Change of Heart (23 page)

I tilted my head down and gave Arielle a soft kiss on her forehead, running my lips against the smooth skin there. Then, before I could change my mind, I handed her over to Liz.

“Send me pictures and updates?” I asked as I pulled on my coat.

“Absolutely,” Liz assured me. “We don't have anything going on today so Arielle and I will just be puttering around the house.”

“Is Dan home for the day?”

“He went into the office for a little bit, but I think he'll be home around ten. We're good, Ani.”

“Okay.” I racked my brain for anything else to talk about to delay my departure, but after a few moments, I sucked it up and nodded at Liz.

I left the house with a sinking feeling in my stomach and had to work really hard to keep the tears at bay while I drove to the logging office. It was silly. I'd left Arielle with Liz before, and I knew she was perfectly fine. Actually, leaving Arie with Liz didn't bother me at all, normally.

But dropping her off so I could go to work was the first step in a precedent I was setting where I would be gone from her for nine hours a day, five days a week. Going back to work was the end of spending every day together. It was the beginning of our new schedule, and I
hated
our new schedule.

I would not cry.

I sniffled.

I would get my shit together.

I shuddered.

I would do my job, and I would not call Liz five hundred times to check on Arielle.

I glanced at my phone.

Stepping into the office a few minutes later was beyond odd.

So many things had happened since the last time I'd been there that nothing seemed familiar anymore. My desk and chair still sat in the front office, my photo of Kate and me was still sitting on the file cabinet against the back wall, and my coffee mug was still on the corner near my monitor, but nothing looked the same. Everything felt different.

For the first time, I didn't want to be there. I'd always loved my job because it gave me a sense of safety. It made me independent, able to take care of my bills and provide for myself. Now, when it should have been even more important to me since I had another person to support, I hated it.

“Welcome back!” voices yelled as I set my purse down on my desk.

“Holy shit!” I yelped, jerking in surprise as Dan, Mike, Trevor, and Bram came out of their offices. I should have noticed that the office was abnormally quiet when I'd walked in. They'd been lying in wait.

“Bram brought donuts!” Trev called as they all lumbered toward my desk. “Dibs on the bear claw.”

“Happy to have you back,” Mike said sweetly, patting my back a few times as he leaned in for a hug.

“Arielle get all set with Lizzy?” Dan asked, hugging me after Mike had let go.

“Yep,” I said with a rueful smile. “She was fine. I was the one having a panic attack.”

I glanced at Bram across my desk as he grabbed a maple bar out of the donut box. When his head came up and his eyes met mine, he gave me an uncomfortable smile, taking a bite of his donut. He didn't say a word.

While everyone else was teasing me about being gone so long and asking about Arielle, Bram was noticeably silent. He stayed in the front office with everyone else, but held himself apart.

“All right,” I finally said as Mike and Dan started arguing about some reality singing show they watched with their wives. “Everyone out. I have a ton of shit to go through to make sure the temp didn't fuck up my files.”

“Nah, he did good,” Trev said, grabbing one last donut. “It was a guy who'd worked in an office like ours before.”

“Well, I still want to go through it,” I replied stubbornly. “Out.”

“Here for thirty minutes and she's already bossing us around,” Dan complained to Mike as they walked back toward their offices.

“Thank God, someone needs to,” Trevor joked, following them.

When everyone but Bram and I had gone back to work, he finally spoke.

“You look miserable,” he said quietly, stepping closer to my desk as I sat down in my chair.

“It'll get better,” I replied. “First day jitters, probably.”

“Did you even sleep last night?”

“Not much.” I pressed the power button on my computer and kept my eyes on the monitor. “Was there something you needed?”

Bram made a noise in his throat, then cleared it. “Nope.”

He walked away, and I breathed a sigh of relief. We hadn't seen each other since the day he'd stormed out of my house, and I didn't want to deal with our drama while I was at work. He hadn't shown up to family dinner the Friday before, and I'd been glad then because I hadn't wanted to see him, but I should have realized that it would make my first day back at work even harder.

I felt comfortable around Bram. Always. Even when we were fighting, I didn't feel uncomfortable or weird. However, I knew that, the next time we talked, shit was going to blow up. I could feel it in the air, like the sensation you get when you walk outside and just know it's going to rain. The minute Bram and I were able to exchange more than just pleasantries, everything was going to burst wide open. The last three times we'd seen each other was merely a prelude to the battle I knew was coming.

I cursed as my computer finally started running and nothing was where it was supposed to be. It was going to be a long fucking day.

My phone dinged as I tried to figure out what in God's name the temp had done to my files, and I smiled as Liz's name popped up. I opened the text messages to find a picture of a sleeping Arielle, her hands spread wide and a little message written at the bottom.

The day wasn't going to be long. It was going to be long and
excruciating
.

“Did you miss me today?” I asked Arielle later that week as I fed her a bottle. “I missed you like crazy.”

I rested my head against the back of the couch and sighed. I was so tired. I'd thought that the first couple of weeks when Arielle woke up every two hours was hard, but it had nothing on waking up with her at night and then still going to work at seven thirty the next morning. Katie was right when she'd said that I needed maternity leave. I wished I was still on it.

“Hey, Ani! Your favorite person in the world is calling. Hey, Ani! Your favorite person in the world is calling.”

“Crap,” I groaned, leaning over to grab my purse on the other end of the couch. “I don't know when your uncle Alex got my phone but his ringtone is even more obnoxious now.”

“Hey, asshole,” I answered when I finally found my phone in the bottom of my purse.

“Hey, pretty girl. How's it going?”

“Good, just feeding Arielle. Do you think it's cool if I just went to bed at seven? Arie goes to sleep at seven so I'm feeling like that would be totally acceptable.”

“Tired, huh?” he asked with a laugh.

“Yeah, working all day is kicking my ass.”

“You'll get the hang of it.”

“God willing,” I muttered.

“How's she doing?”

“Great,” I groaned, pulling the bottle out of Arie's mouth as it went slack. “She's, like, thriving and shit.”

“Isn't that a good thing?”

“Yes, it's a good thing. But I'm missing everything!”

“No you're not,” Alex argued. “Moms have been working full-time for fifty years, and they haven't been ‘missing everything' or all their kids would hate them.”

“Was that supposed to make me feel better?” I groused, lifting Arie up to burp her.

“Yes?”

“Well, it didn't.”

“Lots of moms have to work, Ani. You're not doing anything wrong.”

“I know that,” I snapped, then immediately tempered my voice. “I just wish that I could be independently wealthy or win the lottery or something so I didn't have to leave her every day.”

“Yeah, I hear you.” He paused. “Hey, have you talked to Bram lately?”

“I see him at the office every day. Why?” I asked, pushing myself up off the couch. Arielle was going straight to bed so I could, too, do not pass go, do not collect a bath or change into pajamas.

“Just wondering when you two will get your shit together,” Alex said lightly, laughing when I growled.

“Why is everyone all up in our shit all the time?” I hissed as I laid Arie down in her bassinet. Thankfully, she didn't stir as I threaded her arms into and then zipped up the little sleep sack she slept in. “We didn't work out.”

“If you would get your heads out of your asses, you'd work out!” Alex replied in exasperation. “Jesus, Bram's got this shit hang-up that dates back to our mother, and you can't see the forest for the trees. It's ridiculous and annoying as fuck.”

I dropped down to my mattress and stared at my bedroom door. “Hang-up that dates back to your mother?” I asked softly, making Alex curse.

“You need to ask Bram about that,” he muttered.

“I'm asking you.”

“Well, it's not my story to tell.”

“I don't care.”

“Well, I
do
care. I don't even remember half the shit he remembers, okay, Ani? He's got all this shit floating around in his head, and I don't even know how to talk to him about it because I
cannot fucking remember it
.” Alex's voice grew rough, and I heard his teeth snap shut as he finished talking.

“I'm not even sure what to say to that,” I replied, kicking off my shoes and standing up to strip off my jeans. At least the dress code at work was one point in its favor. Jeans and T-shirts were pretty much the uniform.

“I just wish you'd talk to him,” Alex finally said as I climbed into bed in my T-shirt and panties. “I don't think he's sleeping, and you sound like shit too. Something's gotta give.”

“I'm fine—just getting used to having an infant and a full-time job,” I retorted.

“You don't miss Abraham at all?” Alex asked.

I opened my mouth to agree but couldn't do it. Even if I thought I could lie to Alex, which I'd never been able to do before without him seeing through me, I couldn't disregard Bram like that.

“Yes, I miss him,” I finally said. “But it is what it is.”

“Wrong.”

“You're a nosy pain in the ass, but I love you anyway,” I said with a snort. “But I'm so fucking tired I'm going to fall asleep on the phone.”

“You're in bed already?”

“I told you I was going to sleep at seven. It's seven,” I replied, pushing my face against the cool pillow under my head.

“Fine, but I have one more question for you,” Alex said seriously, making me tense. “What are you wearing?”

“Fuck off,” I laughed, hanging up on him.

I set the alarm on my phone and set it on my nightstand before rolling to my back in the middle of the bed.

What had Alex been talking about when he'd mentioned Bram's hang-up? From comments made over the years, I'd been under the impression that Bram and Alex's mom was one of the good ones. They hadn't had a shitty home life like I'd had. Their mom had actually died, leaving the boys wards of the state. I didn't think that they'd ever known who their dad was—we were alike in that respect—but beyond that, our stories couldn't have been more different.

So what the hell was Alex trying to imply?

I curled onto my side and pulled a pillow to my chest. My eyes were heavy as I looked out the window, but I knew it would be a while before I actually fell asleep. Nighttime was when I missed Bram the most. Throughout the day, I could keep myself busy enough that I didn't think about him as much, but after Arielle was asleep in her bed and the house was quiet and still, his absence in my life seemed to magnify.

He'd been so adamant that he wanted to be with me the day he'd caught us in the bath, but I couldn't trust him. How was I supposed to believe that he'd changed his mind? Our disagreement hadn't been as trivial as where we wanted to live or how we spent our money. Having a child was a huge undertaking. It meant that you were dedicated to that child for the rest of your life. It was an even more binding and important commitment than marriage.

That's the part that I couldn't get past. Abraham wasn't asking me to date him, or if he was, he was completely out of touch with reality. He was asking for a lifetime commitment, if not to me than to Arielle. But he couldn't just decide a few years down the road that we weren't working out. Even if he stopped loving me, he'd still be Arielle's parent. It wasn't something he could change his mind about, and the fact that his decision came out of nowhere made it even harder to believe.

My eyes filled with tears as I thought about the way he'd been dragging his body through the door of the office every morning, smiling at me tiredly as he made his way back to his office. He wasn't sleeping, at least not as much as he needed to be.

I wiped my face and pressed it harder into the pillow, trying in vain to fall asleep.

I was pretty sure I didn't look any better than Bram.

Y
ou told her
what
?” I yelled into my phone, hearing the case crack in my hand.

“I mentioned that you had a hang-up about our mom,” Alex answered sheepishly. “It just slipped out! I was irritated as fuck that you two were being such idiots, and I—”

“It's none of your fucking business, Alex,” I yelled again, pressing my fingers into my eye sockets. “You really think that telling Ani that I'm still dealing with shit from when we were six years old is going to help the situation?”

“Well, it couldn't fucking hurt!” Alex yelled back.

“She's got Arielle to think about, and you made me sound like I can't get my shit together. How do you think that looks?”

“It wasn't like that, Abraham,” Alex replied, his voice back to normal. “We were just talking about why you two weren't together and—”

“Why the fuck are you even discussing my relationship with Ani?” I cut him off. I was livid. I'd known the moment I answered the phone that Alex felt like shit about something, and as soon as he began speaking, I'd wanted to reach through the phone and strangle him.

I was so tired that it was giving me a sour stomach, and my eyes felt like they were covered in sand. The only thing keeping me awake in the warm confines of my truck was the fact that Alex was trying to talk his way out of the fact that he'd completely screwed up.

“Because life is too fucking short,” Alex barked. “You two need to get your shit together.”

“That's
my
problem,” I growled. “
Mine
. If I want to tell Ani shit about our mother, I will tell her. It's not your fucking place!”

“I'm not going to stop talking to Ani because you've got some fucked-up desire to piss on her leg,” Alex argued, his voice low. “She's one of my best friends. Just because you're fucking her doesn't mean that's going to change.”

“I don't give a shit if you two want to play Call of Duty or paint each other's nails,” I replied derisively. “I'm telling you right now to stop discussing me with Ani. I'll take care of this. I don't need you fucking shit up more than it already is.”

“Jesus Christ,” Alex breathed, barking out a laugh. “Abraham, I'm pretty sure you're fucking this up all on your own.”

The line went silent, and I pulled my phone away from my ear to find that the fucker had hung up on me.

I was sitting in my truck in front of my parents' house, and I'd taken Alex's call so I could put off going inside. I'd missed family dinner the week before because I'd fallen asleep on my couch without even taking my boots off. I was barely sleeping at night, and when I did, I still didn't feel rested the next morning.

Things with Ani and me were tense, but I didn't know what the hell to do about it. I'd laid it all out. I'd told her exactly what I wanted, and then I'd waited for her to come to me—but she hadn't.

I'd seen her at work, and I'd gone to my mom's on my lunch break to see Arielle, but Ani still hadn't said a word about our conversation. She seemed perfectly fine with the way things were going, while I was a fucking mess.

I scratched my fingers through my beard and hopped out of the truck, frustration and overwhelming exhaustion making my movements sharp and jerky. I was running on adrenaline, and the crash was going to hit me hard. My conversation with Alex had pissed me off, and knowing that Ani was just inside the house made that anger magnify by a thousand.

How could she just write me off? She said she fucking loved me, but what? I wasn't good enough for her because I hadn't wanted kids before I met Arielle? If that was the case, why did she keep spouting off about how she still loved me?

I climbed the steps and walked in the front door without knocking. The closer I got to Ani, the more frustrated I got, and the minute I heard her laughing voice in the kitchen, any patience I'd had was lost.

“Anita,” I growled as I cleared the doorway, making my mom and Aunt Ellie's heads shoot up in surprise.

“Abraham,” my mom called in warning.

“Outside,” I ordered, ignoring my mom as I herded Ani toward the back door.

She didn't argue with me, just took one last look at Arielle, who was swinging back and forth in her little swing at the edge of the kitchen, before leading me outside.

As soon as we'd hit the back porch and I'd slammed the door behind us, Ani wrapped her arms around herself and lifted her chin. “What's up?” she asked calmly.

The lack of emotion in her voice made me crazy.

“Why the fuck are you discussing me with Alex?” I yelled, making her jerk in surprise. “How the fuck is any of this his business?”

It wasn't what I'd wanted to say. I wanted to ask why she hadn't called. I wanted to know why she didn't want me. Why she didn't even seem to miss me anymore. I wanted to know if she still loved me.

But I wasn't going to actually say any of that. I'd already told her what I wanted. She knew where I was at, and she simply didn't care. I wasn't going to lie back down so she could step over me and walk away again.

“Are you joking?” Ani asked in surprise, her hands fisting.

“Do I look like I'm joking?”

“No, you look like you're going to fall over. Why don't you go get some rest and then we can talk again when you aren't completely losing it.”

“I can't fucking rest, Anita!” I hissed, taking a step toward her. “I feel like shit all the time. And you seem to be doing just fucking fine. You don't want to be with me? Then just say it!”

Ani's mouth trembled, and her cheek puckered.

“Just say it,” I insisted, taking another step forward. “Because this is absolute bullshit! I know I fucked up! I know that I acted like a pussy, and I ran—”

“Why did you run, Abraham?” she asked tearfully, cutting me off.

“Because I didn't think I wanted kids and—”

“No,” she cut me off again. “The truth.”

“That is the fucking truth!”

“Not the whole truth,” she argued, shaking her head slowly from side to side.

“What do you want me to say, here?”

“I want you to tell me why you had a change of heart,” Ani said simply, like the answer was something easily given.

“I just did,” I replied stubbornly through my teeth.

“No. You didn't.”

“Because I fell in love with Arielle. From the second I held her, I knew. It was different with her. I don't know if she was just supposed to be mine, or if it was because she was yours, but there's never been a moment in her entire life that I haven't felt like her fucking parent!”

“But you didn't come to me then,” Ani whispered, tears running down her cheeks. “It wasn't until after Hen—”

“I didn't know if I could do it!” I roared, Ani's tears making me feel out of control. “What if something happened to her? What would that do to you?”

“Nothing's going to happen to her, Abraham,” Ani said, reaching out to touch me, then dropping her arm as I dodged her.

I couldn't take her hands on me then. I felt too volatile, my emotions too close to the surface.

“But what if something did?” I asked, throwing my hands in the air.

“What are you so afraid of?”

“Losing everything!” I yelled, my chest heaving. “If I lost you, I
might
survive. Barely. If I lost both of you? I'd be a fucking dead man.”

I clenched my eyes closed against the words and turned away, bracing my hands against the porch railing. Even saying the words out loud caused an almost visceral reaction in my body. Everything pulled tight, from my feet to my neck. I tightened my hands on the railing to keep myself from going down.

“Baby, we're not going anywhere,” Ani choked out, coming up behind me.

“My mother lost a baby,” I ground out as she laid her hand lightly at the base of my spine.

“Abraham,” Ani breathed, dropping her head against my back.

“And it's fucking stupid to bring that up—I'm not a child, and I realize that bad shit happens every day. I know that.”

“I know,” Ani whispered.

“You should have seen what it did to her, Ani. She just fucking faded, piece by piece. As I got older, I knew I didn't want that. I didn't want to take that chance.”

“Baby—”

“And I sure as fuck didn't want to take that chance with you,” I hissed, turning to face her.

She rocked back on her heels, but before she could pull away, I was gripping her head in my hands, pulling her face to mine.

“I'd never want that
for you
,” I murmured, resting my forehead against hers. “Honest to God, Anita. If you had listened to me, if you hadn't adopted Arielle, I would have never taken that chance.”

“That's the problem,” she replied hoarsely.

“No,” I ground out. “
No
. I'd never go back. I'd never in a million years go back to that—I got fucking lucky.” I swallowed hard, swaying a little. “I'm so fucking lucky that you didn't listen to me.”

“Baby?” Ani whispered fearfully as I began to slide sideways. “Abraham?”

“I'm okay,” I said, righting myself.

“No,” she gasped, pushing my body against the railing and bracing me up with her body. “What the fuck?”

“I'm so fucking tired,” I slurred, dropping my head to her shoulder as I tried to bring shit back into focus. I knew I was scaring her, but I couldn't stop the dizziness that hit me like a freight train. “Can't sleep without you.”

“Trevor!” Ani screamed as I tried to prop myself up.

“Jesus,” I groaned, using the railing behind me to steady myself. “I'm fine. Shit.”

“Everything okay?” Trevor asked less than a second later, popping his head out the back door. “Holy fuck, Bram!”

My vision was going spotty, and I shook my head to try and clear it.

“Trev,” I called as I felt my knees begin to buckle.

Then it was lights-out.

“Ani,” I said sometime later, opening my eyes in the dark. I knew immediately that I wasn't home in bed, and I groaned as the smell of my parents' house registered.

I'd passed out in the middle of yelling at Ani.
Smooth.

I could hear voices speaking quietly somewhere in the house as I crawled out of the bed and stumbled to the doorway of Katie's old room. It always took me a minute to get my land legs under me when I first woke up. It was something that had happened to me since I was a kid, and no matter how I tried to change my habits by staying in bed a few minutes after I'd woken up, I still walked around like a drunk for a full minute after I'd climbed out of bed.

It had made getting up with Arielle a bit of an ordeal as I'd waited to get steady before I'd lift the crying little miss from her bed.

I turned on the light by the doorway and glanced toward the playpen at the other end of the room, immediately shutting the light off again as I saw Arielle sleeping peacefully with her arms flung out to her sides.

Then I swallowed hard and stumbled into the hallway. The voices stopped when I got close to the living room, and as I stepped into view, I found six pairs of eyes staring at me in surprise.

“Abraham Daniel, you scared the shit out of me!” my mom bitched, coming off my dad's lap and bracing her hands on her hips.

“Bram was just exhausted,” my dad said soothingly, reaching out to tap Mom's butt with the back of his hand.

“Why the hell are you awake already?” my mom snapped, not ready to let go of her anger. She wasn't mad, not really, but sometimes when she was scared it morphed into anger.

“I—” My words cut off as I glanced at Ani's worried face. “Just tired,” I said as she stood up from the couch. “I'm okay.”

She moved fast, and when she hit my chest, we stumbled back a step because I hadn't really grown steady yet.

“Why aren't you sleeping?” she whispered against my chest. “You have to sleep, Abraham.” Her fingers dug into my back. “You scared me.”

“I'm sorry,” I whispered back, ignoring the people staring at us. “I didn't mean to scare you.”

“You went down, and I—”

“Shh,” I said soothingly.

“I caught you,” Trevor interrupted with a smile. “You're welcome.”

“Shit,” I groaned, making Ani laugh a little.

“What the hell
was
that?” my mom asked as she dropped back down onto my dad's lap, making him grunt.

“I haven't been sleeping very well,” I answered, walking Ani into the room so we could sit on one of the couches. “It must have just hit all at once.”

“Well, I've heard some doozies about trying to get out of an argument, but I gotta say, this one takes the cake,” Uncle Mike joked, shaking his head.

“I wasn't trying to—”

“Uh-huh,” my dad muttered like he wasn't convinced.

“Well, now that we know you're just sleepy, we're heading home,” Aunt Ellie said sweetly.

“I told you he was just tired,” my dad argued.

“I didn't know you were a doctor,” Aunt Ellie retorted, climbing to her feet and pulling Uncle Mike with her.

“Think I know my boy,” Dad griped as my mom stood up, too. “He's looked like shit for weeks.”

“Thanks, Dad,” I replied sarcastically, making Ani snicker.

I wanted to look at her, but I was afraid to see her expression. I'd passed out during the most important conversation of my life, and I was both embarrassed that it happened and worried as hell that everything I'd said had gotten me nowhere.

“See you guys later,” Trevor called, following his parents out the front door.

As soon as they'd gone, I leaned back on the couch and closed my eyes.

“Are you two staying here tonight?” Dad asked.