By His Desire (6 page)

 She reached up hesitantly and her hands met his thighs. He sucked in a breath as she groped upwards towards his crotch, feeling her way towards his belt.

She found it. She explored the Italian leather for a moment and then undid the buckle slowly, her slender hands working precisely and carefully until she could slide it out completely and drop it on the floor.

Fuck
. Something about the graceful efficiency of those small fingers made him hard as a rock. He felt off-balance, almost dizzy with desire. He opened his mouth to give another order, any order, with no purpose other than to assert his dominance—but then her fingers brushed over his erection as they settled on his fly.

All he could do was watch and try to stay upright as Sarah undid the button and lowered his zipper. She paused, and he knew that was his cue to tell her what to do next. But his mouth was dry and he couldn’t utter a word. She hesitated, her face uncertain, but he still couldn’t speak. A little frown gathered between her brows. Then her face cleared, and she gripped his pants and boxers in both hands and drew them down over his hips.

His erection sprang free and almost hit her in the face.

His hand shot out reflexively, and thank God one of the bedposts was within reach. He gripped it hard and somehow managed to keep from collapsing as Sarah touched him for the first time.

This was another point when he’d normally tell her exactly what to do, in a hard voice that made it clear who was in charge. But he didn’t do that with Sarah. He was unbearably turned on by her tentative exploring and he couldn’t bring himself to interrupt her.

It was obvious that while she’d probably done this a few times before, she wasn’t experienced. There was a kind of shy curiosity on her face and in the way she touched him that he’d never encountered before.

Was it her inexperience that was so mesmerizing? Even as a teenager, he’d been with girls who knew what they were doing. He’d always thought that’s what he preferred. So why was it so arousing to watch Sarah trail her fingers over his hard length, hesitantly at first and then with more confidence? Why did he have to grit his teeth to keep from groaning when she finally gripped him more firmly?

Then she touched her tongue to his head, tasting him, and it was a miracle he didn’t snap the bedpost in two.

She was so cautious at first that he was caught between frustrated lust and a kind of fierce affection that was new to him. She was adorable. She was beautiful. And she was driving him insane.

She ran her tongue along his shaft, over and over, and then swirled it around his head before taking him into her hot, sweet mouth.

The sight of her lips wrapped around his cock short-circuited his brain. He’d fantasized about seeing her like this so many times, but he felt none of the triumph he’d always thought he would if he ever got Sarah naked and on her knees, with his dick in her mouth.

Instead he felt like he was standing at the edge of an abyss.

He needed to take control. He should tell her what to do, put his hand on the back of her neck to force her movements.
Harder. Faster. Deeper.

But he couldn’t. Her touch was so gentle, so hesitant...and yet it filled him with a pleasure so intense he vibrated with it. It was a strange, fragile ecstasy, and it scared the shit out of him.

And he couldn’t do a thing but let it wash over him.

She was stroking the base of his cock with her hand while she took as much of him in her mouth as she could. Her long brown hair flowed down her back and over her right shoulder in a waterfall of silk, brushing over her right breast as she leaned forward. Her nipples were hard little peaks, and her whole body seemed flushed.

She was turned on. Christ, she was turned on.

He gripped the bedpost harder and tried to control himself. It was too much, too intense. He needed to end this. He should ram his cock into her mouth, forcing her to deep throat him.

But he couldn’t do it. He couldn’t do anything that might hurt or scare her.

Fuck
.

Her movements were bolder now, and as she licked and sucked she suddenly made a little sound...an
mmmmm
of enjoyment that shot through him in a lance of pure heat.

His body tightened. He was going to come.

A strange panic seized him. He couldn’t shoot in her mouth...not this first time. She wasn’t ready for that.

He pulled away, but her hand still grasped him.

“I’m going to come,” he said hoarsely. She leaned forward and put her mouth on him again, and it felt so good he closed his eyes.

When he tried to pull away again, she gripped the back of his thighs.

Shit. He’d let go of the bedpost, and when Sarah grabbed him he was thrown off balance. He went down on his backside as he caught his weight on his forearms.

Before he could recover his equilibrium she was between his legs, her hands on his hips as she licked and sucked him, her hair falling forward and brushing over his bare skin.

There was no stopping it. His body tensed with wild excitement before his orgasm slammed into him, and then he was shooting into Sarah’s mouth as an explosion of ecstasy roared in his ears and melted his bones.

He groaned her name almost helplessly, again and again, as waves of pleasure pulsed through him. After what seemed like a long time he took a deep breath and let it out slowly, and became aware that Sarah was stroking her hands up under his shirt, which was still buttoned, and exploring the contours of his stomach and chest.

He was lying on his back with his weight braced on his elbows, and as he stared down at Sarah a spasm of terror squeezed his heart. She was naked and blindfolded and between his legs, having sucked him to near madness and brought him to one of the most intense orgasms of his life.

He felt undone.

She’d pushed his shirt halfway up his body in her exploring, but now she stopped and sat back on her heels.

“I want to take off the blindfold,” she said almost shyly. “I want to see you.” Then she reached up as though to suit action to words.

He jerked upright and seized her wrists in a grip so tight she cried out.

“No,” he said, realizing how out of control this had unexpectedly gotten and how essential it was to reestablish boundaries.

“But Keith, I—”

“Don’t say my name,” he snapped. “You can address me as Sir.”

He hardly ever demanded that his partners call him Sir. But when Sarah used his name another clutch of panic had made his heart tighten in his chest.

He couldn’t stay, he realized suddenly. He needed to get the hell out of here and regroup.

And if she was still here tomorrow, things would have to be very different between them. He’d gone easy on her tonight for some inexplicable reason, but no more.

He pulled away and got to his feet, leaving Sarah on her knees in almost the exact position she’d been when he’d first come in.

“You were doing well until the end,” he said coolly, straightening his clothes with shaking hands. “Unfortunately, trying to remove your blindfold was a direct violation of my orders. We’ll have to deal with that tomorrow night. You’ll receive your instructions at dinner.”

He paused, looking down at her. Her beautiful face was turned up towards his. With her eyes covered it was difficult to read her expression.

He was filled with an urge to rip off her blindfold himself and take her into his arms, raining kisses on that soft, sweet mouth.

His hands tightened into fists.

“You can take off the blindfold once I’m gone.”

And then he left, without bothering to say goodnight.

Chapter Four

As she finished another delicious breakfast, Sarah reflected on the fact that now, at least, she had the answer to one burning question.

She
could
turn Keith Logan on. Last night, she’d literally knocked him on his ass, and it was the sexiest thing that ever happened to her. Whatever this was to Keith, it wasn’t just a game where he pleasured her without taking pleasure himself, staying in absolute control of the situation. He’d lost control a couple of times last night, and she’d never relished anything more in her life.

She wanted to make him lose control again. But he’d made it clear at the end that he didn’t want that.

She could understand. She could sympathize. She felt the same way herself...or at least, she had until two days ago.

But she was starting to enjoy the experience of not being in control. Well...maybe enjoy wasn’t the right word. It wasn’t like a nice cup of tea, or a rainy day indoors with an Agatha Christie novel.

It was raw. It was intense.

It was dangerous.

Dangerous to the way she’d tried to live her life since she was five years old. Dangerous to her self-imposed isolation. Dangerous to every idea she had about herself.

Keith had pushed her out of her comfort zone, and she felt more exhilarated, more alive, than she ever had before.

And she wanted to give him the same thing. This week they had together was an opportunity. A chance for both of them to step outside the cages they’d made for themselves—cages of loneliness.

Because Keith
was
lonely. She’d never been more certain of anything.

Maybe he’d even been lonely in high school. It seemed inconceivable—he’d always been surrounded by people fawning over him, including every pretty girl at the Academy.

And yet, the only time she’d ever seen him look truly happy had been those moments when he was playing with the headmaster’s dog.

She wished she’d had the courage to talk to him back then. He’d given her plenty of openings. He’d always been friendly towards her, but she’d usually responded to his overtures with shrugs or monosyllables, so paralyzed with embarrassment she couldn’t even meet his eyes.

Of course a big part of that had been her social anxiety disorder, which hadn’t been diagnosed until her freshman year in college. And that wasn’t her fault.

Sarah rose from the breakfast table and went to the library, where she wandered slowly around the room, looking at the leather-bound books without really seeing them.

She wouldn’t blame herself for the past, but she wasn’t a teenage girl anymore. She was a grown woman who saw things differently now, and who could make different decisions.

Another minute brought her to the leather chair in front of the fireplace. She threw herself into it and picked up the phone on the table beside it.

“Hello, Sarah.”

Keith sounded almost resigned, as though he’d been expecting—dreading?—her call. Sarah smiled and settled deeper into the chair.

“Did you know I had a crush on you in high school?”

There was a brief, electric silence. “Are you kidding?” he asked after a moment.

“Nope. I’m surprised you don’t have a hole in the back of her head, after all the time I spent staring at you in class.”

“But you never talked to me in high school. You barely even looked at me.”

“I had social anxiety disorder. I still do.”

Another silence. How would he react to hearing that? She remembered a friend who’d struggled with bulimia telling her she never revealed that part of her history to men. “Men hate it when women have things wrong with them,” she’d said. “Especially weird, psychological things.”

Sarah had told her that plenty of men were capable of unconditional love. Of course she’d been speaking from hope, not from experience. For all she knew, her friend might be right.

But she knew in her heart that if she and Keith were going to get to the place she wanted them to be—even if was only for this one week—then concealment wasn’t an option. She had to be willing to show herself to him, and if that meant he rejected her, then so be it.

 The silence went on for at least a minute. Then—“I had no idea.”

“Neither did I, until a professor of mine in college figured it out and helped me find a good therapist. I’ve made a lot of progress in the last few years. But that’s why it was hard for me to connect with people in high school. Why it’s still hard. The truth is, it will probably always be hard. But I’m dealing with it.”

“I always knew you were shy, but I didn’t realize how much you were struggling. I wish I’d known.” There was a pause. “Can I tell you a secret?”

Sarah blinked. “Um...sure. Of course.”

“I used to make you blush on purpose. I knew if I said hi you would, so even when I knew you probably wouldn’t say hi back, sometimes I did it anyway.”

She didn’t know what to make of that. “You made me blush on purpose?”

“Yeah.”

“But...why?”

“Because it made you look so beautiful. That pink in your cheeks. It made me wonder what you’d look like blushing all over.”

Her breath caught in her throat. Now it was her turn to be silent. She could feel a blush coming on right now, creeping up her chest and her throat and burning in her cheeks.

When Keith spoke again, his voice was low and husky. “In case you haven’t figured it out yet, I had a crush on you in high school, too.”

No. That wasn’t possible. Was it?

“But…all those girls. They threw themselves at you. You could have anyone you wanted.”

“Anyone but you.”

Right, okay. That made a little more sense. “So you wanted me because you couldn’t have me? Because I was a challenge?”

“Jesus. No.” He paused. “Well...maybe a little, at first. But I’m not a fucking idiot. Do you think I couldn’t figure out that you were special? That you were the smartest, most interesting girl in school? Even if you wouldn’t talk to me, you did have to talk in class every once in a while. And I listened to you. You were passionate and brilliant and you actually gave a shit about things that mattered. How many high school kids can you say that about? I might not have been a prize back then but I give myself this much credit: I’ve always been able to recognize quality.”

He sounded like he meant what he was saying.

He’d liked her in high school?

“I had no idea,” she said, unconsciously echoing what he’d said a few minutes before.