42
Renee
Kee slipped the slim jim in against the window and wiggled. I glanced around nervously, hoping no one came out and saw what we were doing. Hopefully, it wouldn't take more than fifteen minutes.
“Do you think he has an alarm?” Danielle was standing near the steps with her hands tucked in her jacket, shivering.
“Nah, I remember him locking his car and not setting an alarm.”
“Hurry up, Kee!” she cried. “Damn, it's cold out here.”
“Yo, hold the fuck up! Y'all crazy-ass mothafucka got a nigga out here breaking into someone's vehicle and then got the nerve to try and rush me?”
“Would you be quiet before someone hears us!” I said in a loud whisper. I moved around the SUV and looked up at the window on the left. The last thing I needed was for Landon to know we were out here breaking into his Tahoe. At least not until we were done.
“Got it,” Kee announced, then removed the slim jim and opened the door on the driver's side. “Aw'ight. Give me my money 'cause I'm out.”
I reached into my pocket, pulled out a fifty, and put it in his hand. “Thanks, Kee.” I rose on my tiptoes and kissed his bearded cheek.
“Nae-Nae, when you gon' quit playing and let me take you out?”
I smiled and patted him playfully on the cheek. Danielle's older brother was tall and skinny with shoulder-length locks and a platinum grill that was a turn-off, but despite that, he was a cutie. But I've known him since he used to eat boogers, and he was too much like family for me to imagine fucking with him.
“Sorry, big brother. I told you before you can't handle all this.”
“What the fuck eva! I ain't no little boy.”
“Kee, shut up and go before you get us all arrested!” Danielle said with a shove.
“Yeah, all right. I'm out.” He moved down the sidewalk to his Explorer parked at the end of the block behind Danielle's Durango.
“Come on, Nae-Nae, it's after midnight. I want to get this shit over with before we get caught.”
“Yeah, yeah.” I reached for a spray bottle I had sat in the grass and moved back over to the Tahoe. “Just keep watch while I do this.”
I reached in my jacket pockets, removed a pair of rubber gloves, and slipped them on my hands, then opened the driver's side door and leaned inside.
Danielle's teeth chattered. “I can't believe you're doing this.”
“Payback's a bitch.” I turned the nozzle on the bottle, started spraying all over the interior of his Tahoe, and chuckled.
“You're stupid.” Danielle cupped her mouth and started laughing.
I looked over my shoulder. “Nah, Landon's the one who's stupid. I warned him not to fuck with me.”
Since Landon had no intention of paying me back, I took matters in my own hands, and thanks to my diabetic dog, I had the perfect payback. The last few days, whenever I collected urine to dip, I saved it in a milk jug until I had just enough.
I saturated the insides of his windows, then started spraying the dashboard.
Danny turned up her nose. “That shit stinks! I can smell it way over here.”
“It ain't shit. It's piss,” I joked.
“Whatever, bitch. It smells like a grown-ass man who's been drinking all night.”
“That's the idea. I bet Landon won't piss in another woman's bed and play her ass again,” I replied and had to laugh as I sprayed his cloth seats. Oh, he was going to be hot.
“Renee, hurry up. I'm cold.”
Danielle was starting to get on my nerves. “Damn, I'm moving as fast as I can.” I shut the door and started on the backseat. There was no way Landon would ever be able to get this smell out of his Tahoe. I took the top off the bottle and even poured some on the floor in the back, making sure it soaked in through the carpet. I was trying to not rush because I didn't want to get piss on me, but I sprayed my face a couple of times. The smell was nauseating.
I heard Danielle gasp. “Renee! Here comes a car.”
Quickly, I shut the door, dropped the bottle on the ground, and moved around to the side while Danielle rushed over to the porch and made it look like she was just coming out the building. A Dodge Neon pulled in behind his vehicle. It was Leslie. She turned off her car, got out, and slammed the door, then looked at me and Danielle.
“What are you doing standing next to my man's Tahoe?”
No, she wasn't trying to act all tough and shit. That bitch picked the wrong day to be fucking with me. “We ain't thinking about your man. We were upstairs visiting someone.”
She glared at me like she didn't believe us. “No, you weren't. The only other person who lives here is two gay white men. I bet you were knocking on Landon's door.”
“Puh-leeze, the last person I want to see is
your
man.”
Danielle and I moved down the driveway and she jumped back, frowned, and sniffed. “What's that smell?”
I snorted rudely. “You should be used to it. You smell it every time you crawl up in bed with that pissy-ass man of yours.”
As I passed Leslie, she propped a hand at her waist and glared at me like she was putting some fear in my heart. “We need to get something straight.”
“Uh-oh.” Danielle was laughing and shivering at the same time. “I'm going to go and get my truck,” she called over her shoulder.
“Yeah, okay.” Ignoring Leslie, I slipped the gloves off my hands, turned them inside out, and stuffed them in my back pocket. They were going in the trash the second I got home. “What is it that you
need
to get straight?” I purposely articulated each word.
“I've seen your phone number on my man's Caller ID. Quit begging. Landon doesn't want you.”
I had to laugh at her big ass. “What the hell do I want with a man that still pisses in the bed?” I pushed past her and headed down the driveway.
“Quit calling my man!”
I froze. Okay, let me rewind this shit. Did she just say what I think she said? Oh, hell yeah. It was the same message I'd had on my cell phone.
I turned around and moved to stand in front of her. “Bitch, you been calling my phone?”
“Who you calling a bitch?” she spat, trying to act all big and bold and shit.
“You.”
Leslie moved all in my face like she dared me to hit her ugly ass.
I heard a horn blow. Danielle had backed up to the end of the driveway. “Come on, Renee. Let's go!”
“You better go before you get hurt,” she hissed.
I acted like I was leaving, then swung around and punched that bitch right smack in the mouth.
Leslie fell back, then quickly recovered and came charging at me. The two of us were some swinging and scratching fools. I'll give it to Leslie, the bitch had heart, but I was fueled by my anger from her man pissing in my bed and her calling and playing on my damn phone. I hit her hard in the jaw, then grabbed a handful of that fake-ass weave and swung her around. She hit her car and slid down onto the ground. I started kicking her.
“Don't call my phone again!”
Danielle jumped out of the SUV and raced up to me screaming, “Renee, enough!”
I leaned over and tried to catch my breath. “Fuck that bitch.”
She grabbed my arm and started pulling on me. “Come on, let's go before you get arrested.”
Just then the door to the complex swung open and Landon came rushing out in sweatpants and a T-shirt. “What the hell's going on?”
“Your bitch needs you,” I spat.
He moved around the SUV, then came over beside Leslie and helped her to her feet. “Baby, you okay?”
“Get your hands off me!” she screamed, then shrugged his arm away and stomped her feet all the way to the front door.
Landon glared at me. “What happened here?”
I pulled away from Danielle and gave him a dismissive wave. “Yo woman can tell you about it later. By the way, your check was returned.”
“Uh, yeah . . . about that . . .”
“Don't even worry about it because we're even now.” I reached for the spray bottle, took off the top, and just as he turned to head up the drive I called after him. “Landon?”
He swung around. “What now?”
“Catch.” I tossed the open bottle at him, spilling the rest of the pee on his face and T-shirt.
Danielle screamed and grabbed my arm. We ran and hopped in her Durango and peeled off. I couldn't stop laughing. Neither could she.
“Your ass is crazy! He might try to sue you for damages.”
“No, he won't,” I said confidently. “Because if he does, I'll have him prosecuted for passing bad checks.”
We kept on laughing. When Danny got to the corner she swung in my direction and turned up her nose. “Yo ass stinks!”
I smiled. “Yeah, I know. But it was worth it.”
43
Renee
We met Kayla at the bridal shop and did fittings for our dresses. I'll have to admit that chocolate and orange ain't a bad combination. The form-fitting chocolate gown with the orange trim accented my small waist and big behind and took attention away from my itty-bitty titties. But I had just the right bra at home to add that extra cleavage that I needed. When Kayla stepped out in her long A-line dress, all three of us gasped.
“Oh my, girl, you're wearing the hell out of that dress!” I exclaimed.
“You really think so?” she asked with that same insecurity that had its grasp on her for years.
Danielle rose and stood beside her in front of the mirror. “Yes, you look so beautiful.”
Nadine whistled. “Wait until Jermaine sees you in that dress.”
We all stood in front of the mirror at our reflection with Kayla. I got misty-eyed as I remembered us in this same exact pose when we were all teenagers trying on clothes to go to some party we were having down at the community center. The only one missing from this picture was my big sister Lisa.
Kayla was the first to break the silence. “I never thought I'd see this day.”
“I don't know why not,” Nadine scolded and draped an arm around her waist. “You are the only one of us with any sense.”
I had to cosign that. “I know that's right.”
“I've waited all my life for this moment.” Her bottom lip quivered and I knew if one of us didn't say something funny she was about to cry. And then we all would be crying.
“And a good thing, too, otherwise you'd be like Renee's crazy ass, married three times,” Danielle teased.
I bumped my hip against hers. “Whatever. I believe in going for the moment. You never know unless you try.”
Nadine's brow rose. “Yeah, but how many times do you have to try before you get it right?”
I stepped away from the group and took a seat in the dressing room. “I'm not trying anymore. I think single life is just meant for me.” But even as I said that I couldn't help but think about Kenny and wish things could be different. However, chances were that if I could have had it, I wouldn't have wanted his skinny ass at all. “Let's get out of these dresses and go have some lunch.”
I moved behind the partition and reached for the zipper, but Kayla continued to stand in front of the mirror. I couldn't blame her. She was beautiful and deserved everything that was happening to her.
Last year when Kayla was accused of murder, Jermaine, one of the academic advisors at the medical school where she was employed, had supported her through the entire ordeal and eventually confessed his love for her.
“Hey, Kayla.”
She swung around.
“You can't marry Jermaine unless you get that dress altered. It can't get altered if you don't take it off,” I teased.
Smiling, she wiped away the tears. “I see you've got jokes.”
“Always.” We shared a smile, then she moved into her dressing room.
We all changed clothes and went down the street to eat at the St. Louis Bread Company. I grabbed a bowl of soup and a small salad and found a large table in the back away from the door and the crowd. I was finishing up my soup when I noticed a man walking into the building.
“Danielle, isn't that Chance over there?”
Her head snapped around and I noticed her frown before she quickly painted on a smile. “What's he doing here?”
“Stalking your ass,” I mumbled under my breath. Danielle looked over and glared at me.
Kayla appeared eager to meet him. “Invite him over.”
Danielle raised her hand and signaled him over. Chance didn't even look surprised to see her. I told you he was a stalker.
He was wearing the hell out of a pair of jeans, a navy blue Sean John sweater, and a fresh pair of Timberlands. I ain't gonna lie, Chance is fine in a thuggish kinda way. He's just too damn possessive for my taste. I'd be damned if some man would be checking my cell phone.
“Hello,” he said, flashing his pearly whites, marred by two gold teeth.
“Everybody, this is Chance Garrett. Chance, you met Renee, and that's Kayla, my friend who's getting married.”
“Congratulations,” he said as he shook her hand.
“Thanks,” Kayla said happily.
“Oh, and that's Nadine coming our way now.”
“Hello, I . . .” As Nadine drew closer to the table his voice trailed off. And we all noticed the stern look on her face.
“Hello, Jaycee. Fuck any dykes lately?”
Jaycee. Oh. My. God. The dude who impregnated Jordan. The same dude she'd been fucking. Oh, this was about to get good.
Confused, Kayla looked from one to the other. “Jaycee? Who's Jaycee?”
Nadine took a seat with her eyes still glued to Chance's, giving him a chance to explain. She was better than me because I would have just busted his ass out. All his slick ass could do was stand there and stutter. I couldn't help it. I had to instigate.
“Jaycee? Isn't that the name of Jordan's sperm donor?” I looked at Nadine. She gave me a look that said
stay out of this
.
Chance finally found his voice and gave a nervous laugh. “You . . . you got me confused with someone else. But look, baby girl, I've got to go. I'll holla at you back at the crib.”
I jumped up and blocked his path. “Uh-uh, where do you think you're going?”
He glared at me, then tried to soften his expression. As far as I was concerned he wasn't going anywhere.
“Look, I've got things to do.”
“Like what?” I folded my arms across my chest and waited. “Danny, you better check yo man.”
Nadine's eyes narrowed dangerously. “For what? She gonna still be with his trifling ass tomorrow.”
“You don't know what I'm going to do!” Danielle turned to Chance, who stood there looking amused by the whole thing. As soon as he saw Danielle cut her eyes, his face dropped. “Are you the father of Jordan's baby?” she demanded to know.
Chance looked from Nadine to Danielle. Both looked like they were ready to strangle his ass. Hell, even Kayla looked like she was ready to land a few licks if the need arose.
“Baby girl, we're in a public place and don't need to be putting our business out in these streets,” he replied in a sweet, innocent voice.
“Hey!” His slick ass pissed me off, so I threw a cherry tomato and got him right smack in the eye. “My girl asked you a question. It's either yes or no.” He looked like he was ready to punch me. I mean mugged him, daring him to even try.
“Like I said, we'll talk about this when you get home.” He leaned over and kissed Danielle on the lips. “Baby girl, I'll see you back at the house.” Luckily, he stepped around me because I was all set to throw a salt shaker at his head.
I swung around. “You just gonna let him walk out of here!”
Danielle lowered into her chair and mumbled, “He's right. We'll talk when I get home.”
I flopped back down in my chair. “That lying mothafucka ain't gonna tell you the truth!”
“What truth? His name isn't Jaycee. It's Chance.”
I was tempted to throw a cherry tomato at her ass. “Danny, your man is probably lying.”
Nadine angrily stabbed her salad. “There's no
probably
about it. He is lying.”
Danielle glared across at her. “Why would he lie?”
I butted my way into the conversation. “Because he doesn't want you to know he's donating sperm to dykes.” Everyone at the table turned and glared at me. I rolled my eyes and reached for my soda. I was just trying to help.
“Danielle, I know who the father of Jordan's baby is. I was there when . . . when he and Jordan met and hooked up.” Nadine turned so red in the face, she dropped her head and reached for her sandwich.
What Nadine wasn't saying was that she fucked him, too, but that was something she had told me in confidence so my lips were sealed . . . for at least the next five minutes or so.
Danielle tried to act like it was no big deal and ate her sandwich. “Well, I'll talk to him about it when I get home.”
“Who's going with me to look at flower arrangements?” Kayla asked, trying to change the subject. I don't blame her. This was supposed to be her day and it had been ruined by Chance a.k.a Jaycee, the dyke baby maker.
I huffed. “Girl, I'll go with you.”
We each ate our food. Nadine finally tossed her sandwich on the plate and pushed her chair away from the table. “I forgot I have an appointment downtown. Kayla, have fun. I'll talk to some of you later.” We mumbled our good-byes and watched her leave.
She was barely out the building when Danielle finally spoke. “Nadine is so full of shit. Chance is not the guy Jordan's pregnant by.”
I waved my hand in the air. “Correction. He wasn't messing with her; he was
depositing
sperm.”
Danielle pursed her lips. “Whatever the case may be, it wasn't my man.”
I started laughing at her because she's stuck on stupid. Kayla gave me a look that said
leave it alone
but I couldn't do that. “Danny, Nadine's too much of a lady to say this, but remember when she was telling you about the man she was fucking on the DL? Well, she was talking about Chance.”
“What?”
I nodded. “That's how she knows who he is. Hell, she probably can describe his dick if you ask her.” I told them everything Nadine had told me in more detail than either of their asses cared to hear.
“I think I'm about to be sick.” Danielle raced off to the bathroom, almost knocking over a woman with a wide cardboard ass.
Kayla shook her head. “Can we ever get past the drama and start acting like women who are over thirty?”
I gave her an innocent look. “What? What did I do now? I just told her the truth about her man.”
I could tell the entire episode had Kayla upset. “Where did Danny meet him?”
“At the club.”
She blew air between her teeth. “Figures.”
“He also works at the hospital. Mr. Fuck-a-Dyke has been practically living with Danielle for the past month.” I kept looking over at the door waiting for her to come out.
“I really don't think Danielle needs this right now. She has been going through so much. That whole episode with her daughter, and then you messing with Calvin.” Kayla shook her head.
I was starting to get pissed off. “I wasn't messing with him! Danny asked me to set up his simple ass.”
“Whatever the case may be, she's been through a lot.”
“She's been through a lot? What about me? I'm the woman who caught her husband fucking another man in the ass!”
Kayla's expression became apologetic. “You're right. I forgot about that.”
She forgot because everyone always feels sorry for everyone but me. Can't I be the victim sometimes? Damn!
“I guess I better go and get Danielle.” Kayla wiped her mouth with her napkin and started to get up from her chair.
“Here she comes now.” I watched her walk back to our table with a painted-on smile. She wasn't fooling anyone. “You okay?” I asked.
“I'm fine.” She nodded, reached for her purse, and swung it over her arm. “Look, I'll talk to you later.” She turned and walked out the door, but not before I saw the tears stream down her face.