Carried Forward By Hope (4 page)

Carrie gasped, raised her hand, and knocked boldly on the door, stepping back just a little when Clifford flung it open.

“What?” he snapped, his face changing immediately when he recognized their visitor. “Well hello, Carrie,” he said calmly.

Carrie stared at him, wondering that such rage could so quickly become a civilized expression. That, perhaps more than anything else, scared her for Janie. What was hiding within the man they had all grown so fond of? “Dinner is ready,” she said steadily, stepping into the room and smiling at Janie. “I was afraid Janie was too tired after all she did to help me with Robert today.”

“Yes,” Clifford said smoothly. “Janie was quite exhausted. We thought we would skip dinner tonight.”

“Oh, that would be so sad,” Carrie said, determined not to leave her friend in the room with Clifford’s anger. “Everyone is quite eager to have you there.” She took Janie’s hand and looked at Clifford. “You’re going back to Raleigh so soon. We don’t want to miss a minute with either of you.” She almost choked on her words but managed to keep her voice casual and light. “Please do join us for dinner. The rest sent me to bring you back.”

Janie remained silent.

That alone made Carrie grit her teeth. She hated the look of fear lurking in Janie’s eyes as she gazed at Clifford, waiting for his decision.

“All right then,” Clifford relented. “You’re right that we won’t be here much longer. We surely want to spend as much time with you as we can.” Only his eyes revealed his tension.

Carrie squeezed Janie’s hand comfortingly before smiling brightly and releasing it. “Wonderful!” She stepped back out into the hallway and stopped, not willing to leave Janie alone for even a moment and sick at heart that she felt that way.

Carrie saw Clifford’s eyes narrow with anger, but he kept a pleasant expression on his face as he stepped out into the hallway to join her.

“We saved you some dinner,” Matthew said pleasantly as Carrie, Janie, and Clifford claimed their seats.

“Wonderful!” Carrie said brightly. “These two were going to hide in their room tonight, but I convinced them we wanted their company too much to let them do that.”

Clifford nodded as he took his seat. Janie gave a small smile and slipped into the chair next to his.

Matthew almost frowned when he saw the expressions on their faces, but a quick warning glance from Carrie stopped him. He simply nodded. “You’re just in time to hear our news,” he said.

Carrie took a bite of steaming beans. “What news would that be?” she asked, trying to keep her voice calm and steady, while her insides churned with fear and anger. She barely kept her hand from shaking when she remembered the fear she heard in Janie’s voice behind the closed door.

“Matthew and I have decided to return to Washington, DC for President Lincoln’s viewing and funeral procession,” Aunt Abby said somberly.

Carrie put down her fork slowly, her throat suddenly tight. “You’re leaving?” was all she could think to say. The long day had left her physically, emotionally, and mentally drained. She’d only had Aunt Abby back in her life for a short time. She couldn’t bear to lose her again so quickly.

Aunt Abby, reading her thoughts clearly, reached over and took her hand. “Yes my dear, but I’ll be returning as soon as the formalities are over. Only something like this could pull me away from Richmond right now.”

The pain in Aunt Abby’s eyes sliced through Carrie’s own pain. “Of course,” she said immediately. “You must be there.” Her gaze landed on Matthew. “You too,” she murmured.

Matthew nodded. “The
Philadelphia Tribune
has asked me to cover it, but I would want to be there regardless.”

“Will you be coming back too?” Carrie asked, suddenly wanting to be surrounded by all the people who mattered to her. Janie was leaving and her father was still in hiding from Union forces, but she wanted to pull everyone else close. After four years of having to be strong she suddenly felt fragile and weak. It was not a feeling she liked or welcomed, but she also couldn’t seem to conquer it.

Matthew shook his head. “No. I’ll be leaving from Washington to accompany the funeral train to Illinois. I won’t go with it all the way because I’ve also been called down to travel with a boatload of freed prisoners from Vicksburg up the Mississippi.”

“They’re going home,” Carrie said softly, understanding how much that would mean to Matthew after his stays in Libby Prison. She still had memories of his emaciated condition when she and Robert helped him escape.

“Yes.” Matthew nodded, his expression showing his gratitude for her understanding. “They are going home.”

“Then of course you must be there,” Carrie replied. “No one can tell their story better than you can.”

  “When is the viewing?” Rose asked. “Surely people will come from all parts of the country.”

“You’re right,” Matthew agreed. “The trains will be crowded. The procession will be on the nineteenth so that people have a chance to get there.”

“He’s not going to be buried in Washington, DC?” Moses asked.

“No.” Matthew answered. “I received news today that a delegate from Illinois came to the capital and asked Mrs. Lincoln to please have his body returned to his home in Illinois. She agreed.”

“But not until there has been a procession and several days for people to view him,” Aunt Abby added soberly. “He was greatly loved.”

“He was a tyrant,” Clifford snorted angrily.

Everyone jerked around to stare at him.

Aunt Abby was the first to speak. “You’re angry,” she said simply.

“Angry?” Clifford echoed bitterly. “I don’t think there is a word strong enough to communicate my feelings. It was Lincoln who declared war on the South. It was Lincoln who sent troops down here to kill off the best and the finest we had to offer.” His voice grew more heated. “It was Lincoln who set all the slaves free. It was Lincoln who made sure the South was left in complete chaos and turmoil when the war ended.” He pounded his fist on the table and leaped to his feet. “Angry?” he shouted. “Yes, I guess you could say I’m angry. And I certainly won’t say I’m not glad he’s dead!”

Shocked silence met his tirade.

Janie sat frozen as a statue, only her trembling shoulders revealing her pain and embarrassment. Her eyes were fixed on her empty plate.

Matthew was the first to find his voice as he sought to defuse the tense situation with reason. “I think I understand why you feel the way you do,” he said slowly, “but I think you’ll find Lincoln’s death will only make things more difficult for the South.”

Clifford snorted again. “I hardly think that is possible.”

“Then you don’t know President Johnson,” Matthew responded blandly, not wanting to go into all he had learned today, and hoping against hope it had been wrong.

“And you don’t know the Southern people,” Clifford responded bitterly. “We may have lost the war, but we have not lost our dignity or our self-respect. The Yankees have taken or destroyed our lands, but they have not taken our spirits.”

“I certainly hope not,” Aunt Abby said fervently.

Even Clifford quieted and turned to stare at her. “What?” he muttered.

“Four years of war have left bitter feelings on every side,” Aunt Abby said calmly. “There are people in the North who feel just as strongly as you do. It is going to take a very long time to reconstruct this great country. It’s only going to be done by people who hold on to their dignity and their self-respect.” She paused for a long moment. “It’s also going to be done by people who can appreciate the dignity and self-respect of the other side. Hatred and misunderstanding is what got us here in the first place. I hardly think continuing down that road will create different results than what have already been created.”

Clifford stiffened but remained silent.

Aunt Abby fixed her eyes on him and continued. “You are a very intelligent man, Clifford. You have a law practice you plan to revive. You can be a leader for positive change, or you can continue to promote hatred and prejudice. The choice will be yours.”

Silence filled the room, but Aunt Abby wasn’t done. “Your anger and hatred will only poison you, my boy,” she said softly. “It will poison your heart. It will poison your relationships. It will poison your business. And in the end, if you choose to let it, it will destroy all you hoped to be or become.”

Carrie could hardly breathe. She saw Clifford’s eyes flash with anger, but he remained silent.

Aunt Abby took a breath and turned to smile at the rest of the table. “Now, I do believe May prepared a special dessert for tonight.” She looked over at the housekeeper staring at her with wide eyes. “Would you be so kind as to deliver it to the parlor? I believe all of us need a change of scenery.” She rose quietly and moved into the other room.

“Yessum,” May squeaked, before she disappeared back into the kitchen.

Everyone pushed back from the table and followed Aunt Abby — all but Clifford and Janie.

Carrie looked back, her heart torn by the misery in Janie’s eyes and alarmed by the hatred and anger in Clifford’s. She’d seen that look before in Ike Adams’s eyes. Memories of the old overseer at Cromwell Plantation made her shudder. She couldn’t leave Janie alone with Clifford right now.

Carrie turned and moved back into the dining room, taking her place across from Janie. Janie’s eyes were pleading with her to leave, but she just couldn’t do it. “I’m sorry, Clifford,” she said quietly. “There are a lot of intense feelings right now.”

Clifford snorted but looked at her with something akin to respect. “You came back in to talk to me?”

Carrie smiled slightly. “Aunt Abby said there has been enough hatred and prejudice. She’s right. I don’t pretend to understand or agree with all you feel, but I certainly accept your right to feel that way.” She took an easier breath when she saw some of the rage fade from his eyes. She had endured many difficult conversations with her father and with Robert over their feelings regarding slavery.

The difference was that neither of those men had spoken to her with the complete scorn and disregard Clifford had directed at Janie. Neither of them had caused her to be frightened by their anger — especially not frightened they would direct it toward her. She sensed Clifford was a dangerous man. She had to calm him before Janie was alone with him again. Only then could she think about a more permanent solution.

Carrie managed to keep her voice calm and even. “You are my friend’s husband. You are someone I’ve come to care a great deal about. Those are the things that are most important to me.”

She reached out and took Janie’s hand, tears springing to her eyes when she felt how cold and trembling it was. “You’re going home soon. I will miss both of you.”

Clifford’s anger faded away as he stared at her. “You’re a fine woman, Carrie Borden. I fear you will not like the world the North has given us to live in.”

Carrie shrugged. “I fear I will not like the world both the North and the
South
have given me to live in, but I learned long ago that I can’t let circumstances rule my life. I have to acknowledge them, but I don’t have to let them control me. My only real choice is to try and live a life of love and integrity in the midst of chaos.”

Janie’s eyes shot up to meet hers. Carrie breathed a sigh of relief as she saw the fear fade, replaced by a glimmer of hope and strength. She gazed into her friend’s eyes, willing her to accept the confidence and strength she was passing on to her through her hand.

Carrie stood after a long moment. “Please join us in the parlor,” she said gently. “It may be awkward,” she added when she saw Clifford’s eyes flare with resistance, “but if you truly meant what you said about living with dignity and self-respect, then you must be willing to stand up for your beliefs without apology.”

She turned and walked into the parlor, praying Clifford and Janie would follow. She couldn’t imagine Janie having to go up to their room with Clifford right now. She simply wouldn’t allow it, though she had no idea how she would stop it.

She almost cried with relief when Clifford followed her. He stood stiffly by the fireplace but accepted the plate of dessert Aunt Abby handed him. Janie sank down on the sofa, suddenly looking as if she couldn’t stand one more minute. Carrie sat down next to her, staying close to give her moral support.

She looked up to see Aunt Abby gazing at her with warm approval and pride.

Carrie flushed and had to stiffen herself against the total exhaustion that swept through her body. Had it really only been that morning when Matthew arrived with news of Lincoln’s death? It didn’t seem possible, yet she knew it was true. She sat quietly while conversation ebbed and flowed around her, everyone trying to ease the awkwardness for Janie’s sake.