Cat (7 page)

"'It's perfect,' my mother repeated. 'Proper and perfect.'
"'No boy is going to want to dance with me wearing this,' I complained
"'Is that what you're worried about? How many boys will dance with you?' my mother asked.
"'No, not how many,' I moaned. 'Any.'
"I was nearly in tears about it. I wanted to go to the dance very much. I saw it as my chance to make new friends and maybe to have a social life, too, but I was terrified that wearing that dress would make me look like a buffoon.
"'Why can't I get something more in style?' I cried.
"'The styles today are downright pornographic,' my mother said. 'You saw that from the little we viewed in the department stores. And besides, you read the dance announcement and rules. Most of the things on sale in the stores wouldn't be permitted anyway. Be happy you have something decent,' she insisted and left it at that.
"I went upstairs to sulk about it, and later, my father came to my room. He asked me to put on the dress again and I did. Then he stood back, studied it for a moment and stepped forward to unbutton the collar almost down to my cleavage.
"'That looks better,' he said, 'but don't do it until after you get to the school. You're becoming a very pretty young lady, Cathy, do you know that?' he asked and I felt myself blush all over.
"'No, I'm not,' I said. 'I'm too big and I don't have any nice features.'
"'Sure you do,' he said. 'I'm just sorry I haven't had more talks with you about what you should expect now that you are mixing with boys. I'm glad the dance is still a week away. There's a lot I want to tell you, show you, explain to you. Most parents throw their children out to the wolves, especially their daughters, and then wonder why they get themselves into trouble. Your mother thinks the answer is to keep you here under lock and key, but I know the answer is to make you smart and aware so nothing comes as a surprise.
"'Doesn't that make more sense to you?' he asked me and I nodded because it did sound right.
"'Tomorrow is a holiday and the market's closed, too. I'll spend some time with you in the afternoon when your mother goes food shopping, okay? I'll help you prepare for the birds and the bees.'
"I had no idea what he meant, but I nodded. He stood there staring at me for a long moment and then he smiled, came forward and kissed me on the cheek.
"'Don't you smell good,' he said. 'What is that, the bath oil I bought you?'
"'Yes,' I said. He put his nose against me and inhaled so hard, I thought I might be drawn up his nostrils. Then he planted another small kiss on my neck, patted me on the hip, and left the room.
"You probably wonder why I remember so many details. That was because my father was so confusing to me. Sometimes he acted as if I was invisible and sometimes, he would stop and stare at me so hard, I couldn't help my heart from thumping. This was one of those times."
I paused and gazed down at the floor for a moment. I could feel their eyes on me and then I caught them looking nervously at each other. Doctor Marlowe had templed her fingers beneath her chin and rested her elbows on her knees as she waited, too. Lunch tumbled in my stomach, but I swallowed back any gagging.
For me it was like making a big, wide turn in my story. The worst was yet to come and I knew it, and from the sound of their silence, I knew the girls were aware of it, too. They looked worried for me. They looked like they really cared.
"The next day I hadn't forgotten what my father had said, but I was very occupied with my schoolwork and thinking about the dance. At school all the girls were talking about it. Most of them had been to dances like this before and many knew a number of the boys who would be attending.
"I sat to the side in the cafeteria and listened to the older girls talk about it, trying to learn as much as I could so I wouldn't appear like such a fish out of water when I attended. When I heard some of the girls describe what they were going to wear, my heart sank. Most were going to dress in clothes my mother had vetoed. Everyone but me would be in style.
"I had already been plagued by nightmares in which I arrived at the dance and the whole party stopped as one girl and boy after another looked my way. Even the sisters looked amused at what I wore. Then, they all broke out into hysterical laughter and I ran out of the building into the night, tears streaming down my reddened cheeks.
"I was coming to the conclusion that I shouldn't go to the dance, that it would be worse for me afterward. All my chances to have any sort of normal social life, to make friends, to be invited to anything else, would be washed away the moment I entered that decorated gymnasium, I thought. I decided I just wouldn't go. I was sure my mother would be happy about that decision."
"Damn," Star muttered.
"But," I said, "I didn't have to make that decision." The girls all widened their eyes and waited.
"After my mother had left the house, my father came to my room. He knocked and entered and under his arm was a big box.
"'What's that?' I immediately asked.
"'Part of our special secret,' he told me. 'You better not tell her about this, or I'll be drawn and quartered at sundown the day after your dance,' he warned and put the box on my bed. He stepped back.
"I just stared down at it.
"'Well, open it and look!' he cried and laughed.
"I approached it slowly and took off the cover. There in the box was a new dress, a real dress, green velvet with a knee-length skirt and spaghetti straps and some beads on the right side. It was the most beautiful dress I had ever seen. He even bought me shoes to match it!
"'How can I wear this, Daddy?' I asked, astounded. 'Mother won't let me.'
"'She won't know. You'll put on the dress she made you buy and after we leave the house, we'll pull over and you'll put on this dress,' he said nodding at the box. 'You won't have a mirror to check yourself out, but I'll be your mirror,' he offered. 'Put it on. Let's see how right I was about your size and such,' he added.
"He stood there with his long arms folded under his chest and waited. My heart was pounding. Changing in front of him was truly doing something forbidden, but I was too excited about my beautiful new dress to care.
"I quickly unbuttoned and removed my blouse, took off my skirt and slipped into the dress. He came behind to zip me up and then he turned me toward the mirror.
"'Like Cinderella,' he said. 'Look how beautiful you are now.'
"I was actually frightened by my own appearance. The dress fit a bit snugly, especially the bodice, and there was just the suggestion of the beginning of my cleavage. Would the nuns turn me away? Wasn't Daddy afraid of that?
"'Perfect,' he said instead. 'That's a dress.'
"'What if Mother hears about this?' I asked him
"'It's a green dress, too. Besides, she won't hear about it. Where does she go to be able to hear such things? Well?'
"'Oh Daddy!' I cried. Tears were filling my eyes. 'Thank you.'
"I gave him a hug and he kissed the top of my head and held on to me for a long moment.
"Then he held me out, at arm's length, looked me over, nodded and smiled.
"'Now,' he said, 'it's time for your lessons.'

"K eep the dress on, he ordered. 'Everything should be as close as possible to how it is going to be at the dance.' He thought for a moment. 'We need some music, too. Yes, that's it. We'll turn your room into the school ballroom.'

"He snapped on my radio and found a station. "'How's that?' he asked about the music.
"I shrugged.
"'I guess it's okay,' I said. I hadn't been to a school dance before, so I had no idea what sort of music would be played, especially at a parochial school dance."
"No hip-hop, I bet," Star said.
"No," I said. "They censor the words in the songs. They wouldn't even play Madonna."
"Some dance," Star muttered.
"'Okay,' Daddy said. 'Let's start at the beginning. You come to the dance and like all the girls, you gather together, talk about everyone's clothes and hairdos. Now,' he added with a wink, 'they'll surely be talking about you. And in a nice way, an enviable way,' he quickly added.
"'As soon as the boys see you, especially how you look now, you'll be approached by one or more and asked to dance. Be polite. Don't turn anyone down outright unless he's particularly disgusting,' he said and I smiled.
"Who else but my father would think me pretty? I wondered, even in this great dress.
"My father looked like he read my thoughts.
"'I don't want you underestimating yourself, Cathy. Don't seem surprised and so grateful when a boy asks you to dance. In fact, hesitate for a moment as if you're deciding whether or not he's worthy of you.'
"'Oh Daddy,' I said. 'I don't think I can do that.'
"After all, I thought, I had never yet been asked to dance by any boy ever. Even if the first looked like Frankenstein, I'd surely say yes quickly.
"'I want you to make them wonder,' "he said thinly. 'It's important that you establish self-respect in their eyes immediately. Okay,' he continued, 'I'm the one asking you to dance. Look like you're thinking about it. May I have this dance, Cathy?' he pretended. `Go on. Do what I said. Just a quick glance around as if you're checking to be sure no one else is waiting in the wings. Go on. Do it,' he told me and I pretended too, feeling foolish, but doing what he wanted anyway. 'Good,' he said. 'Now a small smile, a nod and step forward.'
"I did as he told me and he held out his arms. He listened to the music for a moment.
"'This is one of those dances we can actually dance together,' he said with a laugh. 'I'm sure the nuns won't permit anyone to dance any closer than this,' he said putting his hand on my waist and holding my other hand up. We moved around my room. 'That's good,' he said. 'Fine. However, you should expect some boys might still try to take advantage when the nuns aren't watching so carefully. They'll move you a bit closer like this and their hands may move off your hip like this and slide over your rear end. See,' he said.
"'What do I do?' I asked quickly.
"'Step back and then say, "Watch your hands if you want to dance with me." Make sure you say it like you mean it, okay?'
"I nodded. I was very nervous now and worried. Was this all going to happen? How did Daddy know so much? I wondered as well.
" `Do it,' he said.
"I stepped back. 'Watch your hands if you want to dance with me,' I repeated. He shook his head.
"'Firmer. Mean it,' he told me and I did it again, trying to sound serious.
"'Okay. That's better,' he said. 'Good,' he continued. "'What if the boy doesn't want to dance with me anymore?'
"'Good. You've eliminated an idiot.
'Now, however, if you get to like one particular boy and he seems to like you, too, he might ask you to sneak out of the dance with him What are you going to say?'
"'I don't know,' I said, unable to even imagine such a scenario. 'No, I guess.'
"'That's what you
should
say.' He held his gaze on me and a small smile formed in the corners of his lips. 'But you might be tempted. He might be a very good looking boy or popular,' he warned, lifting his voice.
"'I won't do it,' I promised.
"'Nevertheless, whether it happens at this dance or the next, it will happen someday, Cathy. It's natural no matter what you promise now. You're prettier than you think and boys will be boys. You're going to want to go and I'm not saying you never should. I just want you to be prepared when you do eventually give in to your inner voice,' he said.
"'Inner voice?'
"'Every man and every woman has one. It's usually silent, but at the right moment, at the right occasion, it speaks up. It demands to be heard and you can't stop it. In fact, you might not want to,' he said. 'There are things that are going to occur which will make the voice louder, stronger inside you until finally, it's the only voice you hear. You will no longer hear your mother's voice or even mine.
"'You've got to be prepared for that,' he told me. 'If not, then what your mother said the other day at dinner will happen. You'll get yourself into trouble. You don't want that, do you?'
"'No, Daddy,' I said.
"I remember it was as if a frightened little bird had somehow gotten caught in my chest. It fluttered about, its wings grazing my heart, my lungs and my ribs. I felt weak. My legs were trembling. Daddy looked so serious, so worried. How dangerous was all this?
"'Good,' he said. 'Then we'll do something to prevent it, but like everything else, Cathy, we better keep this as our special secret. Your mother just won't understand. She has different ideas about these things, unrealistic ideas, I'm afraid. I'm not trying to get you not to love her, but you know what I mean, don't you?'
"'Yes, Daddy,' I said.
"He smiled and then he stepped up to me again and turned me around to look into the mirror.
"'You are not a little girl anymore,' he said. 'You are a real young lady. Your body is armed, loaded, ready to explode, take off, soar. I'm sure you have already felt some of this. I'm sure,' he added with a tiny smile, 'you have already heard the inner voice, especially in dreams. Am I right? Don't be ashamed or afraid to tell me,' he pursued.
"'Yes,' I said in a whisper. I wasn't really sure what he meant, but I thought that was the answer he expected and needed. He smiled and brought his face closer to mine.
"'It's all right. Don't be afraid,' he said. His face looked almost as flushed as mine felt.
"'All right, lees go to lesson number two,' he decided, stepping away. 'Pretend I'm the boy you like, the one you have been hoping would pay attention to you. Now he has and like I said, he tells you to meet him in the hall.
"'Pretend to go to the girls' room,' he said in a different voice. He even stood differently and smiled differently. 'They won't know the difference, Cathy. C'mon. You go first and I'll follow. Then, instead of going to the girls' room, meet me just outside the school door. We'll go to my car for a little while. No one will even miss us,' he added.
"It was funny playing this game with him, and yet it was also exciting for me, just like I was in a soap opera or something.
"He stepped closer to me, looked to the side as if checking to see if we were being watched, and then slipped his hand into mine and gently played with my fingers for a moment.
"'C'mon,' he said. 'I want to be alone with you for a while. Everyone's watching us here. We can't really talk and there are so many things I want to tell you, Cathy. Please. Just for a little while, okay?'
"I could hardly speak. I was afraid to say no, and Daddy was right: there was another voice inside me, tiny but there, a voice encouraging me to go, suggesting that it might be a lot more fun.
"'Don't disappoint me, Cathy. Please,' he pleaded. "'What should I do?' I cried in desperation.
"Daddy stared at me so seriously.
"'Either go or say no,' he said back in his daddy voice. 'What will it be? You want to go, don't you? Don't you?' he pursued.
"'A little, I guess,' I admitted.
"'Okay,' he said. 'That's all right. You're being honest. I'd rather that than you pretend otherwise. We'll just have to move faster to the next lesson,' he said and turned for a moment as if he was thinking and planning.
"'Where can we go? Where can we go to practice and learn?' he asked himself aloud. Then his face brightened and he turned back to me.
" 'I know.'
"He reached out and took my hand and we left my room. I thought we were going to go downstairs, but he turned and headed toward his and my mother's room.
"I didn't go into my mother and father's room very often. She kept that door closed all the time, too. I really didn't have much reason to go in there. She did all the cleaning in there. I could help only with the downstairs, the living room, den, dining room and kitchen, as well as my own room and the bathrooms, of course.
"I couldn't remember a time when I was in their bedroom just with Daddy. It felt so strange, almost as if I had gone to an unfamiliar place.
"'Let's see,' he said standing inside the doorway and looking over the room. 'Yes, that's it. My bed will be the car.'
"He changed his posture and his whole demeanor again and then turned back to me with that eerie smile.
"'Cathy,' he said. 'I knew you would do it. I knew you would come. I knew you liked me just as much as I like you. Maybe it's even more than that. Like is for kids and we're not kids anymore.
"'It was so crowded and noisy in there anyway, wasn't it? This is better. C'mon. No one will see us in my car,' he added and pulled me toward his bed.
"He pretended to open a car door and slide in.
" `Backseat has more room,' he told me as he sat on his bed. 'C'mon, get in.' He beckoned and reached for me and I sat on his bed, too.
"'Close the door, silly,' he said.
" 'What?'
"'The car door, Cathy. Close it.'
"'Oh,' I said and even though I felt a little foolish doing it, I pretended to reach out and pull the door closed.
"'Would you like a cigarette?' he asked me.
"'A cigarette? No, I don't smoke,' I said. "He smiled.
"'That's good,' he said. 'We wouldn't want anything bad to happen to those beautiful lungs of yours, would we? Relax,' he said putting his arm around me and pulling me a little closer to him. 'We don't have those frustrated penguins staring at us now, making us feel like we're doing something dirty.'
"It was so strange to hear Daddy talk like this, but when I looked at him, his face was so different: the way his lips turned up in a strange smile, the glint in his eyes, everything made him look like someone else. Someone scary.
"'You're very pretty,' he told me. 'You've been keeping it a good secret, but I always thought there was a pretty girl hiding in there,' he said. 'The other girls are so stuck-up and stupid, but you're not. You're a real girl, Cathy, the kind of girl I could like a lot. I mean that. I really do.'
"I admit I loved hearing Daddy say these things. They were words I had dreamed being said to me many times. It was as if Daddy had gotten into my head and listened some nights and overheard that inner voice he spoke of before, the voice that told me I'd do anything just to be loved.
"Suddenly, he kissed me on the neck. It was such an unexpected kiss; I felt weak and anxious at the same time.
"'You're delicious,' he continued, nibbling on my ear. 'Just as delicious as I had imagined '
"While he did this, I didn't realize his hand had slipped off my shoulder. Suddenly, I felt the zipper moving down as he kissed me on the neck and then the side of my face, moving over my cheeks. I think I actually got numb all over.
"He got the zipper almost all the way to my waist and then began to slip the straps off my shoulders, nudging my dress along with them. Everything he did surprised me and the shock of it all paralyzed me.
'You like me too,' he said. 'Tell me you like me too. C'mon say it. Say it, Cathy,' he chanted.
"I did. I couldn't help doing everything or anything he asked. Was this what really would happen? I wondered.
"He didn't take my new dress all the way down to my waist. As soon as he had it away from my breasts, he turned me to him and kissed me full on the lips. My eyes popped open. His fingers had
unfastened my bra and seconds later, he leaned on me until I fell back on the bed. I could barely breathe. I wanted him to stop--it was so embarrassing.
"I think I made some sort of noise of protest and suddenly, he pulled back, sat up and stared down at me. His face and his neck were all red. He looked like he was having difficulty catching his breath.
"'Okay,' he finally said, back to his daddy voice. 'Let's stop and review everything. What just happened to you?'
"'I don't know,' I cried. 'It happened so fast!'
"'Exactly. That's how boys work. They don't ask permission for each and every touch and kiss. One thing follows another until here you are half naked and onto the next step,' he said.
"'There's more?'
"'Yes, much more,' he rattled. He ran his hands through his hair and looked at my mother's bed for a moment. 'Okay,' he said without turning back to me. 'Dress yourself quickly and we'll go over this. The whole point is for you to learn and be prepared.'
"I did what he said and waited. After another long moment, during which his face returned to a more natural shade, he turned back to me.
"'What mistakes did you make?' he asked.
"'I don't know,' I said.
"'You don't know? How can you not know?'
"'It all happened so fast, Daddy, and I didn't know what you wanted me to do,' I moaned at his angry expression.
"'All right, all right,' he said calmly. 'First, you got into the car too eagerly. Any boy who saw that would expect you would be cooperative; otherwise, why get into the car?'
"'To talk, I thought.'
"'Boys don't really want to talk. Maybe a little afterward, but not at this point. Talk is just a kind of bait to get you to come out to the car. You can come out and you can get into the car, but you should set the rules quickly. As soon as you got into the car and I kissed you, you should make it clear you'll go no farther,' he explained. 'You didn't even put your hand on mine to get me to hesitate or stop. Any boy who saw you behave that way would think he could go faster and farther.
"'Now,' he continued, 'you have to decide how far you can go without losing control, understand?'
"I nodded.
"'Good,' he said standing. 'Good.' He glanced quickly at the clock. 'That's all we have time for today. Your mother should be coming home any moment. You better take off the dress and put it back into the box. I'll keep it in the trunk of my car,' he told me.
"We both knew my mother might find it no matter where I tried to hide it.
"I returned to my room and did what he asked Then he took the box and went out to his car. It was hidden away before my mother returned.
"I felt terribly confused and upset and guilty about everything that had happened, but I knew if she found out what my father was doing for me. . . and to me, there would be hell to pay in my family. Some lies, as you said before, Misty, are necessary," I added and sat back.