Casting Down Imaginations (33 page)

forty six

Anaya

I carried the heavy TV tray against my hip as I knocked on
Deacon’s bedroom door. It was early. I was sure he was still asleep, but I had
to wake him up in time to eat the French toast and egg omelet that I made for
him. I put coffee and orange juice on the tray also, because I didn’t know
which one he would have preferred.

“Knock , knock,” I said as I tapped on the door.

I heard him yawn. “Come in.”

I cracked open the door and stuck my head in. “You dressed?”

“Yeah, yeah,” he said, still half asleep. “You alright?”

“Uh huh. I got something for you,” I told him, and walked in.

“Whoa. What’s this?” he asked when he saw the tray.

“Something I made for you. I hope you like it.”

He sat up on the bed and straightened himself. “I hope I like
it, too. It looks delicious. When did you learn how to cook like this?”

“I been practicing.”

“I’ll say.”

I took the folded napkin off the tray and tucked it into the
front of his pajama shirt. “You still got these ratty PJs?”

He laughed. “I love these PJs. Thank you for making
breakfast, baby girl. I’m gon’ tear it up.”

I sat down on the edge of his bed and watched him eat. He was
halfway finished with it when he told me that he had a gift for me.

“What is it?” I asked, expecting a new sweater or a blouse.

“You gotta open it and see.”

“Where is it?”

“On the top shelf in my closet.”

I hopped up from the bed and got the present. It was wrapped
in shiny white paper.

“Can I open it now?”

He nodded.

I took the top off and removed the layers of tissue paper
that were on top. Underneath were a bunch of old notebooks and photo albums.

I was confused. “What’s this?”

“It belonged to your mother.”

I gasped. “What?”

I felt his uneasiness. “I was cleaning out my storage spot a
few months back downtown, and I found it. I packed it away years ago. When I
found it I thought I’d give it to you. Figured you’d want it.”

My chest heaved. “Oh, my God,” I said, realizing the value of
what I was holding. There had to be at least twenty notebooks in the box, and
photo albums and other books as well.

“Those are all of her old journals,” he told me. “Your mama
used to love to write.”

I picked one of them up and flipped through it. It was from
when she was in middle school.

“You kept all these?” I asked.

“Yeah. I knew that… she would want you to have them.”

I looked up to see the somberness of his face. He never ever
talked about my mother, and usually when I did he found some way to change the
subject. Bringing this box home for me was a difficult step for him.

“Thank you.”

“You’re welcome,” he said, and moved his tray to the side. “I
gotta get ready for work.”

I walked over to the bed and gave him a kiss on the cheek.
“Thank you.”

“What are you gonna do today while I’m at work?”

I held the box close to my chest. “I’m gonna read all these,”
I told him. “Probably make dinner for you.”

He gasped playfully. “What? You mean you’re not going to the
mall?”

I laughed. “No. I got enough clothes for right now.”

He gave me a hug. “Thanks for breakfast.”

“No problem,” I said. “Thank you. For this,” I said,
referring to the box in my hands.

“Stay out of trouble today,” he told me as he made his way to
the bathroom to take a shower. “And don’t burn the house down trying to cook.”

**********

I’d just finished reading one of my mother’s old journals
when I heard Deacon pull his car into the garage. I was in the middle of
cooking dinner and was hoping to have it finished by the time he got home from
work. Earlier I’d gone to the grocery store and also to the mall to get him a
gift. I had failed to get him something for his birthday earlier this year, and
after the generous gift he’d given me earlier, I had to repay him. I found the
perfect cashmere coat, and I got a good deal on it, along with a matching hat.
I was going to give it to him tonight at dinner so he could wear it to church
tomorrow. I knew he would get accolades of compliments on it.

“Hi, Deacon,” I beamed as he walked into the house.

He greeted me with a smile. “What’s that smell?” he asked,
taking a deep breath. “Smells good enough to eat in here.”

“That’s leg of lamb,” I answered. “I hope you don’t mind. I
took the grocery money from the cookie jar and went shopping for you. Figured
I’d make myself useful while I was here.”

His face was full of surprise. “Look at my baby,” he said.
“Growing up and being responsible. Who would have thought? I guess you were
serious when you said you were teaching yourself how to cook. I don’t think
I’ve ever had lamb.”

“Well good. You’ll love it. And I put my foot in it, so
anybody else’s you eat will be a disappointment, because you’ll always compare
everyone else’s to mine.”

He leaned over and pecked me on the forehead. “It better be
good, you talking this much noise.”

“It is, I promise.”

“Okay. Give me a few minutes to go change and shower. After
that, I’m all yours.”

“Alright, Deac.”

He went to the hall closet and hung up his jacket. “What you
do all day today? You get some studying done?”

“Humh?”

“Studying? I haven’t seen you pick up a book all week.”

Quick! Think of something to tell him! Hurry!

“Oh, yeah,” I laughed. “Studying. Yeah. I’m on vacation,
Deacon. I didn’t bring any. I just wanted to spend time with you.”

He frowned. “That’s sweet, but I hope that doesn’t come to
bite you in your behind later. You know you have to stay on top of your studies
if you want to stay ahead of your class.”

“And I have. I’m ahead in all of my classes. Don’t worry.
Everything will be fine.”

He looked doubtful, but still said “Okay. You’re an adult
now. I gotta remember that.”

I had to change the subject. “I got you something at the mall
today,” I said, and went to get the present that was waiting on him on the
kitchen table.

“Aaahhh, I knew you couldn’t stay away,” he laughed.

“I went for you, not me,” I told him, and presented him with
the wrapped gift.

“What you get me?” he asked jokingly, as if he were a spoiled
child on Christmas morning.

“Something. I hope you like it,” I said and the two of us sat
down at the table. I watched him unwrap the gift and pull the coat and matching
hat out. He lit up when he realized what it was, but the smile quickly faded
and worry came across his face.

“How did you pay for this?”

“You’re not supposed to ask me that,” I said, a vain attempt
at avoiding his question.

“I mean it, Anaya,” he said sternly. “Where did you get the
money to pay for this? This is a nice coat. I know it cost at least a hundred
dollars. Where’d you get the money?”

A hundred? He must not be able to recognize the real material
from the fake.

“Why does it matter?” I asked.

“Don’t play with me. I asked you a question and I expect you
to give me a direct answer.”

I knew he was serious. I stopped joking.

“Fine. I had a little money saved up from my job, and I
wanted to get you something nice since I missed your birthday,” I lied. “I was
just trying to find some kind of way to repay you for all the nice things
you’ve done for me over the years.”

There was silence. I knew guilt was running through his
veins. I hated to make him feel that way, but there was no way that I could
tell him the truth. He could never know about Jeff and Prestige and all of the
men I entertained.

“I’m sorry, baby girl,” he apologized. “I just worry about
you,” he said. “You’re all the way up there on that big campus by yourself.
Then you come up here all dolled up, with your hair and your nails and your
makeup. You look like a woman, and I must say you’re the best looking college
student I’ve ever seen in my life. You got your fancy clothes on… You’re
spending money like you make more than I do, and you only make minimum wage.”

“I like to save,” I lied again.

He nodded. “That’s something else that’s new about you, too,”
he said. “Before you would have your allowance spent before you even got it.”

“It’s different when you have to earn it yourself,” I said.

He studied me for a second. “You don’t have a boyfriend up
there, do you?” he asked.

“Deacon!”

“Because if you do, you can tell me. Is he the one giving you
all this money?”

“Deacon! No, I don’t have a boyfriend! I don’t have time for
one.”

He kept right on talking, like he didn’t even hear me.

“A man isn’t gonna do all this for you if you aren’t doing
anything in return for him,” he told me. “You aren’t sleeping around, are you?”

“DEACON!” I yelled, and jumped up from the table where I was
sitting. “Oh my God! I can’t believe you’re calling me a whore right to my
face!”

“I never called you a whore. I’m just looking out for you.
Where are you getting all this money?”

“I have a job!” I yelled at him over my shoulder. I was
already running upstairs to my room. “I can’t believe you!”

“Do you have a boyfriend?” he asked as he followed me.

“No!” I yelled, and ran into my room and slammed the door
behind me. “You told me I could never have one. Remember?”

“I’m sorry,” he apologized through the door. “I’m just trying
to look after you. You know, no matter how old you get, you’re gonna always be
my daughter.”

“Maybe that’s the problem,” I said to myself and flopped down
on my bed.

“Anaya, open this door. I want to talk to you.”

“I’m upset right now and don’t want to talk,” I told him.

He was quiet, but I knew he was still there.

“Thank you for the gift,” he said quite a while later. “I
really like it.”

“You’re welcome,” I muttered just loud enough for him to hear
me.

He waited a few more minutes. “And I never thought you were a
whore. Just so you know.”

I didn’t reply.

“You wanna come eat this wonderful dinner you made for me?”

“No thanks,” I said, and picked up one of my mom’s journals
from my bed. “I’m not that hungry anymore.”

I knew it hurt his feelings, but I didn’t have the heart to
look at him.

“Alright,” he said sadly. “I’ll be downstairs if you need
me.”

I heard his footsteps go down the hall, then turned my
attention to the journal in my hand. My mom’s life seemed like it was so
carefree. I wondered how she managed to spit out a trifling piece of mess like
me.

forty
seven

K
aren

“Where have you been, Terrance?” I asked him as he walked
through the front door.

His eyes widened when he saw me. I was sure he expected me to
be in bed fast asleep as I usually was when he crept in during the early hours
of the morning. But tonight I stayed up, and the fact that my repeated calls to
his cell phone had gone unanswered all night didn’t put me in the best of
moods.

“What you doing up so late, girl?” he asked.

I crossed my arms. “Answer my question, Terrance.”

He pouted. “I was just chillin’ with the fellas,” he told me.
“Is that alright wit’ you?”

I rolled my eyes as I blew out the candles on the kitchen
table. They’d burned all the way down to the holder while I waited for him to
come home, and the dinner that took two hours to make was now wrapped in
aluminum foil in the fridge. The whole night was just one more inconsiderate
antic of his. But, like a fool, I kept putting up with it.

“Why didn’t you answer your phone?”

“My phone? What, you tried to call me?”

“Don’t even try it, Terrance. You know I been trying to call
you all night.”

He pulled his cell phone out of his pocket and flipped it
open.

“Damn,” he said. “I see you called now. I must have left it
on vibrate from when I was in the library. I’m sorry, baby.”

“Yeah, you seem to be doing that a lot lately.”

He followed me into the living room and sat down next to me
on the couch. “You mad at me or something?”

I wanted to be, but I was too tired. If I told him yes, he
would remind me that I wasn’t his girlfriend and that he didn’t have to tell me
where he was at all times. If I told him no, he would tell me to stop acting
like I had a problem and to go to bed. I didn’t feel like hearing either reply
tonight.

“I don’t know, Terrance.”

He frowned. “What you mean, you don’t know?”

“I don’t know. You actin’ up, though.”

“What?”

I could tell an argument was about to start, and I really
didn’t want to go there. But I was fed up with his behavior. He kept telling me
that he loved me and wanted to be with me, but when I didn’t give him what he
wanted, he always pulled stunts like this. I just had to be bold and come right
out and ask him.

“You sexin’ somebody, Terrance?”

His mouth dropped open. “Karen!”

I jumped to my feet and stood in front of him. “Tell me the
truth!”

“Nawh, I ain’t sexin’ nobody!” he asserted. “You the one
that’s trippin’. Coming up in my face with that bull.”

“Well what am I supposed to think, Terrance? You leave the
house and won’t tell me where you’re going, then you come home late and say you
been with your friends. But I don’t know no dude that hangs out with so-called
friends every night until three o’clock in the morning unless they doing
something. You always hollerin’ ‘bout how you a man and you got needs. You
ain’t gettin’ it from me, so who you sexin’?”

He stood and walked into the kitchen. “I ain’t sittin’ here
listenin’ to this in my own house. You must have forgot who I was. This my
house you livin’ in. Don’t forget that, alright?”

I hated how he talked to me. One minute he could be so sweet,
the next he acted like I disgusted him. I never knew what side of him I was
going to get.

“Don’t talk crazy to me,” I yelled at him.

He opened the fridge and pulled out a bottled water. “Then
stop acting crazy.”

Angry, I ran across the kitchen and shoved him against the
counter.

“Hey, girl!” he scolded. “What the hell is your problem?”

“You!” I screamed. “You’re my problem!”

He set his water down on the counter and picked me up in his
arms.

“Put me down!” I screamed, but instead he carried me into the
living room and tossed me on the sofa.

“Sit in time out until you learn how to keep your hands to
yourself,” he instructed me. “I ain’t in the mood for no temper tantrums
tonight, okay?”

I tried to stand up but he pushed me down again.

“Sit down,” he told me.

“You can’t make me sit on this couch,” I sassed, and tried to
get up again.

Once again, he pushed me back down. “Watch me.”

We wrestled back and forth five or six times until I finally
gave up.

“I hate you,” I sassed in aggravation.

He chuckled. “I know you wish you could. That’s why you all
mad at me right now. ‘Cause you know you still love me, and you mad at yourself
because you wish you didn’t.”

I grunted, angry that he knew me so well. “I’m not in the
mood, Terrance.”

He laughed. “Alright, fine. But don’t be mad at me ‘cause you
ain’t wit’ me, ‘cause I gave you ample opportunity.”

I held my head down, feeling uneasy. I still needed to know
the truth. “Terrance, were you with another girl tonight?”

He sighed. “Why you wanna know?”

“’Cause I do. Were you, yes or no?”

There was a pause before he answered. “Yeah, man…”

“I knew it,” I grumbled under my breath and stood up to go to
my room. I didn’t want to talk to him any more or look at him for that matter.
I just wanted to be left alone.

“I didn’t say your time out was over yet,” he said, and
pushed me back down into the sofa.

I rolled over on the seat away from him. “I hate you,” I
said.

He gasped. “Watch your mouth, girl. I don’t like that
attitude.”

I shook my head, annoyed with him. “I got it from you.”

“Yeah. One more thing that I do wrong. Sorry I can’t be the
perfect man you want me to be.”

That struck a nerve. “What’s that supposed to mean?” I asked,
turning to face him.

“It means just that. You want me to be this perfect little
church boy, to do and act just like you say. But I’m a grown man.”

“Didn’t nobody say you wasn’t grown.”

“No, but you keep tryin’ to change me.”

“I have never tried to change you.”

“Yes, you have, but I won’t let you, because I’m a man, and I
make my own decisions, and I’m not gon’ let you or nobody else dictate the way
I live my life. Quit trying to control me.”

I sat up, becoming angrier at him. “Since when have I tried
to control you, Terrance?”

“You do it all the time!” he insisted. “Here I am, tryin’ my
hardest to be wit’ you ‘cause I love you, and you gon’ tell me I gotta go to
church to be wit’ you. Like them phony people down there got anything to do
with what we got going on.”

“First of all, I never said that you had to be a certain way,
Terrance. I just let it be known that I have standards.”

“I got standards, too. Did you ever think about that?”

“Yeah right. What standards could you possibly have? You
obviously don’t have none if you’ll get with a girl who will let you stay at
her place til’ three o’clock in the morning.”

“Kind of how I do with you when you sleep in the bed with me,
huh?”

I was silent. He put me in my place with that one, but he
didn’t have to be so rude about it.

“I’m sorry,” he apologized, seeing that his words offended
me.

“No, you’re not,” I whispered, about ready to cry. “That was
a low blow.”

“Yes, I am. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it like that. You just
pushed me to it.”

“Oh yeah. It’s my fault. And I guess it’s my fault you spent
most of the night with some other female because I wouldn’t have sex with you.
You’re so full of it.”

He leaned over and tried to hug me, but I pushed him away.

“I said I was sorry,” he told me. “What more do you want me
to say?”

“I want you to tell me who you were with tonight.”

His face fell. “Why you wanna know all that?”

“’Cause I do.”

“What difference does it make? All you need to know is that I
wasn’t here with you.”

A chill went through me. “Is it somebody I know? You tryin’
to protect somebody?”

“I ain’t got nothing to hide. I just wanna know why you wanna
know.”

“Because I wanna know.”

“I ain’t gon’ tell you, ‘cause it ain’t none of your
business.”

“If you didn’t sex her you ain’t got nothing to hide. All
y’all did was hang out, right?”

His eyebrows went up, surprised I was playing hardball with
him. He seemed to be up for the challenge, though.

“Alright, fine,” he gave in. “You wanna act like a big girl
and everything, like I’m yo’ man or something. Fine, I’ll tell you. I was with
Christy.”

Christy?

I searched my brain, trying to figure out where I heard that
name before. I almost threw up when I remembered.

“That ho from the gym that day?”

“Hey, hey,” he calmed me. “Watch that language. She ain’t no
ho.”

I pushed him. “Are you defending her?” I asked, outraged.

“No, I’m just… I don’t know. Why you actin’ crazy?”

“Because you left me here all alone to be with that skank!” I
yelled, and pushed him again.

“Hey girl. Stop puttin’ your hands on me.”

I sat on my hands to keep from hitting him. “How could you,
Terrance?”

He shrugged. “I don’t know what you expect from me, Karen.”

“I expect for you to treat me right.”

“I do. I put you up in my place, I helped your mama out when
she needed me. I treat you real nice. I take you out and everything. But you
want me to act like I’m your man, and I can’t do that. I can only be me.”

“I can only be me, too,” I explained. “What am I supposed to
think about us, Terrance, if you keep treating me like I’m your girlfriend?”

“I want you to be my girlfriend,” he told me. “I wanna be
wit’ you, you know I do. But a man can only take being rejected for so long
before…”

I know he’s not about to say what I think he’s about to say.

“Before what, Terrance?”

“Before he goes elsewhere,” he confessed.

I sighed, not happy with his answer.

“I’m just tryin’ to be real wit’ you,” he explained. “Just
like you gotta do you, I gotta do me.”

I shook my head. “But if you really love me the way you say
that you do, shouldn’t that love be enough?”

He opened his moth to say something, but then stopped.

“What is it?” I asked.

He hesitated. “I thought it would be,” he admitted. “And I
wish it was, for your sake. But like I already told you, I got needs, too, baby
girl.”

I grunted. “So it’s all about sex?”

He scooted closer to me. “No, it’s not all about sex. It’s
about love, and when you love someone you accept them for who they really are.
I’m not celibate. You are. And I’m telling you I can’t roll like that. I accept
you being celibate, but you don’t accept me being the way I am. Now, if you
wanna be wit’ me, you gotta be willin’ to compromise.”

My mouth gaped open.
“Compromise how?”

“Just relax a little bit. Don’t be so uptight.”

I sucked my teeth. “Terrance, I don’t recall having a relationship
with God being uptight.”

“Okay, okay. But you don’t have to be so high strung about
it. You’re like a damn nun!”