He told me his plan, just as Ruby had told it to me. I found myself agreeing to do it his way.
Before I left, Ruby assured me she was very happy with the arrangement but I insisted on topping up the financial contribution Adam would be making, to cover his bed and board. To Adam I said I’d phone him regularly and asked if I could come and see him sometimes. He nodded, a little uncertainly, in response to my request. I asked him to go and visit Rosie but he refused, even when I said that his brother and sisters were probably going again at the weekend. I caught Ruby’s eye at that point and got the message not to push it.
When she was seeing me out, Ruby told me not to worry and that she wouldn’t make Adam too comfortable. She didn’t think it would be long until he wanted to come home. I wasn’t so sure.
Chapter Nineteen
It was around eleven when I left Ruby’s. On the way to my car I called Rosie. It was Lucy who answered, which threw me a bit. When Rosie came on she sounded as if she’d just wakened up, which also surprised me.
“Tom, what are you doing phoning in the middle of a work morning? Is there something wrong?” She sounded quite weak.
“I need to see you, Rosie. I’m not at work. I’m on my way now. I just wanted to let you know.”
“Oh - right, okay then.” She sounded bewildered but, mercifully, didn’t ask for an explanation there and then. “I’ll see you soon.”
When I got to the flat it was Lucy who opened the door. For some reason this irritated me.
“Tom, nice to see you,” she said, standing aside and gesturing for me to come in. “Come through. Rosie’s just out of the shower. She’ll be with you in a minute.” We went into the small front room. I felt edgy and impatient. “Can I get you a coffee?” Lucy asked.
This irritated me further. I’d come to see my wife – my wife who’d moved out of our home to have time on her own. And yet she wasn’t on her own and I had this bizarre feeling that Lucy was protecting her in some way – protecting her from me. Why was Lucy even here if Rosie was only just getting up?
“No thanks – no coffee, I just came to see Rosie and I’d like to see her alone, if that’s okay,” I said. I knew I’d sounded rude and I didn’t even attempt any small talk. But Lucy either didn’t notice, or she pretended not to.
She smiled at me and said, “Yes of course. I’ve got to go anyway. I’ll just say cheerio to Rosie.” Lucy left me alone in the room. I heard her and Rosie speaking but not what they were saying. I glanced out of the window as soon as I heard the front door close. It was only a moment before I saw Lucy walking away up the path.
“Hallo, Tom,” Rosie was leaning in the doorway.
I was shocked. She looked thin and tired. She was wearing jeans and a loose fitting tee-shirt. Her feet were bare. She had a towel round her head. Her eyes looked enormous, maybe a bit fearful. I wanted to bundle her up in my arms, to wrap her in a blanket as if she was a small child, and carry her to a safe place. But I realised I no longer had any right to look after her or even to hold her. After all, I’d done this to her. I’d worn her out, betrayed her and lost her trust.
And now I had to tell her about Adam. I felt so awkward that I didn’t approach her. “Rosie,” I said. My mouth was dry and my throat hoarse. I sat down on the one of the armchairs. She came and sat on the sofa. She seemed to be walking rather gingerly, as if she was in pain. She held herself in that protective way that I knew well from my post-surgery patients.
“Are you all right?” I asked.
“Yes, yes I’m fine. Let’s not waste each other’s time, Tom. I’m sure you need to be getting to the hospital. Why did you need to see me so urgently?”
Part of me was glad she wanted me to get on and say what I’d come to say, but another part of me was dismayed at her coolness. I suppose I’d been hoping she’d greet me with open arms, say she missed
me, that
our weeks apart had done the trick and she’d forgiven me and was coming home.
“It’s Adam,” I said. I tried to clear my throat, but there wasn’t a drop of moisture left in my mouth.
“Adam?” she leaned forward. “What about Adam?”
“He’s gone, left home – he-”
“What – what do you mean he’s gone? Gone where, when?” Rosie leaned even further towards me. I could smell the stuff she always used in the shower. I breathed it in. I wanted to close my eyes and lean back, luxuriate in the scent and the memories it triggered. I wanted to hold her.
“Tom, speak to me!” She stared into my eyes, questioning, afraid.
“I don’t – that is he…” I was floundering. I needed to get a grip. “He ran away, but he’s fine. He’s safe. He’s at Ruby’s.”
I told her all about it. I tried to sound reassuring, to stick to the facts and not freak her out, but I think I probably just sounded offhand.
“How can you be so calm? Our son has left home – Adam who can’t cope with change, who’s so vulnerable…Christ, Tom - how did this happen? Why did you have to drive him away as well?”
Of course, what she was asking was exactly what I’d been afraid she’d ask. And although she was justified in assuming I was responsible, it didn’t make it any easier to hear. I would rather she’d hit me than look so wounded and angry. Here I was again - letting her down.
I tried to defend myself, to explain that I hadn’t meant to upset Adam. I told her he’d been going on about leaving school and not going to university and that we’d argued about it. I resisted mentioning that Rosie slapping Adam probably hadn’t helped him to feel understood, but I did tell her he was still upset about Robbie.
Then the effort of trying to be calm and reasonable got too much for me. I knew as I spoke that I was talking rubbish, but I couldn’t help myself. “At least Adam and I agreed on Robbie,” I said. “He sees Robbie as a threat to the family and to his place in it.” I paused, saw Rosie’s look of fury and ignored it. “Bloody Robbie,” I went on. “Why did he have to show up? We were doing fine without him weren’t we? I mean, yes, I should’ve told you about him, but what difference would it have made in the long run? He has a different family now. He’s not really one of us, is he? No, I’m with Adam there – Robbie’s caused all this – you going away, Adam going away. I wish
Robbie’d
not-”
Rosie let out a scream and got to her feet. She’d been towelling her hair dry as I spoke. Now she flung the towel down. She winced as she did so. She put her hand up under her left arm. I was about to ask her again if she was in pain, but I was distracted by the shock of seeing that her hair had been cut short. She’d worn it long ever since I’d known her. I loved her hair. It was thick and heavy and a rich, golden colour. I loved the feel and weight of it. I’d always said to her not to cut it.
Rosie didn’t seem to notice my shock. She trembled with rage as she shouted at me. “You wish
Robbie’d
not been born. Is that what you were going to say? Then your sordid secret about what you got up to with Heather wouldn’t have come out. But he was born. He does exist. You should’ve told me. It would’ve made a huge difference if you’d been honest. Robbie is my flesh and blood, my family and that’s important to me, even if it isn’t to you. If Adam had known about him all along, he’d have been able to cope. If I’d known…” She gasped, flinched again. She was definitely in pain. I started to speak, to ask again if she was sore, but she put a hand up to silence me. “How could you deny his existence - especially if he’s yours?” she asked, her voice quieter now.
I let her last remark go. I knew Rosie wouldn’t be receptive to any explanations or justifications.
I attempted to defend myself. “I wasn’t going to say I wished he’d never been born. I was going to say I wished he’d not got in touch in the way he did, then all this could have been avoided.”
“Well, he did get in touch. He’s in our lives now. He’s been to see me a couple of times here. He’s a good lad. I like him.” She sat down again, the fight gone out of her. “Anyway,” she went on, “none of this helps us with Adam. So - he was still upset about Robbie and you encouraged that and you also put pressure on him about school and university - great, well done Tom.” Her voice was full of contempt.
“Look, I’m sorry. I’m sorry – right?” I couldn’t bear the way she was looking at me. “I was trying to help him. I was trying to let him see I was upset about Robbie too. I also wanted him to realise how important school is and how important it is to get a degree. I was trying to help him, to protect him.”
“You didn’t do a very good job, did you? University’s not the be all and end all. Plenty people are successful without going to university. We can’t all be brain surgeons, as they say - or heart surgeons for that matter.”
“Are you saying you don’t want him to go to university? I just want the best for him.”
“What I want – what you want – what about what Adam wants? Maybe he knows his limitations – if that’s what they are - better than we do. Anyway, none of it really matters, when he doesn’t want to have anything to do with us.”
“No, I suppose not. Maybe you should come home. He’s insistent he won’t come home until you do.”
Rosie shook her head. “That won’t resolve anything. Oh, he might come home but he’d still be angry with us. He’d still have Robbie to deal with and you’d still be going on about school. No, I think being at Ruby’s is best for him at the moment. And I’m not coming home either, Tom. I don’t know when or if that will happen,” Rosie’s voice was almost a whisper now. She looked exhausted.
Once again I had a strong urge to hold her. Once again it was like a knife in the guts to realise I no longer could, and to realise she wasn’t coming home any time soon. She ran her hands through her hair again. It was drying, sticking up in little spikes.
“You’ve cut your lovely hair, Rosie. Why did you do that? I loved your hair long.”
Her hands went to her head. She looked self-conscious.
“Don’t you like it?” she said. “Lucy did it for me. We both think it makes me look younger. Robbie liked it too.”
“Oh well, that’s okay then – but no, I don’t like it. You know I loved your hair. Is that why you did it – to get back at me?”
She looked angry again. “No, Tom, that’s not why I did it. I did it for me. You see I’m going to lose it all anyway, now I’ve started chemo. I have breast cancer and I’m having chemotherapy. I just thought it would be easier - if it was short - so I asked Lucy to cut it. Not everything is about you.”
I just sat and stared at her. I’d heard her words, but I couldn’t really process them properly. I knew she’d said something shocking. At first I thought I might laugh. I mean, she had to be joking, didn’t she? It was a bad joke – in bad taste – but it was a joke, surely. I even started to smile.
“I’m not joking, Tom. I have cancer. I found out the day after Robbie came round for the first time. I had surgery – a mastectomy - not long after I moved out. I’ve lost my left breast. It still hurts, but the scar is healing.” She had tears in her eyes and was obviously finding it hard to speak. “I began chemo on Monday and it’ll be repeated every two weeks until the beginning of October.”
“Jesus – Rosie – I...” I couldn’t speak. I felt sick, terrified,
guilty
. Rosie was ill. Rosie had cancer. She’d been going through all this and I hadn’t been there. I had to do something. I had to make this right.
“Okay, that’s it,” I said. “You have to come home now. I’ll get you the best doctors. I’ll look after you. Adam will come home. And, as for Robbie, he needs to leave you in peace for a while.”
“No, no, no.” Rosie shook her head. “You really don’t get it, do you? It’s my illness, my life. I’m doing this my way. I - if you – oh, what’s the use? Just - go away, Tom. Go away.” She got to her feet. “Go away and leave me alone. And don’t tell the children about me being ill either. Evelyn and Kirsty are going to bring them here at the weekend and I’m going to tell them then – although I don’t suppose I’ll be seeing Adam.” She sat again, her head down. She appeared to be talking to herself more than to me. “I’ll just have to wait until he’s ready to listen – although Ruby knows – maybe she - no that’s not fair…” she shook her head. “I’ll have to think about what to do about telling Adam.”
I didn’t say anything, but it hurt that all these other people seemed to know about the cancer before I did.