Cat (6 page)

jiggling too much!' he cried and they all roared. It
seemed no one could stop the roller coaster. He held
me tighter and tighter and soon I could see the faces
of the other two boys change a little. They stopped
laughing and suddenly looked intensely interested in
me. Kelly, Talia, and Jill drew closer to each other
and watched, whispering. What were they all looking
at? I wondered, and then gazed down and saw that
Frankie had his hand in my blouse. One of the buttons
of my blouse had come undone and he was undoing
another and another.
"For a moment even I was confused about it.
Then his fingers lifted the underside of my bra and
exposed my breast.
"'Let's see if everything's all right,' he declared. "'Stop!' I screamed and pulled away, but when I
rose, I stumbled into Tony's arms, only instead of
catching me, he put his hands on my bosom and held
me up that way, his left hand smack over my naked
breast.
"'It's all right. Yeah,' he declared. Everyone was
laughing, even the girls.
"'My turn!' Michael said coming up behind me.
'There's enough for all of us.'
"He reached over and cupped my breasts,
lifting my bra off the left side, too, and pulled me
back against him I lost my footing and slid down his
body to the floor. Everyone kept laughing, but I
started crying and that finally ended it.
"The girls took me to the bathroom where I
threw up. They helped me clean up and kept assuring
me it was all right and the boys would behave now. I
had such a splitting headache, but all I could think
was my mother would find out everything. I went into
a crying jag.
"The boys left shortly afterward, maybe
because they were afraid of getting in trouble, and
things quieted down. Kelly's parents came home. Her
father looked a little suspicious when he saw me
sitting in practically a coma on the bed, but he didn't
ask any questions, even though I imagined I looked
very pale. The girls assured me they couldn't smell
any rum on me. I went outside with Kelly and Talia
and took deep breaths of air until I felt well enough to
chance calling my mother.
"'I hope you don't say anything about this,'
Kelly warned me. 'You'll get me in a lot of trouble and
you'll only get yourself in trouble, too.'
"'You should have told me what was going to
happen,' I scolded.
"'Don't be a prude,' Talia said. 'You had a good
time, didn't you?'
"I remember looking at her as if she was crazy.
Boys had molested me. I had thrown up. I had a good
time?
" 'No,' I said sullenly.
"I was so frightened when my mother came, I
don't know how I walked out and got into the car. 'How was the dinner?' she asked immediately.
"'Very nice,' I said.
"'Did they serve fish?'
"'No,' I said. At least that wasn't a lie. "'And did you behave? Did you follow all the
rules of etiquette? Oh, did they start with grace?' she
asked quickly before I could answer her other
questions.
"I thought for a moment and said, 'Yes. It all
happened the way you told me it might.'
"It was dark in the car so she wasn't able to
search my eyes and see the deception. I bit down on
my lip and held my breath in anticipation.
"However, she liked hearing she was right to
teach me all about dinner etiquette and such and for the remainder of the ride home, she congratulated
herself on being wise enough to prepare me well. "'Your father wouldn't know the first thing
about it,' she told me, 'despite his sophistication in
business.
When he saw all I had done for you, he laughed
and thought it was ridiculous. Now he'll see,' she said
nodding. 'Now we'll see how smug he is.'
"When we arrived home, I was able to go right
upstairs, claiming I was tired. She didn't question it.
She was too eager to tell my father how well she had
prepared me for the dinner. I crawled into bed as
quickly as I could. When I thought about what had
happened, I cried. How embarrassing it was and how
terrible it was that the other girls didn't come to my
defense. It was almost as if I had been invited there
just to be abused. When would I ever have a real
friend, someone who cared about me and my feelings? "It made me feel so dirty to recall their hands
over me. I think that was a major reason why my
stomach turned over and I got so sick, that and the
rum. How much had I drunk? Did the girls know what
the boys were doing to me and let them?"
"I wish we knew you then," Star piped up. "I'd
pay them a visit for you."
"Very immature behavior," Jade commented. "It was cruel," Misty agreed.
"The hardest thing about having something
unpleasant happen to you is having no one to tell at
the time," I told them. "It festers like a sore, an
infection; it buzzes around in your head and your
heart. I tossed and turned and fretted through
nightmares for nights after that and I couldn't face the
other girls at school. I knew they were talking about
me, spreading stories, exaggerating, claiming I had
gotten drunk and exposed myself in front of the boys
and embarrassed them. Kelly avoided me and I felt
even worse because of the way some of the other girls
were now looking at me."
"Why would they lie about her like that?" Misty
asked Jade.
"To protect themselves in case she did tell
someone the truth. Right?" Jade asked Star.
"Sounds like it. I would have pulled out their
tongues at that point," Star said.
"It would only make them look right," Jade
asserted.
"Maybe because of the way things were at
school, my nightmares continued. I had no appetite at
dinner, but I had to force myself to eat so my mother wouldn't ask any questions. The hardest thing was she kept asking me about Kelly's parents, the house, things they said, and I had to make up as much as I could. I got away with it because I told my mother I had followed her directions and not asked too many questions. I kept thinking, Soon, soon she's going to realize I'm lying and the whole horrible thing will
come out.
"That gave me even more nightmares. Many
nights I would find myself awake, practically sitting
up, listening to the scream die in my throat. In dreams
I felt spiders crawling over me, dozens and dozens of
them. They covered my breasts and reached as high as
my chin.
"When I was a little girl and I had bad dreams,
my mother would sometimes come to see me, but she
never held me or kissed me. Instead, she tried to teach
me how to block out unpleasantness. She told me to
count until I was so tired, I would fall asleep again.
Reluctantly, because I begged her, she would leave a
light on in the bathroom.
"One night nearly two weeks after the
disastrous party at Kelly's and all the questions and
lying, I heard my door open and close and my father
stood in the darkness at my bedside.
"'What's wrong?' he asked 'I thought I heard
you cry out when I came up from getting myself a
glass of milk.'
"He did that if he ever had any trouble sleeping.
He once told me that sometimes numbers from the
stock market keep playing as if he had a ticker tape
machine in his head as soon as he closed his eyes. "I just turned my head into the pillow until I felt
his hand on my shoulder and felt him sit on my bed. "'Something wrong with my special girl?' he
asked. I couldn't help myself. I started to cry again.
He stroked my hair and waited.
" 'What is it?' he asked. 'You can tell me. Did
someone do something or say something that upset
you?'
"'Yes,' I admitted in a small voice.
"'Yes what?' he demanded. 'It's better you tell
me,' he added.
"I swallowed down my tears and quietly told
him what had happened at Kelly's house. He listened
without speaking, but I could feel his eyes fixed
firmly on me, even in the dark.
"'Is it my fault?' I wanted to know. 'Am I bad?' "'No, no,' he said, and then he leaned over and
put his lips to my ear and added, 'There's good touching and bad. You shouldn't be afraid of the good
or be ashamed of it.
"'Boys who grope girls are bad. It doesn't make
you feel good inside, right?'
"'No,' I agreed. He was definitely right about
that, and if he was right about that, why wouldn't he
be right about the rest of it?
"'Good touching is gentle, soft,' he said and as
he spoke, he showed me.
"'Close your eyes,' he said. 'That's it. You
shouldn't be afraid to sleep,' he whispered. His hands
were under my nightgown and he moved his fingers
softly, gently over me as he chanted, 'Be still, be
happy. See, this is good touching It's like petting a
dog or a cat,' he said, 'and you know how that pleases
them. See, it's pleasing you. You'll sleep now.' "His touching didn't relax me. It felt like a tense
wire was coiling tighter and tighter inside my
stomach. His hands were soft, gentle, but they were
moving everywhere, and it made me even more
nervous than I already had been.
"'Easy,' he said when I tried to squirm away.
'You've got to relax your body and not be afraid of
good feelings.'
"I kept myself as still as I could.
"'That's it,' he said. 'That's better. See?' "My body felt tense. I tried to keep my eyes
closed and go to sleep, but it was hard to relax with
him still touching me. Finally, he stopped and stood
up.
"'Good night,' he whispered. 'We'll keep it all
secret,' he promised. 'All that's happened will be part
of our big special secret. Don't worry. Your mother
doesn't have to know. It would only upset her anyway
and we don't want to do that, do we? Cathy?' "He needed to hear my answer. My voice
cracked, but I managed.
"'No,' I said. My heartbeat was so quick, I
couldn't catch my breath.
"Moments later, he was gone and I fell into a
pool of confusion, my body in a turmoil and yet, I was
happy I was still able to be my daddy's special girl,
happy I wasn't a bad girl in his eyes."
I paused. The three were so still, their eyes
unmoving, their lips frozen.
"Well," Doctor Marlowe said after a moment,
"why don't we take another break and I'll see about
lunch."
No one moved; no one spoke.
"Anyone need to go to the bathroom or
anything?"
"I do," Misty said rising. She looked at me.
"Unless you have to go first."
"No, I'm fine," I said.
The rain had started. The wind blew drops
against the window and they zigzagged their way
down like crooked tears. When I looked back at Jade,
she was staring at the floor. Star was gazing out the
window. She looked so deep in thought it made my
heart skip a beat. Their silence was louder than the
thunder rolling in from the storm.
Despite feeling somewhat drained, I still
thought I could do this. Doctor Marlowe had brought
me to this stage in my therapy, holding my hand,
consoling me and building my confidence until I
thought it would be all right, but as I looked at the
others, I suddenly wondered, can they do it? What
nightmares and fears had I stirred in their vaults of
horrid memories?
The four of us were chained together by our
pain now, and the trembling one felt reached through
the hearts of the next and the next and the next until
we all trembled together. Was it good to share or was
it cruel?
Every question raised another.
Answers taunted us with promises just like
beautiful fish beneath the water, and when we reached
too quickly or too deeply, they were gone in a flash,
leaving us waiting, searching, hoping for another
opportunity.
How could we not be afraid they would never
come back, even to taunt us?

"I hate days like this," Jade said after a long moment of silence. "I know it hardly rains here compared to most other places, and I guess I'm spoiled, but I can't stand this dreary weather."

"I don't mind it so much," Misty said. "Unless it's day after day."
"Granny hates it because it stirs up her aches and pains," Star said.
"Too many days look gray and gloomy to me without the clouds and rain," Jade admitted.
"It's not that bad," Misty insisted. Jade didn't like to be contradicted.
"I suppose if you live like a child in a fantasy world, it doesn't matter," she said, fixing her gaze on Misty.
"I don't live in a fantasy world and I don't live like a child."
"We all do," I said and they turned to me. "I mean, if you aren't happy with things, you daydream a lot, don't you? I do," I confessed. "And you've all described doing it in one way or another, too."
"Cat's right," Star said, nodding. She glanced at Jade. "There's no point lying to each other just because everyone else lies to us."
"I spend a lot of time in my room, alone, just . . . dreaming," I told them, "a lot of time. That's what made my parents want me to see Doctor Marlowe in the first place. I hated stepping out the front door, hated going to school, just hated leaving the house at all. I missed a lot of school, claiming headaches and stomach cramps or just being too tired. It got so bad the nuns were talking to my mother about getting me a home tutor, and you know how much she would hate having a stranger in our home every day."
"Do you have a nice house?" Misty asked.
"It's okay, but it's nothing like this. We've got a good size backyard: The property's walled-in with oleander bushes growing up the walls to give us lots of privacy. My mother's always planting something that will close it in more. Mostly it's just grass and a couple of grapefruit and lemon trees. My father used to talk about building a pool. My mother would ask, 'What for?' and he would look at her as if he was giving it lots of thought and then say, `To swim in.'
"'It's too much work,' my mother muttered, 'and with your schedule, who's going to do it?'
"He said he would hire someone just like everyone else he knew who had a pool, but the discussion usually ended with that and nothing was ever done.
"I used to think if we had a pool, I could invite some girls over, but then I thought, what kind of bathing suit would my mother approve? Certainly not a bikini, and who would I invite anyway and suppose I found some girls who would come and they wore bikinis Mother would ask them to leave."
"Well, if you invited friends over now, you could hang out in your bedroom, right?" Misty asked, and I wondered if she would ever want to visit.
"I suppose. You all would probably think my room was too plain. I don't have any posters or pictures up. It's probably not as big as yours or Jade's, but at least it has two big windows that face east so I get the morning sunlight. I have a pinkish gray rug and a double bed with a mahogany headboard and two posts at the foot of the bed. Beside the mirror and dresser, I have my desk, another dresser and bookshelves built into the wall. I don't have a television set or a phone in the room. My mother would never permit either. She says they're both bad influences on young people."
"It sounds like you're trapped in a cage," Jade muttered.
"Oh, our house isn't that small. We have a good size living room with a fireplace and large panel windows that face the west so there's lots of afternoon sunshine. Mother hung thick drapes to block it out when she wants to. The kitchen is big. My mother likes to cook and bake. I wouldn't call her a gourmet cook like you have, Jade, but she's good at making traditional meals and pies. That was one thing my father always complimented, her food. He was a meat and potatoes man."
"So he married her for her cooking and money, is that it?" Jade asked dryly.
"Didn't they fall in love first?" Misty followed quickly.
"I never actually came out and asked either of them when or how they fell in love. I guess I never felt they had and the little I did learn about their past convinced me I was right. They didn't date and have a romance like your parents or Jade's. My mother's father actually met my father first. He started to invest with him He either mentioned my mother or introduced him to her one day and that was how they got to know each other.
"My mother didn't have a job and never went to college. When I asked her why not once, she told me there wasn't anything she wanted to be. She was an okay student, but not very ambitious, I guess I think it upset my grandfather. From the little my mother has told me, I don't think they had a good relationship because he was so critical of her, telling her she would be a spinster and amount to nothing if she remained at home, just helping her mother with the housework and the meals.
"Sometimes;-I got the feeling she got married to stop my grandfather's criticism. It wasn't exactly an arranged marriage, but my grandfather seems to have had a lot to do with it. She keeps her wedding album practically hidden away on a shelf in the living room. I used to look at it occasionally. She doesn't look bright and happy in her wedding pictures; it's more like she's going through the motions, doing something that has to be done, but something without passion and excitement. It doesn't look like a special day for her.
"It would have to be something very special for me," I said. "I mean, you should just glow in your wedding pictures, don't you think? The photographer shouldn't even need flashbulbs because your face is so lit up, right? I'd love to be fulfilled and loved by someone who made me so happy I glowed."
Misty laughed. Jade smiled and shook her head, and Star raised her eyebrows and nodded.
"No," I continued considering their questions more, "I don't think my parents ever felt that way about each other or had time for love, not the way you talked about your own parents and their romances," I told them. "When I asked my mother where they went on their honeymoon, she told me they just went straight home.
"'There was plenty to do to set it up,' she said, 'and there was no point in wasting money on some overpriced vacation where they charge you twice the price for everything you can get at home.' "
"If she thinks like that, she'll never go anywhere," Jade said.
"She doesn't. Don't you remember what Cat told us about taking trips?" Star pointed out.
"Have you lived in the same house all your life?" Misty asked.
"Yes. My mother is not one who likes change, even small changes like wallpaper or rugs, much less a move to another house. Lots of times now, I wish we would move. The house seems stained with bad memories for me, and as long as we're there, I can't help but imagine my father is still there."
"Did you ever ask her why they adopted you?" Jade asked. "I know you told us that you didn't think they had sex much, if at all after your mother lost the baby, but it still doesn't explain why they would adopt you, or anyone for that matter."
"No. Like I told you, my adoption was something I discovered just recently, after . . . after other stuff happened. It's hard for my mother to talk about it right now."
"Hard for her to talk about it?" Jade cried with indignation. "They always act like they're the ones who are suffering, like we can endure the pain because we're young. Nothing scars us; nothing really hurts us. We'll outgrow it, even betrayals and broken promises. Hard for her? Your mother hasn't got a right to be more upset than you. Don't let her get away with it," she advised. "Ask her anything you want and insist on an answer. You deserve it."
"Yeah, if she refuses to tell you what you want, threaten to wear lipstick and eye shadow," Star suggested.
Misty laughed and I smiled, and we were all laughing when Doctor Marlowe returned. She looked very pleased.
"Well, I hope you all are hungry. As usual, Emma has gone overboard with lunch."
They all looked at me to see what I wanted and what I would say.
"I guess I am hungry," I said.
Anyway, I thought, I'll need my strength if I'm to go on with my story.
Lunch was truly a break for us I think they needed it as much as I did. We talked about
everything but our home life and our parents and the things that had brought us here in the first place. However, I wasn't anywhere as up-to-date as any of them when it came to movies and music.
"I don't know how you listen to that hip-hop," Jade told Star. "It's so monotonous."
"It is not. You haven't given it a chance. That's why you say that. Who do you like?"
"I like Barry Manilow," Misty admitted. "I do," she insisted, "and I've even been to three of his concerts."
"What about you, Cat?" Jade asked me.
"I guess I like everything or whatever I get to hear, that is. My mother hates me listening to any music too long. She thinks it hurts my schoolwork."
"Get earphones and she won't even know when you're listening," Star suggested.
Doctor Marlowe sat off to the right eating and listening to us without comment. I wondered if the others ever got the feeling we were all under some giant microscope, all being observed and studied. Maybe someday we would get together somewhere else, without therapists or parents, and be free to talk about all this, free to talk without anyone looking at us and studying us.
Or maybe when today ended, we wouldn't see each other ever again. Maybe just the sight of one of us would bring back all the bad memories and they would look for ways to avoid the rest of us, especially me, I thought, especially after I'm finished with my whole story.
I almost didn't feel like going on when lunch was over and we returned to the office. Why not leave it at this? I wondered. I had already gone further than I had expected. Wasn't Doctor Marlowe satisfied?
One look at her face told me no, told me she wanted me to tell them the worst, if not today, than maybe tomorrow, and if I didn't, it would fester and irritate inside me, just as I had told them it would.
They waited for me to begin again. I sucked in my breath and started.
"When I was in the tenth grade, my school sent a letter home with every high school student announcing that the school was sponsoring an annual dance with an all-boys parochial school. The dance was described in detail, when it would start, what food would be served, what we were permitted to wear and not wear, and how well it was going to be chaperoned by the sisters. There was some statement about the importance of healthy, clean social activities and how the dance was an important learning experience for young people. This way we would have something decent to measure the wrong sort of activities against. Parents were actually encouraged to permit their daughters to attend.
"My mother wasn't happy about it, but she was trapped by the fact that the school she admired was promoting it. I recall my father finally offering a firm opinion about something involving me.
"'The way this is described,' he pointed out after dinner one night, 'it will actually be another learning experience. I should think you'd want her to be in a controlled, healthy environment for something like this, Geraldine.'
"My mother pressed her upper lip over her lower and stared at the schooldance announcement as if it were a warrant for my arrest rather than a social affair.
"'She'll need a new dress,' she said in a discouraging tone of voice.
"'So? Get her a new dress,' my father said.
"I sat there practically holding my breath. He winked at me and I felt wonderful. My heart was in a pitter- patter just anticipating the preparations.
"'The styles these days are so . . . awful. It's hard to get anything decent,' my mother complained.
"'I'm sure you can find something, somewhere, Geraldine,' he told her, refusing to give in like he usually did. He could see how important this was to me and he was playing my knight in shining armor.
"My mother looked at the announcement again and then at me. I could see she was relenting.
"
'I suppose you'll want to wear lipstick, won't you?' she asked me.
"'All the girls her age do,' my father said quickly. 'On occasion, there's nothing wrong with it, Geraldine. As long as she doesn't overdo it,' he added.
"I couldn't believe how firmly he was coming to my aid, speaking up for me.
"'Girls get into trouble so easily these days,' my mother muttered. 'One small thing leads to another Rod then a bigger thing and before you know it, they're pregnant.'
"'Oh, I suppose you and I can make sure that something like that doesn't happen to our special little girl,' he said glancing and smiling at me again. When he said, 'special little girl,' my heart skipped a beat and I think I even blushed.
"My mother's eyebrows rose but fortunately, she was staring at him and not me.
"'Is that so, Howard?' she said. 'You mean you're finally going to take some real responsibility for her?'
"'I know I've been busy and left a good deal of this to you, Geraldine. I've been remiss on that score, but I'll do my part now that Cathy is getting of age.'
"'Of age for what?' my mother pounced.
" `Oh, meeting people, getting out more, learning the ways of the world,' he said calmly.
"'She's better off not knowing the ways of this world,' my mother insisted.
"They talked about it a little more. My father volunteered to drive me to the school and pick me up after the dance. Finally, she reluctantly agreed even though she thought I was still too young for such a thing"
"And did she agree to permit you to wear lipstick?" Jade asked with a coy smile.
"A little," I said. "Although, she kept the tube in her room after we bought it."
"Where? In the safe?" Jade asked.
"Practically," I said, smiling. "The hardest thing was finding a dress she liked. We went to so many department stores, but nothing was right. Finally, she found this small store out in the valley. I think it was more like a costume shop. The hem was low enough to satisfy her. It reached a little below my ankles, and the collar went halfway up my neck. It looked like something from the 1800's. It was too big, too, but she thought that was fine. She found shoes that matched and I had what she considered my new party outfit.
"But when I looked at myself in it, I nearly burst into tears. I was sure I would be ridiculed. It had puffy sleeves, lots of lace, and big black buttons on this emerald green heavy cotton material. She had me put it on and model it for my father, who sat there with his eyebrows hoisted.
"'Looks like she's in a play or something,' he said. 'It's practically a costume. Is that the sort of party dress a girl would wear today?'
"'It's perfect,' my mother insisted.
"'I feel stupid in it,' I declared, encouraged by my father's reaction. 'When I walk, I can hear the material swishing around me. It's too loose and I'll choke to death in this collar if I try to eat anything,' I wailed.