“You can be sure, Jackie,” he added quietly, “that I will tell her to think twice before she says yes. For me, once that commitment's made, there's no lookin' back.”
“I know, Daddy.” I gave a little nod. We sat in silence for a moment as I gathered courage to ask my other burning question. “Um, what about, you know . . . all that she did?” I could feel myself blushing. “I mean, when you found out, you were so mad.”
Daddy cleared his throat, clearly uncomfortable with the topic. “I told you I forgave her long ago. I can't hold against her what God has forgiven.”
“I know, but . . . well, forgivin's one thing; forgettin's another.” I could only imagine how I'd feel if Greg admitted he'd slept with lots of girls.
“Jackie,” he said firmly, “this is something between Katherine and me. It's not anything you and I need to discuss.”
Not for months would I know how hard the issue had been for Daddy. How he'd lain in bed at night, begging God to ease his mind from the visions it conjured of Katherine's past. How Katherine and he had argued about trivial things, his hurt and her defensiveness from the real, underlying issue spilling over into pettiness.
At that moment, I simply looked at my lap, ashamed that I'd even brought up the subject. Finally, I pushed from Mama's bed to walk over and give Daddy a congratulatory hug. “When are you goin' to ask her?”
The next evening, Saturday, Daddy dressed in a suit and tie and took Katherine to Clayton's Place. I stayed up after Clarissa and Robert had gone to bed, waiting for him to get in. I wrote Greg a long e-mail, spilling thoughts that I could not share with Daddy. Feeling the whole time Mama's eyes on me from her picture on the mantel. What would we do with that family photo if Daddy got married? Replace it with a new one taken with Katherine? The thought made me sick to my stomach.
After switching off the computer, I wandered listlessly about the house, staring at Greg's picture, looking through the LuvRush notebook, listening to his CD. I felt as though I stood in the threshold between past and future, buffeted by winds on either side. Knowing I had to go forward, that the coming days could hold new promise for our family, while wishing with all my might that I could just fall back.
Time ticked by. I waited and waited, my anxiety turning to worry. Then fear. By midnight I could hardly stand another minute.
What
was happening? My mind ran rampant, imagining scenario after scenario, ranging from a car accident to a bitter fight to the more sordid of events. Whatever the circumstance, Katherine was surely to blame.
Daddy finally arrived just before 1:00 A.M. I heard the garage door go up, and a cold relief gushed through me. Then immediately I nearly shook with anger. How could he have done this to me? Kept me up, worrying about him half the night? I hustled to the hall between kitchen and garage like some irate parent, waiting for him, my arms folded and heart beating double time.
“Whoa!” Daddy slapped a hand to his chest when he came through the door. “You nearly scared me to death.”
“Why are you so late?” I demanded.
He let his hand fall, slid it into his jacket pocket. “I . . . we had a lot of talkin' to do.”
“Talkin' where? Nothin' stays open in Albertsville this long, certainly not Clayton's Place! Where were you, in a parked car?”
“Jackie.” Daddy would have laughed were it not for the fury rising from my shoulders. “What is this?”
“It's one o'clock in the morning, that's what!” Indignant tears sprang to my eyes.
His forehead lined. “I'm sorry. I didn't think you'd worry. I figured you'd be asleep long ago.”
“Well, you figured wrong.” I tried to say more, but all my fears about Katherine whirled through me with a vengeance. Suddenly I wondered how any of this would ever work out. I swung away from Daddy, throat aching.
“Oh, honey.” He caught me by the shoulder and turned me around. “I really am sorry. I should have thought of you.”
Yes, he should have thought of me,
I raged silently. And of Mama. He never, ever should have started dating Katherine in the first place.
He searched my face. “Are you all right?”
Who was he kidding? I could not imagine ever being all right again. It hit me thenâDaddy's expression showed no sign of grief. In fact, he'd probably be beaming were it not for my ungracious welcome. Which could only mean that Katherine had accepted his proposal. Daddy was going to marry her, bring her into this house. And I'd promised to support that decision. He'd found his love as I'd found mine, and I could not stand against him now, knowing all too well the grief it would cause. Still, the difference in the two relationships could have glared from a mountaintopâGreg did not replace Mama. Katherine would.
“Whâwhat did she say?” I whispered, trembling for the answer, not wanting to know.
“She said yes.” His face creased into an irrepressible smile.
My head nodded in funny little jerks. I could not believe this moment in our lives had arrived. “I'm so glad.”
His smile shrank, lacing with sadness. He pulled me close to his chest and hugged me, one hand patting my back. “Everything's goin' to be all right, you know.”
My breath sucked in raggedly. “I râreally am happy for you.”
“I know you are, Jackie.”
“Really.”
“I know.”
Clutching his jacket, I burst into sobs.
A
fter Pastor Beekins' sermon the following day, Daddy stood and asked if he could take the pulpit for an announcement. Pastor graciously moved aside as Daddy mounted the two creaky steps, every eye in the sanctuary upon him. From the whispers that fluttered toward the rooftop, I knew folks suspected what he had to say. He'd told Robert and Clarissa that morning. Robert had taken the news stoically, shaking Daddy's hand. “Congratulations,” he said solemnly, then burst into a grin. Clarissa had turned somersaults.
Daddy had also made sure to call both sets of grandparents. I heard Grandma Westerdahl sniffle as he reached the pulpit.
“Well.” Daddy put his hands on the worn wood and shuffled his feet, suddenly self-conscious. “I stand here today to tell y'all two things, and I'll be brief. First, I want to thank everyone from the bottom of my heart for all the help and prayers you've given me and my family since Melissa's death. You know how much we've needed it. Second. Well, second is this.” He looked at Katherine's radiant face. “Katherine May King has agreed to become my wife.”
The room erupted into a standing ovation. I pasted a smile on my face. “Glory to God!” Mrs. B cried, and Mr. Matthews shouted, “Hallelujah!” Mr. Luther stomped both feet, then began joyously handing out Tootsie Rolls.
It took us a good half hour to work our way through well-wishers after the announcement. Every one of us exchanged “welcome-to-the-family” hugs with Derek and Katherine's parents. I stood on tiptoe and put a perfunctory arm around Derek's neck, but he held on to me briefly. “How are you?” he asked quietly in my ear.
I pulled away, not able to meet his eyes. “Fine.”
Our families planned to meet for Sunday lunch at our house the following week. Grandma and Grandpa Delham would come, too. Mama's parents politely declined the invitation.
All that week in our e-mails and phone calls, Greg encouraged me to tell him how I felt. Which was hard to do at times, because I couldn't quite sort through my emotions myself.
Jackie,
he wrote on Thursday,
you do not know my mamma, I know. The situations are very different. But think about her second marriage. How happy it is. And it causes me to be born!! Your family has much happy times ahead. I know it is hard for you. Do not think you should not be sad for you while you are happy for your baba. You can be both things. So let this be. And soon the sad will be less, and the happy will be more.
When the Kings came to lunch on Sunday, I shut my bedroom door. I didn't want Derek peeking in on his way to the bathroom and seeing Greg's picture on my wall.
Full of talk about the December wedding, Katherine, her mama, and Grandma shooed me out of the kitchen, saying they'd do dishes. I gladly left them to the mess and their chatter. Derek perched at the computer, giving Robert secrets about playing some new space warrior game, his long arm moving this way and that as he pointed at the screen. He glanced up as I walked by. “Hey. Where ya goin'?”
“I don't know. To my room, I guess.”
“Oh.” I could see him gathering his courage. “Why don't we go talk somewhere?”
I smiled tightly. “Okay.”
No way would I take him to my room. Daddy would frown upon that anyway. The men still sat around the table in the dining room. Nothing left to do but pull some lawn chairs into the backyard shade. We stepped out of the air-conditioned house to a stifling hot afternoon. “Whew,” I muttered. Winnie sprawled across the grass under a tree, panting furiously. Derek and I settled in the shaded far corner of the lot, our chairs side by side, out of sight from the cleanup crew. My faithful canine dragged herself over to lie beside me. She was too hot even to nose my arm for a pat.
At first neither Derek nor I could think of anything to say. Finally he broke the silence. “We're all goin' to be in the wedding, I hear. Including Robert and Clarissa.”
“Mm-hm. I'm maid of honor. You're best man, so that makes you my escort.”
Must have been the tone of my voice. Derek hesitated before saying, “You're not completely happy about this, are you.”
“About you bein' my escort?”
I didn't fool him one bit. To his credit, Derek wouldn't let me be. “No, Jackie. About the marriage.”
I could have denied it, could have maintained a stoic face, but Derek's voice was so full of concern. I could almost say he sounded tender, if I'd ever applied that word to Derek. So I told him exactly how I felt. I felt happy for Daddy. I felt miserable. Like I'd now been pushed over that threshold, the door slammed behind me, shutting off the past forever. Derek listened patiently until my words ran out.
He lifted his heels off the grass, jiggling one leg. Crossed his arms. “I wish I could do somethin' to make you feel better.”
I glanced at him, surprised once more at the tone in his voice. “You make me feel better just by listenin'. Thank you.”
“Thank
you,”
he replied, “for trustin' me enough to talk.”
“I've always trusted you, Derek.”
“No, you haven't. You used to think I was a total dork.”
A little snort escaped me. “What makes you think I still don't?” I teased.
He turned to look at me intently. “Because I'm not.”
Was he talking about his matching socks? His new posture? Okay, so he stood completely straight now. Still, in so many ways, Derek would always be Derek. And then it hit me. Sitting there sweating in the shade, Greg's ring around my neck, Winnie huffing at my sideâthat's when I first realized who the real Derek was. The Derek I'd come to know had proven kind, considerate, ever-giving. Not even half bad looking. I had to admit his eyes were big and warm enough to swim in.
I laid my hand on his arm. “I know that, Derek. I think you're great for all the things you've done for me. I'm glad we're goin' to be connected by family.”
He smiled almost sadly, focusing on my hand. I took it away, and his eyes rose to my face. We gazed at each other for a moment, something passing between us. Words seemed to shimmer on his tongue, begging to be spoken. Suddenly, then, he glanced away with a sigh. He made a point of wiping his forehead. “Sure is hot out here.”
Derek had broken the spell, and I would not think of it again for some time. Now this and other memories are precious to me, in ways I never dreamed they would be.
But for that last weekâbefore the lives of our families began to spin out of controlâI had other things to think about. Daddy was marrying Katherine, and I had to get used to the idea.
And in just six days, I would see Greg.
K
atherine had taken Saturday off. We planned to leave for Lexington before 7:30 A.M., which would put us there by noon. Katherine wanted to “show me the sights of the city,” and go shopping before the concert, she'd said. We would stay in a hotel and return Sunday, the drive over dark country roads being far too long and unsafe to undertake after the concert. As excited as I wasâalmost beside myself, reallyâKatherine's eagerness ran a close second. All that week she'd come to our house after work, bubbling about two thingsâthe wedding and our trip. Monday evening she and Daddy had gone together to Albertsville to choose a diamond solitaire, which she now sported elegantly on her left hand. Amid all the flurry and my own mounting elation at seeing Greg, my sullenness over their coming marriage began to ebb. How could it not? As each day ended, pulling me closer to Greg, I found little time for anything but trembling anticipation.
Greg and I e-mailed each other two to three times a dayâwhenever he could find a telephone plug, he told me. And he often called on his cell phone from their bus. He'd mailed me the tickets and backstage passes, giving me explicit instructions on how to see him briefly before the concert. Thanks to Daddy's insistence that Katherine and I stay overnight for safety, Greg and I would have a chance to be together afterward. I could have kissed Daddy for that.
Daddy sat Katherine and me down in the family room on Friday night for “a little talk.”
“Now I'm not worried about the concert,” he said, “you all just have fun. Although how you can listen to music that loud is beyond me.” Katherine and I exchanged an amused glance. “I'm mostly concerned about after the concert. I know you're goin' to spend some time with Greg, and I've told you that's okay. My concern is where that's goin' to happen. And I want you adequately chaperoned.”