His voice is low and sexy even though he is not trying for that. He knows it’s me calling, “Stella?”
I try for cool and non-chalant. I don’t think I achieve it. “Hey. I…um…just got a call. Well it actually was a voicemail that was left on my phone. It was for you. I called them back and pretended to be your assistant. It’s for commercial work and I thought they would think you were more professional with an assistant. I’m sure you have a new assistant already and I just told the girl that I talked to that I would get you the message. She doesn’t want you to call her. She wants you to call her boss. She got my name from another client who thought we were married or I was your girlfriend. That was when I told her I was just your assistant. So I thought I would call you, give you the heads up and the information if you are interested in it or I can just text it to you. It sounds busy and loud wherever you are…so do you want that now or, I mean do you have a pen, probably not. I shoulda’ just text it to you, I just wanted you to know what was said in our conversation.” I know I just babbled ridiculously.
“No… I… uh am actually glad you called. Hang on a minute. Let me get out of here.” I can hear the loud voices getting lower and lower as he walks out of wherever he is. “Sorry about that. Pierce is off this weekend and we are starting a little early waiting on, Zoey. So, I was hoping we could talk.”
My heart sinks. I just don’t think I can do it. This was such a big mistake. Why did I call him? His voice just sparked up every emotion in my body. It shows me how much I miss everything about him. But he wants to talk…I just can’t take him crushing me again. Does he really need to reiterate to me that we are not together? I can’t hear ‘it’s not you it’s me’ again. I thought I was ready for this, but I’m not. I’m on the verge of seriously losing my mind from sadness, anger, loneliness and inadequacy. I just can’t take him letting me down again. It is really necessary? Why did I call? Oh God…can I just text next time? I panic, “I can’t right this minute, Ty. I’m right in the middle of getting my hair highlighted then I have some plans.” I thought plans would make me sound like it’s something exciting not staring at the ceiling or heading over to happy hour with Mandy.
He’s silent on the other end then I hear him take in a deep breath. “Yeah, um, then when you get a minute, okay? It’s almost been two weeks, Stella. We really need to figure this out. We’ve both been avoiding us talking and …”
I interrupt him and I reach deep down and grab everything I have. “Yeah, I know. I’ll talk to you soon and I am texting that info over.”
I hear a big sigh in my ear. “Yeah…Okay...Thanks.” And I hang up. I look around inside myself and I find the biggest bag I’ve ever found in my body and start shoveling the emotions in. Fuck me this pile is the size of a football field. I’m mad. I’m sad. I’m worked up by the sound of his fucking voice. I MISS HIM! It hits me hard and makes my heart beat out of my chest. I don’t get the talking. I don’t get what he wants to say. Maybe this range of emotions would just end and there would be closure if I would have just listened. But I don’t want to hear it. I can’t…I can’t right now! My mind, body and soul can’t take anymore hurt. We were never anything… nor will we ever be! I don’t want to be the dead horse that takes the beating over and over. Not tonight. And to top it off, when I did text him he questioned the spelling of Ms. Stevenson’s name. He wanted to know if it was spelled Stevenson or Stephenson. I admitted I wasn’t sure. Great, now I’m even incompetent as an assistant.
Can I do anything fucking right?