Changing Course (32 page)

"Because I just watched you steal Brett's prize possession."

"I...I just..." I stumble over my words.

"It's okay, baby girl. I don't blame you. It's a really good picture. We'll get some copies made while we're out. He'll lose his shit if that thing's missing for more than thirty seconds. I'll put it back for you later."

"Thank you," I rush out a breath.

"Let's go, we have some ugly non-scuffing shoes to buy!" he mocks excitement, and I punch him in the shoulder.

C
ALEB AND
I must have gone to every store in town that offered bowling accessories. They either didn't have size fifteen shoes or the selection was beyond hideous. It got to the point where Caleb would walk into a store and say, "Show me what you have in a size fifteen." They would bring us two or three pairs and we would sneak a peek, then move on. Two hours later, we finally hit the last athletic store in a fifty mile radius.

"That's them!" I scream as the sales girl holds out a kick-butt pair of black and blue checkered shoes. "Please say you like them?" I turn to Caleb waiting for the final verdict.

"Sold!" He slams his hand down on the counter.

Exhausted by the day, I jump around thrilled we finally found something. I only have five days left until Christmas, so ordering online was out of the question. I should have planned this better, but I was waiting for my most recent paycheck to spend on Brett's big Christmas gift. Fortunately for me, these are way better than any shoes I would have picked out from just a picture online.

I launch myself into Caleb's arms, ecstatic and grateful for his help, "Thank you. Thank you. Thank you."

"Jesse, I didn't make them."

"I know, but I probably would have given up four stores ago if you hadn't been here to help."

"Alright, alright. You’re welcome. Now let’s get out of here, I need to get back to work."

"Wait, we still have to stop and get the pictures."

"I couldn't forget that," he winks.

"Caleb, earlier...you said that picture was Brett's prize possession."

"Yeah, it is," he answers quickly. "He thinks he's being sly and no one can see him sliding it from under his keyboard two hundred times a day, but we're all just so fucking happy for him that we don't call him out on it."

"I told him I love him," I confess. Caleb may be Brett's best friend, but he's safe. He won't share my secrets. But hopefully he will share some of Brett's.

"Really! How did he react to that?" Caleb says shocked.

"He doesn't exactly feel the same way," I shrug, pretending it doesn't break my heart every time I think about it.

"Give him some time. He's a good guy."

"So everyone keeps telling me."

"Do you need a Brett pep talk?" he teases, expecting me to punch him in the arm again.

"Maybe," I squeak out honestly.

"Jesus..." He looks around to make sure no one is listening. Whenever someone does that, you know it's always good information they are about to share.

"He hasn't seen Sarah in over three weeks."

"WHAT?!" I shriek. He disappears every Thursday. I just assumed he would be with her.

"For the last few weeks we have been meeting for drinks."

"Why isn't he seeing Sarah?"

"She froze him out. Won't open the door. He's been sending over caretakers who she surprisingly lets in, so he knows she's okay. She just doesn't want to see
him
."

"Well that's good she is letting someone in," I say relieved. Why should I care about her? Oh that's right, because Brett loves her, or loved her, or... heck, I don't know. I've never bothered to actually ask.

"Baby girl, I don't want to fill your head with false reassurance. Sure, he and I talk, but I'm not in his head. I've seen him through a lot of stuff, but this thing with you two is new territory for us. Did he ever tell you about how we became friends again?”

"Again? I had no idea you two were ever
not
friends."

"We exchanged a few punches at Manda's funeral." At the very mention of her name Caleb pauses for a second too long. I don't rush him, but I recognize this isn't a conversation we should have in the checkout line of Al's Sporting Goods. I hold up my finger asking for one minute, and hurry to the register to pay.

When we get back to his truck, I turn to him and see sad eyes. I know I'm asking him to relive something tragic, but I need help. Caleb is my only connection to Brett.

"Okay, now keep going."

He lets out a loud breath, then bares it all.

"Blows were thrown at Manda's funeral. It was the hardest day of my life, and I used Brett as my punching bag. Physically and emotionally. The love of my life was gone, while Sarah sat sipping soda in a hospital across town. I lost everything, and fucking Brett escaped with only a few scratches. Sarah caused that wreck. She was drunk and decided to drive my girl home. She killed her because she was too damn lazy to wait for me and Brett, or even just call a cab. I'll never in a million years forgive her. I know she's all fucked up now, but part of me thinks she deserves it. Brett doesn't deserve this though, and he's gotten the brunt of her issues.

"Anyway, after words were exchanged at the funeral, we didn't speak for seven months. I took a leave of absence at work, and put in for a different partner when I came back. I managed to avoid him completely. I stood by as Sarah tried to kill herself twice. I almost enjoyed watching both of them suffer. God knows I suffered enough. It was time for someone else to have a turn. I'm a dick, you got that part, right?" I nod quickly, not wanting to slow him down. When Caleb starts talking you stop and listen. He may not do it often, but it always leads you somewhere.

"I was driving home that night when I heard his address over the radio. Dispatch was asking for immediate assistance. I was only a few blocks away, and as much as I didn't want to go, something inside of me turned the car and headed towards his house.

“I was the first on the scene. The ambulance hadn't even gotten there yet. I rushed inside and found him holding her lifeless body on the bathroom floor. You know what he said to me?" I can't hold back my tears. "He looked directly into my eyes, and stood up off the ground with her in his arms, and said the words that have haunted me since they rolled off his tongue, ‘Please help me. I won't survive without her.’ I understood that feeling. The desperation in his voice reminded me of how I felt when they told me Manda was gone. I would have done anything to save Manda. While I hated Sarah, Brett's my brother, I'd do anything to save him.

"I immediately went to work trying to put pressure on all the places she was bleeding. She did a job on herself that night. She didn't just slice her wrists. She was determined to end it all. Wrists, ankles, neck, you name it. She was bleeding from everywhere. I didn't think there was any way she could possibly live through wounds like those. Mentally, Sarah is a quitter, but apparently her body is a fighter. The ambulance showed and took her from Brett. He didn't even have it in him to ride along with her," he pauses, only long enough to find my eyes.

"Jesse, that was the night Brett was forced to finally let go of Sarah. He’s convinced himself that he's still holding on and that he can't move on. It's a load of shit, and that picture of you two together is proof. He's trapped. Torn between doing the right thing as a man and a husband, and making himself happy." My tears are openly flowing, but I keep my mouth closed because I need to hear the rest of it. I need to finally know why Brett is terrified to commit to me.

"I got to say goodbye," he says, confusing me. "Maybe it wasn't the way I wanted, but I looked at Manda's beautiful face and stroked her silky red hair and told her exactly how our life would have happened. How many kids we would have had, what kind of car I would have bought her, and the size of our house. No detail was too small. She might have been gone by the time I said it all, but I know Manda heard me." A small tear escapes his eye, and I crawl across the truck to curl into his side. He drapes his arm around me accepting my condolences.

"Brett didn't get that. When the ambulance left with Sarah barely clinging to life, he just stood frozen on the front porch. I could see a break down coming. All the guys from the station just walked by patting him on the back. No one knew what to do to help the shattered man covered in his wife’s blood standing just a few steps away. I did though. Months earlier he offered a shoulder to me when I needed it most. It was long past time I returned the favor. No words were spoken. Just a simple bond between two men who lost everything.

"Baby girl, if you really love Brett, give him time. He's already made it further in four months than I ever thought possible. I guess a good woman will do that to you." He squeezes me against his side and flashes me a sad smile.

"You'll find someone like that one day."

"I already found her. And buried her."

"I want to meet Manda," I announce.

"You're about four years too late, sweetheart."

"Take me to her grave. I want to introduce myself. I saw her picture on your desk today. She was really beautiful."

"You have no idea," he says, shaking his head and turning away to stare out the window. After a few minutes of silence he pulls his arm off my shoulder and scrubs his face. "Fuck it, I'm not going back to work. You want to grab a beer?"

"What about the picture? Won't Brett notice its missing?"

"Yeah we can get your car and I'll replace the picture. Then we can hit the bar next to Brett's apartment. That way we can call him to drive us home when he gets off work." Caleb starts laughing at his own plan.

Brett's probably going to be pissed when he finds out Caleb and I are together drinking in middle of the day. More about the me being with Caleb part, less about the drinking in the middle of the day. Oh well, I just dragged this man around all of Chicago, the least I can do is buy him a beer.

Brett

I
JUST
picked up the last of Jesse's Christmas gifts, and it took way longer than expected. It's completely worth it though. I have to say I'm pretty proud of myself for thinking of this one. She is going to love it. I'm running late, but thankfully I still beat Jesse and Kara to my parents’ house. I walk into the house, arms filled with boxes, and I swear my entire family has piled into the hallway to greet me.

"What the hell are you guys doing?" I ask, confused by the mass welcome.

"Is Jesse with you?" I hear my mom ask from behind the crowd. Oh, right! Jesse.

Ever since I told my family I was bringing someone home for Christmas, it’s all they talk about. Knowing my sisters, they probably have a phone tree set up to share little details they find out about Jesse. For the last two weeks, one of them has called daily to interrogate me. What does she like to eat? What's her favorite color? My sister actually asked me her bra size, and after that, I shut down all further conversations about Jesse. It pissed them off, but my family is nuts. I know this is a big deal to them.

Over the last few years, the women in my family have given at least two lectures a month about moving on and finding someone new. When that didn't work, they tried to recruit my dad and brothers-in-law to help their "Save Brett" mission. Luckily the men refused.

I'm nervous as hell about introducing Jesse to my family. It's such a big step, and if wasn't for the idea of her spending Christmas alone getting drunk with Kara, I'm not sure I would have invited her at all. Well, at least that's what I tell myself. I can't remember ever being this excited about Christmas and I know it's all because of her.

"You people need to take a deep breath, and calm the hell down. You're going to scare her if you bombard her like this." My words don't faze them in the least. My mom walks over to the door and searches outside as if I may have forgotten Jesse on the front porch.

"Jesus. She isn't with me. She and Kara are driving themselves over after they run some last minute errands." I hand my sister the boxes in my left hand. "Erin, can you wrap these for me. Nothing crazy. I have a one bow limit with gifts I give people, so keep that in mind."

"You should have Leah do it then. Jesse would think it was sweet if one of the kids wrapped her presents."