Because the children went on regular visits, I knew from them that Rick was still staying at the flat. Jenny explained he was between assignments and that his job up north had finished earlier than expected. She said he was going away again soon and that he usually went out when any of the children were visiting. Jenny seemed completely relaxed about Rick being at the flat.
Sam, on the other hand, was not. She asked me about Rick one day, when we were putting away the grocery shopping.
“Dad – if I ask you something will you please not get upset?”
My heart missed a beat, in a way that will be familiar to any parents of teenagers when asked this type of question. I’d no idea what might be coming. Was it a request for permission for a tattoo? Was she going to ask me how I’d feel about her moving in with a boyfriend - whose existence I knew nothing about? Or did she want to know how I’d feel about becoming a grandfather sooner than expected? My mind whirled through the potential questions.
“I’ll do my best,” I answered weakly.
“Are Mum and Rick – does Rick - does Mum - do you think they’re having an affair?”
I hadn’t seen that one coming. It was a question I couldn’t bear to think about – even although it popped into my head several times a day. But Sam was looking at me with expectation. She clearly needed me to think about it and to tell her my thoughts.
“I – well – I don’t think so – that is, I hope not. They went out together at uni, before Mum and I met, and they’ve sort of kept in touch – but that’s mainly because Mum and Lucy are friends. It just so happens that they’re sharing Granddad’s flat now. It wasn’t planned or anything. I think Mum’s got enough on her plate getting better - she’s not going to be…” I couldn’t complete that sentence. “They’re mates Sam. That’s all - just mates. I love Mum and she loves me.” I ran out of things to say.
“Are you sure – really sure, Dad?”
“Yes, Sam,” I tried my best to speak with conviction. And then I couldn’t help myself. “Why do you ask?”
“Oh, it’s just he’s usually there when I arrive, and comes back before I leave. Mum’s always so pleased to see him, and he puts his arm round her and stuff. I don’t like it. I can’t explain.”
It wasn’t easy but I tried to keep my voice neutral – reasonable. “It must be nice for Mum to have company, especially if she’s feeling poorly. No wonder she’s pleased to see him. According to Jenny he gets her shopping and helps her around the flat. And anyway he’ll be away again soon.”
“I suppose so. I don’t know how Jenny can be so cool with it, though. I think he’s a creep.”
Somehow I restrained myself from openly agreeing with her sentiments. “Try not to worry about it, sweetheart. There’s nothing going on, I’m sure.”
Max was simply happy to spend time with Rosie and, mercifully, he wasn’t distracted by Rick. He never really mentioned him in relation to Rosie. He said Rick had a cool car and was impressed by all his camera equipment, but that was about it. My mother or Sam took Max to see Rosie regularly. If Rosie was up to it they went for a walk. If not they watched DVDs together or he played his football manager game – a gift from Dan – that Dan had installed on Rosie’s laptop for just such occasions. At those times, Max said, Rosie would lie on the couch while he played and they’d chat about stuff or Rosie would sleep for a little while.
It was through the children that I got to know how Rosie really was – she never said much to me about the illness or her treatment when I phoned. I knew she was often sick at first, but that the anti-sickness drugs helped a bit. I knew she’d lost all her hair. Jenny thought she looked cool bald. Sam said it was awful to see her without hair. Max wouldn’t let her go out without her wig – which the girls said she hated – and he was terrified that anyone he knew would see his mother without her hair. Apparently she didn’t eat much, as she said everything tasted of metal, but she’d developed a liking for Starburst sweets and Jaffa cakes.
He just came out with it. Jenny was visiting Adam one Friday, after she’d finished work and, while they were in the middle of talking about something else, he said he wanted to see his mother.
When Jenny got home she hurtled through the front door, shouting, asking where I was. She almost collided with me in the doorway of the kitchen. She was so excited.
“Dad, oh, Dad – you’re not going to believe this!” She grasped both my arms. “It’s Adam – he wants to see Mum. Isn’t that just the best news?”
It was encouraging, of course, the kind of progress I’d been desperate for, but I was wary of getting too carried away. However, Jenny’s enthusiasm was infectious.
I laughed as I hugged her. “It’s great, Jenny. How did you do it?”
“Well, I’d like to take some of the credit, of course, but I think it was Robbie who swung it in the end. The two of them have been spending quite a bit of time together – at Ruby’s and at Robbie’s. Adam just said that something Robbie mentioned to him yesterday made him think he needed to see Mum and – he wants to see you too.”
I took a minute to digest this. “Did he mention coming home? Did you ask him?”
“Of course I asked. He said no, he isn’t coming home – not yet anyway - but that after talking to Robbie he wanted to see you and Mum and talk to you both together.”
Again I paused to absorb what she’d said. Jenny shook my arm. “What are you waiting for, Dad? Phone Mum – let her know. We need to get this set up.”
“Right,” I laughed.
“Yes, Ma’am.
I’ll call her right now.” Jenny went off to tell Sam and Max and I did as I was ordered.
“Hello, Rosie,” I said, as I took the phone through to the relative quiet of the den. I told her Jenny’s news.
“
Oh, Tom – that’s fantastic.
Clever Jenny!”
I could hear the smile in her voice as she spoke. “I’m - I can’t believe
- I
…” her voice broke up. “Oh, Tom,” she said again, really softly this time.
“I know, Rosie. I know. It’s great, isn’t it?” My own voice had gone quite weak and there was an ache at the back of my throat. I paused as, despite my efforts to maintain a sense of perspective, relief and joy flooded through me, threatening to reduce me to a whimpering idiot.
“So what do we do now?” Rosie regained the power of speech before I did.
“I don’t know. He says he’s not coming home – well not yet anyway. He wants to see us both and talk before he’ll consider it.”
“We could both meet him here, at the flat-at least that way it won’t matter how I’m feeling. Would he do that do you think – would he come here? Would you bring him here?”
I hesitated before I answered. I was amazed Rosie wanted us to meet Adam together, amazed and heartened. But I knew I mustn’t overreact or read too much into it.
Rosie must have sensed what I was thinking. “I think Adam needs to see us united - as his parents – that’s what he’s asking for. So we should meet him together and explain what’s going on. He needs reassurance from us both, Tom. We didn’t make a very good job of reassuring him before and now we’ve got a second chance. And I’d like you to be here when he sees me for the first time since – since my – since the cancer.”
I did my best to keep my voice level. “Okay then – let’s ask him to come to the flat. I’ll get it set up and let you know.”
It was actually Jenny who set it up. She phoned him the same evening and asked him to come to the flat the next day, a Saturday, in the afternoon. She had the day off work and offered to come too, something we all thought was a good idea. For me, that evening, there was the very pleasant task of phoning my mother, and of course, Ruby to give them the good news. At least, I hoped it was good news. As I came out of the euphoria of the mere fact that Adam wanted to see Rosie and me, some niggling doubts appeared. What if Adam wanted to tell us exactly what he thought of us – and not in a good way – and that he was leaving – going travelling – off to London, Africa, Australia and to hell with us.
The next day I was up very early. I’d been too wound up to sleep properly. It was the first night in a long time that Max hadn’t come through to sleep beside me, which was just as well, for his sake, as I was so restless.
It was a dull, damp morning but I was hopeful the sun would break through by lunchtime.
I couldn’t wait for the afternoon but I also felt apprehensive. I’d be seeing Adam and Rosie,
which
was good, but I was also scared. I was scared that if Adam was prepared to come home, I’d say the wrong thing and mess up in some way – or that Adam would declare his contempt for us and announce his imminent departure from Scotland – and Rosie would have even more to blame me for. As usual, when the pressure was on, I decided to go for a run along the beach. Toby came too.
The running helped. I managed to focus on the possibility of a positive outcome to the meeting with Adam. After all, Jenny had been so enthused, hadn’t she? She would have picked up on anything negative in Adam’s manner or intention. I was still nervous, but optimistically so.
The dog seemed to pick up on my nervousness and would periodically stop running along beside me and jump up and bark. I found myself saying to him in a barely suppressed shout, “They’re coming home Toby, they’re coming home! Adam and Rosie are coming home!” This made him bark all the more.
Of course, I knew they wouldn’t come home right away, that day, but surely they’d come soon. I was now convinced Adam wanted to see us for all the right reasons. I was getting on okay with Robbie. And, once I told Rosie the whole story of what happened seventeen years ago, well, she’d understand and come home. Adam would see everything was back to normal and then he’d come back. It didn’t matter if Adam had messed up his exams, the results were due the following week, he could re-sit next year – if he wanted to - and I’d be around more to help him. Oh, I had it all worked out. I simply had to be careful not to say the wrong thing. I just needed to show them I’d changed and everything would be fine.
My mother came to the house later that morning. I was surprised to see her.
“Sorry to interrupt your morning, Tom,” she said, as I showed her into the living room.
She refused my offer of coffee. “I’ll just say what I’ve come to say. I think that’s probably best.” She wouldn’t even sit down.
“Okay,” I said warily. I knew this tone of Ma’s voice only too well.
“This afternoon, when you see Adam, I want you to remember, Tom – it’s not all about you. If you want Adam back – it has to be on his own terms.”
“Yes, Ma, I know.” I felt hurt by her lack of faith in me. It was one thing to doubt myself, but to hear my mother voice the same doubts – it was hard to take.
“I mean it,” she said, putting her hands on my shoulders and looking me in the eye. “Don’t blow this, Tom. Adam – and Rosie too – let them make their own choices.”
I couldn’t hold her gaze. I looked upwards. “Yes, I know – I do know what’s at stake.” I sighed, closed my eyes.
“Yes, I’m sure you do.” Her hands touched my face.
I looked down at her as she stroked my cheek. Her expression had softened.
“Oh, Ma,” I said. “I’m so afraid I’ll mess this up.”
She hugged me and said, “Just don’t expect too much, my darling. Go easy on Adam – let him see you love him no matter what – and that the door is open for him when he’s ready to come back.”
“Of course I will. I don’t want to do anything to scare him away again. But I want him home – I want both of them home so much – you know?”
“I know you do, son, I know you do.” As she released me from her embrace she said, smiling, “I could do with that coffee now.”
We went through to the kitchen. Sam and Max were there and were delighted to see my mother. She offered to stay at the house with Sam that afternoon. Sam seemed glad of the offer of her grandmother’s company. Ma also said Dan would be over later to take Max out for the afternoon. This cheered Max up considerably.