Broken Series (11 page)

Chapter Nineteen

Mallory

My brain wasn’t functioning properly. It couldn’t be. At least, that’s what I told myself to reason why I had left a crowded bar and gone out into the night alone. It was a stupid, childish thing to do, but now that I’d done it, I sure as hell wasn’t turning around to watch Luke maneuver some other woman. Especially Carrie. It was bad enough I had been jealous enough, and drunk enough, the first time she was brought to my attention to try to break them up.

Now that I had slept with Luke again, I didn’t even want to think about the dumb things I would do if I knew they were back together. It tore my heart to pieces. As I walked the sidewalk through town, I thought about the past I shared with Luke.

It was my sixteenth birthday. Long after the surprise party Dad and Luke threw for me, I lay on my bed exhausted while Luke thumbed through my loot.

“Do you know how much money you got? There has to be at least five hundred dollars here,” he said with a sigh. While money had never been a problem for Dad, we weren’t exactly rich, either. I had my own savings account with two grand in it that no one, not even Luke, knew about. I planned on using the money when I moved to Boston.

My plan, for as long as I could remember, had been to escape the lame small-town life in order to get a better education, better job, and ultimately, better life than Casper could offer me. I included Luke in my plan to move, since he insisted on putting off college until I graduated high school so we could go together. I hadn’t asked him to do that—he simply wanted to be with me.

“Yeah, people are generous,” I brushed off his obsession with money. That was part of the reason I didn’t tell him about my stash. It wasn’t that I didn’t trust him; he would just want to use it for something local, like buying a car or investing in our future. And while those weren’t bad ideas, my money was my escape fund. It was my way out.

“Generous? Hell, I wish I knew so many generous people,” he muttered. Luke had grown up on the poorer side of life. His deadbeat father had done little to support him and his mother, and then when she passed away, Luke had been more or less on his own. He had worked nearly full time all through high school while maintaining a decent enough grade point average to be considered for several colleges. But he’d pushed college off. For me.

“Luke, we should talk about college,” I said from my spot on my bed. I sat up and crossed my legs Indian-style. He turned to look at me and sat in the ratty old chair at my desk.

“What’s up?” he asked.

“I want to go to college in Boston,” I explained. He didn’t even blink.

“Then that’s where we’ll go,” he answered. He moved over to the bed and took my hands in his. “I want to be where you are, Mallory. Always.”

I fought the memory as it flooded my mind. I had been so sure we could survive anything at that point. We were so in love. But his mind had changed. He had chosen to stay while I had gone. If I had known then about my father’s cancer, I would have stayed, though. Or, at least, that’s what I told myself. But Luke had known and chosen not to tell me. He’d let me go instead of keeping his promise to always be where I was.

“Mallory! Wait up,” a deep voice called from somewhere behind me. I half turned toward the voice, but I knew it was Luke before I saw him. I stared at him for a moment before I decided to cross the street. I was leaving in the morning. The more distance between us, both physically and emotionally, the better. I jogged through the crosswalk and begin my ascent up the big hill in town toward one of the stoplights. I heard his shoes behind me against the pavement and I willed him away. Just as I passed the local bookshop and café, he caught up with me.

“What the hell, Mal?” he said as he stood in front of me to block my path. I stopped and stared at him. “Why did you leave?”

“Seriously, you have to ask?” I replied. I rolled my eyes and made to move around him. Was he really that dense?

“Mallory, please–”

“No, Luke, I’m not doing this. I can’t watch you move one while I’m still stuck in a place where I am pretty sure I’m in love with you. And all the while, you get to go back to the bachelor life and hit on Carrie or any other woman. I can’t do it,” I whispered. His eyes widened at my words, but he didn’t say anything. I stepped closer to him. “I want you to want to be where I am.”

I quoted his words from so long ago and wondered if he would even remember. I doubted it. Men were dense. I tried to step around him again and he let me. He didn’t speak, but he followed me up the hill. I assumed it was for some sort of protection, but when Rainey appeared at the corner in her minivan, I jumped in the front seat and told her to drive. She didn’t question me.

Luke stared after us; I watched him in the side-view mirror. He didn’t move the entire time I watched him. He looked frozen in place. My heart constricted uncontrollably and I fought back tears. It was probably the last time I would see him. I tried not to think about him.

I only had a few drinks, but I knew better than to get behind the wheel. Rainey, on the other hand, hadn’t had a single drink all night.

“What’s with you, Rainey?” I asked to distract myself from thoughts of Luke.

“Nothing. Why?” She sounded nervous. I didn’t want to push it. She would tell me when she was ready, just like Gabby had suggested. It hurt that she had confessed her secret to Gabby before me, but I push the pain away, much as I had done with all the other pain in my life.

“Never mind,” I muttered. I was leaving in the morning. It was probably better I didn’t know what was going on with her anyway. I stared out the window as she drove me home. The town passed with silent quickness and then we were on the back road that led to my house.

The small ranch was in need of some repairs, but now that it was for sale, I wouldn’t have to worry about it. The buyer would have to see to those repairs and I would have to mourn the loss of my childhood home.
Alone.
Always alone. Dad had made sure I could stand the loneliness, though—he’d sent me to Boston without a second thought. He didn’t want me to rely on him or Luke, or anyone. And I didn’t. I was perfectly fine alone. Or so I told myself. But the people in my life kept leaving, which meant I had to accept the loneliness.

Even though I was the one leaving Luke, he didn’t make much of an effort to convince me to stay. But that wasn’t what I wanted. Not really. I wanted him to be willing to make sacrifices for me, the way I’d sacrificed my city life to come home for my dad. That was love. But I knew it was impossible. Rainey pulled into my driveway and I got out.

“Thanks for the ride, Rain,” I said. I was about to close the door when she stopped me.

“Mallory? I know I need to tell you, but I don’t know how,” she whispered. I sat back in the minivan and grabbed her hand.

“You don’t have to tell me anything, Rainey. I know you’re going through some stuff, and although I don’t know what it is, I want you to know that I will always be here for you. You’re my best friend,” I said. She wrapped her arms around me and we hugged. She had a hard time letting go, as did I.

“I’m going to be in Boston on Tuesday, for, umm, a business meeting. Can you do lunch?” she asked. She wasn’t telling me the truth, but I let it slide.

“Of course. I would be happy to,” I assured her. “Call me when you’re in the city and we’ll meet up.”

She smiled happily and I wondered if she would finally tell me what the hell was going on with her at our lunch. I doubted it.

The following morning, I was all ready to go. Gabby came by around seven to see me off. Irene was at the house already, since she had moved in. They both cried when we said our goodbyes. I hugged them both fiercely as the small town and these amazing people tugged on my heart. I wanted to stay. It wasn’t a revelation, but rather a knowledge deep in my soul that I was meant to be here.

But I wasn’t going to stay and watch Luke date other women. So even though I knew I should unpack all my things, I would get into my car and drive away from the life that
could
have been mine. The life I should have lived, in another, more innocent life.

Rainey didn’t show up, but I hadn’t expected her to—we’d said our goodbye last night. And I would see her in just a few days in Boston. Baker and Wolfe pulled into the drive just as I was about to get in my car. I smiled when I saw them. I noticed Gabby seemed irritated to see Wolfe, but she didn’t protest. These men had become my friends in the short time I’d been home.

“You didn’t think we were going to let you leave without a proper goodbye, did you?” Baker asked. He slammed the door of his truck and wrapped me in a bear hug, lifting me off the ground. I laughed as he twirled me around. It reminded me of my first night home at The Landing. I felt the tears well up again, but I managed to tamp them down.

“I’m going to miss you,” I said into his ear. I squeezed his neck and he put me down.

“You wouldn’t have to miss me, you know, if you stayed. I could annoy you all the time, then,” he promised.

“Oh,
that
would be something,” I murmured. He was right, though—I didn’t have to miss any of them. I could stay right where I was. But I wouldn’t back down. I would not make sacrifices for Luke if he wasn’t at least willing to sacrifice something for me. I knew it was childish, but I needed to know he would put forth the effort.

“Have a safe trip,” Wolfe said. He hugged me loosely and I put my arms around his waist. I gulped down my tears and managed to pull away from him without bursting into tears. I smiled up at him then turned to the group.

“Thanks, guys. Time to get on the road,” I said. Luke didn’t show up. I hadn’t expected him to and yet when I pulled out of the driveway, I felt like he should have. I growled at myself. I needed to stop this ridiculous attachment to him. I hit a button on my iPod and my favorite Pistol Annies song blasted through the speakers.

I screamed the lyrics along with the song as I let the tears flow.

Chapter Twenty

Luke

Mallory was gone for three full days before I lost it. I drove out to The Landing at noon and spent six hours there, drinking my pain away. When Baker and Wolfe showed up after work to try to get me to go home, I tried to fight them. Luckily for me, I wasn’t able to do more than just stagger around the bar.

“Let’s get you home,” Wolfe said as he and Baker each grabbed one of my arms. I didn’t want to go home, but I knew I needed to get out of this bar.

In Baker’s truck, I sat in the passenger seat with my head almost completely out of the window, just in case. I hadn’t thrown up from drinking in several years, but the way I felt, I knew it was a definite possibility. Behind us, Wolfe followed along behind the truck. When we got to my apartment, they had to more or less carry me up the stairs. They deposited me into the bathroom.

“Throw up, take a shower, do whatever you have to do to get yourself cleaned up,” Baker demanded in a harsh voice. He’d never been serious a day in his life, but here he was, firm and even fatherly. Rainey must have rubbed off on him. I groaned when I wondered what Rainey and Gabby would have to say about this. Fortunately for me, Rainey was getting ready to visit Mallory in Boston and Gabby was busy helping Irene get the Wells’ house ready for the sale.

The door slammed behind Baker and I was left alone with my thoughts. I thought I might feel better if I purged, so I leaned over the toilet and let go. Several minutes later, my head cleared a little and I was able to start the shower. The steamy water refreshed me even more. When I stepped from the shower, I felt like this afternoon was some long-ago dream. Or nightmare. But I was reminded of exactly what I’d done when I stepped out of the bathroom and into my living room. I had thrown on a pair of jeans and a T-shirt I had hanging on the back of the door in the bathroom. Wolfe and Baker stared me down as I approached them in the kitchen.

Wolfe leaned casually against the counter while Baker stood rigid in the center of my kitchen, arms folded across his chest. I was about to be scolded and I never felt like I deserved it more. Wolfe handed me a bottle of water and a handful of aspirin. I took them gratefully.

“Are you an idiot?” Baker asked me after another minute of silence.

“It would seem so,” Wolfe replied for me. He was right, of course. I
was
an idiot. I never should have let Mallory go back to Boston, never should have started drinking today, and never should have become friends with these two.

“I have my reasons,” I mumbled. I swigged more water.

“Reasons for ruining your life? Do tell,” Baker insisted.

He wasn’t going to back down and I suddenly wished for the days when we would joke nonstop. I wasn’t too sure I liked this serious Baker.

“Mallory and I are done. She told me so herself. She doesn’t want anything to do with me. I never should have gotten involved with her when she came back. She wasn’t looking for some commitment, she only came home to bury her father. I think that much is obvious. And as to my drinking, I know it was stupid. But I couldn’t deal with the pain of being
again,
” I explained.

“Alcohol won’t numb the pain, Luke. If anything, it worsens it. Trust me, I know,” Wolfe said quietly. I looked at him and realized how much he understood exactly how I felt. Mallory and I might not have been married, but we had been so happy. And now all that remain between us was regret and broken promises.

“You’re right,” I said. “Thank you both for getting me out of there when you did.” It was a thanks and apology all rolled into one. They both nodded.

“So, now that you’re coherent, what are you going to do about Mallory?” Wolfe asked.

I was confused. “Do? There’s nothing to do. She’s gone,” I said. The words gripped my heart and shred it into a million tiny pieces.

“Only if you let her go. She still has feelings for you, Luke,” Baker insisted.

I knew he was right. She’d told me as much the night before she left.
I want you to want to be where I am.
Was she saying she wanted me to come to Boston? To make some romantic gesture to her? I wasn’t sure, but I wasn’t about to move to Boston, either. I hated the city.

“I know she does. And I am in love with her. But it doesn’t matter if we can’t work our problems out. There are too many complications,” I said.

“You’re a coward,” Wolfe spat.

“Excuse me?” My head was still a bit cloudy, but he couldn’t be talking to me.

“You are. The woman you love wants to be with you, she just doesn’t know how. If Gabby asked me to stop the earth so we could be together, I wouldn’t stop until I found a way to do it. I would do
anything
to keep her in my life,” Wolfe said, and then emphasized, “Anything.”

His words sparked the harsh reality of what I was letting go. Mallory wasn’t just a fling for me, she wasn’t someone I had a one-night stand with and could easily toss aside. She was
Mallory
. My first love, and really, my only. I’d been with women in our time apart, but none had evoked the emotions in me that she did. None of them completed me, as cliché as that was. I could be myself around her without worrying she would be unimpressed or repulsed. She had been my best friend. And I wasn’t ready to let that go. Not without a fight.

“You’re right,” I said.

“You’re damn straight he’s right. I’m sick of watching this soap opera of your life, Luke. Mallory is the one, you dumbass. So stop trying to run away from her and get your shit together,” Baker scolded.

Again, he was this fatherly figure who knew more than I did and wanted me to make the right decisions. What happened to the guy who only wanted to drink beer and chase tail? Rainey had changed him. I found it astonishing and terrifying.

I begged for an answer. “So what do I do to get her back?” A headache formed in the back of my brain and I knew I would feel it for a while. I rubbed the back of my head to try to ease the pain, but to no avail.

“How much do you love her?” Wolfe asked.

“What?”

Baker glanced at me. “How much are you willing to sacrifice in order to be with her?”

There it was, the word I had been afraid of since she was sixteen and told me she wanted to go to Boston for college:
sacrifice
. The truth was, I hadn’t been ready to sacrifice anything back then. I was a stupid kid who thought the girl I loved would follow me anywhere, even if I didn’t go anyplace.

“Anything,” I breathed. It was true. I wanted nothing more in my life than to be with her. She was like my own personal sun and every breath I took revolved around her. I couldn’t stand to be without her any longer.

“Move to Boston.”

I blinked at Baker’s words. Was that the answer? Would moving to Boston really make her happy? I wasn’t so sure.

“But—”

“No buts, Luke. If you want to spend your life with her, then you have to give up your life. Move to Boston, like she asked you to three years ago. Make the ultimate sacrifice for her. She’s already lost her dad; she doesn’t want to lose you, too. But she doesn’t want to be the only one making sacrifices, either,” Wolfe said.

It sounded like he knew what he was talking about. I nodded to acknowledge his words but I didn’t speak. I couldn’t. Was I capable of giving up my entire life just to be a part of hers? As much as it sounded like the perfect plan, I didn’t even know how to begin. My confusion must have been apparent, as Baker gave me his opinion.

“This is how I see it: you move out of this apartment, pack up all your stuff, and show up at her door,” he suggested.

For all his claims about
my
soap opera life, his option seemed too dramatic for me.

“Wait a second,” I said as a frightening thought occurred to me. “What if she doesn’t actually
want
to be with me and this plan backfires?”

“Well, I can take over you apartment. I’ve been looking for something else for a few weeks,” Wolfe said. “So if she still turns you down, you won’t really lose anything. But my name will be on the lease instead of yours and so you’ll just be staying with me until you find a new place.”

“This isn’t just some psychotic plan to steal my apartment, is it?”

“Yes, Luke, he’s been plotting to steal your apartment while you’ve been a dumbass,” Baker joked. That was the Baker I remembered. He always saw the lighter side of every situation.

I laughed along with them and mentally planned my trip. I would pack tonight and leave in the morning.