Breathe, Annie, Breathe (16 page)

“I didn’t tell you the whole truth about why I moved here,” she says finally. “My firm did want me to try this harassment case, but the real reason I decided to start over is because my boyfriend dumped me.”

“What?” I exclaim. Liza is beautiful, nice, and funny as hell. If a guy dumps her, what hope is there for the rest of womankind?

“He was an ass. Well, not when we were together, but after. He said I was too focused on my work. He didn’t understand why I worked such long hours.”

“You wanted to be successful.”

“Yeah…I wanted a partnership at my firm, but what does that really mean?”

Talking about such adultish things makes me a little uncomfortable, because what if I don’t understand something or I say something stupid? But I’m glad Liza feels I’m mature enough to confide in. “Um, I don’t know much about being a lawyer, but isn’t that, like, the top? Isn’t a partnership the thing to achieve?”

“You’re right, it is. But what about everything else?”

“Like what?”

“Like being happy. Like lying in bed on a Sunday morning with somebody you love? Or going to the beach? Or starting a family?”

Kyle always liked the little things in life: going to his dad’s cabin at Normandy, running the mile for the Hundred Oaks track team, playing Legos with his little brother, watching TV with me. He wanted to become a firefighter, to help people, plain and simple.

Liza keeps talking, “I worked all day every day, even weekends. I had no time for my boyfriend. No time for my family. I wasn’t healthy. I hadn’t been to the doctor in years and I was living off coffee and takeout. And yeah, I made partner, but when I got there, I realized I had nothing else except for money and a fancy title. And it didn’t make me happy. Everything is about balance…it took me so long to figure that out.”

For my entire life, my mom has been pushing me to go to college, to make a name for myself. And I am going to do that. But what if, when Kyle proposed, I had truly been in the moment? Truly thinking about what he was asking and what it meant for us, for me and the boy I loved so much—what would that have meant for me? All decisions are different in hindsight. Maybe all we can do is make the best decisions we can in the moment, using the best information we have right then. But still.

What if Kyle hadn’t broken up with me? What if he’d let my rejection stew for a day and then moved on? What if he’d apologized a couple days later? A week. What if he’d apologized the morning after the night he died?

Is life one big long
what
if
?

I’ve been blaming myself entirely for his death for months…but Liza is right: everything is about balance. It wasn’t just me that could’ve done something differently. Kyle could have too.

But that doesn’t mean I’ve gotten over him…I don’t think I ever will. I loved him too much.

I need to change the subject before I start crying. “So what’s up with Andrew?” I ask.

She glances over at me. “He asked me out after our fourteen-miler last week.”

“And?”

“I said I’d think about it.”

“Oh.”

“Right now is Liza time. I’m running this marathon because I want to get in shape and do something I’ve always wanted to do. It’s not a reason to meet guys. Taking time for yourself is always okay.”

I grin. “That’s really cool.”

This past year has been Annie time. I felt guilty about that sometimes when my mom, or my brother and his friends, would invite me out and I didn’t feel like leaving the couch, but I don’t feel bad anymore after hearing what Liza said. Sometimes you just have to do what’s best for you. For me that’s going to the drive-in, our spot, and popping popcorn in my mouth, watching nineties movies. But I do like the idea of trying to find a new balance—one with college, family, a job, and friends. Something more than what I had in high school.

“Maybe I’ll say yes after the marathon is over if either of us is still interested,” Liza says.

“So you are interested!”

“Have you seen Andrew’s shoulders and chest? Damn. And he’s a cop.”

I laugh.

“I can’t say I haven’t sneaked a peek at Matt’s little brother,” she says. “He has nice shoulders too.”

Yes, I know. I’ve seen them. Touched them. Squeezed them.

“I feel like a cradle robber saying that,” Liza adds, laughing.

“Nah. But you do seem a bit obsessed with shoulders.” That reminds me. “Oh my God, yesterday when I moved into the dorms, a guy was walking around in only a towel. He had nice shoulders.”

“God, I miss college.”

The sixteen miles are long and hard. When I first started running, I would get a great lead and then a metaphorical piano would fall on me, but I’ve learned to pace myself. I’m learning my limits.

Sometimes I have to slow down so Liza can catch her breath, and sometimes she does the same for me when the lactic acid buildup makes my legs burn. She needs to walk for five minutes between miles twelve and thirteen. My stomach feels better since I gave up the ibuprofen, but I still need to use the porta-potty twice. Liza waits for me outside each time—I think she appreciates the break from running. We stick together, and it makes me feel a little better knowing that, even at thirty-two, Liza hasn’t figured her life out yet.

Maybe you don’t have to figure life out at all.

Maybe it just
is
.

You have got to be kidding me.

It’s noon when I get back from my sixteen-mile run, and Vanessa is still sleeping away.

I dope up on Pepto, wishing I could take ibuprofen, and collapse onto my bed with an ice pack on my throbbing knee. I close my eyes, planning to relax for a few minutes before grabbing a shower. I smell like a locker room.

Two hours later, I wake up in a puddle of water. My shorts are soaked and my skin itches. I fell asleep with the ice pack on.

“Oh good, you’re awake!” Vanessa says, pulling her headphones off. “We didn’t want to check out campus without you.” I shoot her a death stare but she’s having none of it. She shoos me. “Shower. Now. Go!”

I’m groggy as hell as I climb into the shower and lean my head against the tile. Today’s run just about killed me. This feels worse than any hangover I’ve ever had.

When I’m shampooing my hair, I accidentally slip on the suds but catch myself using the bar before I crash to the floor.
Please
don’t let me pass out in the shower.
I can barely move. Spots flash across my vision. Is this what every Saturday is going to be like until the marathon is over?

After somehow slipping my noodle-like arms and legs into clean clothes, Kelsey, Vanessa, Colton, and I decide to check out the
Welcome
Barbecue
on the quad. Loud music blares and kids are doing everything from playing catch to lounging on picnic blankets. An ambitious guy is already campaigning for the Student Confederation President election in October. Girls are sunbathing in bikini tops, wearing headphones. The whole scene makes me happy—I’ve never seen so many people in my life, and hanging out with the girls makes me feel a zing inside.

The four of us load our plates with barbecue and potato salad, squeezing past other hungry kids. Someone jostles my elbow and I nearly drop my paper plate as we grab seats on the grass in front of the communications building.

Colton fist-bumps me. “Now that is what I’m talking about. Three barbecue sandwiches
and
a hot dog?”

“I’m starving,” I say, taking a big bite of the hot dog.

“Ugh,” Kelsey says. “I have heartburn just looking at Annie’s plate.”

I slurp some water in response.

“If this won’t end your drought, I don’t know what will,” Vanessa says to Kelsey as they gaze around at the guys.

Colton says in a deadpan tone, “I’ve never seen so many hot girls, myself.”

“So go talk to one,” Kelsey says.

“Then who would carry your Coke and silverware while you’re trying to balance your plate? You never would’ve made it through that buffet line without me.”

Kelsey pops a bite of potato salad in her mouth. “True. You’re a good manservant,” she says.

“And you’re a pain in my ass,” Colton replies.

“Why don’t y’all just do it already?” Vanessa blurts.

“Not gonna happen,” they say simultaneously, but the minute they stop talking, he pulls her hair out of her face so it doesn’t fall in her potato salad and she wipes crumbs off his chest.

We finish eating and go in search of dessert. On our way to grab cookies from the buffet, we pass a bunch of Delta Tau Kappa guys wearing T-shirts with their letters embroidered across their chests. I spot Jeremiah standing with two guys, chatting up a couple of girls. I haven’t seen him yet today because he ran in a race instead of pacing somebody…I kind of missed him. His pretty blue eyes meet mine. “Annie,” he calls, holding up one finger.

Vanessa grabs my elbow. Kelsey’s mouth drops open.

“You know somebody in DTK?” Colton asks in a rush. “That’s the fraternity I want to join. But it’s hard to get into unless you’re a legacy.”

“What does that mean?” I ask.

“Unless, like, your father or brother or cousin or somebody’s in it, it’s hard to get in. It’s the best fraternity on campus.”

“What’s so important about being in a frat?” I ask. I haven’t actually talked to Jeremiah about it yet.

“Good connections for jobs after school,” Colton says. “My father still plays golf and does business with people from his fraternity. But they don’t have a chapter of Kappa Theta here at MTSU. That’s what my dad is.”

“Why didn’t you just go to school where your father went?” I ask.

Colton glances at Kelsey, not answering my question.

Finished with his conversation, Jeremiah jogs up, his light brown hair bouncing everywhere. “Hey,” he says to me. “So your run went well this morning?”

“I finished in three hours, five minutes.”

He beams, crossing his arms. “Nice. How’s the knee? Did you get a good stretch in afterward? Or do you need a partner stretch now?”

“For the hundredth time, I do
not
need you to partner stretch me.” Ever since Jeremiah caught Matt doing those weird pretzel stretches with me, Jeremiah’s been offering to “partner stretch” me.

“How was your race?” I ask, thrilled to see he’s in one piece—no cuts, no bruises, all limbs intact.

“Not bad. I came in second place. Won a thousand dollars. That ought to cover my books for this semester.” I give Jeremiah a quick congratulatory hug and he tweaks my braid, like he likes to do.

“I haven’t been to the bookstore yet,” I say. “That’s really how much they cost?”

“It depends.”

Vanessa loudly says, “Ahem.” She, Kelsey, and Colton are watching us like we’re a movie.

“Oh,” I say. “I’m sorry. Guys, this is Jeremiah.” I introduce him to the girls and Colton and everyone shakes hands. Vanessa and Kelsey start sniggering like eighth graders and making eyes at the two of us. Jere laughs at that. I get a hankering to kill them all, Jeremiah included.

“So you’re in DTK?” Kelsey asks him.

“I am.”

“What year are you?” Vanessa asks.

“I’m a junior.”

She mouths at me, “He’s a junior!”

“What’s your major?” Kelsey says. Every person I’ve met in the past day has asked that question, and it’s starting to get real old because I have no real answer. Undecided but maybe physical therapy? Vanessa is majoring in accounting and Kelsey is thinking about journalism.

“Jere,” I say, rescuing him from the inquisition. “Colton is really interested in your fraternity.”

Jeremiah looks over at Colton, sizing him up. “You’re a friend of Annie’s? She hasn’t mentioned you before.”

Colton’s face starts to fall, but I speak up even though we’ve never hung out much. “Yeah, we went to high school together,” I say. “I’ve known Colton forever.”

Kelsey gives me a grateful look. No matter how much she and Colton try to play down their feelings, it’s obvious she cares deeply for him. They’ve been great friends ever since Kelsey moved into his neighborhood.

“We’re having a back-to-school party at the house tonight,” Jeremiah tells Colton. “We’re not starting rush until next month, but you should come to the party. Get to know some of the guys.” He walks over to another boy and grabs a couple fliers from him, then hands one to Colton.

“Thanks, man.”

Jeremiah offers the other flier to me, his eyes flickering to mine. “I hope you can make it. And Vanessa and Kelsey too.”

I look at the piece of paper.
DTK: Back-to-School Beach Bash. Beach Volleyball Tourney. Bathing Suits Required!!!

“We’ll be there,” Kelsey says in a rush.

“Nice meeting you, Jere!” Vanessa says, then links her arm through mine and starts power-walking me toward the dorms. I glance over my shoulder at him and he waves.

Kelsey grabs my other elbow and hauls me even faster. Colton stays behind, continuing to talk to Jeremiah.

“Where are we going so fast?” I ask.

“You’ve been holding out on us, little missy!” Vanessa says.

“Who was
that
?” Kelsey says.

“Jeremiah Brown.”

“And who is Jeremiah Brown?”

I take a deep breath. Kelsey and Vanessa are all over me. “Why do you want to know?”

Vanessa gives me a look. “Who doesn’t love girl talk?”

“Let’s talk about you and Rory then,” I say.

“Bo-ring,” Kelsey sings. “They’ve been doing it for ages.”

Soon we’re back in our suite, piled on Vanessa’s bed. Kelsey is so excited, she seems to have temporarily forgotten our falling-out.

“How’d you meet Jeremiah?” Vanessa says. “I love his crazy hair.”

“And he has a great body,” Kelsey adds.

“And those tattoos on his arm! Oh my God, that’s hot—”

“He has The Flash on his shoulder blade,” I say. “The comic superhero guy.”

Kelsey and Vanessa giggle. “You’ve seen it?” Vanessa asks.

My lips begin to tremble.

“Spill already,” Vanessa says.

“I met him running on the trails.”

“He seemed interested in you today.”

I
know
he’s interested
, I want to say. But I can’t. If I wasn’t so nervous to talk about this—about my feelings for Jeremiah, about how I’m not over Kyle, about how I’m worried to death Jeremiah’s going to hurt himself—it might feel good to have a girl talk.

When I was little, when Kelsey’s mom took care of me at night while my mother worked, Kelsey and I had slumber parties all the time. We draped sheets over the dining room table and pretended to camp out and talked about everything. But our conversations grew different as we got older. We went from talking about Barbie, to learning cursive, to who had gotten their periods, to who we wanted our first kiss to be. That’s what today feels like, and the excitement makes my heart pound faster. But back then, even though I freaked out over every little last thing, nothing was truly at stake.

Everything is at stake with Jeremiah. I don’t want to lose him to some crazy sports accident. I don’t want to lose him as a friend, either. And like Liza said, sometimes it’s okay to be single. That’s what I need.

“Do you have a cute bikini for the party tonight?” Vanessa asks me. “If not, I bet one of Kelsey’s will fit you. Maybe the orange one with white polka dots?”

Kelsey nods quickly. “I’ve got a cute white sarong to go with it—”

“I’m not going,” I interrupt.

Vanessa slaps the mattress. “You have to go! I couldn’t believe the tension between y’all today.”

“That’s precisely why I don’t want to go.”

“What aren’t you telling us?” Kelsey asks slowly.

I fall over onto a pillow. “I hooked up with him.”

“What? When?” Vanessa squeals.

“Right after graduation. Um, when we were running.”

“You hooked up while running?” Kelsey asks, furrowing her eyebrows. “How does one hook up while running?”

“I thought only, like, Cirque du Soleil performers could do stuff like that!” Vanessa says.

I roll my eyes. “We were running on the trails by the Little Duck River and then we went down by the water.”

Vanessa and Kelsey glance at each other.

“So why haven’t you mentioned him?” Kelsey asks.

I pull myself into Indian style. “He didn’t call afterward…”
And
then
I
found
this
ring
in
Kyle’s bedroom.
“And I just felt…”

The girls stare, waiting for me to finish.

“It felt wrong.” Saying that is sort of a lie, but the emotions are too complex to figure out.

“But do you like him?” Vanessa asks. “I could tell something was up between you guys.”

“We’re friends.”

My heart beats faster and faster when I think back to that moment on the banks of the river. Yeah, I’d never felt so turned on, so out of control, but lust and love are two different things. Love is far more dangerous.

“He’s not for me,” I say.

The girls let out sighs.

“We’re still going to this party, right?” Vanessa holds up the DTK flier.

“Yeah, maybe we’ll meet other guys there,” Kelsey says. “And we can both get rid of these droughts.”

“I don’t think Annie has a drought,” Vanessa says. “She hooked up like a circus performer while running, remember?”

I swat her with a pillow.

“Was the hookup fun?” Kelsey asks with a hopeful gleam in her eye.

We’re back in seventh grade again, chatting about our crushes, back when we always told each other the truth—our deepest secrets and fears and hopes and dreams.

That’s why I admit, “Jeremiah was really good.”

And they squeal.

•••

I’m not sure how, but I manage to convince Vanessa and Kelsey that I’m not ready for a party at the DTK house.

“My muscles are killing me from this morning’s run,” I say, which isn’t remotely a lie.

The girls exchange looks but ultimately give in. Vanessa did find me zonked out in an ice-pack puddle earlier today, after all. “Text us if you change your mind,” she says, checking her bikini in the mirror for the nth time.

“Is Rory gonna be pissed when he hears you went to a party without him?” I ask.

“Nope,” Vanessa says confidently. “I already texted him a picture of me in my bathing suit. He’s very happy now.”

“Ugh, I do not want to know what that means,” Kelsey says.

“Hey, you try having a long-distance relationship. It’s tough having my boyfriend two hours away.”

After one last quick mirror check—Kelsey adjusts the straps on her orange polka-dotted top and Vanessa adds another layer of lip gloss—they are out the door. I let out a deep breath.

I decide to read some of Mom’s book I found on the coffee table at home, a medical thriller about how a rogue FBI agent teams up with a hot doctor to stop a worldwide plague, then wash my face and start getting ready for bed. I roll my shoulders and stretch my arms. This morning’s run did a number on my poor body. I change into matching pink pajama shorts and a tank, then sit down on the rug and attempt to stretch out my legs. The long run made them stiffer than steel. I lean over onto the floor, pressing my nose to the rug. That’s when someone knocks on the door.

“Who is it?”

“Jere.”

Did he come to drag me to the party?

“Come in.”

He walks in and finds me pressing my face to the floor. “Is this your way of saying you want me to partner stretch you?”