There were all sorts of phone messages waiting for Logan, and he went right to work calling people after we got settled-in.
Drake and I took a brief tour of the house. He was enchanted by the murals in the drawing room, and even more impressed by the size of the house. "Is this a castle, Heaven?" he asked. "Am I going to be a prince now?" His eyes were wide with wonder.
"Yes, darling," I said, hugging him close to me. "You will be the prince of the castle and have everything your heart desires."
I had the room right next to our suite prepared for him and Logan brought him some of the sample toys that were in the house. Drake was exhausted from the day and the travel, and he fell asleep right after he had some dinner.
After I tucked him into his bed, I stood and stared down at him. He was so sweet, so beautiful and innocent. I promised myself to be a real mother to him, never to make him feel foreign or unwanted. Yes, I could try to undo the past. I could prove with my love that anger and bitterness and resentment could be put to rest once and for all. I would love him enough to undo all the pain and misery I had suffered by hating Luke.
Fanny was right--we were all orphans of a sort, but I would make us a family. The baby growing in me would be as much a brother or sister to him as any baby Stacie would have had. And I would love Drake in a way Luke had never been able to love me.
I tucked the blanket under his chin, knelt down and kissed his soft cheek, and left him Logan was just hanging up the phone in the bedroom when I arrived.
"Heaven," he said, his face a picture of frustration, "I hate to do this to you so quickly, but I've got to get back to Winnerow tomorrow. The roofers walked off the job over a dispute with my foreman Everything's at a standstill there. As soon as I settle it--"
"Don't worry, Logan. You go in the morning. I'll be busy getting to know Drake and letting him get to know me and Farthy. And I want to be here when Tony gets back. We have some things to discuss," I said. Logan heard the determined tone running under my words.
"I'm sure that he has good explanations and that everything he did and has done he did for good reasons, Heaven. Tony cares for you. He wouldn't do anything to upset you, especially now that you're pregnant."
"I hope not," I said, but of course, there was much Logan didn't know about my past at
Farthinggale. His optimism was understandable.
Logan slept the sleep of the innocent that night, while I tossed and turned, turned and tossed, my mind assailed by secrets and shadows. I lay there wondering and thinking. How odd life was. How like my own life Drake's would become. And how like mine would my own child's be, a child who might never know who his or her real father was? My mind churned on, trying to unravel the cat's cradle that was my life. So many of the knots were centered around Tony--Tony, who had raped my mother, who had caused Jillian to go mad, who had made my love with Troy
impossible, and now, it appeared, had tried to run Luke's life as he tried to run mine. Why? As far as I knew, the only time Luke had any contact with Tony was when he called him to tell him he had bought me plane tickets to go to Boston to see him and Jillian and learn about my mother. Tony rarely mentioned Luke after that. Why would he? They came from worlds so far apart they might as well have been on different planets. -
Yet the telegram announcing Luke and Stacie's death came to Tony, and it was Tony who had made all these arrangements. Why did Tony buy Luke the circus and never tell me he had done so?
It was no use; I would never sleep tonight, I thought. I looked over at Logan. He was dead to the world, tired himself from the travel and the ordeal. His breathing was deep and regular. I got out of bed and slipped into my robe and slippers, moving quietly into the dimly lit corridor. First I checked on Drake and found him in a deep sleep. I fixed his blanket, which he had pushed away during some tossing and turning, and then I left him. But instead of returning to my bedroom, I went downstairs.
How quiet the house was. How still were the shadows in the corners. My own shadow, ten times my size, followed me along the walls like a dark hovering angel as I descended the stairs and paused to reconsider what I was about to do. I had never had the interest or the curiosity before, but tonight . . . tonight I needed answers.
I went directly to Tony's office and turned on the light. The big desk was cluttered with papers. I knew how much Tony hated anyone to go through his things. He even hated the maids cleaning. The office always had a dusty, unkempt appearance, but Tony valued his privacy and his own system of recording and finding things so much, he hated any interference.
My gaze fell on the file cabinets. I was glad that he kept things alphabetized. At first I searched and found nothing. I was looking under the C's for Casteel. Confused and frustrated, I stood there thinking Then I pulled out the files under the H's, looking for one labeled
HEAVEN.
My heart sent an electric shock through my veins instead of blood when I found it.
I sat down at his desk and looked through it. At first all I found were papers concerning my schooling. But then I found a simple document, a document that made me colder than the most icy wind shaking through the cracks in the cabin floor and walls in the Willies.
It was a letter of agreement between Anthony Townsend Tatterton and Luke Casteel, turning the Windenbarron circus over to Luke for the simple consideration of one dollar plus the following stipulation:
". . that he never again make contact in any way, form, or manner with Heaven Leigh Casteel." The agreement being that he would forfeit his ownership of the circus, should he do so.
I sat back, too stunned to rage or cry or scream. Too stunned to know how to react. I understood only one thing.
Once again Luke had sold me
SOON AFTER DAWN'S FIRST LIGHT I WAS AWAKENED BY THE pitter-pat of small feet. I opened my eyes and spotted Drake in the doorway, tousle-haired from sleep, shyly staring at me. I had left the door open so I could hear him should he awaken during the night and cry out for his mother or father. I smiled and sat up. Logan woke up
immediately, too.
"Good morning, Drake," I said. "Hungry for breakfast?"
He continued to stare at me, his eyes blinking rapidly.
"Morning, Drake," Logan said, getting out of bed quickly. "I'm hungry. I know that."
"I wanna go home," Drake said. He didn't whine; he just made a demand.
I got out of bed and went to him, kneeling down before him and taking his hands into mine He stood there firmly, his beautiful bright brown eyes intense, his lips pursed.
"You are home now, Drake. Wherever Logan and I are will be your home from now on. Don't you remember yesterday and all the things we said and saw?"
He nodded slowly. I brought him to me, embracing him and kissing him on the cheek.
"Okay, then," I said in my most cheerful voice. "We'll all get washed and dressed and have some breakfast, and then you and I will explore Farthy. That's what we call this house and the grounds, Farthy, short for Farthinggale Manor. You'll see a pool and a gazebo and gardens and tennis courts."
"Can I go swimming?" Drake's eyes lit up.
"Of course, darling, but it's too cold now. But we can explore the maze, although you won't be able to ever go in it all by yourself, because you could get lost forever and ever. After we take our walk, you can come back up here and play with some of the toys Logan found for you last night. Then, after lunch, we'll have Miles drive us into Boston in the limo, and I will take you shopping and buy you all sorts of clothes. How does all that sound?"
He looked from me toward Logan, who was already shaving.
"You should start with a nice warm bath," I said, standing and taking his hand to lead him to the bathroom in his room.
"I don't wanna "
"Sure you do," I said, looking around quickly. I saw the replica of the
Queen Mary
on a chair by his light walnut dresser, and I remembered that it could actually float. "You'll take your toy ship in the water with you and you'll see that the little lifeboats float."
That caught his interest and from then on it was easy. He even let me wash his hair. Afterward, I dried him down and dressed him in one of his outfits. I put a sweater on him because the early days of fall were here and the wind was already reminding us that winter was not that far behind.
He played quietly in his room until I got washed and dressed, and then we joined Logan for breakfast. He was reading through
The Wall Street Journal,
just as Tony always did at breakfast. I looked at his studious frown, tempted to tell him the truth I had learned last night, and all the other truths I had kept from him for so long. Suddenly he looked up at me. "A penny for your thoughts, honey." He smiled.
Oh, did my thoughts show so easily on my face? I covered my shame with a smile.
"You owe me a penny," Logan continued before I had a chance to say a word. "I know what you're thinking." My heart skipped a beat. He laid down his paper and gave me a big grin. "The baby, you're thinking about the new baby, aren't you?"
I could only smile back at him. "I'm thinking about all my new children, especially this special young man," I said, tousling Drake's hair.
The servants made an extra effort to make Drake feel at home. Rye Whiskey even created a fruit plate that looked like an elephant and brought it out himself. It brought the first real smile to Drake's face. I saw that he had inherited Luke's smile, a smile that began around his eyes and rippled through his cheeks, bringing the corners of his mouth out gently.
Logan had to rush out right after breakfast to make his plane. He kissed me good-bye and then kissed Drake, who looked up with such surprise, I had to wonder if Luke had ever kissed him hello or goodbye. Perhaps Luke had brought with him that resistance to any show of emotion most men from the Willies had. Sentiment was a woman's way.
After breakfast Drake and I went for that walking tour of Farthinggaie Manor I had promised him. The trees on the grounds and in the surrounding woods were beginning to wear their bright autumn colors. It was as if God had come along with a great paintbrush and stroked in ribbons of yellow and orange, red and salmon. Because the trees were still full, the sight was breathtaking. The morning air, although a bit cool, was invigorating. Nature filled us with such a strong feeling for life just before she retreated into hibernation before the winter when days could be cold and dark and gloomy, making us long for the first rays of the spring sun. I remembered how welcome were the sounds of the spring waters in the Willies freeing themselves from the grip of ice.
The gardeners were working on the grounds and some men were winterizing the pool. I could see that little Drake was fascinated with all the activity. His eyes went everywhere, hungrily gobbling up the sight of men trimming trees and bushes, men painting the sides of the pool and repairing cracks in the patios.
When we reached one of the entrances to the maze, I explained what it was to him and why it was dangerous for him to go in himself.
"After you go in and make a turn here and then make a turn there, you can forget how to get back because all the turns and all the paths look the same."
"Why did someone make that?" he asked, his eyes narrowing. He was a thoughtful boy, a curious boy. After having taught for a year, I could recognize that love for learning in a young child's eyes. I knew that once he became more comfortable around me and in these surroundings, he would ask many questions. I wondered if Luke and Stacie had been patient with him and had fed his appetite for knowledge. I made up my mind we would get hi- I a good tutor and give him preschool instruction.
"It's supposed to be fun," I said. "A puzzle, but only a puzzle for older people, you understand?"
He nodded.
"Promise me you'll never go in by yourself."
"I promise," he said and I hugged him to me. He looked into my eyes, a warmth appearing for the first time.
"Is my daddy looking down now and smiling?" he asked.
"Oh, I think so, Drake. I really do." I stood up. "Come on, we'll go see what the men are doing to the pool," I said and led him away from the maze.
Right after lunch I had Miles bring up the limo and take us into Boston for the shopping spree. I reminded myself of the time Tony took me into Boston to buy my wardrobe for the Winterhaven School. He said, "I despise the way girls dress today, ruining the best part of their lives with shoddy, common clothes. . . . You will dress as the girls dressed when I went to Yale." Then he took me to the small shops where clothes and shoes cost small fortunes. Not once did he ask the prices of sweaters, skirts, dresses, coats, boots . . . anything. Only Tony had been wrong about the clothes. Not one girl at Winterhaven wore a skirt. They dressed like any other teenager: blue jeans and sloppy tops, too-large shirts or ill-fitting sweaters.
I was determined not to make the same mistake with Drake. I would buy him nice things, but not stuffy clothes that would single him out and isolate him from other children his age. I wasn't about to make him over into something he was not, something Tony had attempted to do with me. I looked to see what Drake liked, what caught his fancy, too. I bought him some dress clothes, but a lot of clothes to play in--jeans, flannel shirts, sneakers.
Miles followed along in the limo and took the packages from my hands as I emerged from store after store. Finally both Drake and I were exhausted from our shopping. We got into the limo and headed back to Farthy. The servants helped bring our packages up to Drake's room, but I dismissed the maids and put things away myself. I wanted Drake to feel my strong bond with him and everything that involved him. He sat on the rug playing with his cars and trucks as I organized his wardrobe. Every once in a while I caught him looking up and staring at me.
I could see he wasn't quite sure yet how to take me, or what to consider me. Was I a stepmother, a half sister, a nanny? He had grown more comfortable with me, but he was still holding back, rationing his words, his laughter, even his tears. I knew it would take time and it was simply a matter of trust, and I, as well as anyone, knew what it was like to start over with a new family and a new home.
He talked a let- more at dinner, telling me about the times he had gone with Luke to the circus, telling me about the animals and the acrobats. "Heaven, there was this woman who knew how to hang by her hair and spin around and around, and sometimes Daddy let me feed the elephants. My favorite, my always favorite was when Daddy let me wear my own clown suit and special clown nose and hair and I got to ride on the top hump of the camel. His name was Ishtar, isn't that a funny name, Heaven?"
He wondered when he would be able to go back to the circus, and I told him that someday soon, I would take him to a circus, maybe even a bigger circus. Talking about the circus reminded him of Luke, though, and of Stacie, and very soon he became melancholy. Rye Whiskey rescued the moment once again when he appeared with a three-layer chocolate cake with a clown face made out of strawberries on top.
"Wow, what's that!" Drake asked, excitement enlivening his features.
"This cake is called a Drake cake." Rye Whiskey smiled. "Tell me if you like it." With that he set the cake before Drake. "Can I have the piece with the nose?" Drake asked.
"Of course, young man," Rye Whiskey said, pretending to steal Drake's nose, putting his thumb between his fingers as he chuckled. "Since I've got yours, you can have the cake's."
Shortly afterward I took Drake up to his room and washed and dressed him for bed. He had had another big day. I let him play a while longer, until he grew groggy. Then I tucked him in under his soft blanket, kissed him on the cheek, and left him to sleep his second night at Farthy.
I went down to the living room, planning to lie in wait for Tony and confront him the moment he returned. The world outside the Farthinggale world seemed to anticipate my anger and accusations. The sky was dismally dark and overcast, with flashes of furious lightning flaming through the sky. No stars dared show themselves on this night. Then the rains came, heavy and hard, sounding cold, like tears of ice.
Suddenly I heard the sound of tires whooshing through puddles, a door slammed outside, then the front door opened. I heard Curtis bid Tony good evening. Then I heard him giving Tony all his messages and recounting all that had happened while he was gone. Tony wandered into the living room, as he always did, and smiled when he saw me.
"I'm sorry I wasn't here when you and Logan returned," he said, coming to me. "Was it a very trying time?"
"Yes," I said sharply. "For more reasons than one. There was surprise as well as sadness, mystery, and confusion."
"Where's Logan?" he asked, as if looking for an ally at this moment.
"He was called back to Winnerow over a labor crisis at the factory. Perhaps we should go into your office and talk, Tony," I said quickly. He stared at me a moment, his blue eyes narrowing now with suspicion and some understanding.
"I was just heading there," he said. He gestured for me to lead the way and I did so, snapping on the light and going right to his desk. I sat down quickly in the leather chair in front of it and waited for him to go around his desk. He dropped some papers on it and then sat down. "So you met with J. Arthur Steine," he said, as if that conclusion explained it all.
"Yes. And new I want to hear it from you, Tony. Why did you buy the circus and then give it to Luke for only one dollar?"
He shrugged and sat back, lacing the tips of his fingers together to form a cathedral and then pressing his palms together. He brought his fingers to his lips before speaking. It looked as if he were offering up some prayer.
"I was searching for ways to get you to come back to us at Farthy," he began. "I couldn't believe you were going to continue to give all this up for a teaching position in that small town, where the people didn't even appreciate you."
"I wasn't there for the people, I was there for the children," I corrected him.
He nodded. "I know. Anyway, I was at a loss for ways to win your love and your loyalty, and it occurred to me that if I did something for Luke, you might appreciate the things I could do for everyone you . . . you cared for . . and you would come back."
"But you never even told me what you had done," I said, practically jumping on his words. "Explain what kind of logic there was in that? And you're usually a very logical man, Tony."
"I realize that," he admitted. "But right after I bought the circus and gave it to Luke, I got cold feet. I thought you would think I was trying to buy your love and loyalty, and in the end I would do more damage by telling you this. So I just forgot about it. It was no big expense for me. It didn't matter, and then.. then the telegram came and the rest you know. So," he said, eager to leave the topic, "how's the little one? I'm sure that----"
"I want to know all of it, Tony. I want to hear the whole story from your lips and I want to know why you did it," I repeated, my eyes fixed coldly on him. I knew that when I wanted to, I could affect his sharp, penetrating gaze. I hadn't only inherited some of his looks; I had inherited the steel in his backbone. We were facing each other down, Tatterton to Tatterton. For what seemed to be an eternity, he sat there, his blue eyes calm and unreadable.
"What do you mean?" he finally said. "I told you why I did it."
"You didn't tell me the truth, Tony." I wondered if in his own mind, he thought that he had. For so long now the inhabitants of Farthii ggale Manor had been living with illusions. Perhaps it was no longer possible for him to remember what was true and what wasn't. Sometimes, I thought, you could dream so hard, you no longer know whether it was a fantasy or a real memory.
"What is not true?" he asked.
"The reason you bought the circus and gave it to Luke."
"What I told you is the truth," he insisted. "I did it for you."
"I don't mean that, Tony. In some distorted way I think you did think you were doing what you did in order to win me back here. But I want to hear the whole story. What was Luke's reaction when you gave him the circus?"
"What would his reaction be? He was grateful," Tony said, shrugging. "At first he thought you had everything to do with it. I had to explain that you knew nothing of it, and I had to require that he not ask or tell you about it. He was confused, but he accepted that. And then, as I said, I forgot all about it. So . . ."
"What else did you ask of him?" I demanded. It was as if I had shot-him through the heart with my sharp words. His face whitened.