“But she clearly didn’t have a problem with you knowing. Why didn’t you say anything – why did you respect her wishes over telling me?”
Tom got to his feet. He paced. “I wanted to protect you of course. You’d only recently had the twins. You’d had such a difficult pregnancy and birth. You weren’t well. I knew you’d worry – want to get involved.”
“Yes – so what?”
I looked up at him. “It was up to me to decide if I could cope –not you!” I got to my feet to face him.
“Oh really!”
Tom leant in close. “Do you remember what you were like, Rosie? Do you? Some days you couldn’t get out of bed. You were a mess. What could you have done? You couldn’t even look after yourself or your own-”
“What – my own what? My own babies – is that what you were going to say? How dare you? They never suffered – not because of me. I was depressed, but at least I was here. Where were you, Tom? Where were you when your babies needed you? You were at your precious hospital or, as it turns out, spending time with my bloody sister.” I was no longer calm. I knew I should keep my voice down but I didn’t seem able to.
“Now you’re being stupid.” Tom’s voice was also raised, his fists and jaw clenched. “I had to work. I made sure you and the children were being looked after. You had Ruby and Ma to help – thank goodness –because you certainly weren’t up to it.” Tom stopped as if to catch his breath. He dropped his shoulders. I could see him trying to get a grip on himself. When he spoke again his voice was quieter. “I just thought I’d wait until you were a bit stronger.”
“But when I was stronger you still didn’t tell me.”
Tom raised his arms in a helpless gesture. “I know. I would’ve told you – if Heather had lived. I think she’d have told you herself. She didn’t intend it to be a secret forever. She wanted to have the baby first –get her life sorted out –then tell you. But when she died, telling you seemed pointless.”
“Why?”
“You were estranged from her, Rosie. I knew how difficult it was for you ending contact. I knew you felt guilty about her death. You weren’t in a position to care for Robbie, and that would make you feel even worse. Robbie was safe and well with good people. He had a new family – a clean break seemed best-”
“Best for
who
, Tom? No, there must be more to it.” Now it was me who was pacing. I struggled to understand. “Yes, Heather and I were estranged. But, you said
yourself,
you knew I’d want to see her, to see the baby. It was you – you who didn’t want that. It was self-interest wasn’t it? You used to get jealous of how close Heather and I were. Were you scared that Robbie would be a way back to that closeness -
that
his existence might lead to reconciliation? But then there was no danger of that once she was dead –so why…” And it was then that my earlier formless dread took shape.
“I wasn’t jealous, that’s ridiculous!” Again I could see Tom struggle to keep himself under control. Again he lowered his voice. “Rosie, I saw how Heather hurt you and your family. God she probably hastened your mother’s death with all the worry she caused. I was scared she’d destroy you too. You were so vulnerable, even before her death – but afterwards – you were in pieces. I couldn’t do it. I didn’t want you torturing yourself any more than you already were. It wasn’t easy not telling you, but it was right at the time.” He got up and came over to me. He stretched his arms towards me.
“Come here,” he said softly.
“Get away from me. Don’t touch me!” I backed away from him. “Okay, you say you weren’t jealous of Heather, but it wasn’t about protecting me. You were protecting yourself! You were having an affair with her. It all makes sense.”
Several emotions seemed to cross Tom’s face, shock, hurt, anger.
I continued. “You were often out in the evenings when I was pregnant with the twins. We fought about it. I remember. You said it was work. You were so distracted at times. It made me angry. But that’s it! It’s you isn’t it? It’s you. You’re Robbie’s father.”
Tom winced, shook his head. He opened his mouth to speak but I didn’t stop.
“That’s what you’re afraid of. That’s why Michael hasn’t said anything – why you and he don’t get along. That’s why he doesn’t visit. Robbie said Michael was with you at the time of the adoption. Michael knows, doesn’t he? It must have suited you fine that Heather and I weren’t speaking. How did it happen, Tom? Did you feel sorry for her? I know she fancied you.”
“Stop it Rosie! Stop it!” he shouted. He put his hands on my shoulders.
“I said don’t touch me!” I pushed his hands away and stepped back from him. I was shaking with anger. Tears came. “What did you expect? You’ve kept Robbie a secret for seventeen years. Did you think I’d say, ‘oh that’s okay, never mind, I know now’?”
“No of course not – but I certainly didn’t expect this – this overreaction.”
“Overreaction!
What’s the appropriate level of reaction to finding out your husband had a child with your sister seventeen -”
“Shut up –just shut up!” Tom stepped towards me again and leaned in, inches from my face. “I am not Robbie’s father. How can you even think it? It’s sick!” He turned his back and walked over to the window.
“No, Tom, that’s not what’s sick – what you’ve done, that’s what’s sick.” My voice was quiet again. I wiped roughly at my tears with the back of my hand. “Christ, her dying must have suited you perfectly. Nobody need ever know. I feel so betrayed – so let down by you, Tom.”
Tom let out a strangled howl. He thumped one of his fists down on the window sill as he swung to face me again. I’ve never seen him so enraged. “Shut up, Rosie! You don’t know what you’re saying!”
“I will not shut up – I know exactly what I’m saying – you’ve betrayed me – you –you cheating, cruel bastard.”
Tom recoiled momentarily.
“Stop being so bloody melodramatic!
Yes, I’ve kept Robbie’s existence a secret, but I haven’t betrayed you.” He came over to me. He took hold of me by the elbows and looked into my face. I turned my head away. He gave me a little shake. “Look at me.” I wouldn’t meet his gaze. “Look at me!” I glanced at him. His breath was hot on my face. His expression was ugly and cold. “I did not sleep with your sister.”
I tried to speak but only a sob came out. I shook my head and looked down at the floor. He let go of my arms. “Oh, what’s the use?” He went back to the window and looked out at the darkening sky. I felt my legs buckling. I sat down. Tom spoke – still with his back to me. “I’ve told you why I did what I did – it was for your protection.”
I managed to find my voice. “So you say – but you could have told me afterwards – when I was well again. That’s what’s so hard to understand, Tom – that’s why I think there’s got to be more to it.”
“I did mean to tell you one day – when the time was right – but I don’t know – the longer time went on I-”
“It must have occurred to you that Robbie might come looking for his family one day.”
He turned to face me and leant against the window sill. “Yes, it did but I thought we’d – I’d get some warning – a letter or something - so I could prepare you. I’ve always thought of him as James – she named him James Robert after your father – so I didn’t make the connection. It wasn’t until I saw him tonight-”
“So you weren’t going to tell me unless you were forced to – unless Robbie made contact. You weren’t really waiting for the right time, were you?”
“When would have been the right time, Rosie – when? Do you remember how ill you were – how deep the depression was? Even as time went on I could never be sure you were strong enough to handle all the facts about the end of Heather’s life.”
“Not strong enough – how can you doubt my strength? Have you ever considered what I’ve have coped with – on my own – with no help from you – bringing up the children, working, running this place, looking after my father-”
“Oh here we go – Saint Rosie – the martyr! You don’t have to work – you know that – you put the pressure on yourself. You don’t want my help – not really. You shut me out – everything’s always under control. You enjoy being put upon – you smother the children. No wonder Adam’s the way he is.” This made me gasp.
“So I’m a control freak and a bad mother, am I? What about you, Tom – absent father and unfaithful, dishonest husband.” Tom looked at me the same way Adam did after I slapped him.
“Right, that’s enough – this is getting us nowhere.” Tom put his hand up to silence me. “Let’s leave it for now. We’re both tired. We should go to bed. Robbie exists – you know now. You need time to get used to that fact - to get over what’s happened. It won’t look so bad in the morning. Come on, let’s go up to bed.”
Now I felt patronised. “No Tom, no - you don’t get this do you? Don’t tell me what to do and how to feel. Don’t talk to me in that ‘doctor knows best’ way – I’m not one of your patients!” I was shouting again and the tears had restarted. I stood up and headed for the door. Tom was right behind me. I turned to face him, my hand on the door handle. “This is far from over. I haven’t even begun to get my head round Robbie and what you’ve done. I don’t know what to believe or what to think. But I do know I’m angrier than I’ve ever been with you. And I also know I don’t want you in our bed.”
Tom looked stunned. “Don’t do this, Rosie.” He tried to turn me towards him as I headed out of the door.
“Get off me. I mean it, Tom, leave me alone.”
I was so angry that my throat hurt as I spoke. At that moment I hated Tom. I hated that he thought he knew best. I hated his need to take charge. I hated that he just expected me to understand.
Chapter Eight
I went up to Max’s attic room to say goodnight but he was already asleep, curled up on top of his duvet. As I crossed the passageway at the bottom of the attic stairs, I glanced at Adam’s bedroom door. It was closed. I had to see Adam, to apologise, but not now. I could hear Sam and Jenny. They were in Sam’s room, the door was ajar and I glimpsed them sitting on the bed, chatting. They didn’t notice me as I slipped into my own room.
I sank down on the bed and crawled under the duvet, still fully clothed and I cried for what seemed like hours.
I slept fitfully. Early next morning I heard Tom going out with Toby for their morning jog along the beach. When they returned, Tom didn’t come into our bedroom. I didn’t get up until I heard him leave for the hospital. I looked and felt grim.
Tom had left a curt note in the kitchen. It said he’d be staying at the hospital that night. Tom staying at the hospital was not unheard of, but it didn’t happen often. Occasionally, if there was a patient he was particularly concerned about or an operation ended late in the evening, he would stay over. I suspected neither of these reasons applied to this occasion. I shrugged and dropped the note. I couldn’t think about Tom, or any of it, yet. I had to get through this day first. It was easier to keep up a pretence of normality, go to school and then to my appointment. I’d think about the other stuff later.
Sam and the twins slept on while Max and I had breakfast. Sam had the day off and the twins’ study leave lasted till the end of the week.
Max was his usual sunny self. He sat opposite me at the kitchen table. “Robbie’s nice, isn’t he, Mum?”
“Yes, he did seem nice,” I replied and I meant it. Whatever else I was unsure of, I knew I’d already made up my mind about one thing. I wanted to spend time with my nephew and get to know him.
“It’s so cool to have a boy cousin at last. When’s he coming here again?”
“I don’t know. We’ll have to see.” I realised I didn’t know where Robbie lived or even have a phone number for him. I also realised I hadn’t exactly gone over the top in making Robbie welcome. Neither Tom nor I had behaved well and it wouldn’t have been surprising if he didn’t want to see us again. I couldn’t bear that.
“Mum, you look sad again, like last night. Don’t you want Robbie to come back? Is it because of your sister or because he made Dad so cross?”
I got up and gave Max a kiss. He wiped his cheek with the back of his hand.
“Ugh, Mum!” But he was smiling as he said it. “It’ll be all right,” he continued. “Dad won’t stay cross. He’s like Adam and doesn’t like surprises.” He stood up and put his arms round my waist.