Authors: Sara Marion
Paxton went up and noticed she had a couple missed texts. One from Jack and one from Duke. She didn’t want them to ruin what she started today. She texted them both back asking for space she so desperately needed. She couldn’t string either of them along. She wasn’t that cruel and she needed to figure out what her heart needed. She couldn’t lose herself again. She didn’t hear anything back from them. She hoped they understood what she needed. She fell asleep with ease for the first time in a long time.
Paxton awoke the next morning in a good mood. She couldn’t remember the last time she felt this rested. She went downstairs and made herself a cup of breakfast tea. She decided she wanted to enjoy it outside on the porch. When she opened the door there was a package for her. She picked it up and it was unmarked. Someone had dropped it off.
She took it in the kitchen to open it up. It was a large box but fairly thin. She cut the thick string that kept it close. She flipped it over and opened the box. It was wrapped in a thin layer of foam. She took out the canvas and turned it around. It was a picture of her and Ella. On the back of the frame was a note taped to the wood part of the frame.
Paxton,
Thought you might like to keep this picture. It’s a great shot of you girls. I saw this in a pile when I got home and decided you should have it.
-Ryan
Paxton looked back at the picture. It was the last one that they had taken together. It was a couple weeks before the accident. Duke had actually taken the picture but it was them in matching bikinis. They were at a hotel that had a spa. She studied the picture and saw the tattoos side by side. She remembered back to the day they got them. Ella had just turned nineteen and she wanted to get a tattoo. She didn’t want to go by herself and dragged Paxton along.
When they walked into the tattoo shop, Ella went to the wall to see most of the designs they had. Within two minutes she found the hanging moon and stars. It would be their best friend charm. Paxton always told Ella she shines like the light at the end of the tunnel. People gravitated to her, like the tide to the moon. She said the moon wouldn’t look as good without the stars. Ella insisted it was fate for them to get this tattoo so Paxton eventually caved and agreed to get the tattoo with her. Ella got the hanging moon and Paxton had three hanging stars. When their hips pressed against each other, Ella said the sky was complete.
Paxton stared at the picture. Tears in her eyes but this time they were because she was remembering happy times and she missed them. She put the picture on the table and grabbed her phone out of her pocket. She called Ryan and thanked him for the picture. They had agreed to meet later in the day to go driving around to look for a place for the gallery. Paxton went out to the porch to enjoy her tea and remember more of the good times.
The rest of the weekend was a blur. Ryan came over as he said he would. They drove around looking for places they could build. They didn’t have any luck on agreeing with anything the other found but they kept on looking. They took a break and went out to dinner. Paxton invited her mother since they were going out but she declined. She said she was going out to dinner with a couple old sorority girls. Paxton’s heart dropped a little but she knew once a month she got together with them. Her mom promised next time. Paxton realized how much she had to work on things with her mother.
Ryan took her back to the house where he talked her into going to church with him next week. He said there were some people asking about her this morning when he went in to drop some stuff off. Paxton reluctantly agreed knowing that she was still not sure she was ready to believe again, if ever. She still couldn’t understand why Ella had to be taken. She couldn’t figure out why her life had to turn upside down and he didn’t even answer her questions of why. Ryan told her it may help her figure things out. She doubted it but she figured she go just to make him happy.
TWENTY-TWO
Paxton woke up and dreaded what she was about to do. She did not want to go to church. She had not gone in over a year and nothing changed since she last stepped foot in one. She was doing this more for Ryan. He had been such a big help without even knowing it that she figured she could do this one thing for him even though she still angry with God. She just didn’t understand what His plan was.
She felt weird dressing up again but she kept it conservative. She work a pair of black slacks and a plain white top. She dressed it up with earrings and a necklace. She slipped on a pair of simple black heels. Her hair she curled slightly. When she was done it was wavier more than it was curled. She slipped a small black headband in her hair.
Ryan showed up at her door. She was nervous about going. She didn’t know what people would say to her or how she would react. Most of all she didn’t know how she would handle the church service itself. She didn’t know if she could handle sitting there for an hour or so listening to someone preach about the good things God has done for them, the blessings and miracles people see, or the part where they said that God never leaves you, He will be there for you in your darkest times. Paxton shook her head. She knew she needed to try. It would help her in the long run but she knew today would be her first challenge of her letting things go.
They arrived at church and Paxton was hesitant on getting out of the car. Ryan coaxed her out stating that she would never have to come back again if she didn’t want to. He just thought this would be good for her. He led her to the church doors, his hand in the small of her back. It was keeping her from running the other way. The last time she set foot into this church was when she was here for Ella’s funeral. Some people she recognized stared at her. She noticed some whispering then Mrs. Hanson came into view. She was rushing over to greet her.
“Darling, it’s so good to see you.” She hugged her and Paxton was not sure what to do. She hugged back but it was awkward.
“Yes, it’s good to you see you again. How’ve you been?” Paxton answered. The manners her parents drilled into her kicked in.
“Good. I will be even better now that I have seen you. I have been so worried about you. I prayed that God would help you find your way back. We have all missed you terribly,” Mrs. Hanson said as she squeezed Paxton’s hand.
Paxton plastered on a fake smile. “Thank you. I’m taking it day by day.”
What a text book response
, her conscience was back after days of being quiet. Mrs. Hanson smiled and turned to get back to her seat.
“Come, we should get seated. The reverend will be starting any moment,” Ryan said. She walked in and he led her to the front rows, next to her mother who seemed pleased to see her there.
As she climbed into the pew she noticed Duke and Jack in the crowd. Their stares pinned on her. She gave each a small smile and sat between Ryan and her mother. Her mother’s hand reached for hers and she leaned over and whispered, “I’m so glad to see you here.”
She squeezed Paxton’s hand. Paxton smiled at her. It was a small success that they were being friendly towards one another. It has been a long road for both of them over the last year. Paxton has decided the week before that it was time for her and her mother to work through things. She figured a couple sessions with Dr. Keeler would be good for them. They could air their differences.
She turned her attention to the altar as a hush settled over the crowd. The reverend came out and smiled joyously. “Good morning to everyone. What a wonderful morning that God has blessed us with.” His voice boomed out over the crowd.
Paxton looked up at Ryan who caught her from the corner of his eye. His lips curled up in a smirk. It was like he was waiting for something to happen but Paxton just shook her head. She turned her attention back up to the front. She took in the scenery. It was almost just like she remembered it, small green plants along the wall, the piano in a corner and the choir seating area behind it. It was filled with familiar faces that just smiled and watched the reverend deliver his sermon. Behind them was a large cross.
Paxton’s attention focused on it. The reverend’s voice was drowned out by her thoughts and questions. She was curious to see if God would actually pay attention to her now that she was in His house. Would He hear her questions and actually give answers? She willed answers from the cross like she was staring into the face of God. She sent up her silent questions.
Why? Why did it have to happen to Ella? How could you take her? She was going places, she was going to have a baby. Why would you take them? Why did you leave me and let me lose everything?
Her questions were halted by the reverend’s words.
“God never leaves you child, never. He is always there for you, even when you think He is not.” Her gaze snapped up to the reverend. His gaze swept over the crowd and his stare landed on her.
“God will test your faith always but He will never put something so challenging that you can’t get through it with His help. You can always get through it with your faith in Him. When you are weak, He will carry you. When you are sick, He will heal you. He will offer you forgiveness for all your trespasses against Him. He will love you even if you challenge Him and turn your back against Him.” His gaze left hers and back to scanning the church. The rest of his words didn’t make register, it became background noise, just blurbs of words she didn’t understand. Her focus was on what he said to her when their gazes met.
Paxton was still the rest of the sermon. She didn’t ask any more questions. She didn’t listen to anything around her. She just contemplated what she had learned over the past year. Why she was in this church when the reverend preached that particular sermon? She tried to determine what the meaning of everything was. She was no closer to figuring out why Ella and her baby were taken, or why she lost Jack and has conflicting emotions when it comes to Duke. She had even more questions than when she came in this morning and none seemed to be getting answered. The only thing she noticed was her anger was gone.
Before she knew it, everyone around her was standing up. The service was over. She wasn’t ready to believe that in one morning all her anger could disappear but it did. She felt weightless walking out of that church.
Her mother said that she wanted her to start coming around the house. They needed to talk and work things out. She told her mother she would and promised to call her. It was like something changed in that church for her but she couldn’t place it. She felt better about Ella but her feelings for Duke and Jack still sent her heart into fifty different places.
“Hey. I was surprised to see you here,” Duke said breaking up her thoughts. She looked up and smiled. She saw Ryan speaking to a few friends behind Duke.
“Yeah, Ryan said it would be good for me to come today,” she answered, quickly trying to recover from seeing him. Her heart tended to speed up a little around Duke.
“How are you doing?”
“I’m good. I just need time. I need to get my feelings straight. I need to work on me,” she said looking down at the ground again.
“I know. I’m going to give you your space. I had four months of space to grieve. Just know when you are ready I am here no matter what. Even if that means being just friends.”
“Thanks,” she said smiling. She was glad Duke didn’t pressure her.
“I guess I should be going. I am going to have lunch with a few friends.” He turned jogging off to catch up with some of his coworkers that Paxton recognized. They all smiled at her and waved. She raised her hand acknowledging them. She turned and found Ryan waiting to take her home.
“Hope that wasn’t too unbearable.” He said as they walked to the car.
“It was okay,” Paxton said.
She was looking around. She was sure Jack would have said something to her especially if he saw Duke talking to her but he never came up. She couldn’t find him anywhere. Maybe he was giving her space after all. She looked by down for a moment as they started walking to the car.
“He’s already left, if you are looking for Jack. I saw him bolt out as soon as he could,” Ryan said filling the silence as they approached the truck. Paxton looked over at him and she knew that it was now obvious who she was looking for a moment ago.
“I know. I just thought he would say hello or something.”
“He’s only doing what you asked him to. You know he approached me after you the night I came over for dinner. He saw my truck over there as he drove by to see if you were home. He said you texted him later saying you needed space. That you were working on yourself. He asked me what I was doing over there as he hadn’t seen me since I moved back. I told him about our business venture and he asked me to look out for you.”
“He did?” Paxton was surprised.
“He cares Paxton. He doesn’t want to lose you again. Duke loves you too. I see it in both of them but you, I see indecision.”
“I know I have to figure out where my feelings lay for each of them, but I can’t do that until I fix me.”
“Right. I don’t know how I fit into your plan. How this business is going to help, but I am here for whatever you need. If you need to back away from the project at any time I will understand.”
“This project is helping me, but I will keep that in mind.”
They rode in silence the rest of the way back. She said her goodbyes to Ryan and headed inside. She let the morning events wash over her. She let the events of the past year flow through her mind. She remembered all the hurt and anger she felt. She remembered the numbness. She remembered feeling shattered, hitting rock bottom, her nights in the institution, Jack leaving her again and Duke trying to pick up the pieces. She tried to process what she was feeling now in this moment. She saw Ella’s smiling face, her blonde hair flowing around her face. A glow from the sunlight behind her making the memories seem distant. She heard the Ella’s laugh and the spirit behind her green eyes. Paxton smiled. That was her best friend. The only way she wanted to remember her. It would be a tough road letting her unanswered questions go but she would. Ella wouldn’t want her to live like she had been over the last year. She wasn’t honoring her friend that way.