This conversation was getting
uncomfortable. “Mom, I promise that I’ll take advantage of the opportunities that
you weren’t able because of me.” I glanced over at her. She looked sad.
“You know I didn’t mean it like
that. I don’t regret marrying your father and having you. I don’t want you to
ever think that! I love you with all my heart and soul,” she said, leaning over
and giving me a kiss on the forehead.
“Close your eyes and try and get
some sleep. I’ll be right back. I need to call your father and tell him to pay
the babysitter when he gets home. I’m not sure what time I’ll be home.”
She got up and began walking to
the door. I partially closed my eyes as my mother left the room, but kept one
open to make sure that she would return. I quickly closed them for real when
she walked back in.
“I saw that,” she said sitting
down on one of the rooms chairs. I slept for an hour and when I woke up my
mother was still there.
“You stayed.”
“Of course I did. I wanted to wait
until you were awake to leave, but I really do have to go now. Your father
called while you were sleeping and Spenser somehow managed to get glue in his
hair and he get can’t figure out how to get it out. I need to go save him.”
I chuckled. “Only dad.” That’s
when I remembered the funeral. “Mom, Bryn told me Ryan’s parents planned his
funeral for Thursday. I’d really like it if you and Dad would come with me. I
want to say goodbye.”
She nodded. “Of course we’ll go
with you.” She leaned over, kissed my cheek and walked out the door.
"Are you ready to go?" My father asked from the
doorway. I glanced over.
"Where have you been? I thought you said you’d be here
early. It’s 11:30 and I want to go home!”
“I’d never been so happy to put on my own clothes in my
life. The hospital gowns that the hospitals give you are flimsy and see
through. I’ve gotten sick of lying in bed all the time, it’s so boring. I just
don’t understand why we have to wait for the nurse anyway? I can walk just
fine.” I got up from the bed and started to take a few steps and stumbled. I
had to reach for the chair to steady myself.
“That’s why.” My dad smiled at me. “It’s also hospital
rules. They don’t want anyone to slip and fall and end up suing the hospital.”
A few minutes later, he was rolling me down the hallway.
“Don’t forget about Ryan’s funeral tomorrow. Mom did tell
you about it, right?” I asked, turning my head around to look at him.
He nodded. “Yes, and I even told work I wouldn’t be in at
all tomorrow.”
“Thanks, Dad.” He was an engineer at Excellus Inc., a
company that puts motors in bicycles. Sometimes he even brings my little
brothers to visit him at work. They love to see the bikes.
“You’re welcome.” He stopped at the elevator and I reached
over to press the button.
“Are you going down?” a voice came from behind me.
“Yes. I can’t wait to get out of this place, what about y…”
I didn’t get to finish my sentence. Balancing on a pair of crutches was the
cutest guy I’d seen in a while. He had jet-black hair, one stray piece curled
under his ear, and eyes as dark as midnight. He grinned.
The elevator doors opened a few minutes later. My dad pulled
the wheelchair in backwards and moved over closer to the wall so that the guy
could get in. I felt my face getting hot as his arm brushed mine. I stared at
the doors the whole ride.
When we got to the car, I started to get up but my father
nudged me down.
“I’ll help you, give me a second."He came over and helped
me out of the seat and into the car. The feel of leather against my skin felt
so good. I took in a deep breath to smell anything but hospital stench. He
threw my overnight bag in the backseat, got up front, and started the car.
As my dad drove away from the hospital, I glanced around.
This may sound cliché, but everything around me seemed brighter, newer since
the accident. I didn’t think I’d be taking anything for granted anymore.
As we pulled into my driveway, I noticed an unfamiliar car
parked there.
“I didn’t know we’d have company.” I said turning to my dad,
a confused look on my face.
“I didn’t, either. Let’s go see who it is,” he said getting
out of the car. I followed slowly; noticing that after a week of sitting in a
hospital bed it was a little hard to get my legs to obey my brain. I wobbled to
the door. I walked in and heard my mother talking to someone in the kitchen. I
couldn’t place the voice at first, but as soon as I turned the corner I knew exactly
who it was. Nick was sitting in my kitchen, drinking a pop with my mother.
She glanced up as we walked in.
“Here she is. Well, it was nice talking to you, Nick,” she
said getting up. She motioned to my father to follow her out of the kitchen.
I stood there, not sure what to say. Nick had changed his
hair since his hospital visit. His long, blonde hair was gone and it was styled
in a military cut.
“You didn’t tell me you were going to cut your hair off.” I
chided quietly. I didn’t know what else to say.
He shrugged. “I didn’t know I needed your permission.”
“You don’t. It’s just I liked your long hair, that’s all.”
He chuckled. “I was kidding. I just came to see if you were
all right after our conversation at the hospital. I know Ryan’s funeral is
tomorrow.”
I nodded. “I know. My parents are coming with me.” I didn’t
know why it was suddenly so hard to talk to Nick. It felt almost awkward after
our conversation at the hospital.
“That’s good. I wouldn’t want you to go alone.” He blushed.
“I guess I’ll see you there, then,” he said walking over to the trash to throw
his empty pop can away.
“Why are you here, Nick?” I asked, harshly. I hadn’t meant
for it to come out that way, but I was still a little on edge with everything
going on.
“No reason. I just wanted to check on you,” he said, walking
away. I stood there, not knowing what else to say.
“Thanks for coming to visit.” I began closing the door, but
stopped when he turned around.
“Lauren, I’m sorry about Ryan.”
“Thanks.” I did appreciate the fact that he came over when I
got out of the hospital.
I felt my mother’s hand on my shoulder, “Nick’s a nice boy,”
she said. I hadn’t even heard her come up behind me.
I turned to her. “If you think Nick’s nice, you don’t know
him at all.” I said.
“Well, you may think differently if you get to know him
better.”
I turned and ran upstairs, tears of frustration threatening
to spill over. I slammed the door, threw myself on my bed, and started to cry.
I cried until I felt like I was going to drown in my tears. My purple silk comforter
felt damp where I laid my head, but I didn’t care. The last few days hadn’t
exactly turned out how I thought that they would.
A week ago, I’d been getting ready to graduate high school.
I was excited about starting college. I had a boyfriend that loved me and
wonderful friends, what else could a girl ask for? Now, my life has turned
upside down. My boyfriend was dead, my friends had all betrayed me and I've got
someone I didn’t know sending me weird text messages.
I glanced around my room. My bed, a double, was in the
middle of the room with night stands on the sides of it in dark cherry wood. A
dresser, in the same wood was right across from the bed and a small desk was
shoved in the corner. The desk chair was so covered with clothes that you
couldn’t see it. I had pictures hung everywhere from when I’d dabbled in
photography. They’d turned out pretty good for a fourteen year old, but I’d
given up on taking photos unless they were with a disposable camera.
Everywhere I looked, there was something to remind me of
Ryan: the stuffed bear he bought me for our one-month anniversary. It had been
so sweet. He’d bought me a box of chocolates, also, but ended up giving me an
empty box, apologizing that he’d gotten hungry and ate them.
My copy of
Pride and Prejudice
lay forgotten on the
bookshelf, the cover almost falling off from being read so many times. We were
paired up together our freshman year and were supposed to read the book and
then act out a scene from it. Ryan had forgotten and instead he’d gone and
played basketball with some friends and we ended up getting incompletes. I was
so mad that I didn’t talk to him for a whole week.
I couldn’t deal with all the memories right now. It was just
too hard. As much as I was mad at him, I couldn’t stay like that forever. That
wouldn’t be fair to him or our relationship. I wasn’t the kind of person to
hold a grudge for long. I got mad, screamed and yelled, threw things, and then
it was over. I was fine.
I walked out of my room and yelled over the banister, “Mom,
do you we have any boxes?”
She ran up. “You could have come downstairs, you didn’t have
to yell. Yes, we have boxes, what do you need it for?”
“I want to clean out the stuff Ryan gave me and put it into
the attic.” I explained.
Her face paled, “Are you sure you want to do that right now?
Don’t you think you should wait a few more days until you’re more healed?”
I shook my head. “No. I want to do it now,” I insisted and
headed back to my room.
A few minutes later, she came upstairs with two boxes in her
hand.
“Here you go. I brought you two just in case. Do you want
some help?” she asked.
I shook my head, “No. I want to do this on my own. I
wouldn’t mind help putting them in the attic when I’m done, though.” She
nodded, squeezing my shoulder before she left the room.
I glanced around the room and sighed. I walked over to my CD
collection and began picking out the ones that reminded me of Ryan. Almost all
of them, reminded me of Ryan in some way, so I threw them all in. I could
always listen to the radio, instead. Every card and picture of us went in the
box. It filled up fast. I grabbed the second one and continued filling, I threw
in my copy of Pride and Prejudice, movies we had watched together, and some old
jewelry I’d stumbled on. When I was done, the room looked barren.
A few minutes later, I heard a knock at the door and walked
over to open it. My mom was standing in the hallway holding a plate with a
peanut butter and jelly sandwich and chips, a pop in the other hand.
“I thought you might be hungry. Dad told me you didn’t eat
your breakfast before you left the hospital.” She set the plate down on my
nightstand and glanced around. “When you said that you were going to clear out
your room I didn’t think that you meant everything in it. Practically the only
things left are your furniture and stereo, where’d everything go?” she asked. I
pointed to the two boxes sitting in the corner.
“Don’t you think you went a little overboard?” she
questioned.
I shook my head. “It’s painful to have reminders of Ryan
right now. There are other things that you don’t know about that situation.”
She looked sad. I sighed. “When I feel like talking about things we can sit
down and have one of our long conversations, but for now can you just leave me
alone?”
“I just want you to know that you don’t have to get rid of
Ryan so fast. He was part of your life for four years and that’s hard to
forget. Just don’t dwell too much on him and forget to live your life, kay?”She
came over and sat on the bed.
I turned to her. “Do you want to know what’s bothering me?”
I paused to take a breath, “I just found out that Ryan was cheating on me with
Elisabeth, my best friend, of all people!”
“I’m sorry. I know that he hurt you by doing that,” she said.
I continued speaking, “You haven’t heard the best part. On
the way to the restaurant he broke up with me. I was the reason that he wasn’t
looking at the road when the car came barreling at us, he was looking at me
instead.” Tears welled in my eyes.
“Honey, it’s not your fault Ryan’s gone. Do not even think
that for one minute. I didn’t want to tell you this, but the papers are saying
Ryan’s brake line was severed and that’s why his brakes wouldn’t work. So, I
don’t want to hear you blaming yourself for Ryan’s death again. It’s not your
fault.”
I couldn’t believe what I had just heard. Someone had cut
the brakes on Ryan’s car. I wondered who would even do such a thing. Did they
want him to die? I wondered if there was more that I didn’t know.
“That can’t be true!” I said, voice shaking. “Nobody would
be cruel enough to do that to another human being. Especially not Ryan,
everyone loved him. He was even voted Most Popular in our senior poll. You have
to be mistaken, you just do.” My hands were shaking.
“I’m sorry, honey. Maybe you should lay down for a bit. You
can always eat later,” she said moving the plate to my dresser. I’d forgotten
about it. I curled onto a little ball and just lay there.
I heard my mother leave the room, but didn’t glance up.
Is
there ever going to be an end to the pain I’m feeling?
I glanced up and noticed that my mother had left the boxes
sitting by the door. I got up, dug through the first one until I found the
teddy bear, and held on tight. I guess I wasn’t ready to give up on everything
yet.
I woke up a few hours later and the sky was pitch black. I
glanced at my bedside clock and saw it said 11’oclock. I’d been sleeping for
the last ten hours. I blinked recognizing my own room and realized that I was
no longer in the hospital. My stomach grumbled. I was starving.
I walked over at the dresser and saw that the plate from earlier
was still sitting there and picked up the sandwich. My mom had made peanut
butter and jelly, my favorite. I sat up and pulled the plate into my lap. I
took a bite and noticed that the bread had gotten a little soggy from sitting
out, but at this point, I didn’t care. I cracked open the pop can, wincing at
the deafening pop the can made in the silent house. Nobody stirred. My parents
were usually asleep at this time of night and I didn’t feel like waking them
up.