Catching Tatum (22 page)

“But you loved him?”

“Here's the thing,” I said, turning in my stool to look him straight on. “I fall in love easily. I mean I used to.” I wasn't about to tell him I was already falling for him despite all my counter-measures to defend against it. “I mean, I still could, probably would, without my rules. Yes, I loved him, but I've probably loved a dozen other guys too.”

“That wasn't love.”

“Yes, it was.”

He shook his head. “No, love only happens when you know the other person could rip your heart out and you still put it in their hands. When you talk about him,” he said, pointing to me, “I can see that there was love there. What you just said about the other guys wasn't love. Infatuation, maybe.”

I snorted. I wanted to believe I fell in love easily, that it wasn't just Cole I loved. But Parker had a point: none of the others came close to the pain Cole caused.

“But love shouldn't hurt.”

“No, and perfect love doesn't. Perfect love casts out fear and pain and you can trust it.”

“Well, that's not what we had.”

“No, because no one has perfect love ... ‘cause no one is perfect, but you can have the best kind of love known to man.”

“Ha!” I laughed. “That's not going to happen with Cole.”

“Why not?”

“Um, because what about you? What if I want to fall madly in love with you?” I said, leaning into him and kissing him quickly. “I don't want to give him a second chance when I'm trying to see where this thing with you will go.”

He smiled. “This thing with me won't go anywhere. Give him a chance.”

“Why do you say that but then keep on asking me out?”

“Because I like your fire. But I have hope, too.”

“But it's not fair to me ... and it's not fair to you. You like me?”

He nodded.

“How long are you going to hold out hope for her?”

“As long as it takes.”

“Well, that's stupid. Put a time limit on it.”

“On what?”

“On how long it takes her to come around. Are you really going to be one of those guys who waste away because the woman you love won’t have you? You're too good of a catch for that. I'm telling you right now, I'd take good care of you. I wouldn't do what she did.”

“You don't know what we went through.”

“It doesn't matter. I'm a girl; trust me, if she says it's over ... and hasn't talked to you in months—how many is it now? –It’s over. She's not coming back.”

“So you say.”

“Yep,” I said. I nodded smugly and took another long drink from my beer.

“Ok then, how about this ... I'll put a time limit on how long I'll wait for her, if you give Cole a second chance.”

It was an offer I couldn't refuse even if a date with Cole was the price I had to pay. I agreed and he made me text Cole right then and there.

As for Parker, his date was set for February 11
th
. Eight months away. It seemed reasonable for a guy like him. He picked it fast and confessed he set it months before when she officially broke up with him.

“You cheated,” I said, slapping his shoulder.

Parker smiled back.

Cole texted me back within the hour. He already had a plan.

DATING COLE
was nothing like going out with Parker. Leisurely, all day dates to nowhere in particular were out of the question. His schedule was tight, tighter even than a soldier's, and most days were game days and half of those were somewhere else. Off days were for training, or I was working. And even if we had all day, Cole was fire, just like me, the destination was always the point with him.

Our first date would be to one of the Mariners’ games. I'd been to games with my parents and brothers and friends but going with a player on one of the Mariners’ league teams was awesome. We got box seats and were so close to the action it was almost like being on the field. It was nice to be with him but it was strange, too. I knew what he was going to order at the food stand, except this time we were both old enough to get beers, too. I knew that when he got really excited about a play he kind of bounced in his seat the way I imagined him doing when he was a little kid. I knew him. There wasn't anything new. If we kissed, I could almost remember how it would go. If we did more I knew that, too. I hated that my mind kept going there. He caught me looking at his lips once and winked. I rolled my eyes and looked back at the game. He knew me, too.

It was a good game, a nice neutral first date; nothing too deep or intimate, but it was the drive home that changed everything. I knew then, if never before, that he really was different. He had no car so we took mine and I wasn't about to let him drive. We talked the entire time about baseball, about what we had been doing with our lives, and everything in between. I liked him for a friend but still didn't know if he was safe. He was beyond comfortable with me since confessing his darkest secret and didn't hide that he wanted more. I had to tell him about Parker.

“You're seeing him?”

“Yep, and I like him, and I'm not going to stop because we're going out.”

“You're not doing anything but kissing?”

“Well, I mean, we hold hands and stuff but nothing more until we're exclusive.”

“But you don't want to go there yet.”

I snorted. “It's not me.”

“Oh, he doesn't want to go there.”

“Nope.” I explained to him all I knew about Parker's complicated one-sided relationship with Haylee and how he said he liked me because my game kept us both safe. I told Cole that if he wanted to date me, he would be playing by my rules the whole time, too.

“You did this whole game because of me?” Cole asked.

“Yeah, and now every guy has to play by my rules because of you.”

“It's kind of cool; how did you come up with it all?”

He listened without interrupting as I explained, then asked, “Do you have an allowance for the guy that wants to marry you but wants to have sex before the whole wedding thing.”

“No.”

“Wow ...”

I shrugged. “I don't want to be used again.”

“But what if he sucks in bed? And you're married ... for life.”

“I’ve got a lifetime to show him how to turn me on.”

“I don't know. It seems harsh.”

“You don't have to like the rules. You don't even have to play.”

“No, no.” He grinned and moved his hand to my hair. “I'm all in. How do you explain us finding each other again?”

“It's coincidence. Things like that happen all the time.”

He laughed. “No they don't.”

“Yeah, but I don't know you, though. I know who you were. I don't know this new guy that you are. I keep waiting for some girl to come out from the bleachers and suck your face like you've had her behind my back this whole time.”

“I'm not like that anymore.”

“You can say it but it's hard to believe it.”

“Fair enough. I got all the time in the world to prove it.”

“Yeah, or until August when the season's over and you go home.”

“Might not be over by then if we move into the regionals. I'll be here through September and by then you'll be wrapped around my finger,” he said, twisting one of my locks around his finger, teasing my cheek while he did it. Something inside me came to life. I remembered his touch. I wanted it again. Whatever was going to happen with Parker all of a sudden didn't matter so much. I wanted to play with Cole, too.

“Really?” I asked. “You think so? I don't think you've got it in you. I mean, I know all your moves and outside of the bedroom there weren't many.”

“You don't know me at all, remember?” he countered. “I got moves.”

“Mmmm hmmm.”

“I do and I'll get you.”

“Doubt it, but have fun trying.”

“Oh, I will.” We laughed a little, then the conversation turned to other things.

When we got to the guys’ apartments I stopped to let him out but he didn't open the door right away. “So this is the end. I get my kiss, right?”

I laughed in his face. “Not even close, buddy.”

“Wait a second—that wasn't boring, that was fun. I should get a kiss.”

“Sorry, not good enough.”

“It was too good enough. What are you talking about?”

“Dude, my game, my rules.”

“That's a bad call. I did what I was supposed to do; now you're supposed to pay up.”

“Or what, you'll be done with me?” I raised my eyebrows. I knew it, he was the same, expecting more than what would be given, demanding what wasn't his.

“You think you got me. You think you won. I told you I'm different and I'm all in. You want this game, you have it. I’m not going anywhere, and I'll have my kiss.”

“Not tonight you won't. Bye, Cole.”

“You're going to drive me crazy.”

“Hey, you're free to leave at any time, Turbo.”

He looked at me while he opened the door, the golden flecks in his eyes sparkling with their fire in the dome light. “I told you, there's a reason we found each other again.”

“You getting soft, man ... eat your Wheaties. Peace.”

His face told me everything I needed to know. I had just become his biggest challenge. The only one to ever deny him anything he wanted. For that reason alone I knew he wouldn't leave me alone. I relished the moment and fantasized about all the ways I would tell him no and torture him. The whole game was about him and I was going to make him pay for every time I lost before. I was going to hold out until he gave up on me. I was going to prove to him that all he ever wanted was sex and, in the end, I knew I would be right. I knew it but something inside me wanted it to be wrong. My heart wanted him to love me for me. I wanted him to follow the rules and love me.

But then what? That was the part I wasn't so sure about. Did I want to crush his heart the way he did mine and Stacy's? Make him feel that kind of pain? I knew he did already. He was different, he really was, and I wondered if there was a chance for a future with a boy I used to love in the past. And if there was, what about Parker?

It was too much for me and it was happening so fast. I would go out with Parker one day and then see Cole the next at the gym or on the field, and play a flirting game with him. They took me out and accepted that I was seeing someone else, but I could tell Cole was a little jealous, though he tried not to show it.

After our third date, a paddle boat ride in the Sound, I dropped Cole off again at his place, and this time I wanted a kiss. A song came on the radio just before I stopped the car. It was the perfect moment and before I even thought about what I was doing I turned it up. “I love this song!” I said. “Dance with me!” In that moment I wanted nothing more than Cole to come over to my side of the car, open my door, pull me out, and dance with me the way my dad had danced with my mom. The whole thing played out in my head perfectly; then he opened his mouth.

“We've been over this,” he said, bringing up our past, something he wasn't supposed to do.

“But you're different now, remember? You have to dance with me.”

“No, I don't. That's not in the rules anywhere.”

“Actually, it is. I can't be with a guy that won't dance with me. Just dance. I don't care how goofy you are.”

I'm not going to. I'm not your dad; you always wanted me to dance with you the way he did. I can't dance, I won't dance, and you have to accept that about me.”

“You're not understanding me. I'm not going to go out with a guy who won't dance. It's not death—it’s a simple request.”

“Well, then I guess we're not going out.”

“What?! You'd really rather break up with me than dance with me?”

“Ahhh! We're not even together! You're seeing another guy, too. Playing the field, remember? Your game, your rules. I've done everything you want me to do and you keep adding more and more to it. It's like when we were kids. Nothing is ever good enough for you.”

“Oh, please, it's a dance. That's all.”

“I don't want to. Period. The end ... And if you're going to hold it over my head now, the same way you did back then, I'm out. Have fun with your little Army guy. Go dance with him.”

“He's Air Force!” I yelled, to which Cole slammed the door. He was impossible. I had every right to expect a guy to dance with me! It was a simple request and he turned it around like it was my problem. I hated him for it. He hurt my heart all over again and I hated him even more for that. He accused me of being the one that said nothing he did was good enough, but it was the exact opposite. I was asking for a dance, a simple, stupid dance! Wasn't I good enough for him to swallow his no-rhythm- pride and dance with me? Couldn't I, shouldn't I be loved enough by my man to deserve to be twirled around? Shouldn't I expect to have what my parents had? It wasn't too much to ask. It wasn't! I did not, I would not, shed one more tear over Cole.

Brett consoled me when I got home, told me guys were jerks. I called Parker and he assured me Cole would come around, but neither of them had the magic words to heal my hurts. It was my mom who kissed my wounded heart and made it better when I went to see her later that night. She confessed she was worried about how things would play out with Cole. She was proud of me for sticking to my guns and said I was absolutely right to expect to be danced with ... if that's what I wanted. I knew I was right; I just had to hear it from someone else. But it didn't make facing Cole any easier after the fight.

We went back to the way it had been at first, before he told me about Stacy. I avoided him, but this time, for the most part, he avoided me, too. He tried a couple times to wave or nod in my direction; I pretended like I didn't see him. I figured that was less rude than yelling at him. I didn't want to yell at him. I did think he was different, but I didn't want to be second runner up to his stubborn pride. What surprised me was how lonely I felt not talking to Cole. Parker and I could go days without talking and it didn't bother me. Probably part of it was because we didn't see each other every day; we had to make a point to get together, and when we were, words didn't flow the way they did between Cole and I. Silence was part of the package with Parker, not so with Cole. We were always texting, calling and talking to each other when mad, sad, happy, or any other time. The lack of conversation was worse than being mad at him. We saw each other every single day he wasn't on the road, but didn't speak. To be that close and not talk to him felt wrong. For two weeks we did that—seeing each other but not talking—and then he kissed me and things got real.