Captivated by Your Love (The Blue Heart Series Book 2) (18 page)

I lay in the warmth of my bed at Damien and Sydney’s house while Sydney stroked my hair and handed me tissue after countless tissue. Damien sat with us on the edge of the bed his shoulders wound tight, far from relaxed, but he was there for support and I really appreciated it. Neither one of them needed to be up this hour of night with me since they both had jobs and a young baby to attend to. But here they were, giving their ever loving support.

They were both livid with Justice, wanting to go over to his house, kick his ass first and then talk some sense into him. I had to stop them from going. Damien teetered on the edge of the bed like he wanted to push off and stalk over there. What I needed at the moment was both of them by my side. I had gotten back to their house; my house now, a few hours ago and I’d been a sobbing mess since I arrived. I sucked in a breath and whimpered. My entire body hurt, but mostly my heart. It felt like someone had taken a million needles and poked every inch of me with heavy concentration on my heart. I was completely torn up, my spirit shattered all over the floor along with my dreams of being a loving wife. My eyes were almost swollen shut from all of the tears I had cried and I could still feel my upper lip quiver. I inhaled another breath trying to calm myself but it was no good. I just felt so cold and empty inside, like someone had sucker punched me in the gut and all the air had escaped my lungs. But most of all I felt lonely. I was so used to being around Justice, we had been inseparable. I missed the warmth of his breath against my neck, his huge hand enveloping mine, and the way his lips melted into mine. But most of all I missed him as a person. I missed our fighting, believe it or not. The making up was what I most looked forward to. I was just as firm in my ways as he was his, so we were a lethal combination.

“Honey, just relax,” Sydney said to me, her tone soft like velvet. It settled over my body caressing me. I tried taking another cleansing breath but I felt like my lungs were burning deep in my chest. I just couldn’t get over the pain I was experiencing. I had never had a guy hurt me so badly. I was supposed to be his wife and he just disposed of me like he was taking out the trash. How could this be real? Was he ever really in love with me or was I just a possession? He had told me I was his, like he owned me, which was something that never settled well with me and I fought him tooth and nail to let him know that wasn’t the case at all. I was my own person. Sure I had been his girlfriend then wife, but I was still Bee Burkhart. I stood my ground because that is how my parents had raised me. I wouldn’t say I was a feminist, but I certainly didn’t take shit from anyone. Justice had a lot of shit to dish out but I dished it back. I think that was what made us the crazy in love couple that we were.

Of course I knew that everything happened so fast and we hadn’t discussed important issues that we should of, like kids. But I felt like we were close enough and crazy enough about one another that we could work through any differences if we had any and be a solid unit. But then I remembered that I had married the world’s bossiest man that acted like a child himself sometimes. How ironic. There were moments when he was just that, a giant child. I should have known that this would be a problem since he always had to get his way. Usually I would relent or make him see things my way, but this was a fucking huge life-changing decision and I wasn’t going to budge. Men. Not that it was up for discussion any longer since I had told him we were over. But I knew in my heart that if he told me it was a mistake and that he would see things my way that a part of me would relent. I had said harsh words to him because I was so upset at the time but I knew if he tried that I wouldn’t be able to let him go. At least I don’t think I could. I guessed only time would tell. Now I was probably headed for divorce, at least that is what I felt was the best decision at the moment. This was a huge difference between us and one that wasn’t easily worked out. My heart crushed against my body just thinking about it. I brought my eyes to the ring he had given to me when we took our vows. I didn’t know if I should slide it off my finger or leave it in place. He had destroyed me.

I felt Sydney stroke my hair and I tried closing my eyes. My mind wandered to what he must be doing in this moment. Could he sleep? Was he thinking about me? Was he going to try and win me back? Did he ever really love me? When I spoke the words I love you I meant them. I didn’t throw the term around loosely. I hoped like hell that he didn’t either. My stomach sank and I felt like I could throw up.

I started thinking about the root of the problem, and then my eyes flashed open or as open as I could get them since they were almost swollen shut. I could actually be pregnant already and he would get his way. We hadn’t used protection at all. I thought about how he felt inside of me and although I was sad, I felt my body quiver. I started doing the math in my head to see if I was ovulating and sure enough today was the first day I would’ve been. Knowing my luck I got pregnant tonight. It wasn’t something I wanted right now but I wouldn’t turn my back on it either. I exhaled a deep sigh and thought long and hard about it. No, I wasn’t ready for a baby right now but I did love kids. I would never get an abortion.

“I’m going over to his house to have a talk with him,” Damien said as he stood up.

“No, Damien. Let him be. He’s set in his ways and there is no reasoning with him. He’s a spoiled grown child,” I told him, my eyes rising up to meet his. I saw understanding in them but also determination. I was afraid that if he went over there that he would end up getting in a fight with him and someone would get hurt. Damien and I were close and he looked after me. When I married Justice I felt like I had gained a brother in him. He was such a good guy, despite his sordid past, and Sydney was lucky to have him in her life.

“But, Bee, he totally fucked you over and I just can’t allow that.” I appreciated his concern but I didn’t need anyone to fight my battles for me. I could handle Justice on my own. And he would be handled soon enough when he was served with divorce papers. My eyes flooded with tears as they cascaded down my face. Whimpering, I sobbed a sound that was so ungraceful to my ears. It was an ugly cry, I just couldn’t help myself. I tried taking more calming breaths but it was no use. I was a blubbering hot mess.

“Shh, babe, I’ve got you. Just let Damien go over there and talk to him,” Sydney said, trying to sooth me. She was such an amazing friend. We had always been close but since I had been here in Vegas and she had Lucy we’d grown even closer. I couldn’t ask for a better best friend. She didn’t even think twice when I rang the doorbell tonight. She instantly had me in her arms, wiping away my tears and trying to comfort me. Damien was there in a heartbeat providing me his support as well. Another tear leaked out of my eye.

I took another breath, sucking more air into my lungs, trying to calm myself in order to pass words from my lips to two of the most amazing people I could ask for right now. “Damien, it’s no use. Just let it go,” I said, my voice shaky and uneven.

I thought I grounded Justice, but I guess not. He dished it out and I never took his shit which is why we argued all the time. Maybe he wanted some compliant woman in his life that did everything he said someone to submit to his needs and ideas. I couldn’t imagine that it would make for a good relationship, but you never know.

“I can’t thank you two enough for your support right now. It means everything to me.” Curling up into a ball, I tried to imagine that it was Justice who was stroking my hair and that he was curled up behind me. My eyes fell shut; my breathing slowed as I took even breaths and my heart settled in my chest as Sydney’s soft words settled over me and lulled me to sleep.

Waking up the next morning, I rolled over in my bed under my down comforter, trying to open my swollen eyes to look at the clock. Finally getting them open I noticed it was still pretty early in the morning and that I had only slept for a few hours. Glancing to the other side of the bed that I thought was empty I saw Sydney. She had left her fiancé’s bed to stay with me last night. It really warmed my heart. She looked so peaceful; her lips slightly parted, her breath coming out steadily from her lungs. I was happy that she was here with me and appreciated it, but the person I really wanted lying beside me was long gone. I had to wonder if he was up half the night thinking of me the way that I had, I emptied my tears all over the bedroom. He seemed so certain that we were so different. It was so out of the blue. I had to wonder if he even cared about me at all. He said he loved me but who does that to the person they love? A lone tear tracked down my cheek as my heart beat slowly in my chest. I took in a cleansing breath trying to avoid another crying meltdown, but it was useless. I knew that I was going to be no good to anyone today but I needed to try. I got up and went to go shower. I could still smell Justice on me and if I was going to get him out of my system I needed to get his scent off of my body as well.

Going through the motions, I showered and then dressed into comfortable clothing. I needed to feel warm and cozy to help me endure the day I knew that was ahead of me. Later on I would change when it was time to see a lawyer. I was just waiting for the time to call and set up an appointment. Being new to Vegas, I would have to search the net to see if I could find one. I walked back into my room and Syd was up with baby Lucy in her arms, breast feeding her. I looked at the sight, her daughter suckling from her breast, and I felt a longing uncurl from my chest. I wanted that as well. I just didn’t want that right now.

“Hey, how are you feeling?” Sydney asked me.

“I’ve been better.” I didn’t think I’d hurt this badly when all of the shit went down with Jensen and I’d lost the baby. The pain I was experiencing now was ten times worse. I took a shaky breath into my lungs, trying to calm my frazzled nerves. “He gutted me, Syd, completely gutted me.”

“I know, sweetie. He’s an asshole.” Yes, she was saying what I thought I wanted to hear or maybe I needed to hear; she was trying to be the best friend she knew how to be and she was every bit of one. “Wait till I get a hold of him. He isn’t going to know what hit him,” she said with force and her eyes had a hard edge to them.

“I know.” My voice sounded unsure. “It’s just I think everyone needs to let it go. I obviously wasn’t the right choice for him. He needs someone that can give him what I can’t right now.” Or could I? I thought again about how I could be pregnant. I would tuck away that thought for now. I didn’t need Sydney all up in arms over me potentially being pregnant. Sure it would solve Justice and my problems. He would get what he wanted and I was sure I would eventually be happy. But things were just too traumatic for me right now. I needed to focus on getting a divorce and Justice out of my life. I brought my hand to my nose and tapped on it lightly. If I were pregnant would I need to get a divorce? That thought bounced around in my head. I knew what I needed to do but I just didn’t know if I could. I guess time would tell but for now I was ending things once and for all.

“Sorry, sister, but I’m gonna say something. He fucks with my best friend then he fucks with me.” I loved Sydney’s loyal spirit.

“Thanks.” There would be no arguing with her right now. She was pissed.

“So what are you going to do now?” she asked me.

“I’m going to do the only thing I know to do.”

“What’s that, babe?” she asked me, her eyes probing with curiosity.

“I—” I tried saying what I had planned to do. I sucked in another breath, trying to avoid the tears that were ready to fall from my eyes. “I’m—” But I couldn’t get the words to form a sentence on my lips. I just knew what had to be done.

I couldn’t remove my tired eyes from the document that was resting in my hands. I brought my eyes down to it and read over the one simple word again and it completely rocked me, gutted me. Divorce. She had filed for divorce. My belly tightened under my muscles and I tried to rotate my neck to get the kink out of it. This was really playing havoc on me; my body felt like it was going to break into tiny little pieces because I didn’t feel whole or complete. She had been my world, my everything.

I had been staring at this damn piece of paper for a while now. It had stunned me and wrapped around my heart like a vice grip. She had gone and done it without talking to me first. But when we ended things a week ago I hadn’t given her any indication that I still wanted to be married to her. I had been so fucked up in the head and a complete asshole. Then to make matters worse, I hadn’t bothered to place a call or send her a text. Hell, I needed to get off my ass and go see her because that was the right thing to do. But now all was lost. She was a firecracker and stuck in her ways just as much as I was, so I didn’t know how I was going to possibly get her back in my life. This situation was beyond me, I looked up and sent a silent prayer to God and prayed that he would help see me through this situation. I gathered a deep breath into my lungs trying to calm my unsteady nerves. They were frazzled to say the least. I had really fucked this up big time.

The night she left I didn’t sleep a wink. I stayed up debating on whether I should chase after her. In the end I decided that she was too mad and I didn’t want to fight. I should have gone to her. I was a complete mess. Lifting my hand to the back of my neck I rubbed it tenderly to try to ease some of the corded tension I felt there. It was no use. Maybe I should go talk to my parents and see if they could give me some advice. Shit. I sucked in a panicked breath. My ma would fucking kill me. Thank the heavens that she didn’t know about any of this yet. I had a feeling that I would receive more than a whack on the head, more like a beating.

Fortunately, her parent’s still didn’t know we were married. She had been trying to work up the courage to contact them. I was sure her parents would be livid with me as well, especially knowing everything we had been through with the loss of the baby.

I really was being completely unreasonable. She had just lost a baby, our baby, and here I was trying to knock her up again. Yes, I really wanted a family and I wanted to start now. But I needed to be patient with her and handle her with kid gloves. I needed to understand that I couldn’t always get my way and that compromising was what married couples did. Yes, I wrapped my brain around that thought. Compromise.

“Fuck!”

I didn’t know what I was going to do. I didn’t want a divorce. I wanted my wife back. There was a lonely place in my heart, in my soul, that craved her daily. She had become a part of me even though we had only been married for a short time. Yes, we should have talked about children, but it wasn’t the end of the world. So she wanted to wait a while and just enjoy one another. That would mean more fucking for me. I brought my eyes down to my cock; he was just as broken as the rest of me. I couldn’t get hard if I tried.

I had tried to eat on several occasions throughout the week but every time I brought a piece of food to my lips, my stomach rolled violently and I felt like I could throw up. I had basically been living off of water, beer, and soda. I knew none of it was good for me but I couldn’t help it. I was a complete hot mess. Thankfully the beer would help to numb the pain in my chest but it didn’t lull me to sleep like I had hoped it would. I barely slept a wink. I would lie my head down on my pillow at night, my blankets raised to my chin and then I would start thinking of her tender ways, her warm supple body pressed against my flesh, fitting perfectly into the crook of my body as I spooned her. I would lie awake for hours. I refused to clean my sheets because, although it was faint now, I could still smell her. I often found myself bringing my pillow to my nose and inhaling deeply just to see if I could capture more of her. She always smelled heavenly, clean with a mixture of soap and her signature perfume. I looked down at my cock again to see if thoughts of her would make him hard but it hadn’t worked. Yup, I was completely broken, spread out on the floor into tiny pieces. I wanted her home with me as my wife. I refused to sign these damn divorce papers. I dropped the papers on the counter and squeezed my eyes shut.

After a silent pause and a moment to try and get my head back together, I needed to make a plan of attack on how I was going to win her back, and then I thought of my family. I really needed their support right now. But they were upset with me too, all four of them. Word got out to them, I’m guessing because of Damien, and they were so pissed they wouldn’t have anything to do with me. Usually Destiny would always talk to me; I was close to my little sister. She might give me a tongue lashing but she had never stopped talking to me before. It was all very strange and my tattered heart was even more in shambles with the loss of my family. I had tried calling them but they wouldn’t pick up their phones. I sent texts but didn’t get a reply. Reaching down, I grabbed my phone out of my denim-clad pocket and brought my fingers to the screen and swiped it. It opened and I had to inhale a breath. No new messages. I stared at a blank screen. There was nothing. I was so lonely.

I was a bitch to be around on my first day back at work. After explaining everything, my partner and best friend, Grey, had read me the riot act. He was like me in so many ways and didn’t take lightly to my situation. He was pissed at me as well but he couldn’t do anything about it since we were stuck together in a cop car.

I heaved out a breath again, trying to clear my head and hopefully get this mess in order. I needed to sort my shit out and get Abbee back. If she would have me. If the divorce papers were any indication, I knew I was in for an uphill battle. I had to believe in love conquers all. I know that sounds cliché but that was the only hope I had. I loved her something fierce.

I heard a knock at my door and padded my way from the kitchen through my mess of a living room to answer it. I was always so tidy with everything in my life but I hadn’t bothered to pick up anything. I made a quick glance at my coffee table to see it was littered with beer cans and sidestepped a few pairs of shoes and socks. Fuck, I needed to get it together. My life was falling apart.

When I got to the door I didn’t bother looking through the peephole. It could have been any random stranger but at this point I just said fuck it. What I hoped was that it was my wife. She could come over to fight with me, I didn’t care I just wanted to be near her, to hold her in my arms. I wanted her back. I opened and complete shock washed over my finely tuned features and a small smile crept up my lips. “What are you guys doing here?”

“We came to set you straight.” Damien walked through my door, his head held high like he wasn’t going to take any of my shit. Reeve, Sebastian, and Destiny all trailed behind him, marching straight to the kitchen. “This place is a fucking mess,” Damien said as he passed me. I just stood there, my feet placed firmly on the ground with my head hung low.

I heard the refrigerator door open and shut. Guess they were treating themselves to some beer. I was lonely but I really wasn’t in the mood for their bullshit tonight. I know I fucked up. If they hadn’t shown up I was going to drive my ass to see Abbee and fix this mess.

“So what’s up?” I walked with purpose into the kitchen and my confidence in hand. I wasn’t in the mood to be messed with tonight. I felt my muscles tighten and my mouth formed a hard line.

“What’s this shit about telling Bee that it wouldn’t work if she didn’t want to have a baby with you immediately?” Damien said to me and then stepped toward me. I glanced over to my kitchen table and found Sebastian and Destiny sitting there, their eyes focused on me while Reeve and Damien stood in front of me. None of them had a beer in their hand, which was odd.

“Now that you have gotten rid of her maybe she’ll consider going out with me,” Reeve said, and then his lips turned up into a grin and I saw pure fucking red. Biting my bottom lip I felt all of my muscles tighten and the hair rose on the back of my neck. I reared back and then punched him square in the jaw.

I closed my eyes trying to calm myself while I sucked down huge gulps of air, my blood pumping wildly. “What the fuck, Reeve. I can’t believe you just said that shit,” I told him.

Damien immediately placed himself between us while Reeve held his head in his hands. I had clocked him pretty good. I knew he had a thing for Abbee. It was obvious by the way he was always looking at her or his off colored comments. I should have never allowed him to have a threesome with us. Putting my foot down that night would have been that right answer, but that was what Abbee had wanted and I was drunk and out of my head so I relented.

“What the hell, Justice? I can’t believe you hit your brother. You boys need to get your shit together. And I mean now.” Destiny was suddenly up and in my face. If her rosy cheeks were any indication, she was pissed.

“Not cool,” Sebastian chimed in. We were now all standing in a circle.

“Damn, Justice, you punch like a girl,” Reeve said, and the mother fucker had the nerve to smirk at me. I lost my shit again and reared back, but before I could throw my fist against his face again, Sebastian, who was standing closest to me, had me in a tight hold.

“Just chill the fuck out, dude. Let’s go take a walk.” Sebastian wasn’t as big as me but he held me tight to his body and wasn’t letting go.

I was livid and at the moment all I wanted to do was beat the shit out of my brother. What he said to me wasn’t cool at all. I would never have done that to him. There is a code amongst friends and family that you just don’t fuck with their girlfriend, wife or ex. It wasn’t cool. It was clear he didn’t have any respect for me.

Reeve and I had gotten along so well up until the threesome. We often hung out and we were tight. But this shit had really fucked us up. I didn’t know if I was ever going to be able to get over it. Now that I knew his true intentions, I really had to examine the situation. Yes, I wanted Abbee to be my wife, but could I move past this uncalled for situation with Reeve?

Sebastian started nudging me to walk and I let him lead me into the family room. I took a breath trying to calm myself, but I was pretty worked up and I didn’t feel like it had helped.

“Jesus, Justice. I can’t believe you hit Reeve. You know he was only kidding.” I would have liked to believe he was only kidding but I just couldn’t. He was always trying to get under my skin when it came to Abbee. I felt him loosen his hold he had around my mid-section and then he finally let me go. I turned to face him.

“What he said was bullshit. Brother’s don’t do that.” He needed to be taught a lesson I was glad I had punched him. I could still feel the roar of my blood pumping through my body.

“I realize that and agree it was fucked up. But you didn’t have to hit him.” Maybe he was right about me not hitting him; he was my brother after all.

“Well, he set me off and I fucking lost it.” I was still pissed and if he would say it to me again I wouldn’t think twice about punching him.

“Dude, you need to get your shit together.” He paused and cast his eyes down to the ground and then brought them back up to me. He stared deeply into my eyes. “You fucked up.”

I ran my hand through my hair. Fuck, my hand was hurting now. I had really laid a hell of a punch on him. I brought it down in front of me and examined it. “Yeah, I know. I don’t know how to get her back.” And I didn’t. I was going to go to her and grovel. That was the only thing I knew to do.

“You need to go to her and tell her you are sorry and beg for her forgiveness. I get that you want to have children with her immediately. If I had a woman I was in love with I’m sure I would want the same thing.” He waited a moment, casting his eyes down to the floor and then back up to me. “But she has been through a lot lately and she isn’t ready. Just because you don’t get your way doesn’t mean that you have to discard her. Marriage is about compromises. You have to learn to work with each other’s needs.”

His words sunk into my brain and seeped through my soul. “Damn, little brother, how did you get so smart?”

He brought his finger to his head and tapped on it. “It’s all right here. I pay attention. Don’t think that just because I don’t have a girlfriend that I don’t know what I’m talking about.”

“I agree.” He was totally on his game. I had been with tons of women and thought I had always done things right, but Sebastian clearly had his shit together. He was going to make the right woman very happy.

“So here’s what you are going to do...” He stilled for a moment and licked his lips. “You are going to go to Abbee and beg for her forgiveness. You are going to tell her you fucked up and that you will do anything she tells you to do.”

My thoughts flashed to the divorce papers I had just received and my stomach sank. “She filed for a divorce.”

“I know. Damien told me. But you can’t let her go, Justice. Although I think you two are crazy most of the time, I can’t think of a girl who is more right for you.” I couldn’t agree more. And we were certainly crazy. We fought all the time but when it was good it was really good. Most of the time I enjoyed our banter; it made my dick hard. She was perfect for me. Now if I could just get her back. I needed her like I needed the last breath of air I just sucked into my lungs. She was everything to me. “Go win her back.”

“I will,” I said to him, my voice filled with confidence for the first time in a week and my heart spilling with love for my beautiful wife. I just hoped like hell she would have me. If she didn’t, I was going to be in my own personal hell.