers.

MY NEPHEW:
Why?

ME:
Because their societies were more fixed.

MY NEPHEW:
Why?

ME:
Probably because of the Mongols. They unified these huge swaths of cultures by force.

MY NEPHEW:
Why?

ME:
I guess they thought that amassing land was important.

MY NEPHEW:
Why?

ME:
Because it was the most explicit form of achievement. Today, we value amassing currency.

MY NEPHEW:
Why?

ME:
Because it's easier than invading a country. But in some ways it could be just as dangerous—if not more.

MY NEPHEW:
Why?

ME:
Because there's a finite amount of land. But currency expands exponentially.

MY NEPHEW:
Why?

ME:
Partly due to the nature of economy, but also because of some ill-conceived relationships between the developing world and economic organizations—the World Bank, the IMF. Look at Zimbabwe.

MY NEPHEW:
Why?

ME:
Because it's a good example of how inflation can ravage a country. People were literally taking wheelbarrows of cash to buy a loaf of bread.

MY NEPHEW:
Why?

ME:
Because there was a power-hungry dictator promoting failed land reform policies.

MY NEPHEW:
Why?

ME:
Because for so long it had been a white colony—Rhodesia—with generations of horrible disenfranchisement.

MY NEPHEW:
Why?

ME:
Because there was a scramble for power. (Which goes back to what we were saying about the Mongols.)

MY NEPHEW:
Why?

ME:
It's the nature of man. And, I guess, in some ways,
I'm
a victim of this unquenchable thirst for money.

MY NEPHEW:
Why?

ME:
Well, it's easy to blame the “system”—capitalism, pioneer culture in the United States, what Chomsky called “economic fascism”—but it's probably my own fault.

MY NEPHEW:
Why?

ME:
Because I had opportunities to take a different path, but for some reason, I felt compelled to chase the elusive dollar. You know, I actually wanted to be a philosophy major.

MY NEPHEW:
Why?

ME:
It's totally corny, but as a teenager I loved Immanuel Kant.

MY NEPHEW:
Why?

ME:
No one's ever asked me that before, little guy. But I guess I loved how
simple
he made everything.

MY NEPHEW:
Why?

ME:
Because Kant gave concrete answers to complicated problems and that was comforting.

MY NEPHEW:
Why?

ME:
Because I had tons of questions about morality and ethics.

MY NEPHEW:
Why?

ME:
You know, I haven't talked about this in years, but I spent
some time in a juvenile detention center when I was twelve.

MY NEPHEW:
Why?

ME:
Because they accused me of breaking into school in the middle of the night and setting one of the classrooms on fire.

MY NEPHEW:
Why?

ME:
Because my parents reported me missing that night and the classroom that was set on fire was my math classroom. And it was the night after a big math test. So I seemed like the obvious suspect.

MY NEPHEW:
Why?

ME:
Because everything pointed to me. But I didn't do it!

MY NEPHEW:
Why?

ME:
Because I didn't care if I failed that test!

MY NEPHEW:
Why?

ME:
Because it's not like if I got a bad grade on that math test, then I wouldn't get into a good college and wouldn't get a good job and I would die penniless and starving!

MY NEPHEW:
Why?

ME:
Okay! I did it! I burned down that classroom!

MY NEPHEW:
Why?

ME:
Because I was panicked. And I was
twelve
! I made a mistake!

MY NEPHEW:
Why?

ME:
Because I'm human! I'm fallible! I just wanted to be loved!

MY NEPHEW:
Why?

ME:
Because we live in this crazy world where we have to
fight for every scrap, and I'm constantly scared that if I slow down, the world is just gonna pass me by. Everything moves so quickly, so chaotically, so uncaringly fast, threatening at all times to mow us down or overtake us. And so I speed up too! I join the rat race! I know it's unhealthy, I know it's wrong, but I can't slow down! It's why I burned down that school! It's why I blame everything on the Mongols and the World Bank and the IMF and Robert Mugabe and Cecil Rhodes and Immanuel Kant and Freud and Maslow and Chomsky and your mother! But it's
me
. It's just me!
That's
why I wanted you to strap in! I wanted you to strap in because I don't trust myself to slow down enough to avoid an accident. The “seat belt” is just a frail bandage on my reckless life!

MY NEPHEW:
Why?

ME:
Because I'm damaged. I'm in pain! And I'm not gonna get better. Not without real help. So can you strap in? Just for now?

MY NEPHEW:
Okay.

ME:
Thanks, little buddy. Thanks a lot.