Chapter Fourteen
I got home at around four o’clock. I’d shopped on the way for pizza bases and for vegetables and cooked meats to use as toppings. I also got salad ingredients and some garlic bread. I wanted to keep dinner simple.
Adam was already gone and there was no sign of Tom. He was either still very angry or he was in denial. Either way he hadn’t seen fit to return home to be there for his children when I told them my plans.
Toby greeted me, tail wagging, as he followed me into the living room. The girls were back from work, watching MTV.
“Hey, Mum, how are you doing?” Sam spoke as if nothing out of the ordinary had happened over the last couple of days and continued watching the television.
Jenny was more demonstrative. She jumped up and came to cuddle me. “Mum, you’re home. How are you? Did Grandma get you sorted?”
“Hallo, both of you. Yes, Grandma was a great help, as always. I’m okay, but I do need to talk to you
both,
and to Max when he gets back.”
“Why? What do you want to talk to us about?” Jenny looked anxious.
“I’ll speak to the three of you together. Don’t look so scared – it’s nothing to worry about. And thank you girls, both of you, for looking after me so well - after all the upset. I’m sorry I sort of lost it a bit. You’ve both been so grown up. Thank you.”
“Oh, Mum, give me another hug,” said Jenny.
“No worries,” said Sam without looking away from the TV. “Give us a shout when the munchkin gets back.”
Max arrived home just before five. He was full of his day out at the cinema and was very chatty. He asked me if I’d had a nice sleepover at Grandma’s and what we’d be having for dinner.
They were all so happy, so normal, and unaware their mother was about to destroy their equilibrium. Telling Tom about my decision had been easy. I had my anger at him to give me the impetus. But telling the children would require much more effort. I didn’t know how I’d gather the momentum to see it through.
Once I had the girls and Max together in the living room, the three of them facing me, in a row on the sofa, I began by telling them Robbie was coming for dinner. I stood with my back to the window, trying not to pace and let my anxiety show. All three seemed happy enough at the prospect of their new cousin coming to eat with us. I’d asked Robbie not to mention my invitation to the girls as I wanted to tell them myself, so I was pleased that it came as a surprise to them. I explained that I wanted to get to know Robbie, even although Tom and Adam weren’t very happy about it. I also said that neither their brother nor their father would be in for dinner.
“Are you very
cross
with Dad for not telling you your sister had a baby? Is that what’s made you so sad, and why Dad was so angry with Robbie?” Max asked.
“Yes, I am quite cross about Dad keeping it a secret and, yes, I’m sad about it. I think Dad’s maybe angry with himself, more than with Robbie,” I answered. Max may be relaxed and easy going, but he doesn’t miss a thing.
“Will you and Dad make up?” Max looked at the floor as he spoke. Jenny took his hand.
I went over and knelt down in front of him. “Oh, Maxy, I do hope so.
I think we just need a bit of time.” I hugged him tightly for a few moments, and then I kissed the top of his head as I stood up.
I sat down on one of the armchairs, my hands tucked under me to stop me wringing them. I took a deep breath, it was now or never. “And that’s the other thing I wanted to tell you all. I’m going to stay at Granddad’s flat for a few weeks.” This got Sam’s full attention, although she didn’t say anything. Jenny and Max asked similar questions to everyone else about my plans and I tried to offer the same reassurances.
Turning to Sam, I said, “I’m counting on your help.”
“What do you mean?” she asked.
“Well, if you’re serious about giving up the Tesco job – you could earn a bit of money by helping with things here. I’d need you to be here for Max and to help with housework and cooking and things.”
Sam looked doubtful, to say the least.
“Mum, are you mad? She doesn’t even know where the washing machine is. And as for cooking…” Jenny looked seriously alarmed.
“According to Uncle Michael,” I said, trying to keep my own scepticism hidden, “Sam is quite the professional housekeeper and childminder.”
“We’ll be able to see you while you’re at Granddad’s won’t we?” Jenny asked.
“Of course you will. It’ll be easy for you and Adam. You can drop in after school. And, Sam, you can bring Max at weekends and it’ll be the summer holidays in a month’s time. I think I’ll go away for a wee holiday for the first week or so, but then you can come and see me whenever you like.” I didn’t really want to go without seeing my children for a whole week, but I was aware I’d be going into hospital soon, and I knew I needed an excuse as to why I wouldn’t be in the flat.
“If that’s what you want, Mum.” Jenny stood up to come to me. I got up to meet her. “But we’ll visit lots,” she said, clinging to me.
I could see she was about to cry. I held her tight. It was desperately hard to remain convinced I’d made a good decision.
“I’ll miss you, Mum.” Max joined our hug. His obvious struggle to be brave brought me the closest I came to abandoning the whole idea.
“Oh, Max, I’ll miss you too.” As I held on to him, I looked up at the ceiling in an effort to contain my tears. “Once it’s the holidays you can come and stay with me at the flat as much as you like. And Grandma will be here to keep an eye on you till school stops – and Dad too, of course.”
I clung, as if to a life raft, to what Evelyn and Ruby had said about my leaving being the right thing to do.
“And when you’ve had a rest, and you’re not cross with Dad anymore, you will come home, won’t you?” Max stepped away. Once again he couldn’t look at me. I wondered if he was subconsciously afraid of what he might see in my face.
I hugged him hard and said, “Of course I will, my darling, of course I will.” But I was not at all sure that this was an honest answer. After I let go of him, Jenny guided him back to the sofa. I was glad to sit down again too.
I turned to Sam. I was aware she’d been very quiet since I’d made my announcement. “What do you think, Sam?” I asked.
“About what exactly?” she looked and sounded so like Tom did when I’d spoken to him earlier – hostile and hurt. “About our mother abandoning us?” she went on. “About being asked to work as a skivvy around here? Does it matter what I think? You’ve got it all worked out. But since you ask, I think it stinks.”
“Oh, Sam – please, don’t do this,” I pleaded.
“Do what?” She was on her feet. “You asked me what I think, but I guess you don’t really care about my opinion.” She ran her hands through her hair. “You can’t be bothered anymore and you’re angry at Dad, so you’re taking it out on us.”
“It’s not like that. I’m not like that. Please, Sam, I need your help.” I stood up to face her. I tried to get hold of her hand. She pulled away from me. “I need you to understand,” I continued desperately. Sam made a face and shrugged.
I sighed, a sound dangerously close to a sob. I rallied, kept my tone level, reasonable. “You said you were going to leave Tesco. So you’ll need another job for the summer. I’m offering you another job. It would be like what you did for Uncle Michael.”
“No, it wouldn’t. It wouldn’t be like that at all. That was Australia – it was fun, it was – different. Besides I hadn’t really thought about another job. I was planning to chill for a while actually – have a break before uni. I certainly don’t want to spend my summer cleaning up this lot’s mess!”
“Well neither do I, come to that. I do it all the time for you and this – this lot, as you call them. And I don’t get paid.”
“It’s different for you. You’re our mother. It’s your – your…”
“Job?”
I finished for her. “No, it’s not actually my job, Sam, but someone’s got to do it. Yes, I’m your mother and that is a full time job and one I love. I’m not really taking a break from being a mother. I’m taking a break from housekeeping – a break I desperately need, and I’m asking for your help.”
“Look, I’ll tidy up after myself a bit more, if that’s what you want, but I don’t want a cleaning job. Anyway, isn’t that why you employ Ruby?”
I hardly knew where to start replying to that one. I took a deep breath. “Ruby is employed to do some cleaning, yes. But she can’t do it all. She does what I can’t fit in. It’s more than just cleaning I need from you. It’s shopping, cooking – being here for Max, occasionally. Dad, Grandma and Ruby will all be here too, from time to time, to help you. And as I said you’d be getting paid. You can’t just – just - chill all summer, Sam. You need to earn money somehow.”
“I don’t - I have some savings, if I want to buy anything.”
“That’s not the point. You’ll need more savings for uni and you need to pay your way a bit here too. You’re nineteen, Sam. You need to take a bit of financial responsibility for yourself. You can’t simply sit around all summer and be fed and housed for nothing.”
“Why not?
I’m still your child. You’re still responsible for me. But no, you want to do what you want to do, and to offload all your responsibilities onto me. Well, I don’t want your life. You chose to do all this. I don’t want it!
And what about poor Dad?
You’re taking a break from him. I’ll bet he’s not happy about it. He kept Robbie a secret – but you know now – get over it, Mother. You always have to be such a bloody martyr!” With that she left the room, slamming the door behind her.
I sank down into a chair and put my face in my hands. Max came and squeezed in beside me. He took my hand. “It’s okay, Mum,” he said. “Don’t let Sam make you sad. She shouldn’t have sworn at you. I can tidy up after myself and I don’t mind Grandma and Dad looking after me if you need a bit of a holiday. And when school stops, I’ll come and look after you in the flat. Don’t cry, Mum.” Of course this just made me want to cry even more. Jenny came to my rescue.
“Mum will be fine, Maxy – especially if you look after her in the summer and I’ll help too. Don’t worry, Mum. Sam’s a drama queen. She’ll get over it and she’ll realise her savings won’t last long. I could pack in Tesco and be here, if you want.”
“No, Jen – you like your job - don’t you? And you have school for another month anyway.”
“I know I do – and yeah, I do like working at the store. There’s a good crowd of us weekenders and holiday workers.
It’s
hard work but we get a laugh. Sam’s a bit older than the rest of
us,
she’s not really one of the gang. That’s probably why she doesn’t like it as much as she used to.”
“Grandma thought Sam would be happy with what I was suggesting, but I must admit I wasn’t convinced.”
“Look, Mum, don’t let this put you off. We can manage. You do look really tired and if you stay here you’ll end up running around after Dad and Sam, like always, and they’ll let you. Take your time out, Mum.”
“You’re very sweet, love – so are you, Max. But even if Sam comes round – there’s still Adam. I spoke to him earlier and apologised. But he’s not at all happy about me going, or about Robbie.”
“Oh, leave Adam to me. He just needs time to get used to it all. He’s not a baby, Mum. He has to learn to cope better with life. He’ll get his head round this – you’ll see.” I wasn’t convinced, but it was nice to have Jenny and Max on my side.
I was acutely aware I still had to face telling Tom and the children about the cancer. Telling them I was moving out was the hardest thing I’d ever done, but I suspected it wouldn’t be long before it was knocked into second place in that particular hierarchy.
Chapter Fifteen
I left Max and the girls watching television and went through to the kitchen to begin preparing dinner. I glanced out of the open window as I stood at the sink. The sky was growing dark and everywhere was still, awaiting a clearing of the air.