Breathe, Annie, Breathe (19 page)

“What’s that?” he asks, peering down at my hands.

“The first person to kiss the other wins.”

I quickly press my lips to his. A short peck. A short peck that feels like a supernova. When he opens his pretty blue eyes that pierce mine, his breaths are short and shallow. He wraps his hands around my waist. Lifts me onto his desk. Parts my knees and slips between my legs.

His mouth dips to my ear, his breath tickling me. “You won.”

Our lips meet again, and it’s slow, and sweet, and nothing at all like our rushed number down by the river this past June.

And then his lips tell me not to think anymore, to just do what I want to do, and I whisper okay. I cup his cheeks with my hands, enjoying the way his stubble scratches me, and his hands move up and down my back, softly exploring and making me warm.

He lifts me and slips his hands under my bottom to carry me to his bed. I wrap my legs around his waist and we plop down on his quilt together, continuing to kiss. I pull his knit cap off his head and toss it to the floor.

I discover he’s chatty in bed. He talks about everything, from how he likes the taste of my lips to how he wishes the guys would shut up downstairs to how he wishes I’d stay the night and go running with him in the morning.

“But you’re so much faster,” I say between kisses. “You said in your text that it’ll mess up your training.”

“Who cares?” He pulls me on top so I’m straddling him, and I can feel his hardness pressing against me through his jeans. He can’t take his eyes off my black halter top.

I haven’t
just
made out like this in years. Sure, I’ve already seen Jeremiah without any clothes on, but there’s something exciting about just kissing and not knowing what’s next.

“I care about you so much,” he says breathily. “I’ve wanted you since the moment we met—when you yelled at me for running backwards.”

“I was scared you couldn’t forgive me,” I reply, running a fingertip around his crop circle tattoos. “I was worried our friendship was over.”

“All that matters is that you came back.”

We kiss until our lips are raw and my clothes are twisted around my body. He rolls off me, smiling lazily. His light brown hair is a disaster: I ran my hands through it while we were kissing and now it’s sticking up everywhere.

He gently drums his fingers on my stomach. “So you kissed me first. That means you finally won fair and square.”

“I did,” I say with a laugh.

“Will you stay the night?” he asks quietly, nervous and wanting. When I don’t immediately respond, he adds, “I’ll take you to Bacon N’Oatmeal in the morning after we run.”

I laugh, sticking my tongue out. I may be new to college, but there are some things everybody knows about. Bacon N’Oatmeal is this total dive diner right off campus. Kids go there to nurse their hangovers with greasy eggs and sausage.

“I don’t think you’re allowed to go there without a hangover, are you?” I ask. “I bet the food is terrible sober.”

He props himself up on an elbow and flirts, “But I will have a hangover. An Annie hangover. I’m drunk off you, baby.”

“Oh my God, you did not just say that!”

Jeremiah collapses into a giggle fit worthy of his ten-year-old sister. “You should’ve seen the look on your face!”

I hit him over the head with his pillow, and then it’s time for bed. He turns his back while I change into one of his T-shirts. He changes into a pair of Nike mesh shorts and a tee that says
Bell
Buckle
Ten
Miler
2005
. I’m shaking as we crawl under the covers. What would Mom say if she knew I was spending the night in his bed?

After quickly punching out a text to Mason telling him not to come back tonight, Jeremiah reaches past my shoulder to turn off his lamp, then spoons me. The party downstairs is still going strong, but the sound of his heartbeat is louder, especially when I twine my fingers with his and kiss him good night over my shoulder.

“Somebody didn’t come home last night,” Vanessa sings.

For lunch on Sunday, I go to the dining hall with Kelsey and Vanessa, and Vanessa wants to know everything.

Kelsey points at me with her fork. “You disappeared upstairs at the party pretty quick.”

“Did you and Colton have a nice time?” I ask to delay this conversation.

Kelsey shakes her head. “I started talking to this guy John about an econ paper I have to write—he’s a TA in my class. Colton didn’t bother to let me introduce him, so I guess he assumed I was interested in John…” She takes a deep breath. “So Colton left the party with some floozy.”

“I’m sorry, Kels,” I reply, unable to believe Colton would leave with another girl. Vanessa gives her a side hug while I wonder if he only pretended to hook up. I can’t imagine him having eyes for anybody else, not even, like, a Victoria’s Secret model.

Kelsey shrugs. “So what happened with Jeremiah?”

I push salad around on my plate. “We kissed.”

“And then you slept over?” Vanessa asks hurriedly.

“Nothing really happened. We just made out.”

“Are y’all together now then?” Kelsey asks.

I shake my head. “He said he could wait until I’m ready.”

“But you are ready to sleep over and kiss him?” Kelsey goes on, sounding pissed.

“What’s your problem?”

“My problem is that you’re leading him on.”

“I’m not leading him on. I’ve been honest with him this entire time. If anybody’s leading somebody on, it’s you with Colton.”

She scowls, and it wouldn’t surprise me if steam came out of her ears. “You really like Jeremiah. I don’t see why you can’t admit it.”

“I don’t see why you can’t give Colton a chance.”

People at the surrounding tables have stopped talking. A small crowd stands nearby, listening in.

“Chick fight,” a random guy says, bumping fists with a friend.

“Ugh,” Kelsey exclaims.

Vanessa shoos the eavesdropping guys away, then picks up her tray. “Y’all need to talk. And I’ve got a study group for world politics.” She leaves us there alone.

“Look,” I say. “I’m sorry if I went too far with Colton. I shouldn’t guess to know how you feel.”

“You’re right. You shouldn’t. We haven’t been friends in years.”

I rip the crust off my sandwich. I had hoped that we were getting back to where we once were. Before high school. Before life took over.

“I’m sorry I stopped coming over to your house back then, but I want to be your friend now,” I say.

“Why? Why am I suddenly good enough for you? Is it because your boyfriend’s gone? Is that it?”

Did she really say that?

“No, Kels.” I take a shaky breath through my anger. “It’s because I’ve missed you for a long time. Since eighth grade, when you became better friends with Vanessa than me. I missed you even after you told everyone that I started dating Kyle even though you liked him. You know I wouldn’t have done that, Kelsey. Why did you wait to say something until Kyle and I had been going out for months? We were in love by that point…and I wouldn’t dump him for no reason, for a friend who hadn’t spoken to me in forever.”

“Because…I wanted to hurt you,” she says quietly. “Your life was so perfect…and you just left me behind for a boy.”

“I felt like you left me behind when your mom got married and you moved into a new house while I was still in Oakdale. I didn’t feel good enough for you anymore.”

We sit in silence, pushing our salad around on our plates.

I pull a deep breath. I should’ve tried harder to keep our friendship back then. “I want to be friends. Here, right now. I care about you. I don’t know how I’m going to make it through college without my friend.”

“I missed you too. I still do.”

“Then let’s start over.”

There’s a long pause before she picks her fork up and scoops her rice. “So you spent the night at Jeremiah’s?”

“Yes.”

“I slept over in Colton’s room on Friday. That’s why he got so pissed I was talking to my TA.”

I slap the table. “What? How did we not know this? How did Iggy not let it slip?”

“I told her that gossiping goes against the Baha’i faith.”

I snigger. “Is it?”

“I have no idea.” Kelsey laughs and sips her Diet Coke.

“So you slept over with Colton? But you’re not together?”

She shakes her head.

“Have you kissed?”

Another shake of the head. “I don’t want to lose him as a friend…not like I lost you.”

“I don’t think you’ll lose him,” I say quietly.

“But it’s a big risk.”

“I know what you mean. I never thought I’d lose him…”

“Kyle?”

I nod slowly. “But I’m glad I didn’t miss any of the time I had with him. If I’d been worried I’d lose him, maybe I wouldn’t have dated him. And I never would’ve had all those other moments.”

Realizing this, my body feels lighter, feels stronger, like I could go out and run a marathon right now.

“But you aren’t with Jeremiah yet?” Kelsey asks. “I can tell you like him.”

“I do…but he does all these adventure races and goes bungee jumping and does other crazy stuff…and I’m worried something will happen to him.”

“So you’re telling me to risk being with Colton, even though it could ruin our friendship, but you won’t give Jere a chance? Why not enjoy what you have now?”

“Why don’t you enjoy what you have with Colton?”

We laugh together.

“I’m sorry…” Kelsey says. “I shouldn’t have spread that rumor that I liked Kyle.”

“Forget about it. We’re starting over.”

•••

Sunday night, Jeremiah shows up at my dorm room.

I let him in and the door clicks shut behind him. He’s wearing a white button-down shirt, a skinny plaid tie loosened at the neck, and gray pants, aka the nice outfit he bought for fraternity meetings. He’s carrying a box of mac ’n’ cheese, a stick of butter, and a carton of milk.

“What’s going on?”

“I thought I’d cook you supper.”

A smile breaks out on my face. How cute is this? A guy cooking me mac ’n’ cheese.

I lead him into the kitchen, where he gently pushes me against the counter and drops a kiss to my lips. “You think one box is enough for us?” he asks, looking at it dubiously.

I run my fingers over his slim hips. “I’m sure that’s enough.”

“But normally I eat a box all by myself…I don’t share.”

“Well, I’m honored you’ll share your macaroni with me. Maybe I’ve got something we can pair with it.”

“Maybe we can pair it with kissing.”

How
cheesy
, I smile to myself. But I can do cheesy as long as it involves kissing.

He steals one, and another, and butterflies flutter around in my stomach. I really get into it, and I’m fixing to pull Jeremiah out of the kitchen into my bedroom and under the covers when Kelsey and Colton stumble out of the bathroom together. Neither is wearing a shirt.

“Uh, hi,” I say. Kelsey and Colton burst out laughing. Jeremiah and I stand there, wide-eyed. I figured they might get together soon, but this is
soon
soon. It’s only been a few hours since Kelsey and I spoke about her taking a risk. At least she has a bra on.

“What happened to the drought?” I ask with a sly smile.

“It’s over!” Colton says, making Kelsey laugh again, and then they start kissing like there’s no tomorrow.

“Y’all want some macaroni?” Jeremiah asks, raising his eyebrows.

“Maybe later,” Colton says. “I’m not done with Kels yet.”

She laughs and I say “Blech” because that is way too much info.

“Did you talk to him yet?” she asks me, and I shake my head. “Get to it.” She grabs the jump rope and ties it to her bedroom door before they disappear inside.

“Well then,” I say.

Jeremiah stares at the jump rope for several seconds, then shrugs. “I’m glad we don’t have to share our macaroni with them,” he says in his drawl. “I was getting worried about portion sizes.”

I grin, shaking my head. I leave Jere to watch the water boil and start searching through my fridge for something to pair with the macaroni. “How about we boil these hot dogs too?”

He points at me with a plastic spoon. “Now you’re talking.”

When the food is cooked, we sit on my bed Indian style and watch Sunday Night Football together. The official season hasn’t started yet, but Jeremiah insisted on watching because it’s the Titans. I’m pretty interested myself because Coach Woods’s older brother plays for them. I smile to myself, realizing I never would’ve met Jeremiah if not for her. I probably wouldn’t be training for a marathon anymore, either.

“What was Kelsey talking about?” Jeremiah asks, spooning noodles into his mouth. “She asked if you’d talked to me about something yet.”

I chew my macaroni. “It was nothing.”

He taps his bowl with his fork. “I don’t believe that.”

“You are the nosiest boy I’ve ever met.”

“Tell me what Kelsey meant, or I’m stealing the rest of your mac ’n’ cheese.”

“That’s evil.” We eat in silence for a minute or so until he speaks again.

“So they’re together now? How did that happen?”

“I told Kelsey she needed to take the risk with him.”

A knowing smile appears on his face. “And she…wanted you to take a risk with me?”

How did he figure that out? “You said you’d give me time,” I say quietly, digging my thumbnail into my palm.

He runs a hand through his hair and takes a deep breath. “I can.”

I can’t define what we are or how I feel. I thought Kyle was my one and only. And now there’s Jeremiah…and I like being with him.

But I’m still not sure I’m ready to risk going after something more.

•••

“Matt!”

He sprints to me from the mile marker nine water stop. “What’s wrong? What’s the matter? Is it your knee?”

When I reach him, I grab his arms. “I need Vaseline. Now.”

He bites down on his lips but can’t contain the burst of laughter that erupts from his mouth. He digs in his pack and pulls out the glorious Vaseline. I grab it. Rush off the trail. Hide behind a tree. Scoop the gunk out and rub it between my legs, sighing loudly.

“Annie?” Concern fills Matt’s voice.

“If you tell your brother about this, I’ll kill you!”

He laughs. Hard.

Today we’re running twenty-two miles, our longest distance before the marathon next month. I’ve done thirteen miles already—nine to go.

After slathering Vaseline everywhere, I join back up with Andrew and Liza on the trail. They are both sniggering at my chafing incident. I scowl at them. Andrew started running with us a couple weeks ago. He even gave up his iPod. Now he entertains us with stories about his little boys from his first marriage and his job working as the sheriff over in Smyrna.

“Wait,” I say. “You got a 911 call because someone lost their python in their house and then it turned up at the Walmart?”

“In the produce section,” Andrew says. “I thought I was gonna have to shoot the thing but animal control arrived just in time. Now people want to sue Walmart for undue stress, even though it’s not their fault somebody lost their python.”

“Liza’s a lawyer,” I say. “She can handle it all.”

“I’m an employment lawyer,” Liza says. “I only deal with human animals.”

Matt’s assistants have tables set up every couple miles along the path. I find myself slurping water and pouring it down the inside of my shirt to stay cool. I eat Jolly Ranchers. Swing my arms back and forth. At about mile fifteen, I need to eat something more substantial or I won’t make it another mile, much less seven. From the side pouch of my CamelBak I pull out an energy gel pack. I haven’t eaten one of these before. Matt says the trick is to eat little bits at a time so I won’t get sick; with my weak stomach, I can’t take any chances. I rip the pouch open. Gooey, sticky stuff oozes out and coats my hands.

“Oh gross,” Liza says, giving the gel pack a dirty look.

I lick a tiny bit off my thumb. “It doesn’t taste too bad. It’s kind of like super sugary honey.” Over the next mile, I finish eating the gel pack but with no trashcans in sight and not wanting to litter, I stick the gooey wrapper in my CamelBak. I groan at the mess it will make.

“Ugh, this is terrible,” I say, trying to lick the stickiness off my fingers. I pray that a water stop is coming up, so I can wash my hands. I would wipe my hands on my shorts but I don’t want an even bigger mess. Then my stomach starts churning.

I clutch my side. “Oh no.”

“Your stomach?” Andrew asks.

I nod. Thank the heavens there’s a porta-potty at mile marker five. I jog ahead of my friends and then I’m sprinting, totally out of breath, knee on fire. I need the bathroom. Need the bathroom now.

Gotta
go, gotta go, gotta go.

I barely make it. Andrew and Liza are nice enough to wait for me while I go to the bathroom. Ever since I gave up ibuprofen for Tylenol, I haven’t had to go as often, but it still happens. Just my luck I need to go during a twenty-two-miler. I hate my weak stomach.

I hit an all-time low scraping the energy gel gunk off my fingers with toilet paper. Little bits get stuck to my hands. Sweat rolls down my face. Gross. It’s so damned hot in the porta-potty and my stomach hurts and I can’t tell if I need to vomit or use the bathroom. I’m a sweaty, disgusting mess. Ugh.

“Thanks, y’all,” I say when I’m done. “I don’t think I could finish without you.”

Andrew pats my back. “We couldn’t finish without you either, Annie.”

For the final five miles, we don’t talk at all. None of us has the energy. I can’t run fluidly anymore—I’m doing a sort of limp run. My knee throbs. Dr. Sander’s voice fills my head:
“I have to tell you, I’m not sure if your knee will make it through the race.”

The 0 mile marker comes into view. I let out a sob.

“Thank God!” Andrew gasps.

Cheers erupt as we pass the mile marker. I walk it off for about thirty seconds but then I start to collapse. Matt grabs my elbows. Holds me up. Lowers me to a beach towel. It feels like a hundred bees are stinging my legs at once. Sweat streams down my face, burning my eyes.

I start crying. Liza sprawls out on the towel next to me. Andrew bends his head between his knees. I lean to my side and vomit all over the pavement.
Not
again
.