Authors: Jill Valley
“I’m Oliver,” he says, reaching
out his hand. I shake it, more aware of JJ at one side of the bar than I am of
the guy sitting there talking to me.
“Nora,” I say, extending my hand
to his. His hands are clammy, and I feel more uncomfortable than ever.
“What do you do?” he asks.
JJ comes over and gives me a
look.
I don’t know what to do, so I
don’t do anything. JJ looks at Oliver, who has no idea how my stomach is
churning because of the proximity of JJ.
“We’re good, man, thanks,” he
says. At least he was nice about it.
“You here for long?” he asks.
“Just the summer,” I say. “Then I
go back to school in the fall. I can’t wait.”
He nods. “Yeah, we get loads
summer people. I live around here now, but I didn’t grow up here. You have big
plans for the summer?”
I shake my head. “Just working.”
“And coming to the Remember?” he
asks, lifting his shoulders and head as he says it.
“Yes, she is,” says Lizzy,
cutting in from her talk with the other football player.
JJ reappears just as Aimee and
her guy, Louis, come back.
“That was awesome,” she coos.
“Lizzy, you have to dance.”
Lizzy only hesitates for a
second, then she puts her glass down. “Let’s do it.”
I feel lost as both of my friends
leave me alone with Oliver. It’s not that he isn’t nice, he might be too nice,
I just don’t talk to guys. Ever. Under any circumstances. The only guys I still
talk to are my brother Ellis
,
and of course Steven, and I only
talk to Steven because if I didn’t Lizzy would have a fit.
I take a deep breath. I feel my
chest tighten and my ears start to ring. I’ve nearly finished my drink and
Oliver is asking me if I want another one, but I can’t really hear him.
In the confusion battling inside
of me I find myself looking for JJ, and lo and behold, he appears around the
corner. I might just be imagining it, but I think his eyes are searching for
me, too.
He comes over to me, and I feel
my chest loosen just the tiniest bit. I have no idea what I look like, but I’m
pretty sure it’s pathetic.
“Hey,” he says. “You okay?” He
has to lean over the bar to say it, and he total ignores Oliver, who is
watching his friends and barely notices that the bartender has come up to us. I
have a strangely safe feeling.
“Yes,” I say, breathing out.
“Sorry, you probably think I’m pathetic.”
JJ shakes his head. “Nope, stay
as long as you want. It’s nice to have you.” He adds the last bit before he
darts away again. I feel a pull to follow him, so I do it with my eyes. His
expression is serious and concentrated. I watch his expert hands grab a glass
and flip it a couple of times.
JJ pays attention. I don’t like
being the center of attention. I like to blend, but I have a feeling JJ doesn’t
care. He’s good at what he does and he’s funny.
Oh, and he’s gorgeous, as proven
by the fact that every girl in the bar is staring daggers at me.
“Do you give free drinks to all
sorts of girls?”
JJ leans away from me, looking
momentarily surprised. Recovering quickly, he places his hands on the bar and
pulls himself forward. “Well, there are tall girls and short girls. Um,
blondes, brunettes, and redheads. Girls with freckles and girls without. I must
say I’m partial to dimples.” He nips at my cheek with his thumb and index
finger and heat spreads through my body.
“So you give free drinks to lots
of girls?” I ask, trying hard to focus.
He grins. “It all started when I
was eighteen. . . .”
I roll my eyes at his joke as he
pushes off from the bar and disappears again.
“Sorry, what’d you say?” Oliver
obviously said something to me, but I was too busy staring at JJ’s long,
strong, expert hands to care.
“I said, are you ready to go?” he
asks. He nods to our friends. They’re over by the door, waiting for us.
Apparently it was easier for them to make their way that way than to come back
through the throng of drunken twenty-somethings.
I look for JJ, but he’s nowhere
to be seen.
“We already took care of the
bill,” says Oliver. I feel helpless. I don’t want to leave with these guys. I
don’t want Oliver touching me. I grab Lizzy’s and Aimee’s cardigans and hop out
of my bar chair. Without waiting for Oliver, I make my way toward them.
I glance back once, but JJ is
still nowhere to be seen. I wonder if his girlfriend is going to meet him when
he’s done. I wonder if they live together. They probably do. I sigh. I need to
talk to Lizzy and Aimee. Lizzy can see it in my face once we’re outside in the
cool night air, and she sends the guys packing.
“You need to get your priorities
straight,” she explains to me once we’ve started walking and made sure the guys
aren’t trying to come along. “Either you’re still hung up on what happened with
Michael or you have a crush on the bartender with the girlfriend. It cannot be
both.”
“Those both sound like such good
options,” I say sarcastically. Then, more seriously, “I just feel so safe with
him. I don’t know why. Do I need a reason?”
Lizzy shrugs. “I thought he
looked a little familiar. Maybe you knew him from somewhere. Anyway, your
answer is clear. You need to go back to the bar sometime when it’s not so loud
and crowded, and then you can have a chance to talk to him.”
I shake my head. Aimee is walking
next to us, agreeing with everything Lizzy is saying.
“It’s all well and good for you
two,” I say. “You can pick up two cute guys in a bar and then send them on
their way like it’s nothing. I’m not like that.”
“You can be,” says Lizzy gently.
“You just have to let him go.”
In the cool night air, with
darkness surrounding us and our footsteps and my heartbeat the only sounds, my
tired eyes scan the quiet, tree-lined street and I realize something for the
first time. I tiredly wrap my arms more closely around myself. Letting go might
be the hardest thing of all.
The last thing in the world I
wanted to happen was to have Jessie show up. We have a deal, and part of it
involves her not just showing up at the Remember. She doesn’t really like that
I own a bar. When she’s angry she reminds me that her family doesn’t approve.
What’s funny is that I might not
be good boyfriend material for Jessie, but it has nothing to do with my
bartending. It has to do with my father and my mother and what that made me.
“You didn’t look thrilled to see
your lady tonight,” Sylvan comments. He’s several beers, and hours, in at this
point.
I shrug. “Was it that obvious?”
“She’s an alright girl,” says
Sylvan. His eyes are distant and I wonder if he’s thinking about his lost love.
“Not right for you, though. She’s too insecure and you own a bar. It’s never
going to work that way.”
I think that’s the least of our
problems, and I know it’s never going to work. I never expected to marry her,
but you can’t date The One every time, especially when you have a past like
mine.
Sylvan realizes that too. He
tilts his head, studying me. “But you’re with her for other reasons and not
just because she’s gorgeous.”
I give him a wry smile. “Thanks
for complimenting my girlfriend.”
The bar is closing down, but
Sylvan knows us well enough to do pretty much whatever he wants.
He’s the only one left sitting at
the bar, having paid his tab a long time ago, and I’m not going to kick a cop
out, especially a friend, and especially when I’m having trouble with the Black
Jack. I’m tired, but I like these early morning chats with Sylvan. They help me
wind down after most of my employees have gone to find somewhere else to drink
for a few hours.
Sylvan chuckles. “Like I said,
she’s a nice enough girl. Just not for you. She wants normal, and given your
past that will never be you. I know the feeling.”
He tilts up his beer, finishing
it. “Not that there’s anything wrong with normal, but who wants that for the
love of his life?”
“That’s the most romantic thing
I’ve ever heard you say,” says Lila, who’s tiredly wiping down the bar. “Not
that I’ve heard you say many romantic things.”
“You sad about that?” asks
Sylvan. Lila and Sylvan flirt, but I know neither of them means anything by it.
Sylvan isn’t Lila’s type - too male - and I can’t find anyone who seems to be
Sylvan’s type.
Anyhow, what Sylvan says hit
closer to home than I like. Jessie has her own life. She’s a strong,
independent woman, and I like that about her, but I feel bad wasting her time.
I’m never going to be able to let her get as close as she wants, and I feel bad
about that, too.
I’ve managed to put off moving in
with her, which is what she wants, but she’s pressuring me more and more. I’m
not sure how I’m going to keep avoiding it.
“You should just tell her,”
Sylvan says. He’s watching my face closely and I’m sure he can read what I’m
thinking.
“I like my girlfriend,” I say.
“She’s good to me.”
“Right, but what’s good
for
you? You have problems and you need a girl who can see through the shit. You
need a girl who, when you think of having a relationship with her, doesn’t
terrify the fuck out of you. And shouldn’t you love her by now?”
“Are you saying this for your
benefit or mine?” I ask him. I would almost be amused if he weren’t right.
I date girls like Jessie because
they’re so oblivious to who I actually am that they don’t notice that I could
never love them or treat them as they should really be treated. Jessie is a way
to pass the time and divert attention from my bachelor status. I was never
meant to love someone, not after what I saw my dad do.
“You and Jessie have to end.
Either you have to do it, or she has to realize some unpleasant truths. You saw
her tonight. She wasn’t even happy to be here. She’s standing in your dream and
she’s unhappy to be there.” Sylvan shakes his head. “That’s fun for you?”
I grimace. Jessie hates that I
own a bar, never mind that I work hard and it’s an impressive place. She, and
her father, think it’s beneath me, or rather, they think it’s beneath the guy
who’s dating Jessie. But it is what it is.
I like Jessie because she’s safe.
She takes care of herself and she doesn’t try to take care of me. It’s a good
thing. I’m a lost cause, and I highly doubt there’s any girl who can find me.
Even an incredibly innocent and sad one with cascades of glorious dark hair.
I roll around in bed the next
morning, Saturday, reluctant to get up. I heard Nancy leave for a jog a long
time ago. She’s a running machine. She goes for miles, comes home, showers,
then disappears. I might get through the whole summer without even talking to
her.
I feel like I made a fool of
myself last night and I don’t even know why.
I endlessly relive JJ’s and my
interaction from his point of view. He must think I’m a total child.
Lizzy told me last night that she
would text me when she woke up, but she loves to sleep past noon. I get up and
make myself breakfast, just cereal, then I take a shower. I throw on jean
shorts and a hoodie and stagger down the stairs. I’ve never been never much of
a coffee drinker, but after last night I need it.
I’m almost to the coffee shop
when I see familiar broad shoulders and dark hair, a gray t-shirt stretched
over a muscular chest. I come to a dead stop in the middle of the street.
Across the road is JJ. He’s
alone, just sort of strolling in the direction of the coffee shop. It’s a
strange sensation to have your heart start bouncing out of your chest right
when you were feeling calmer. I want to dart behind a tree, but that seems
silly.
I wonder if he’s heading for the
same coffee shop. I steel myself and cross the street. I don’t want to change
my plan, after all, and maybe he won’t even remember me anyhow.
I open the door to the coffee
shop.
For a horrible second I wonder if
he’s meeting his beautiful girlfriend, but the place is deserted. JJ is leaning
on the counter, talking to the guy taking his order. The barista is young, and
he looks like he just rolled out of bed, which he probably did.
The coffee shop has several
tables made of wood, with a variety of colorful chairs pushed up around them.
The walls are a muted blue, comforting and cozy. It looks like a great place to
sit and read.
I stand far enough behind JJ so
that when he turns around he won’t bump into me. I don’t want him to think I’m
trying to get close to him, not that anything like that would even cross his
mind. He might not even remember me from last night. He’s only seen me twice
and he sees so many faces at the bar, why would I stick out from the crowd?
I’m afraid to touch him, afraid
of how it might make me feel, and how I might react afterwards. It’s not JJ’s
fault that seeing him brings something to life in me that I thought had
drowned.
“Coffee it is,” says the guy
behind the counter, giving me a friendly nod.
JJ glances at me, then glances at
me again. He doesn’t even try to hide the double-take. I see surprise register
on his face, but I can’t tell if it’s good or bad. I feel my face burn red at
the realization that he recognizes me. I want to smile or nod or say something
smooth, but I am so not smooth. I’m the opposite of smooth. I’m sandpaper.
He turns around to me with a
smile as he takes his coffee. Unnecessarily, I step out of his way and he moves
past me, giving me another smile and a little wave. Frozen, I just stare at
him. I needed alcohol and two friends and pulsing noise to make me brave enough
to talk to him last night. Now I’m just doing an excellent impression of a
statue.
JJ’s face falls a fraction, and I
hear the doorbell tinkle as he leaves. My face is still burning as I look at
the guy behind the counter.
He looks back at me. He has badly
dyed red hair, bright blue eyes, and a lip ring, and he’s really tall and thin.
His skin is so pale that his freckles look like dots of sand on snow.
“Well,” he says expansively.
“That was awkward.”
I’m so surprised I just stare at
him.
He cracks his knuckles and raises
his eyebrows at me. He expects a response. Poor guy has no idea who he’s
dealing with. If there was a crown for socially inept around attractive, I’d be
wearing it. “Ah, well, I guess my initial assessment was wrong,” he adds.
“Huh?” I manage to squeak out.
“You saw Gorgeous and your face
looked like Christmas morning. I assumed you had hooked up with him and it had
been great, even though you don’t really look like the love ‘em and leave ‘em
type. There’s no better explanation. Now, by your dumbfounded expression, I see
how wrong I was.”
“Do you make it a habit of
reading people?” I say.
He grins at me. “I have to do
something to pass the time.”
I find myself smiling back.
“Noah, take the girl’s order,”
someone yells from the back. It’s a gravelly voice, old and commanding, filled
with pepper and vinegar.
The barista known as Noah grins
at me. “My grandmother. She owns the place. Don’t worry, Loverboy was happy to
see you, too. Thus the wave that you ignored.”
Noah laughs at the dumbfounded
expression I continue to give him.
“He didn’t even recognize me,” I
say, placing my hands on the counter. They aren’t shaking, which is a good
sign. Usually they shake when I talk to strangers. I think it’s because I’m
afraid they’ll somehow ask me about my past, or they’ll already know. I know,
it’s another thing I should add to the bucket list of things to get over.
“Of course he did,” says Noah,
scoffing. “He waved. This is a friendly town, but it’s not that friendly. I
haven’t seen a guy that happy to see a woman in a long time. Those gray eyes
don’t give away much, but I could see his pulse racing.”
Somehow his use of the word woman
throws me off. I still think of myself as a girl.
Probably because of interactions
like that.
“Yes, you’re a woman and he likes
you,” says Noah, shaking his head dramatically at me. “Gosh, whoever thought I
would have so much relationship advice to dispense before ten a.m. on a
Saturday.”
“Not your grandmother, who
thought you should be working,” comes the woman’s voice again.
Noah rolls his eyes. The sun
pouring in from the window glints off of the bazillion earrings he’s wearing.
“Grams has so many grandchildren she can’t even count them. She just uses us as
slave labor.”
“It’s good for you,” she calls
again. I laugh.
“Anyway, I hope you have many
more hot interactions with Loverboy. Now, what can I get you?” he asks.
“Delicious pastry? Hot coffee?”
“Both,” I say without thinking. I
had only planned to get coffee, but I really like Noah. Maybe because he said
JJ recognized me, and a part of me, a deep down part, desperately wants to be
seen.
“I’m surprised the electrical
current running between the two of you doesn’t have my hair standing on end,”
he says, fluffing his very messy red mop.
“Now come on, tell me all about
it while you eat,” says Noah. “What’s your name, by the way?”
Once he’s introduced himself he
gets me my order. There are a couple of chairs pushed up against the counter
and I pull one out, appreciating how silently it glides along the floor.
“My name’s Nora,” I say, sticking
out my hand. It’s brave of me. Normally I would wonder if he wanted to shake my
hand. Normally I wouldn’t be talking to a guy who just called JJ Loverboy. But
Noah takes my hand and gives it a firm shake, smiling.
“Nothing,” I inform him. “I can’t
just tell my story to a stranger.”
Noah rolls his eyes. “Are you
kidding? I’m the perfect person and I’m, like, SO bored here. None of my
friends came back for the summer. I knew I should have stayed in New York.” He
sighs sadly.
“You’re in school?”
Noah nods. “I’m going to be a
junior. Come now. I’ll tell you all about myself, although you already know my
name, my occupation, and my relationship with my grandmother, so I think we’ve
already gotten pretty personal.”
I smile. I’m just about to tell
him to continue when my phone dings. It’s Lizzy. She’s finally awake and she
wants to know if we can get coffee.
I tell Lizzy where I am. She
texts back that she’s on her way and she’s very mad that I’m getting coffee
without her. I look up to see Noah giving me a quizzical expression.
“My friend is coming,” I explain,
making myself comfortable as he puts the chocolate chip muffin I asked for down
in front of me.
“Awesome,” he says, “more
friends.” With no one else coming into the shop, Noah is free to come and stand
in front of me. He braces his chin on his palms and starts to talk.
“My life is pretty boring,” he
says, “as you can see. I’ll just give you the highlights.”
I nod, a little shocked that this
is happening. This sort of thing never happens in the big city.
“I’m the youngest of seven. My
parents coddled me all my life, which is why they’ve turned me over to Gram for
the summer. She doesn’t coddle anyone. She doesn’t even know what coddle
means.”
I smile at his joke and take
another bite of my muffin. It’s delicious.
“I’m a studio arts major, and I
love it. I’m trying to think of ways to make myself even more unemployable when
I graduate, but I’m failing. I have a wonderful group of friends, most of whom
were lucky enough to find ways to spend this summer in Europe. I like
chocolate, romantic movies, drawing, and late nights. Basically, I’m a girl.
Oh, and I’m also very observant.”
He grins at me again. For the
second time since I moved to Portland I’m feeling almost completely at ease in
a stranger’s presence.
The doorbell tinkles and I spin
around. A tiny part of me is hoping that JJ forgot something and has come back
to retrieve it.
“Oh, Gosh, I’m so sorry,” Lizzy
starts in. She’s wearing gray sweats, a white t-shirt, and sunglasses. Her mass
of blond hair is pulled into a messy ponytail. She still looks gorgeous, and I
try not to be jealous.
“This place is cute,” she says,
eyeing Noah in silent question.
“This is Noah,” I say, effecting
introductions. “This is my friend Lizzy.”
Once the two have met, Noah takes
Lizzy’s order. Unlike me, she consumes coffee like she’s afraid she won’t be
able to get any tomorrow, and if she could have it run through her veins by an
IV line I feel certain she would do it. Mostly because she said she would.
There’s something light and airy
about this coffee shop. Maybe it’s all the fresh flowers that Noah’s
grandmother, I assume, has placed everywhere. I take a sip of my coffee. It’s
hot and refreshing, even though I normally prefer tea, especially in the
morning. While Lizzy’s scone is heating, Noah comes back over to us. Lizzy has
flopped dramatically into a chair and removed her sunglasses. She looks as
tired as I feel.
Noah raises his eyebrows at me.
“Good?” he asks.
“Yup,” I say. “So, why didn’t you
go somewhere fun this summer?”
Noah grimaces. “My older brother
had some issues. He’s fine now, but I thought I should come home. Give the
family some stability.”
I grin at him. “Very stable.”
“Now, tell me all about your
boy!”
“Oh, she has boy drama, with a
capital boy and a capital drama,” says Lizzy reverently. “Luckily, he’s
adorable.”
“I know,” says Noah, bracing his
chin on his hand. “I just saw him.”
Lizzy nearly chokes on her
coffee. She looks at me wide-eyed.
“No WAY,” she says. “How could
you let me sit here for three whole minutes and not tell me that!”
“I have no idea,” I say dryly. I
might be tongue-tied with guys, but never with Lizzy.
“She was making new friends,”
Noah offers helpfully.
I wrinkle my nose and laugh.
“Exactly.”
“You know what it means, though?”
Lizzy is so excited she can barely contain herself. Even her scone, her
favorite breakfast in the world, is forgotten on the plate.
“Nope,” I say resolutely, even
though I have a pretty good idea what she’s getting at. Noah, still across from
us, is starting to smile.
“It means he LIVES around here,”
Lizzy squeals. “Isn’t it wonderful? He could have lived anywhere, but NO, he
lives here.” He really couldn’t have lived anywhere. He surely has to live
close to his bar. It’s surprising he doesn’t live above it or something.
“Either he lives around here or
his girlfriend does,” I say, determined to break the mood.
“Now, tell me about-”
But Noah doesn’t get to finish,
because the bell tinkles again.
This time three pairs of eyes
turn to stare at the door. Even before I totally turn around I know JJ has come
back. He steps through the door quickly and sees the three of us looking at
him. If I feel tired, he must feel worse. We left the bar at a decent hour, but
he was probably there past closing.
He catches sight of us and I see
a faint blush on his cheeks.
“Can I help you with something
else?” Noah asks, stepping casually back into barista mode as if we hadn’t just
been talking about the customer he’s serving.
“Yeah, I um, wanted to get a few
muffins,” says JJ. Glancing my way, he gives me a smile again. “I forgot them
before.”