Catching Tatum (25 page)

I showed it to him. He shrugged. “It's all right, I guess.”

“It's delicious. There's no way she can resist,” I said, flipping through the different poses on my digital camera.

“Hey,” he said, taking me by the shoulders with both of his hands. “Thank you. I don't know how you do it, but you get it.”

“Yeah, I do, I like you … and you love her.”

“I like you too. You know that, right?”

I shrugged. I couldn't make eye contact. He bent lower to catch mine in his.

“I do. You're the best thing that's happened to me in my whole life.”

I didn't believe him. It must have shown on my face because he went right to explaining. “Haylee was always a part of it, the good, which there wasn't much of, and the bad, which there was too much of. Good stuff doesn't accidentally happen to me. Bad stuff happens.”

“That's depressing.”

“But it's the truth. I mean, the older I get the more I realize a lot of it had to do with the way I reacted to things, but my luck was bad. You're good, you understand me; you're letting me hope for her. Thank you. I love you for that.”

“Don't say that. You don't get to say that yet. If I don't, you don't. Keep it all for her.”

“It's a different kind of love. It's for us, she's part of it, but you let her be.” And with that he kissed me. It was all for me, because of her, to thank me for letting him love her. It was deep and true and all mine despite her presence in the moment. The sun was at my back, warm on my calves, and I was OK being his second love. I was more determined than ever to help him either get her back or get him for myself.

“Let’s go see her!” I said, pulling away.

“What?”

“Let's go. Take some leave; maybe things are different for her now. You still write her—you know where she's at. Let's go see her ... just to visit. Maybe make her a little bit jealous.” I shrugged. “Not a lot; we can make sure she knows we're just friends, and that you wanted to see her.”

“I don't know.”

“I do—road trip! Let's do it!”

“It's not that easy,” he protested. “The last time she made it clear she didn't want me.”

“Yeah, but you're not a girl. I don't expect you to get this, but, trust me, she'll see you. Maybe she didn't then, but girls always want a hero to save them.”

“But I still write and she doesn't answer.”

“It's pride. She can't admit she was wrong.”

“She's not like you, Tatum. It's not like that with her. She's pushing me away because she's got problems.”

“So?” I asked. “All the better reason for you to be her hero. Let's do it.”

“I don't know. I have to get leave.”

“Then get it.”

“It's not that easy.”

“All we've got is time right? If it takes them two months to approve, that's still within your time limit. You can win her back.”

“And you'll help me do that?”

“Well, I believe in love and if you're supposed to be with her, heck yeah, I want to see you get your girl. And anyway, things aren't going anywhere with us until after February 11th, so I might as well occupy my time with road trips. I've been in the same place for a long time now. It's time to feel the wind in my hair!”

“Fire.” He smiled his crooked smile. “You and your fire.” He pulled me close. “I should forget about her. You're the one here for me now, not her.”

His words excited me and scared me. If he let go of his hope that Haylee would come back, could I let go of Cole? It twisted up my insides. I wanted them and didn't want them. I wondered what Parker and I could have together but I wanted him to choose me because he was madly and deeply in love with me, not because she didn't want him. I wanted to talk to her and find out what her problem was. Actually I wanted to slap sense into her. How could she not love him? The thought of losing Parker tore me up, but if he was well- loved, it would be easier to accept, and I could move on to see where things would go with Cole.

“Ahhh, don't go getting soft on me now,” I told him. “You gave her time to come back; you owe her that. You wouldn't have picked the day if there wasn't a reason for it. I'll wait. Who knows how it'll all work out? I knew this guy who told me to 'go with the flow' once and he had a point.”

“He did, did he?”

“Yeah.” I nodded. “A good point. See, if I was to rush anything, I'd lose this moment right here, right now, caught up in the arms of a hot, shirtless guy.”

“Umm hmm,” he said, leaning in. I knew he was going to kiss me and I knew it was going to be all mine, no Haylee in this one. I pulled back.

“I don't get this,” I said, pushing my palms onto his bare chest. Bad move, it just made me want him more.

“What?”

“How we can do this? I don't know what I do or don't want from you. One second I'm sure you're the guy I want, then Cole will come and do something, or say something so incredibly sweet, that I'm sure it's him. Or ... what about her? Am I taking you from her? I don't want to be that girl. I know how it feels to be on the receiving end of that one.”

“She broke up with me. I don't owe her anything right now, and we both know that it's just flesh on flesh with us anyway.”

“Um, no, it's not. I have feelings for you.”

“Not the forever kind.”

“How do you know?”

“Can you see forever with me yet? Or is he there muddling it up?”

I smiled pathetically into his face. “He's there.”

“And she's there for me. Whether we want them there or not, we're both hopelessly stuck ... right where we are.”

“But we're supposed to go with the flow?” I asked, eyebrows raised.

“Exactly. That's why you're going to let me kiss you as much and as often as I want with nothing more to it.” He pulled me closer.

“Oh, you think so?” I asked, lifting my arms to his neck.

“I know so,” he answered, lowering his eyes and kissing me with more feeling than a kiss with nothing more to it should be allowed to possess.

He was awarded a short leave a few weeks later so we bought cheap military airline tickets instead of driving for time's sake. Cole wasn't happy about me being alone with Parker but sent me off with a hug and a book to occupy my time, like I had done for him a dozen times that summer.

We rented a car when we landed and drove straight to her place. When we got there, I stayed in the car while he knocked. I wanted to go but he thought it best if he made first contact without a stranger. He came back quickly. There was no answer. We waited outside her apartment for an hour planning what to do next. Wait or come back later. Leave a note or don't. There were so many options and, then, there she was with another guy.

I FELT PARKER'S HEARTBREAK
as much as I saw it on his face. It didn't matter that we had our own semi-relationship going on. She was with another man. He was bigger than Parker, I could tell that even from our distance, and he wore a baseball hat like Cole, but looked like neither of my suitors, and was very clearly Haylee's.

Within seconds Parker started the rental and drove away in a blaze. He was angry, I could tell by the way his jaw clenched, but he was in anguish, too. He drove to escape the city, and then kept driving and driving and driving.

“I always wanted to see the redwood forests,” he said after an hour or more. “Let's go there.” He reached over to take my hand and gently, ever so gently, intertwined his fingers with mine and pulled my hand to his lips. I watched in silence as he stared straight ahead, giving the road way more focus than it demanded. His chin quivered, his chest rose and fell, and my heart broke as his did.

I knew then he wasn't mine. He never had been and never would be, but I would love him through his heartache no matter what it meant for Cole and me. That's what I told myself, even though my heart ached at the idea of ending things with Cole.

How could I care about them both so much? And how dare they both depend on me to get them through their pain of losing other girls? And how did I help them? What could I do?

One thing I could do was give Parker the time he needed to think through his feelings alone. He was quiet by nature. Instead of trying to get him to talk, I let him be, and used the silence and miles to explore my own life. I realized I needed the drive, the movement and the energy that came with it. I couldn't figure out my love life in a million miles, but within three hundred I knew my career path was back on track. I needed to travel; it was in my blood. As much as I loved the gym and the US military, I was meant for the road and for baseball. I would be a physical therapist for a sports team and go with them wherever the season demanded.

After calling the rental company to be sure we could take the car up the coast and return it in Washington, I sent simple texts to Brett, my parents, and Cole, explaining that the plans had changed and we'd be back a day later than expected, and by car at that. Parker had a three-day leave, which would be plenty of time to run back up the coast, but our original plan only had us gone one full day with a red-eye flight back the following day. We'd only been gone from home for eight hours, but it seemed like a hundred years. Everything was different.

For hours we went west then north in complete and utter silence. I knew he needed it. It was one thing to think about the person you love with someone else—it was another to see it. I thought of Stacy. The difference was, he already knew it was over with Haylee. There were no rules of relationship binding them together; they were history. She wasn't cheating; she was moving on the way he wasn't able to.

Finally, we found the coast and he found his voice. “I can't believe it. I thought for sure she would come back.”

“She still could.”

He turned to look at me. His doubt and anger pooled deep and penetrated me.

“She could,” I reiterated. “He could be a total loser and she'll remember how you were and break up with him and come back to you. Or she could realize the two of you are meant to be.”

“But it was supposed to be just us. Only us.”

I didn't know what he meant. “Then what about you and me?”

“We're not together. We haven't been together. That's why I like you. There's no way you'd let me.”

“Let you what?”

“Sleep with you.”

“What?”

“As soon as I heard all your rules I knew I could be with you and not have to be with you,” he said.

“Wait, what do you mean?”

He shook his head and grinned sadly. “You'll figure it out.” Then we drove on hours more in relative silence, stopping only for directions, or gas, or food breaks. By dark we were nearly to the redwoods and stopped for the night. We split the hotel room, and the bed, down the middle.

One bed. Two lonely souls.

We stood there, frozen, as if we stared long enough another bed would magically appear. It did not. One bed. It was late and we were tired but had nothing but the clothes on our backs. It was only supposed to have been a long day trip. We weren't supposed to sleep, especially together, especially without pajamas … and with no toothbrush.

“I can take the floor,” he said.

“You're not going to take the floor. We can handle ourselves in the bed. I'm going to go get some things.”

“What?”

“I need a toothbrush,” I said.

“A toothbrush?”

“Well, yeah, I'm not going to wake up next to you and have morning breath.”

He nodded and smiled and went to the nightstand beside the bed, pulled the drawer open and tapped the book inside. I knew what it was. They were in every hotel I'd ever been in. I left him there, alone in the room with the Bible and went to find not one but two toothbrushes. The lobby had a vending machine with necessities we needed. I punched the buttons and got them quickly but lingered before returning. I think part of it was to give him time, but I was nervous too. I knew this night would change everything. It was nearly midnight when I returned.

“I got something for you,” I whispered and tossed him his toothbrush.

“You didn't have to.”

“Fine, then you owe me. Let me use your shirt?” I asked.

He nodded, looking at me. And then I knew. He would try to replace her tonight. And for reasons that had nothing to do with her or him whatsoever, I wouldn't allow it. It was not the night to share my secret.

Tension, thick and syrupy, filled the room as he pulled his shirt up over his head, baring his chest, sending a thrill through the heart in my own. He tossed it and I took it with me to the bathroom. I shimmied off my clothes and contemplated my pink lacy panties, barely hidden by the hem of his shirt. Did I want him to see them? It would be easy enough to make an innocent move that revealed them. What would he do? I imagined his hands slipping up under the shirt, tickling my stomach, fingers curling in the elastic and lace, giving a tug. One little pull and … and I would give it all up to him. But I couldn't. I was sure he didn't have a condom, and I couldn't sleep with him unprotected. Nope, I couldn't do that to him. I had to be strong, but I wanted him and there was a store not far that would carry what we needed.
Knock it off, Tatum,
I said to my reflection and walked out.

He wasn't in bed; he was standing beside it, shirtless, in dark green boxers. The shadows cast by the one lamp left on highlighted his muscles, seducing me visually. Scrawny or not, he was built. I felt my nipples harden and rub against the fabric of his shirt and it took conscious effort not to look down and see how obvious they were in the light of the room. Did he notice? Did he like them? Could he imagine holding them in his hands and mouth the way I could? Again, we stood frozen.

“Geez, we're not kids in the back seat of a car. We're two adults sharing a bed for the night, right?” I asked nervously.

He nodded but the tension in his body said otherwise. He wanted me so he could forget her. The question was … would I let him take me?

I stared at him and got into the bed. He followed slowly and turned off the lamp beside him. The blackout curtains let in a tiny bit of pink light from the parking lot but otherwise it was pitch black and silent. He reached for me in the darkness and I turned to him, still unsure of what I would do. I had my rules ... and my secret, but I'd never been closer to letting either go. But I didn't want to tell him, especially on a night like this. There was no way.