Breathe (12 page)

“Ba, ba,” she babbled and patted his mouth.

He couldn't help the smile that curved along his cheek. “Ba ba to you too,” he replied, shifting her into one arm and holding out a hand to help Anna get in last.

She'd taken off her sandals and left them on the dock. Placing her hand in his, she stepped barefoot into the boat, and for a moment they both paused.

Her hand in his. Her baby on his arm.

And the uneasy feeling that there was a rightness to it.

“There are lifejackets for everyone,” he said quietly, dropping her hand. He kept Aurelia on his hip, her weight surprisingly comfortable as Anna fastened hers around her waist and then helped Matteo buckle his. No one spoke. He wondered if she were thinking about Stefano, and how he had drowned. There had been no question when he'd bought the boat. Everyone would have life vests and wear them. Even little Aurelia, whose orange jacket crowded her chin and made her fuss.

Jace noticed the white line around Anna's lips and wondered if this was her first time on the water since Stefano's accident. He hadn't given it a thought. She was hiding her fear and he sought to reassure her.

“I won't go too fast, I promise.”

“I trust you, Jace.”

Her face was white and he reached down and cupped her jaw. “Thank you.”

He wouldn't break that trust a second time. He vowed it as he turned the key and started the engine.

“She'll be fine once we're moving,” he suggested, pulling on his own vest and zipping it up. The low rumble filled the air, making Matteo's eyes widen. Jace untied them from the dock and gently pushed away. He looked back. Anna was sitting with Aurelia on her lap and Matteo close beside her. A mother bear protecting her cubs. His heart clubbed at the sight of them. He would look after them. He wished she understood that.

At the touch of a button the motor lowered into the water, and Jace tested the throttle, propelling them forward.

“Mama!”

Anna turned her head. “Yes, sweeting?”

“We're moving.”

Jace hid a smile. He knew exactly how Matteo was feeling. Now this was a toy that was fun. These were the kinds of things he'd missed growing up and had experienced vicariously through his association with the Morellis. He steered them around the bend in the river, and suddenly the sparkling water lay spread out before them. He looked back, grinned and pushed the throttle forward. Anna's eyes widened and he let off…not too fast.

The boat leapt over the water and Jace's hair blew off his face. The wind was cool and soft from the water. They were alone on the river tonight. He looked back to see Matteo with wide eyes taking in everything on the riverbanks and Anna, holding Aurelia in her arms. Aurelia had quieted and her mouth made a tiny, perfect “O” as she pointed a chubby finger at a crane that took off, wide wings flapping and legs dangling, as the boat disturbed the peace. Anna's smile was soft and warm, and her hair blew back from her neck in long, rich waves.

He swallowed thickly and turned back to face the front, steering down the middle of the river with the sun flickering through the trees. This family could have been his. But did he want it? He had a good life. He was free to do what he wanted, when he wanted. By relying on his own judgment and wits, he'd bought Two Willows and made it flourish, and now he was expanding. He could provide for his parents. He knew better than most that nothing came without sacrifice. Being lonely now and again had been a small price to pay. And he was smart enough to know that the impulses he was feeling where Anna was concerned had more to do with what had happened in the past than with what he really wanted in the present.

Which was stupid. Because the past was done and couldn't be changed.

He would be Uncle Jace, not Papa, and that was just fine.

After several minutes he turned in a half circle and slowed, leaving the boat to idle gently as it bobbed on the waves of their wake.

“That was fun.” Matteo's eyes danced. He stood from his seat, staggering a little at the uneven footing. Jace shot out a hand and gripped his arm, flashing a smile at the alarm that had flickered in the boy's eyes.

“Would you like to drive?”

“Me?”

“Are you sure it's all right, Jace?” Anna interrupted and he turned to see a furrowed brow above worried eyes.

“He will be safe,” Jace assured her. “I promise.”

“Sit here, on my knee.” He patted his leg and Matteo climbed aboard. “I'll make us go a little faster, like this.” He put his hand on the throttle, moving them forward slowly. “You put your hands on the wheel here, and you steer.”

Matteo's hands gripped the wheel, his arms stiff.

“Relax. I'll make us go a little faster, okay? And you will turn us in a circle.”

He sped up slightly, then guided Matteo's hands as they went around. They were nearly facing upriver again when Matteo turned his head and looked up at Jace, grinning from ear to ear. “I did it.”

Jace's heart thudded. He looked so much like Alex. He wondered if Anna saw the resemblance to Matteo's true uncle. Or if she looked at him and saw Stefano.

“Do you want to take us home?”

He nodded. “Okay.”

“Maybe next time we'll let your mama drive, hmmm?”

“Mama says she is scared of the water.”

Matteo kept his hands on the wheel, but Jace went still. He looked back at her to see if she'd heard. Her face was pure white. Why would she be afraid? They had always gone swimming as children. Perhaps it was because of Stefano. He knew her well enough to know even as unhappy as she'd been, she never would have wanted Stefano to suffer such a fate. She wasn't that cruel. Perhaps his accident had left more of an indelible mark than he'd originally thought.

“Forgive me, Anna. I didn't realize. I…” But he didn't know what else to say, not with Matteo sitting on his knee. The boy didn't need to hear them talk about how his father died.

Anna knew what Jace was thinking, but correcting him was impossible. “It's okay. They say you should do that which you are afraid of.”

The words drifted away on the slight wind created by the boat, but stuck in Anna's chest. There were so many things she was afraid of, and she'd come here to hide away from them. Only to be faced with the biggest fear of all.

She was falling for Jace all over again.

He smiled at her and it hurt her deep inside. Never would she have imagined him being so good with her children. The way he'd been patient with Matteo, taking the time to show him…it was something that Stefano had never done.

She'd stepped onto the boat to prove something to both of them. To prove to Jace she was independent and that he didn't affect her. To prove to herself she could do it. To face the demon and make it go away. All of it had backfired. He hadn't been reckless or any of the things she kept telling herself he was. He'd been caring and respectful and generous.

He'd become the boy he'd been back then. The one she'd loved unreservedly. Knowing those qualities were still inside him, she was deathly afraid that if she weren't careful, he'd have the means to break her heart all over again.

They went back to Two Willows at a much slower pace, Matteo loving every second at the wheel. Jace pointed out several osprey nests along the way, and once they saw one dive and rise up with a salmon in its talons. Matteo was suitably thrilled, and from the look on Jace's face, he was enjoying himself too. These sorts of moments were something she hadn't considered until now. But Matteo was loving having a male presence in his life. Even these few moments were more than Stefano had ever bothered with.

That first night Jace had been so uptight, worrying about messes, and she'd felt the censorious glare on her back as she'd tended to the children. But in the last few days he had relaxed. He was good with them, and they responded to him. Today alone, he'd taken Matteo shopping for a boat, had concocted a picnic, and now their dark heads were pressed together as they steered the boat home.

The idea put a small dent in her heart. But it wouldn't work. It wouldn't be fair to Matteo or Aurelia. They would only get attached and have to leave again. Her life was not here. She was only here to figure out what to do next. And what was best for her children was consistency.

And then the two of them laughed and Anna tried very hard not to make wishes. Sometimes, when she and Jace weren't arguing, it felt right.

When they got back, he tied up the boat and got out first, then took the children and Anna last. She refused to meet his eyes. She didn't want him to see her feelings, and right now they were riding very close to the surface.

“I didn't know you were afraid,” he murmured as Matteo took enjoyment from tossing the lifejackets onto the seats of the boat. “I should have realized…after the accident.”

He did think it was all about Stefano, then. Knowing it was something else entirely made physical pain cut into her like a knife, stinging and sharp. Now he was being solicitous and it was lovely. It was a gesture of peace. And damned if it didn't endear him to her all the more. He couldn't know that his kindness hurt her almost as much as his harsh words of the afternoon had.

“My fear of the water isn't rational, and I didn't want to deny the children—or you—the enjoyment. I had to do it sometime.”

“I had hoped you would have fun too. That perhaps there hasn't been much fun lately.” He squeezed her fingers. “Anna,” he prodded.

She looked up at him, then turned a half-turn and walked to the end of the dock, back to firm land again. It felt good and reassuring under her feet. Despite their arguments, somehow today a bridge had been built between them, and she trusted him enough to give him a glimpse of what had really transpired in her disaster of a marriage.

“We fought about the sailboat,” she admitted quietly. “I did not want him to buy it. But he did anyway, and then took great pleasure in disappearing on it. It was his way of getting away from me, from our marriage. And he never let me forget it.”

“I'm sorry.”

“No, I am sorry. I made the decision to marry him and I did it for the wrong reasons. There is no excuse for it. And yet…” She looked ahead and saw Matteo and Aurelia picking daisies. Three blossoms were clutched firmly in Matteo's chubby hand. “I didn't think it was possible to love anyone as much as I love my children.”

He stopped her with a hand on her arm. Why was he looking at her with awe and yet a flicker of pain tightening his face? Surely he didn't share the same regrets. Yet somehow in this particular moment something moved between them.

“You are a good mother, Anna.”

At this moment there was no other compliment he could have paid that would have meant as much.

“You are very good with them,” she conceded. “I'm not sure who is more surprised—me or you.”

And again a flicker of hurt, where she'd intended none. His dark eyes plumbed hers. “They are beautiful like their mother. I have no choice.”

“Oh, Jace,” she sighed. How she wished she could turn back the clock. “Sometimes I wish…” Her voice trailed off as she held back, not knowing how to put her longings into words.

“What do you wish?”

There was an edge to his voice and all she wanted to say remained boxed up inside. Now she understood why they'd avoided each other so much. Because being together reminded her of what it was like to love him. To confide in him. He'd been there for her ever since her mother had gone away. But that closeness was what kept them apart now. It nearly overwhelmed her.

It was perhaps better if they kept a respectful distance. Just enough to maintain the friendship, nothing more.

Being close reminded her of what it was to be loved by him, in all ways. But there was too much holding them apart now. Her job was with Morelli. Her father hated him as much as he ever did. Jace wasn't about to give up Two Willows and there was the much larger matter of their feelings, past and present. She knew she couldn't survive trying again and failing. The first time had nearly destroyed her.

Before she could reconsider, she stood on tiptoe and pressed a kiss to his cheek.

“Thank you for the evening. I did enjoy it. Truly. But I should get the children to bed.”

“Of course, the children. They do keep you out of some sticky conversations, don't they?” He frowned a little, knowing his voice was hard with disappointment and unable to change it. This was becoming a pattern of hers, he realized. Hiding behind the children when things got too close. He dropped her hand and stepped back. Just when he thought she was going to give him a little honesty, she backed away.

“Jace—”

“You keep hiding and I don't know why. You are changed. You are not the Anna I remember, though I'm still not sure if I ever knew who that was. There are so many things that don't add up. And the moment we get close, you run away. I truly did not know you were afraid of the water. And I do not understand why I had to hear it from a four-year-old first.”

There was a sinking feeling in his chest that all their progress was for nothing, but things needed to be said. “You would never have told me about the fights about the boat if Matteo hadn't spoken up.”

“Probably not.”

“Why?”

She looked down. “Because it is hard revealing all my mistakes.”

“Your mistakes? Surely you don't blame yourself for everything.” Jace should know. He'd played a big enough part. He never should have left her alone.

“Maybe I don't want you to know what a weak woman I've become.”

Words sat on the edge of his tongue but he paused. No, enough. “This is me you're talking to.”

She lifted her chin and her dark eyes glittered at him. “I know. That's the problem.”

And to think he'd been on the verge of wanting to love her again. Now he was the problem. Anger flared up and lashed out.