Catching Tatum (7 page)

I had no idea and said as much but looked out the window, pretending not to hear her.

“You hold out for sex. You're still young, just a girl. You're dealing with boys, not men. A good man will look at you as a whole person; not just a body ... but boys are horny little things. They're selfish and immature and inexperienced. They only have one question to answer. You know what that is?”

“No.,”

“Tatum, it's simple. All any boy wants to know is if you'll sleep with him. That's it. There's nothing else going on for them. If you don't … and they want you badly enough, they'll do whatever you want to get you. If you hold out and they don't stick around … well,” she shrugged, “they were never about you in the first place, just the sex. But ... if you do have sex with them, they've accomplished their mission. They win. They have conquered you. There's nothing more a boy wants to know, except maybe what other positions you might try with him.”

“Ewww, Mom! Stop!”

“You're sixteen; you already know this stuff; why should I avoid saying it out loud? It's the truth: boys are in it for the sex. No matter what they say, no matter how long they hold out, whether they love you or not ... it's all about sex to them. And if you give it up too early, they have nothing else about you to bother to learn and no reason to stay. More than likely once they've gotten what they want from you, they'll get tired and move on, unless there's more to the relationship. And more takes time. If you have sex too fast they'll never get to know you, and when the sex gets old, or a new girl comes along, they'll move on every time.”

“That's not true.”

“I wish it wasn't, but it is. Plain and simple, if they won't stick around if you won't have sex, they're not worth your time. You just have to get that through your head. No matter how much they beg you for it, if you give in before you get what you want, you lose.”

“That makes it sound like sex is all about power.”

“Yes and no. There's pleasure, too, and fun, and making babies.”

“Seriously?!” I asked, but I smiled too. She was making the best of it. I might as well do the same.

She laughed. It felt good in my ears, made things stop feeling so strained. Then she continued. “If they stick around, you better make it worth their time ... it's up to you to keep the mystery alive, keep them guessing and learning about what makes you tick.” She grinned and winked. “And you get to watch a boy grow into a man who cares about a little bit more than just sex. String them along; make them work for your love. A boy who is truly into you will do a lot to prove it. What's the harm in making him? Especially, if you're not giving anything away. You get to teach him that there's more to women than that first question. See, guys come in two versions: the lovers or the fighters. Both are good and both will move heaven and earth for the girl they love if they have a reason to.”

“What does that mean?”

“Give them a reason!”

She paused, waiting for me to say something. I had nothing. I was pretty sure sex was the only reason Cole was sticking around, and I wasn't telling her how many positions we had already tried and that it was starting to get routine, which, according to her, meant he was probably getting tired of me and it was just a matter of time before he left me.

She sighed and continued. “If you're anything like me, you fall in love easily.” I looked over at her and saw a wistful expression I'd worn myself. She had memories on her shelf, too, memories of … not my dad. She had loved others. “You'll stay in love unless all hope is lost. Any boy ... any man will do as long as he treats you halfway decent, and you'll give your love away over and over to try to get his love in return. But that's not how it is for guys, even the lovers. Boys don't fall in love easily ... not most of them. You have to earn their love and respect and you earn it by holding out for sex.”

I realized then that that's what I wanted from Cole. He said he loved me, but I knew he didn't mean it. I hoped he cared, that it wasn't all about sex, but I wasn't sure. I gave him so much of me, for so long. I wasted time and money and emotion on that boy hoping he would come around to really love me. And now my mom was telling me how I had to hold out on sex to get him to love me. I couldn't ask her if it worked retroactively so I asked the next best thing I could come up with, “How long do you hold out?”

“Here's where I say ...” She turned to me, looking the slightest bit stern, and said, “Until you're married.”

“That's so old fashioned.”

“No, it's not.”

“Well, what if you can't wait that long; how long then?”

She sighed again. “I can't give you a different answer; it's the one I think is best. If you want a man to love you for your whole life, if you want to be sure, you hold out until there's a ring on your finger. If he's not willing to work for you for that long, he's not worth it, and you're not worth it to him. It's simple and it's the hardest thing you'll ever have to do. You have to be a worthy challenge. You give them something to work for. Show him you're worth his time and energy and love and respect. Make him work for you. Make sure he really does love you before you have sex, not the other way around. Cole wants you. I see it in the way he looks at you. If you give in, he's won; there won't be much else he'll care to learn about you. He'll have the answers to everything a boy wants to know about a girl. Grow him up, Tatum. Make him a man. Don't entertain him until he earns your attention. Don't let him take advantage of you.”

“He's not like that.” He was exactly like that.

“I don't know him and what he's like, but I know you. I don't like the fighting and tears; that's not my girl. That's not you. That's desperation, and you don't need a boy that makes you feel desperate for affection. You need a boy who will pine for you and treat you like the princess you are.”

“I don't need your help with my relationship.”

“Fair enough. I'll just say one more thing, and then we can be done if you want. Sweetie, you are worth a boy working for. You are worth a boy climbing Mt. Everest, crossing the ocean, or building a castle to declare his love. You know, there's a man somewhere that did that? I think it was Florida ... he built a whole castle of rock, by hand, for the woman he loved. They'll do that—the right guy will love you that much. And you are worth it. And if Cole won't give it to you, don't settle for less because he's popular or cute or whatever is keeping you with him. If he thinks you're worth it, he will do whatever you say to be with you. Trust me: the right guy will stick around as long as it takes.

“That's mean.”

“Why?”

“It's leading them on.”

“Is it? So you should be with every boy that says he likes you?”

“No, but … you can't make a guy climb Mt. Everest to prove his love for you.”

“Why not?!” she asked with a devilish laugh. “How else do you know he'll really be there for you when you need him? How else does he know? It's a favor to them, too. They'll say anything to get you to sleep with them. You can't listen to what they say; you have to watch what they do.”

“You make it sound like it's all about sex.”

“It is!” She smiled and reached over to pat my hand. “At this age, trust me; it is all about sex for the boys.” I knew that; I was living it. Cole would say anything when he wanted me, but maybe my mom was right—he already won me, but I didn't want her to know, so I flipped it back to her.

“How do you know?”

She took a deep breath and sighed and drove a mile or more before coming clean. “Because I was your age once and wanted nothing more than to have a boy loves me. I see you look at Cole the way I used to look at a boy.”

“At Daddy?”

“No, not Daddy. Someone else ...” She took another exaggerated breath. “
Someones,
” she stressed. “I thought if I gave them what they wanted they would love me back the way I wanted. I did love them. I loved them so much. When you grow up in a small town like I did it was almost like there was nothing else to do when you started going out but tip cows and make out. I thought it was part of the deal. I don't know if it ever meant anything to them, but it meant something to me.”

“How many are we talking here?” I asked, slightly disgusted and disappointed in my mother.

“Does it matter?”

“Kind of ...”

“It doesn't matter.”

“It does. How many guys are we talking, Mom? How many before Daddy?”

“Enough ...”

“How many?” I couldn't imagine either of my parents with anyone but each other, let alone with multiple partners. Until then I never really thought about it, but she was being so evasive.

“How many is too many?” she asked.

I thought about it. How many
was
too many? I only wanted her with my dad. Anyone other than him, even if it was before him, was too many. I didn't want to answer. I was mad at her, but at the same time I did want to know because I was just like her with Cole. I already knew we weren't a forever kind of thing.

“Does Daddy know?”

“Yes and no. He knows enough to know he wasn't my first but not everything. He definitely doesn't know how much some of them meant to me ... I would like to keep it that way.” She was vulnerable. I respected her for that but I still couldn't believe it.

“Are you talking about having sex with other guys? Like sex-sex ... or other stuff?” I didn't want to say what I was thinking. I hoped she got what I meant.

“None of it is little but, yes, I'm talking about sex-sex. I know all of this because I lived it. I want to save you from some of the pain I went through. Let him earn your love; don't give in. If he loves you ... he'll prove it,” she said.

“What's so bad about it anyway? You make it seem like it's so bad. If it it’s so bad how come people do it all the time?”

“No, it's not bad ... that's the whole point. It's
that
good. It's special; it's yourself you're giving to someone else and they're giving you themselves. You can shake hands or hug anyone, but that's a part of you that you don't give to everyone because once you give it, you can never take it back ... and they will always be with you and you with them. It's special and shouldn't be given away lightly.”

“It's not that big of a deal.”

“Then why did it matter to you how many guys I was with? Why do we make judgments about people who sleep around or cheat? Why are there talk shows about girls who don't know who the father of their child is? I suppose maybe for some people ... maybe ... it's not that big of a deal, but I don't think so. I certainly don't think so for you; you're too much like me.”

“I'm not like you ...”

She smiled and shrugged. “Let's hope not.”

That was it. She let me have the last word even though it was mean. I felt bad about that later. The worst part was that everything she was saying made sense but I couldn't admit it.

I loved Cole. I would do anything for him. He didn't love me and I knew it. I hated how his lack of regard made me want him more. I always called him first and he brushed me off after a little bit, and I told myself I wouldn't call again until he called me, but when he didn't, I called him. I hated it. I thought I was a strong, proud girl. I knew I was cute. I knew there were other boys who probably wanted me, and I was trying to be loyal to this jerk that played the field as much outside practice as he did during it. He only really cared when he wanted my body. I always knew it, too; that's the only time he called first. I knew what he wanted and I was mad at him for being a lousy boyfriend.

I was such an idiot. I was tired of being one.

I decided to break up with Cole.

I hoped he would beg and plead for me to change my mind. I wanted him to love me enough to prove it to me. That's not what he did at all.

THE NEXT FRIDAY
he called to see if I wanted to go out. His parents were working late, I knew the real reason he called. We would have dinner, watch a movie, and it would end at his house, in his room, in his bed, the way it had for the last eight months before. We ate in the mall food court and saw two girls, juniors obviously crushing on my boyfriend, right in front of me. I wanted him to put his arm around me but, instead, he got up and gave one girl a big old hug and told her how good it was to see her. It was like I wasn't even there. The girls were being girls. I mean, they knew we were together but they were flirting like girls do. He was the one I was mad at. He could have hugged her then sat back down by me. He could have included me in the conversation; instead, I was invisible. But I wasn't. Everything my mom said hit me in the gut like a sucker punch. I was better than this, I was better than him. I deserved more. I wanted more and I knew, in that moment, I would never get it from Cole no matter how much I begged or he promised or we fought.

I was done.

When the girls walked away, with backward waves and smiles, I tried to break it to him gently. “I don't think we should see each other anymore.”

Part of me didn't know what I was doing; part of me wondered why it had taken so long.

He looked at me in disbelief, then lowered his eyes to his food, nodded his head and said, “Probably best ... school's getting ready to start again, it'll be a fresh start for both of us.”

Probably best?! Fresh start! That was it? What a jerk!

“Yeah, that's what I was thinking,” I said. I wanted him to feel bad about it. “It's not like we have much in common other than baseball.”

“Yeah, well, you know, I'm here if you change your mind,” he said, reaching for a handful of fries. “Or ... at least ... we can still be friends, right?” He shoved the fries in his mouth, wouldn't even look at me.

“Yeah, sure ...”

“So you wanna do the movie or nah?” he asked.

“I don't think so.”

“All right, c'mere,” he said, and stood up and finally came over to me. That's when he hugged me and looked down at me. Why couldn't he have done that when they were here? For a second I thought maybe he would ask me to change my mind, but no. “It's been real,” he said. “I won't be able to drive out Canyon Road and not think about you ... 'Member that?”