Casualties of Love (13 page)

              Over the past weeks, he’d spent nearly every day with Jessica...and every night. When he didn’t see her, he wanted to see her and he worried about her. Whiskeys didn’t sit on the sidelines. They were embedded with their units. Sometimes they had to fight. And when they were treating the wounded, if whoever as watching their backs wasn’t on their game, they were vulnerable. He knew that if something happened to her it would seriously fuck him up. 

              When she finished tending to him, Jessica patted his leg and leaned over to give him a quick kiss. She seemed to catch herself right after the impromptu affection. It wasn’t that they hadn’t been intimate; they had exchanged much more than kisses on numerous occasions. But, all of those times had been in his room, in private. At the moment, they were at the military hospital, and in plain view of others.

              “I’m sorry. That was careless,” she said in a low voice as she stood to trash the old bandages.

              “No worries. I don’t think anybody’s paying attention,” he said. He knew she was worried about what people would think. He should be too, for that matter. Some would question an officer and an enlisted fraternizing. But, he was mere seconds from pulling her into his lap, so Tyson really couldn’t really muster concern that she instinctively showed him affection. 

              Tyson put his pants on over his shorts and they finished up in the infirmary to walk about the base for a while. He was on crutches just so he wouldn’t tire the leg out. He actually got around pretty well these days. Jessica kept pace with him and asked how he was dealing with Collins leaving the team. Collins had been sent home the week before. He talked about his worries with her and it felt good to unload, to have someone to talk things over with. She empathized with him over his team’s losses. It helped him that she understood that he just needed to say it, but didn’t want to talk through every emotion. It helped that she offered a soft touch or would lean into him. He talked to Marcus all the time. They talked through their fears, but Marcus couldn’t provide the softness that he got from Jessica. Tyson never even realized he needed it until she was there to give it. He wondered if this was what it would have been like for him and Jess if they’d stayed together. Easy. No hard work to be together, to be comfortable and comforted. Just easy.

              They stopped for a bit, each looking out past the boundaries of base over the desert terrain. It was just about dusk. The sun looked huge, close enough to touch and the sky was a fiery blend of orange and gold. It was an alluring sight, beautiful, an idiosyncratic match to the violence that took place just beyond the range of their sight. She was very quiet and Tyson wondered about it. After a while he asked her what was wrong.

              “I leave in a few weeks. Six weeks, actually. My tour will be up,” she said to him in a soft voice.

              Tyson had avoided the thought of when their respective tours would be up. He didn’t know what to say, so he was silent. No matter that they enjoyed each other, kept ending up in bed together, Tyson wasn’t sure where their...What should he call it? Was it a relationship? He wasn’t sure it could be classified as such when they purposely avoided discussing it or the issues they hadn’t yet dealt with. Whatever it was, he didn’t know where it was leading. Jessica seemed to sense his hesitation to label it. She kept things casual, no pressure. She made no assumptions and, for Tyson, that had been all good so far.  But he had to admit that the thought of her disappearing on him again was unsettling. At least she was telling him, he thought. Then, he remembered she had told him the last time she’d left.

              He turned toward her. She wasn’t looking at him, was still gazing out at the sunset view.

              “You don’t have to say anything, Tyson,” she said. Apparently, she’d read him accurately. He didn’t know how to respond.

              “Don’t I?” Tyson’s voice was harder than he expected. Shit. He was angry. He didn’t understand his anger.

              “No,” she said simply, not reacting to his tone.

“Then why mention it?”

“Because I wanted you to know,” Jessica stated. She turned to face him.

“So, this is another head’s up that you’ll be walking away from me again? Just a little more notice this time, I guess,” Tyson said sharply.

“I’m not walking away. My twelve months are almost up. The Army will send me home.”

“Home to Texas,” he said.

“Yes, back to...”

“Did you plan to keep in touch this time or fade out again?” He cut her off.

“I’ll do whatever you want,” she said to him. And that just served to piss him off more. He couldn’t explain it, didn’t know what the hell was wrong with him, but he was mad. He tried to calm down; knew that he should but he couldn’t.

“Oh, so I get to choose this time? I should feel lucky,” he said sarcastically.

“Tyson, I haven’t...pressed to know what’s going on between us. I figure I don’t have the right to do that. I know I shut you out before. I’m sorry. I should have apologized before now.
I’m sorry
. For how you felt, for what happened to us, all of it. But, be honest. You don’t want to commit to anything that might be between us...other than the sex. So, as much as I want...” Jessica paused. “Yeah, it is up to you.”

              “And, if I say, it’s done? Then what?”

              “Then...it is,” her voice was nearing a whisper.

              “Damn you, Jessica. You’ll just let it go all over again. What does any of this mean to you? You sleep with me; take better care of me than the damn doctors. But you’ll just walk away again like it’s nothing. No doubt without telling me anything about what went down the first time you skipped out.”

              “Tyson, that’s not how I...”

              “What? Not how you meant it?” he interrupted her again. “I think it’s exactly how you meant it. I’m not interested in a do-over of you checking out.” Tyson gave a harsh laugh. “Hell, why wait the six weeks? Just end it now.”

              “Is that what you want?”

              “What do
you
want, Jessica?”

“I...,” she started and faltered.

Tyson watched as her eyes searched his. He didn’t know what she was looking for and wasn’t sure he’d give it to her even if he knew. He didn’t understand why she couldn’t or wouldn’t just talk to him.

“No worries, Jessica. I’ll make this easy.” Tyson ignored the hurt he thought he might have seen in Jessica’s eyes and the hurt he was certain was ripping its way through his gut. He walked away.

******

              Jessica stood outside the door to Tyson’s room. She wasn’t debating on whether to knock or walk away. She knew she’d be going in. She was deliberating over what to say. Jessica knew he was angry because she didn’t answer his question, but she hadn’t known if she should say what she really wanted to say. There were no promises between them, no flowery words of love. They weren’t dating or building something deeper. They were having sex. Sex in the middle of war in Afghanistan, which really was no time or place to rehash what used to be between them. Jessica had little doubt that when they left the dessert and reality set in that their perspectives would be vastly different.

What do you want, Jessica?

The answer was so simple though it was couched within the complexity of their relationship...such that it was. What she wanted was the only thing she’d ever wanted besides being in the military. She wanted him. She wanted Tyson. From the first time they’d touched, she had wanted him. Truthfully, it had started even before that. By the time they shared their very first kiss, she was hooked and nothing and no one could compare to him. But how would that go over when she still hadn’t been honest with him? Was still...afraid to talk with him about it. Jessica hadn’t a clue, but she was determined to tell him what she felt right now, this very instant. What she’d felt from the moment she’d laid eyes on him again.

It had been a few hours since he’d walked away. Jessica had stood where she was for long minutes. Unable to take her eyes of the achingly beautiful sunset, lest they give way to the tears she wanted to shed. Unable to un-root herself from the spot for fear he’d just continue to walk away if she opened up to him. But after a while she had simply felt the time was wasted. It was wasted time added on to the years that she’d already spent regretting their separation. Time not spent in his arms, in his bed, as part of his life. And she was disgusted with herself about it all over again. And that really settled the debate, didn’t it. How much longer would she waste time wishing for something she now had a chance to fight for? Even if he didn’t care to hear what she had to say, or even if he chose not to believe it, she would say it. She would say it and then she’d spend the rest of her time with him in Afghanistan making him know she meant it. Everything that she wanted was on the other side of the door she faced.

Jessica knocked and waited. Tyson didn’t answer but she could hear him moving toward the door. The door opened to the inside.

“What?” he said. His tone was neither angry nor pleasant. It was just flat, tired even.

“Can I come in?” she asked. Rather than answer, he moved back from the doorway. Jessica took that as her “ok” to enter and slipped past him into his room. She walked toward the center before turning back to him. Tyson stood with his back to the door. He was watching her in silence, hands slack by his side. Jessica wondered how to begin, how to start off the conversation she wanted to have with him. Maybe it was best to simply plow ahead.

“You asked me a question,” she started then realized she wasn’t looking at him but around him. She forced her gaze to meet his and continued. “You asked me what I want. I want you. I’ve wanted you from...from the first time I ever saw you. From that very first day at West Point when all the rest of us were wondering what the hell we’d done, you stood there looking like you owned the place. You were certain, so sure of yourself and your place there.  I’ve wanted you since the first time we kissed, and every day since the first time you made love to me.  You made me feel like a woman. You made me feel like I was the only woman in the world. I wanted you when you called again and again to tell me you missed me, that you loved me.” Jessica watched as Tyson closed his eyes and let out a ragged sigh, but she didn’t stop.  She stepped closer to him. “I wanted you when you stopped calling, when I didn’t hear from you again. I wanted you when I missed you so much it hurt, when I wished I could change the way things were, even when I knew I’d lost my chance to fix it. I’ve wanted you since I found you in the middle of the battlefield.” Jessica moved until she was barely inches from Tyson, directly in front of him. His eyes were taking her in again.

“Jessica,” he said her name, sounded tortured by it. She kept her eyes on his.

“I want you
now
. You, just you. More than anything.”

Jessica’s hands went to Tyson’s chest. She felt his deep intake of breath and the release of tension as he slowly let the air out. She smoothed her hands upward to curve her fingers around his thick neck.

“I want you, Tyson, and I always will. And I don’t mean sex. I’ve made mistakes. I owe you explanations and answers that I don’t even know how to begin to give. I don’t know how to make things right or even if you care for me to try. All I know is that I want you and that nothing will change that.”

Jessica leaned into Tyson’s hard body. She inched up on her toes and softly pressed her lips to his. Her heart screamed “I love you”, though she didn’t say the words.

“You are what I want, Tyson,” she whispered against his firm lips. “Always.”

She lingered, brushing his mouth with light pressure until she felt his big hands grip the sides of her hips. Tyson pulled her into him and commandeered the kiss. His tongue plunged into her mouth, and Jessica moaned at the erotic invasion. He gave no quarter, plundering and taking. Jessica’s fingers dug into Tyson’s neck as she reveled in his takeover. She clung to him almost desperate to be pulled under the wave of need he invoked in her.

Jessica felt Tyson turn them. She felt the hard door at her back and the solidity of his body against the front of her. Every hard plane of his large frame was molded to her softer form. Tyson shoved his hand up the back of her shirt; his warm, rough hands skated across the skin of her back. He unhooked her bra and then pushed the garments up on her body. He moved back from her just enough to rip the shirt and bra off and fling them to the side. Tyson was immediately against her again. He quickly dipped his knees and Jessica groaned as he centered himself at her core. Hard, thick, heavy. He was more than ready to take her.

He was shoving at her pants; she was fumbling with his. All the while he sucked at her lips and her tongue. Tyson kissed her senseless. Jessica’s only thoughts were of him – of his mouth on hers, of his hands roaming her body, of his heat calling out to her. She almost swooned when he breached the barrier of her pants and slipped his fingers between her wet folds. The pleasure rolled through her body in shivers.

“Wet for me, Jess.” His voice was rough, like gravel scraping over rock. His words ramped up Jessica’s need.

“Yes,” she breathed out.

“Say it. Tell me,” he demanded. His palm was pressed to her mound. His fingers were embedded in her warmth.

“I’m wet for you. Only for you,” she said to him. He rewarded her with a deep stroke of his hand. Jessica whimpered and renewed her efforts to get the pants down his hips. When she had them open and his boxers pushed down she wrapped a hand around his thick erection. He growled against her mouth and pressed himself into her palm. He was hot and hard and she wanted him so bad she ached.

Surprising her, he shifted quickly and grabbed her just below her buttocks. Then Tyson used his strength to lift her from the floor. She had a fleeting thought of his thigh, but it was quickly drowned by the pleasure that swamped her when he ground into her. Her legs went around his trim waist and she held on with her arms around his shoulders. Tyson shifted again. Jessica’s back went against the door again and faster than she could comprehend, he positioned himself and slammed into her body.  Jessica cried out and then couldn’t catch her breath. He moved within her immediately, struck with a precision and urgency that swept her up into a storm of sensations.