“You understand and agree to everything I’ve said?”
I glanced at Daddy. He looked like he was ready to break into tears any moment, but I could see the fear in his face, too, fear I would say something nasty and end it all. His eyes were full of pleading.
“I understand,” I said.
“Good.” She turned to Daddy. “All right, Horace. We’ll give it a try, but if she gives us any problem and doesn’t listen…”
“Oh, she won’t give you any problems,” Daddy said quickly. “She’s a good girl. She’s just in with too many bad kids, and she doesn’t have me around enough. I appreciate this, Mae. I know she’ll do well in a home where there is love, responsibility, and supervision.”
Aunt Mae Louise grunted skeptically and looked very self-important. I hated to see Daddy grovel like that, but I was afraid to raise my voice. I just continued to stare at nothing, like someone who could meditate herself right out of hell.
“When you bringing her things?” Buster asked. I saw that he kept his eyes on me instead of Daddy whenever he spoke about me.
“I thought tomorrow, Buster, if that’s all right with you.”
“It doesn’t matter when she starts, Horace. It’s how she behaves afterward,” Uncle Buster said.
“Oh, right. Of course,” Daddy said. “She knows that.”
“The room’s all ready. I always keep it clean and prepared for guests,” Aunt Mae Louise said. “I’ll just move some of my things out of the closet tonight so she has all the room she needs.”
“What about the school?” Daddy asked.
“I’ll get her registered and all,” Aunt Mae Louise said. “I’ve already spoken to the principal, Mr. Wallop, about her, and he explained what has to be done. You sign a paper saying you give us temporary guardianship. We go to all the parent-teacher meetings so they know us well at the school. There was even talk about Buster being on the board,” she said proudly.
“Maybe someday,” he said, “but I’m a little too busy at the moment to give it the time it requires.”
“There’s a good lesson for you,” Aunt Mae Louise told me. “Never take on any responsibility you can’t give one hundred percent to.”
I looked at her as if she was totally crazy. What did she think I was going to do, run for student government president?
“Then it’s settled,” Uncle Buster said. “How is your business going?” he asked Daddy, anxious to get off the topic of me.
They started to talk about the economy. Aunt Mae Louise brought me to the guest room and explained how she wanted things kept.
“You make sure you make the bed before you leave for school every morning, Phoebe. Fix it just like this, with the pillows fluffed and the comforter neatly folded. I don’t want people coming to my home and seeing an unmade bed. And no clothes lying about on the floor or over chairs. Everything gets hung up properly. Nothing looks messier than discarded garments. I used to fight with your mother all the time about that. She was just too lazy and didn’t care what people did or didn’t see.”
“I can keep the door closed,” I said, “can’t I?”
“It doesn’t matter if a door is closed and everything behind it is a mess. It’s still a mess. Now you be sure you don’t drop any makeup or such on this rug. It’s practically new,” she pointed out.
“You’ll be sharing a bathroom with Jake and Barbara Ann, of course. They know how to clean up after themselves. They even wash out the tub after they bathe. Jake does the best he can, and I come in after him and finish, but he’s gotten into the good habits.”
“I’m not a dirty person, Aunt Mae,” I said.
“I never said you were. I’m just telling you how things are here in our home and how I want them to remain. I feel sorry for your daddy. I felt sorry for him two minutes after he said ‘I do’ to my sister. If you care about him, you’ll be a good girl now. In a way,” she said, “it might be the best thing that happened to the both of you, your mother running off like that. The Lord works in mysterious ways, and sometimes, something that seems bad really is good. You go to church with your daddy much?” she asked.
“Never,” I said dryly.
She pulled up her shoulders.
“Well, we’ll see about changing that.”
I was going to protest, but Daddy came out and stood in the hallway with Uncle Buster, so I took a deep breath and looked away.
“Now, we’ll talk to Jake and Barbara Ann,” Aunt Mae Louise declared. “I asked them both to wait in Barbara Ann’s room,” she said, and led me two doors down the hallway.
Jake was sitting at a desk working on a puzzle. Dressed in a white shirt and a pair of black pants with his hair neatly trimmed and brushed, he looked older than five. Of course, he knew me well enough, but I also knew that both he and his sister had been warned about me often.
Barbara Ann was sitting and reading a book. They both looked up quickly when we entered.
“Children,” Aunt Mae Louise said, “your cousin Phoebe is going to stay with us for a while.”
Jake’s eyebrows lifted.
“Where’s she going to sleep?” Barbara Ann asked, probably afraid she would have to share her own room.
“She’ll be in the guest room,” Aunt Mae Louise told her, and she looked relieved. “Everyone is to behave and help everyone else. Everyone is to respect everyone else’s property,” she continued as if we were in a camp and not a home. “The same rules apply when it comes to watching television and to cleaning up after ourselves.”
“Is she going to our school, too?” Barbara Ann asked. She was tall for her age and, unfortunately for her, looked more like her father than her mother. Her features weren’t as dainty as her mother’s, and she had big shoulders and plump cheeks. She looked a good twenty or so pounds overweight.
“Of course she is.”
That seemed to interest her more.
“You can sit with me on the school bus,” she said as if she was granting me a wonderful opportunity. “I’ll save you a seat if I’m on first after school, and you can save it for me if you’re first.”
Great, a school bus, I thought, with a load of screaming children. That was just what I needed every morning.
“When is she coming to live here?” Jake asked.
It felt funny standing there and hearing everyone talk about me as if I wasn’t there.
“Tomorrow. And that’s that,” Aunt Mae Louise said. “Get ready for bed, Jake. Barbara Ann, I want to see what you did for homework tonight.”
We walked out and joined Daddy and Uncle Buster in the kitchen.
“You want something, tea or coffee, Horace?” Aunt Mae Louise offered.
“No, thank you, Mae. We’d better get back and start organizing.”
“Good idea,” she said. She turned to me. “You help your father now,” she ordered. “This is not easy for him, and he’s a good man just trying to do the best he can with his terrible burdens.”
I flinched at being called a burden, but then I thought, what else am I really?
Daddy and I walked to the front door. Uncle Buster shook his hand, and we started out. As we walked down the sidewalk to the driveway, I gazed back and saw both Jake and Barbara Ann peering out the bedroom window, looking like two children kept prisoners in some high tower. That’s how I’ll feel for sure, I thought.
The night sky was so overcast I felt like I was moving through a tunnel, even with the streetlights in front of the other homes.
“This will be only for a little while,” Daddy said after we got into the car.
I looked at him with eyes as coldly realistic as those eyes of his, and he turned away quickly.
Daddy wasn’t good at lying to anyone, even to me. To my way of thinking, that was a weakness. I used to wonder how he could be a good salesman. Everyone lies to everyone about everything, I believed. If the story of Pinocchio were true, everyone in the whole world would have a long nose.
“I’m sorry I can’t do more for you, Phoebe,” he continued. “I don’t like putting my responsibilities on someone else, but I’ve spent many a restless night worrying about you. At least I’ll know you’re safe. You understand all that now, right, Phoebe? You’ve got to be happy about that.”
I didn’t answer him. I stared out the window. This sleepy residential world looked like another planet. There were no bright lights, no music pouring out in the streets, and no one standing on any of the street corners. Everyone was locked safely behind his or her doors or gathered around television sets like cave people gathered around fires.
Then I thought that somewhere in the night, Mama was laughing. I was sure. She was listening to music and having a good old high time of it. Did she even pause once to think about me? Did she ever wonder about me? Or did she force herself to forget me? I had no doubt that she would probably say I was better off with her sister than I was with her. Mama never tried to pretend she was good.
“I’m born to raise hell,” she would tell me, and she would laugh.
Am I born to raise hell, too? I would wonder.
“I hope you’ll behave yourself, Phoebe,” Daddy suddenly said as if he could read my thoughts.
He said it like a prayer.
And what are prayers, I thought, if not just little lies between yourself and God?
I never really believed I was saying good-bye to anyone or saying good-bye to my home in the city. In my heart I truly believed I would be coming back sooner rather than later. Back at the apartment that night, Daddy hovered about like a nervous soon-to-be father, pacing in front of my door while I packed with little or no enthusiasm.
“Don’t take any of those wild clothes of yours, Phoebe. You’ll just steam up your aunt and uncle. Leave them here,” he pleaded. “None of those rings in your nose and your belly button, and no cigarettes. For God’s sake, no cigarettes. She becomes a banshee when she sees people smoking, a truly wild spirit warning people of impending death.”
It irked me how afraid of Aunt Mae Louise he was.
“I don’t have any cigarettes and I don’t have any wild clothes, Daddy. I’m not wearing no old lady’s clothes just to please her.”
“You’ve got to make this work,” he said. “Take it slowly, a day at a time. I’ll come by as much as I can, and I promise I’ll take you places on weekends.”
“Where you going to take me, Daddy? Some kiddy fun park?” I threw back at him.
“I’m just trying to make it work,” he protested. “We’ll go to a movie or I’ll take you to a nice restaurant, whatever, but I’m not bringing you back here to mingle with those juvenile delinquents, so don’t ask.”
“Right,” I said, looked at a miniskirt I knew would set off Aunt Mae Louise, and then tossed it on the closet floor.
“Maybe I’m better off with some strange foster family,” I muttered.
After I packed, I called Sylvia and told her what was happening.
“You’re movin‘?”
“It’s temporary,” I said. “Believe me.”
“Right. You ain’t that far away anyhow,” she said. “You come in on weekends and stay with me.”
That cheered me up until I considered that Aunt Mae Louise would probably not allow it, and Daddy had made it clear he wouldn’t. I wasn’t going to put up with it, I vowed. I don’t know why I’m packing so much, I told myself. I’ll be coming back so fast, it’ll make Daddy’s head spin. Either that or I’ll just run off like Mama.
“Maybe you and Beneatha could come out there, too,” I suggested to Sylvia.
“What’s to do out there?” she asked.
“I don’t know. When I find out, I’ll tell you.”
“Good luck with that,” she said.
I was so depressed I couldn’t sleep, so I went back out and saw Daddy was sitting in the living room staring at the television set. I could tell he didn’t care what he watched. His eyes were glassy, and he didn’t even realize I was standing beside him.
He can’t be too happy about how his life was turning out, either, I thought, but I didn’t feel sorry for him as much as I felt he should do something about it, prove he had that spine Mama said he didn’t have. Why was he so defeated? Plenty of my friends lived with a single parent and got by.
“Why don’t you just get a job here in the city, Daddy?” I asked him. “That way you wouldn’t be away from home and no one could come take me off. Maybe we could move to a better apartment or something, too.”
“Whaaa?” he said. He looked up at me.
“I asked you, why don’t you get a different job?”
He shook his head and smiled like I was asking him to go to the moon.
“I’ve been doing this too long to change now, Phoebe. Soon I’ll get better routes with better clients. Someone’s retiring. Soon we’ll have a better plan.”
“Right. Better this, better that, soon,” I said, disgusted, and went to bed hoping to bury my frustration and anger deep into the pillow.
Damn you, Mama, I thought. If you were running off, you could have at least taken me along. I fell asleep dreaming of it.
The next morning Daddy was up ahead of me and had my suitcase at the door.
“Can’t wait to get rid of me, can you?” I told him bitterly.
“You know that’s not so, Phoebe. You know what’s going on as well as I do. Don’t make this harder than it is for me. Or for yourself, for that matter,” he said.
Sullenly, I drank some juice, smeared some jam on a piece of toast, and drank a cup of coffee. He sat there turning the spoon around and around in his cup, his eyes down. This might very well turn out to be the last breakfast we have together, I thought, and despite myself, I started to feel sorry for him, imagining him all alone in this dump. What would he do for fun? What would he look forward to in his life now?
“You gonna go out with someone new?” I asked, and he looked up sharply.
“What?”
“Someone new? Mama’s gone for good, so why wouldn’t you?” I pursued.
When I was very young, I saw him and Mama behave more like a husband and wife, kiss each other, hold hands, laugh, and even dance. I had no idea what had changed it all. It seemed almost to have happened overnight.
“I wouldn’t go out with another woman while I was still married to your mother, Phoebe. That’s adultery.”
“Well, she’s doing it.”
“I’m not her,” he said.
“But you’re getting a divorce, aren’t you?”