Breathe (13 page)

“I do not understand why you came to me and then treat me like the enemy.”

“You are not the enemy,” she whispered.

“It feels like it,” he responded and strode away, leaving her standing on the dock with the children frolicking close by, unaware.

Chapter Eight

Anna tucked the blanket firmly around Matteo and felt her eyes fill with tears as she looked down on his sleeping form. He looked so small, so innocent with his lashes lying against his cheeks. She had made many mistakes, but it was very hard to regret them when her son and daughter were the results.

Jace had been right and it pained her to even admit it to herself. She didn't want to argue anymore. She didn't want to be old friends one moment and then fighting about things that were steeped in resentments from the past. It wasn't good for them, and it wasn't good for the children either. And so, as she pressed a kiss to Matteo's warm cheek, she knew she had to have the conversation she'd been putting off for over ten years.

They had to talk about the baby they'd never had.

Her stomach was a mass of knots thinking about it, yet in her heart she was sure it was the right thing. They had never spoken of it and it stood like a concrete wall between them even though they pretended otherwise. Quietly, she descended the stairs to look for him. She found him on the back deck of the house, a glass of dark liquor in his hands.

Anna shut the door behind her quietly but knew he was aware of her presence by the way his fingers tightened on the glass and his shoulders stiffened. She would have to be very careful. She wanted this conversation to solve things, not make them worse. And yet everything about his stance told her he was gearing for confrontation.

“The children are asleep?”

“Yes.”

“Brandy?”

“No, thank you.”

He kept his back to her and she inhaled, gathering strength, searching for the right words. A soft breeze shushed through the leaves of the trees in the twilight, and down at the river the peepers chirped, a sweet, syncopated rhythm. And then she heard him sigh.

That one sound touched her heart in ways she hadn't expected. She was kidding herself in calling Jace her friend. He had always been so much more, and she now realized that her coming here had not only been difficult for her, but for him as well. She knew what her regrets were. Did he have any? More than ever she wanted to bridge the gap between them.

“You are right in that I've been avoiding opening up to you.”

He kept his back to her, but his voice was clear, strong. “Why? I thought we were supposed to be friends. You told me you wanted to come here, that you felt safe.”

“In some ways I do. And in other ways…” She spoke into the darkness, letting it provide a little bit of protection. Secrets seemed softer out of the garish light of day. And yet this one seemed to cling to the years of silence. The one thing she'd never discussed with anyone. Not Alex, not Stefano, not even Mama Willow. “In other ways you are so dangerous, Jace.”

She knew he understood when he didn't challenge her response. In his silence, she heard acceptance, but more than that. She heard agreement, and it sent desire crashing through her veins. Perhaps it was no more over for him either. And they were both playing with fire.

“I avoided speaking of it because I don't want to ruin what friendship remains between us,” she explained.

“There was more than friendship once.”

“I know. Once, I loved you.”

She saw his fingers close tighter around his glass, saw his shoulders grow taut with tension.

The words slid out, but by putting them deliberately in the past tense it felt like something was over. There was a sense of loss and a tiny bit of grief as she recognized it.

“I loved you too, Anna.”

“You say that now, but—”

“But I tried to say it then too. And I don't think you ever really believed in me. Perhaps if you had, you would have waited.”

And even now he wouldn't look at her. But there was no mistaking the pain and resentment in the words. He was so still. Like he was bracing himself for something. Only she was no threat. Why couldn't he understand that?

He lifted his glass, took a drink, still staring out over the lawn.

“You hate me for marrying Stefano, don't you?”

“I could never hate you,” he answered quietly.

“Oh, but I think you could. You can. You do.”

She folded her hands, wanting to go to him but knowing it was better if she did not. If she went to him, she might never get the truth. And as difficult as it was, she knew only the truth would do tonight. If she went to him she would touch him, and she might never say what needed to be said.

“Anna.”

“Why do you hate me, Jace? Just say it. Be free of it.” She goaded him, wishing he'd do something, wishing he'd just be honest and get it out so they could deal with it. She needed him. And he wasn't hers in any way until he let go of whatever was keeping that wall erected between them.

He turned and faced her, leaned his back against the railing. His face remained closed off as he swirled the brandy in his glass, then took a sip. “What good would it do?” he remarked after he'd swallowed the liquor. “It's over and done.”

“No, it's not.” She took one hesitant step forward. “It's not done, not at all. No matter how much we want it to be. After what you said down by the river…”

“I'm sorry.” He looked away and took another drink. Like that would fix everything.

She tapped her foot. God, she hadn't thought she'd have to drag everything out of him. She was tired of the hurtful comments that came out of nowhere, of the bickering that spoke of so much beneath the surface. But perhaps fighting was the one way to get him to say what he really meant.

“That's not good enough, not now. I'm tired of sorry. I'm tired of hearing it and I'm tired of saying it, and I want us to talk about it so we can move on.”

His chin lifted a little as he snorted. “Yes, you're a great one for moving on.”

“You see? That's the kind of thing I mean. We try to preserve what there is of our friendship, but then you make hurtful comments like that and we're back to where we started. Only each time it chips away a little more at the…” She paused on the word. What was between them? She couldn't bring herself to say the word love in reference to the present. “The regard we have for each other. Just say it. Just say that you blame me.”

“I blame you. Satisfied?” His chin jutted out mutinously and she was once again reminded of Matteo. Which was silly, since Matteo was Stefano's child. But the expression was yet another hurtful reminder of what could have been.

“I'm hardly satisfied with that answer.” She stared at him as he turned away again, shutting her out. And her own anger bubbled up inside. He blamed her, but he had played his own part too. He had to know that.

“Then what do you want from me, Anna?”

The question echoed around them, through the backyard and was lost in the flutter of the leaves.

“I want you to forgive me.” She took a step forward. “I need to forgive you. But you know, first I think we really need to decide what for. We've never talked about what happened after you left for Kelowna with Alex. What do you blame me for, Jace? For moving on when you left me? You said you were not ready for anything permanent. You said you had too many things to do before you could consider settling down with someone and starting a family. You said we were too young. And then you left. Was I not free to be with someone else?”

Her mouth snapped shut. She hadn't meant to throw Stefano in his face. But remembering how abandoned she'd felt, the barb had come out anyway. He'd known how her mother's abandonment had hurt her, and yet he'd done the same thing. She couldn't back away now. She stepped closer so that his profile was in view.

His jaw ticked as he clenched his teeth. “Theoretically.”

She huffed.

He held the glass so tightly she could see the half-moons of his fingernails. Getting anything out of Jace was like getting water from a stone. Perhaps it wasn't worth it. Perhaps too much had happened and she should just leave now. She tossed her hair over her shoulder and spun away.

Until his hoarse voice stopped her in the dark.

“Two months. Two months and I return to find you at your engagement party. Technically you were free, but your change of heart was certainly…”

She turned back at the pause. Her mouth dropped open as one cruel eyebrow lifted, challenging. He drained the glass and put it down on the railing. “Enlightening.”

He had no idea then. He thought she'd married Stefano because she hadn't cared for him. Nothing could have been further from the truth. Had he really expected to leave and then come back to find her waiting? Had he thought her feelings had been false?

Had she hurt him?

“You didn't want me, Jace. You made that clear. You said you didn't want a wife and a…a…”

She couldn't say it. The word just wouldn't come, but they both knew what it was.

“I didn't know what I wanted. I was young. We both were.” He pushed a hand through his hair. “God, we were so young. I was afraid. I needed time to think, and so I went with Alex to Kelowna. I never expected to come back to you engaged to someone else.”

He did sound hurt. Like somehow all that had happened had been her fault. She'd been little more than a child. She hadn't known what to do. She'd only known that the man she loved didn't love her back, not the way he'd promised.

“You never said you needed time to think. To my recollection, you were very clear on what you didn't want. You didn't want me, and you didn't want the baby I was carrying.”

There, she'd said it. She made herself hold his gaze. “If I hadn't been engaged, would it have made a difference?”

“Yes.”

Her heart trembled. His answer was so definitive, and the meaning of it rippled through her. She remembered seeing him for the first time when he'd returned. He'd been so cold to her, and she'd countered by being flippant and pert. She had been as low as it was possible to go, and it had taken every last bit of pride to face him. It had been the only way she could think of to keep from revealing her heartbreak in front of him. She'd thought him completely indifferent.

Hadn't he been?

“Easily said now.” She didn't want him to make her doubt her decisions. She'd been doing that enough herself. And his words did nothing to placate her. She'd never taken him for a coward, but this certainly felt like he was taking the easy way out.

He pushed away from the rail, knocking the glass off into the grass below. In two strides he was before her, and his fingers gripped her upper arms, the tips digging into the flesh there. “Don't. Don't do that. Not once have I ever said something to you that I didn't mean. You swore to me that summer that you loved me. And weeks after we broke things off, you'd given your heart, your body…” his voice shivered, “…to another.”

“Oh, I know you meant everything you said! You said you didn't want me or the baby. That was crystal clear. You said you loved me too. And then you left. So don't you dare question my actions.”

“I left because I didn't know what to do. My God, Anna. I was trying to go to school, and work, and I was so full of you it was frightening. Then you were there telling me you were pregnant. I can't explain what I felt. Fear, certainly. And confusion. There was so much all at once and I needed quiet to think. Couldn't you have waited?”

His hands were hurting her arms, but she lifted her chin and looked at him, her eyes and nose stinging as she spoke the absolute truth in her heart. “I would have waited, if you'd asked me to.”

He dropped her arms and stepped back.

“Did you hate me so much,” he said, his voice barely more than a hoarse whisper.

“I didn't hate you, Jace. I loved you as much as it was possible for a girl to love a boy.”

The dim light from the kitchen glowed through the window, so that the shadows on his face suddenly looked weary. “Then why, Anna?”

“I wanted everything from you and you pushed me away. Your face when I told you about the baby…you said you didn't want a wife and children and you said you needed to get away. Away from me. The next thing I knew you were gone and I was at the villa all alone.

“Then Stefano was there. He was what everyone seemed to think I should have. He came from a good family and he had money. My father loved him and kept saying how I'd be secure with him. So I did the ‘right' thing. And I was so hurt that a part of me wanted to show you that I was wanted. You kept claiming we had to wait, that the time wasn't right because you hadn't accomplished what you wanted. And I said I didn't care about those things. But you did, Jace. You cared about them more than about me. You had to have, because you left to find them and left me alone, and scared, and pregnant. I married Stefano, because to me, I'd already lost the life I wanted.”

His face hardened. His cheekbones were chiseled slabs and his eyes glittered darkly in the dim light. “Don't.”

“Don't what? Don't talk about it? We have to. It's standing between us and always will.”

“Anna!”

The command was dark with warning. Anna couldn't understand why he was so angry. His fingers balled into each other, flexing and unflexing next to his thighs, and she could sense the tension vibrating off him like a tuning string. He hadn't wanted the baby. He'd said so.

“Admit it, Jace,” she continued. She had to. It had been a cloud over them all these years, and she knew their past was why he'd stayed away as much as he had. All the rest…the friendship, the so-called loyalty, it had all been for show when this truth had been simmering below the surface. Now it was time for the volcano of it to blow and be done with.