“God, Joe—what have you
done?
”
“I don’t know. It was just…I don’t know. It’s complicated…I’ll tell you all about it later on. Right now, I just want to get home.” I glanced at Candy again. Even in her sleep, her face looked troubled. “I know it all sounds stupid,” I told Gina quietly, “and I expect it probably is…but Candy’s completely messed up. I just thought that if I took her to the cottage for a while, she might have a chance of getting off the drugs and getting back to normal again.”
Gina breathed out heavily. “Have you any idea what that
involves?
”
“No—but it’s worth a try, isn’t it?”
She sighed again. “Have you talked to Candy about this?”
“Of course I have.”
“What does she think? Does she think it’s a good idea? Is she serious about getting off heroin?”
“Yeah…”
“Are you sure?”
“Yeah,” I lied, “absolutely…She’s been meaning to do it for ages, but she hasn’t had a chance…not with Iggy and everything. She just needs some time…”
I didn’t like lying to Gina, and I didn’t really know why I was doing it. I hadn’t
meant
to—it’d just come out that way. The strange thing was, though, as we kept talking and I kept lying, Gina began to calm down. She still thought the whole idea was ridiculous, but I sensed in her a
growing realization that—however much she tried to dissuade me—I
was
going to the cottage with Candy, so she might as well accept it. She didn’t actually
say
it like that…but she didn’t have to—I could tell that’s what she was thinking.
“Look,” she said after a while. “Just come on home and we’ll talk about it some more—OK?”
“That’s what I’m doing.”
“Yeah…I know…”
She changed the subject then, telling me that Jason had called that afternoon, demanding to know where I was, which kind of stumped me for a second. It wasn’t that I didn’t know what she was talking about—I hadn’t
forgotten
about The Katies, the rehearsal that night, the planned recording sessions…It was just that all that stuff didn’t seem to have anything to do with me anymore. It belonged to a different life. A different time. A different me.
“What did you tell him?” I asked Gina.
“Nothing,” she said. “What
could
I tell him? He wanted to know your cell phone number—said he’d lost it.”
“Did you give it to him?”
“No…I might have, if he’d asked me nicely. But the way he was talking to me I felt like telling him to piss off. He’s not the nicest person in the world, is he?”
“No,” I agreed.
“Did you want me to give him your number?”
“No, it’s all right…I’ll ring him later. Has Dad called yet?”
“No…”
We talked for a little while longer, then Gina said she had to go and we said our good-byes and hung up.
I looked at Candy, asleep on the seat beside me, and as the train rattled along, racing through the darkness, I wondered what I thought I was doing—taking her to the cottage, taking over her life, taking things for granted…I didn’t blame Gina for thinking it was ridiculous. It
was
ridiculous. The whole thing was riddled with problems—big problems, little problems, awkward problems…problems that scared the hell out of me. I didn’t know if I could deal with it, and I wasn’t even sure I wanted to try.
But
want
didn’t come into it.
Nothing came into it.
It was just
there.
It was going to happen, no matter what. Just like before, when I’d known in my heart that I’d be at The Black Room, no matter what…
It was
there.
As inevitable as night follows day.
It could never be anything else.
Candy was still sleeping when the train began slowing for Heystone station. I gave her a gentle nudge.
“Whuh…?” she said, rubbing her eyes and blearily looking around. “What’s this…where are we?”
“Heystone,” I said, standing up to get her bag off the luggage rack.
She wiped her mouth and blinked her eyes, looking pained and confused. “What’s going on? What time is it…?”
“Come on,” I said, offering a hand. “We’re getting off here.”
As the train juddered to a halt—wheels squealing, air hissing, doors opening—I helped Candy out of her seat,
then hurried her along the corridor, through the door, and onto the platform.
She was still looking dazed as the doors slammed shut and the train creaked and groaned and began pulling away. I ushered her away from the platform edge and led her across to a bench.
“Sit down a minute,” I said.
She sat down, gazing curiously around the station, like a tired and bewildered child.
“Are you all right?” I asked her.
“Yeah…I think so.” She was still looking around the station. “Christ…this brings back some memories. I haven’t been here for years…It hasn’t changed much, has it?”
“No…”
She fumbled in her pocket for a cigarette. Her hands were shaking as she lit it, but her eyes were beginning to clear. “What
are
we doing here, anyway?” she said. “I thought we were going to this cottage.” Her eyes suddenly narrowed. “Hey, if you’re thinking of taking me back to my parents—”
“I’m not.”
“You’d better not be.”
“I’m
not.
”
“Because you’re wasting your time if you are—”
“I’m
not.
How many times do I have to
tell
you? I’m
not
taking you back to your parents. I don’t even know where they live, do I?”
“Yeah, well…” she said, puffing moodily on her cigarette. “What are we doing here, then?”
“We’re just going back to my place to pick up a few bits
and pieces, then we’re coming back here and catching the last train to Lowestoft—OK?”
“Lowestoft?”
“It’s the nearest station to the cottage.”
“Why can’t we go straight there?”
“I need to pick up the key. And I want to see my sister.”
“Your sister?”
“Gina.”
“She’s at your house?”
“Yeah…”
Candy looked at me. “I don’t have to come in with you, do I?”
“It won’t take long.”
“Maybe I’ll just stay here…”
“Why? What’s the matter?”
“Nothing…I just feel a bit funny about…you know…meeting other people.”
“It’s all right—it’s only Gina. You’ll like her.”
“How old is she?”
“Twenty.”
“Will she be on her own?”
“Well, her boyfriend might be there—Mike. But he’s OK. I’ve told them all about you. They both know what’s what.”
“What do you mean?”
“They know about you and Iggy and everything. They both saw you at The Black Room. Mike was the guy who tried to stop them from dragging you away.”
“The big black guy?”
“Yeah.”
“They beat him up…”
“I know.”
“Is he all right?”
“Yeah…he’s fine. Don’t worry about it. It’ll be OK.”
She smiled doubtfully. “You think so?”
“Yeah…no problem. Everything’s cool.”
Her smile brightened. “
Cool?
”
“Yeah,” I grinned, “cool with a capital
K.
Just like me.”
“Capital
F,
more like.”
“You think so?”
“Yeah—but you’re sweet with it, so I’ll forgive you.”
“Thanks very much.”
“You’re welcome.”
It would have been nice to have walked back home, but the last train to Lowestoft was due at ten-thirty and it was already getting on for eight-thirty now, so we didn’t have much time. Luckily, there was a taxi waiting at the rank. And this time I didn’t have any trouble opening the door.
The taxi dropped us off at the end of the avenue. Candy paid again, and we got out.
“Is this your house?” she said, gazing up the driveway.
“Yeah…”
“Very nice.”
I opened the gate and we started up the drive.
“What’s yours like?” I asked her.
“My what?”
“Your house.”
“You saw it this evening…”
“No, I mean where you used to live. Your parents’ house.”
“Oh, right.” She shrugged. “Similar to this, I suppose. Not so old…a bit bigger, maybe…”
Her voice trailed off and I guessed she didn’t want to
talk about it anymore, so we walked on in silence. It felt really odd, being back home—back among the rolling lawns and the pine trees and the well-tended hedges…shrouded in comfort. It felt safe.
It
is
safe,
I thought to myself.
It’s peaceful, it’s quiet, it’s home. It’s where you belong. It’s where you ought to
—
“I can’t stay here,” Candy said.
“What?”
“I can’t stay here.”
“I know,” I said. “We’re not going to stay here.”
We were approaching the front door now. I dug the key out of my pocket and guided Candy into the porchway. She was looking really apprehensive, almost timid, like a shy young girl about to meet her boyfriend’s parents for the very first time.
“All right?” I asked her.
She nodded.
“Don’t worry,” I said. “We’re only going to be about half an hour—OK?”
She nodded again.
I looked at her for a moment—briefly amazed that this beautiful girl was actually
here
…with
me
…at
my
house—then I opened the door and we went inside.
T
o tell you the truth, Candy wasn’t the only one who felt a bit apprehensive. As I led her along the hallway toward the kitchen, following the sound of Gina’s and Mike’s voices, I was feeling pretty nervous myself. I really didn’t know what to expect. I knew that Gina and Mike would be nice to her; I wasn’t worried about that. They were the kind of people who’d be nice to just about anyone I brought home. No, I wasn’t worried about that…I wasn’t
worried
about anything, really. I just wanted them to like her, that’s all. Especially Gina. I really wanted her to genuinely
like
Candy. It was a selfish thing to hope for, I suppose, and probably a bit immature…
But what the hell?
If you can’t be selfish and immature with your big sister, what’s the point in having one?
Anyway, when we reached the kitchen door, I paused for a moment and quietly asked Candy if she was OK.
She nodded.
I said, “Are you ready?”
She nodded again.
I opened the door and we both walked into the kitchen. Gina and Mike were sitting together at the table, deep in conversation. As we came in, they stopped talking and looked up at us.
“Hey,” I said, nodding at them both. “This is Candy.”
Gina smiled at her. “Hello, Candy. I’m Gina and this is Mike.”
“Hi,” Candy replied quietly, nodding her head.
Mike nodded back.
Gina stood up and came over to us. She gave me a quick hug, then shook hands with Candy.
“Nice to meet you,” she said.
“Thanks,” Candy said awkwardly.
Gina stepped back and gave us both a long hard look. “Christ,” she said. “The two of you look like you’ve been through a war.” She reached over and touched the cut on my throat. “What’s this, Joe?”
“Nothing…”
“It doesn’t
look
like nothing.” She turned to Candy. I thought she was going to ask her about my throat, but instead she lifted her hand to Candy’s face and gently cradled her chin. Candy stiffened slightly. “It’s all right,” Gina said softly, angling her head to examine the bruises around Candy’s eye. “When did this happen?”
“Couple of days ago,” Candy replied hesitantly.
“Did you get it checked out?”
Candy looked anxiously at me.
“It’s all right,” I assured her. “Gina’s a nurse—she can’t help asking personal questions.”
“Shut up, Joe,” Gina said, turning her attention to Candy’s
bandaged wrist. “What about this?” She took Candy’s wrist in her hand, holding it carefully, cautiously flexing the joint. “Does that hurt?”
“Just a bit…”
“Who put this dressing on?”
“I did.”
“Pretty good job. It needs changing, though. I don’t suppose you’ve been for an X-ray?”
“No…”
Gina nodded, then stepped back, looking in Candy’s eyes. “Are you OK? I mean, do you need anything? Food…something to drink?”
“No…I’m fine, thanks.”
“When did you last use?”
Candy hesitated again, looking at me.
I looked at Gina.
She said to Candy, “It’s OK, it doesn’t matter, I just wanted to know if you’re all right, that’s all.”
“Yeah…” Candy said warily. “I’m OK. I…uh…I had some stuff before we got on the train.”
“How much more have you got?”
“Enough for tonight.”
“Then what?”
“I don’t know…”
They looked at each other for a while, and I wondered if Gina was being a bit too pushy, confronting the truth a bit too soon. But then I thought,
Maybe that’s the best thing to do…bring it out in the open, confront it, accept it. Maybe that’s what
I
should have done?
“OK,” Gina said, smiling at Candy. “Do you want to freshen up or anything? Use the bathroom?”
Candy nodded. “I wouldn’t mind.”
“Joe’ll show you where it is. If you need anything, my bedroom’s on the top floor. Second door on the right. Just take whatever you want. I’ll come up in a while and rebandage your wrist—all right?”
“Yeah, thanks,” Candy smiled.
“Joe?” Gina said.
“What?”
“The bathroom…?”
“Oh, yeah…right.” I looked at Candy. She was studying Gina with an expression I couldn’t quite place—a mixture of confusion, relief, suspicion, and gratitude. “All right?” I asked her.
She blinked and looked at me. “Uh-huh.”
“OK…it’s this way.”
As I led her upstairs to the bathroom, I felt that the balance had shifted again. There were three of us on the seesaw now—me, Candy, and Gina. It felt good, in a way…sort of comforting, like we weren’t alone anymore, so it wasn’t so scary. But there was something else, too…something about this extra presence that bothered me. I know it sounds childish, but it felt as if someone else was muscling in on our game. It was
our
seesaw, mine and Candy’s, and I didn’t
want
to share it with anyone else…
Sounds
childish?
It
was
childish.
I knew it even then.
What’s the
matter
with you?
I asked myself.
Ten minutes ago you were desperate for Gina to like Candy…and now—now that you know that she
does
like her—what do you do? You start feeling all jealous about it…
“She’s nice, isn’t she?” said Candy.
“What?”
“Your sister—she’s really nice.”
“Yeah…” I said, feeling ashamed of myself. “Yeah, she is.”
“It’s a shame, really…”
“What is?”
“I mean, it’s a shame we have to go. It would have been nice to get to know her a bit better.”
“Well, maybe you can. We don’t
have
to—”
“No, I told you—I can’t stay here.”
“Yeah, I know. But—”
“I
can’t
—all right? It wouldn’t be fair.”
“Why not?”
“Because…it just wouldn’t.” She looked away from me then, anxious to change the subject. “Is this the bathroom?”
“Yeah,” I said, opening the door. “There should be some clean towels in the airing cupboard—”
“Thanks,” she said quickly, stepping inside. “I’ll see you in a minute.”
She shut the door.
I stood there for a moment, wondering why everything had to be so
complicated,
then I went back down to the kitchen.
Gina was standing at the table, packing a bag with tins of food and clothes and stuff, and Mike was sitting there watching her, sipping black coffee from a big white mug.
“I don’t know why I’m doing this,” Gina said, shaking her head. “That girl needs professional help. She needs rehab, counseling, proper medical advice…and what am
I
doing? I’m sending her off into the wilderness with my dumb kid brother, for God’s sake. I must be mad.”
“She can’t afford rehab,” I said, sitting down at the table.
Gina gave me a look. “I
know
that.”
“She won’t go back to her parents, she hasn’t got any friends, and she won’t stay here because she doesn’t want to cause any trouble. Where else
can
she go?”
“I don’t know,” Gina said. “I just don’t like it, that’s all. I mean, what if something happens? What if Dad finds out? What if—”
“Nothing’s going to happen,” I said. “And Dad’s not going to find out.”
“No? What if he phones up? What if he wants to speak to you?”
“I don’t know…tell him I’m asleep or something.”
“What if he rings at six o’clock? If I tell him you’re asleep at six o’clock, he’s going to start asking questions—”
“Tell him I’m out.”
“You’re supposed to be grounded—remember?”
“Tell him I’m in the bath, then. Tell him anything…it doesn’t matter. He probably won’t ring, anyway. He hardly ever does.” I took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “Listen,” I said. “I really appreciate what you’re doing, and I’m sorry it’s all such a mess. I didn’t
mean
things to end up like this…I didn’t
mean
anything…”
Gina sighed. “How on earth did you
find
her?”
“I just…I don’t know. It’s a long story.” I glanced at the clock—it was nearly ten o’clock. “We’ll have to get going soon. We need to catch the last train—”
“You don’t have to go tonight,” Gina said. “Why don’t you both stay here? Get some rest. We can talk about things in the morning—”
“No, I think we’d better get going.”
“Why?”
I looked at her, not knowing what to say. I didn’t
know
why. It made sense to stay here—it was safe and warm and comfortable, and Gina and Mike would be around, so I wouldn’t have to deal with everything myself, and it would probably help Candy to have someone else to talk to…
But she didn’t want that, did she? She didn’t
want
to stay here. And I could hardly force her, could I?
“Look,” said Gina. “If you
really
have to go tonight—although I still don’t see why it’s necessary—but if you have to go, at least let us drive you to the cottage.”
“Thanks…but you don’t have to do that. The train’s fine.”
“It’s no trouble. We don’t
mind
driving you—”
“I know you don’t mind—I just think it’s best if you don’t.”
“But why not? It’s late, it’s cold, the cottage is at least fifteen miles from the station. There won’t be any buses this time of night—”
“We’ll get a taxi.”
“Don’t be
stupid,
Joe. What’s the matter with you? We’re not going to—”
“Let them get the train,” Mike interrupted. “They’ll be all right.”
A flash of annoyance crossed Gina’s face, and I thought for a moment she was going to start yelling at Mike, but then a look passed between them, an intimate exchange of trust, and after a while Gina grudgingly nodded her assent.
Mike said to me, “I’ll drive you to the station. What time’s the train?”
“Ten-thirty.”
He glanced at the clock, then turned to Gina. “You’d
better go and see to Candy. We’ll have to leave in about ten minutes.”
“What about Joe?” Gina said. “He needs to know—”
“I’ll talk to him.”
Gina nodded. She looked at me, started to say something, then changed her mind and quietly walked out. I watched her go, then turned to Mike. His eyes were fixed on mine, calm and cool and steady.
“Thanks,” I said.
“I’m only giving you a lift.”
“I didn’t mean that—”
“I know,” he said, sipping his coffee. He took his time, savoring the taste, then he put down the mug and looked at me again. “So,” he said, “did you have a good day?”
“Not bad,” I smiled. “A bit tiring…”
He nodded slowly, eyeing the cut on my throat. “Looks like you had a close shave there.”
“Yeah, you could say that.”
“Do you want to talk about it?”
“Not really…maybe some other time.”
“OK,” he said, “that’s fair enough.” He took another sip of his coffee. “Two things, though—two simple questions.”
“I don’t think—”
“Listen, Joe,” he said. “Whatever you do with your life is your business, and I’m happy to leave it at that. But if you’ve done something that might affect Gina or me, that’s my business—OK?”
I nodded.
“Right,” he said. “First question—is Iggy still alive?”
“Yeah.”
“And, second question, does he know who you are?”
“What do you mean?”
“Does he know your
name
?”
“I don’t know…I don’t think so…”
“Well, think about it. It’s important. If he knows your name, he can find out where you live.”
I thought about it, trying to remember if he’d ever called me by name. It was hard to think, though…hard to see through the clouds of fear. “I’m pretty sure he
doesn’t
know it,” I told Mike. “I’ve only met him twice, so I don’t see how he
could
know…unless Candy’s told him. I’m sure she wouldn’t have, though.”
“You need to find out before you go.”
“I’ll ask her.”
“OK,” he said, glancing at his watch. “There’s just one more thing before you leave. Gina thinks you ought to know what to expect if Candy is serious about giving up heroin. Personally, I’m not sure that knowing what to expect will make any difference, but I don’t suppose it’ll do any harm. Do you think she
is
serious?”
“I’m not sure.”
“Has she ever tried giving it up before?”
“I don’t know.”
“OK. Well, basically, for what it’s worth, if she does try packing it in, she’s going to feel terrible—I mean,
really
terrible. She’ll think she’s dying. She’ll think she’s going mad. She’ll be irritable and depressed, sleepless, sick, she’ll hurt all over—stomach cramps, muscle pains, diarrhea, fever—she’ll shout at you, she’ll hate you, she’ll lie to you, she’ll probably get violent with you…” He looked at me. “Do you think you’re ready for all that?”
“I don’t know…”
“But you’re willing to give it a try?”
“Yeah, I think so.”
He smiled. “She must mean a lot to you.”
“Yeah…she does.”
“OK,” he said, “but just remember one thing—whatever feelings she has for you, they won’t be as strong as the feelings she has for heroin. If you want to help her, you might have to lose her.”
At the time, I didn’t know what he meant, but I found out later that he was right. Maybe not in the way he intended, but I don’t suppose that matters. He was right, intentionally or not…
He was right.
Five minutes later we were all in Mike’s car, heading for the station. Gina had cleaned up Candy’s face and put a fresh bandage on her wrist, and now she was telling us what she’d packed in the bag.
“There’s plenty of tinned food, fresh fruit, orange juice, bread…bandages, aspirin, face cream, toothpaste…I don’t think I’ve forgotten anything. Did you pick up the key to the cottage, Joe?”
“Yeah.”
“Do you remember where everything is? The fuse box, spare lightbulbs, sheets, blankets—”
“Don’t worry,” I said. “We’ll be all right. If we need anything, I’ll phone you.”
“I put your phone charger in the bag.”
“Thanks.”
We were approaching the station now. Mike glanced at me in the rearview mirror, flicking his eyes at Candy. I didn’t
know what he was doing for a moment, then he mouthed the word “name” at me, and I suddenly remembered.