Chapter and Verse (23 page)

“
Why are you pulling away?  I know you want me and you have to know I want you, I mean, come on.”

He kissed me again and I kissed him just as aggressively before I pulled back yet again.  If this continued, I’d be having to explain myself to Anton tomorrow when I did the walk of shame back to my room.

I took a step away from him to regroup and that’s when I noticed my blouse was unbuttoned.  How did he do that without me noticing?  His eyes were glued to my chest and I had a flashback of Hamm on his knees.  I almost laughed, but I reeled it in.  Something told me that laughing at a man in the throes of passion was probably a major faux pas.

I scrambled to rebutton my blouse and he reached over to help.  I slapped his hands away while I giggled and he smiled in return.

“
What?  I undid them, the least I can do is button you back up.  Nice bra by the way.  Lace.  I love you in lace Dorothy.”

Something about the way he said that made me want to check and see if the butter was melting.  Maybe I was attracted to bad boys and never realized it until now.  What if I was easy and just didn’t know it?  It’s not like I’d had enough partners to be able to tell... and just as I was about to step off that cliff, I remembered that if I was easy, I sure as hell wouldn’t be going through a three year dry spell.  Crisis averted.

“
Dorothy, what are you thinking babe?”

“
I was wondering if it’s you or if I’m easy.”

Nice.  Why is it that if I’m gonna say something absolutely stupid or incendiary, I’m gonna say it to Deke?  I.  Am.  Hopeless.

He started trailing kisses up my neck until he hit that spot under my ear that always made my thoughts scramble.  His hands were kneading my hips and he was pushing me back against the counter again.

“
You’re not easy baby, you’re mine.  This is how you’re supposed to act when you belong to someone.”

“
It is?”

I was breathing so heavy, I didn’t even recognize my own voice.

“
Uh-huh.  Why don’t we go upstairs where it’s private and I’ll explain it to you.”

“
Uhm... okay.”

No wait.  Upstairs contained bedrooms and a bathroom.  All places where people get naked.  The sneaky asshat.  This was going to take a lot of willpower on my part, even more once we got home and we didn’t have the threat of his parents walking in unexpectedly.  For three long years, nothing.  Now, I had one of the top ten wealthiest bachelors in the country trying to coax me upstairs by promising me explanations and a tour of his room.  I was royally screwed.

“
Deacon, we can’t.  Not here.  It’s your folks house and I’d feel cheap.”

He stopped immediately and took a step back, pushing his hand up through his hair.

“
Dorothy, I’m sorry.  I would never do anything to make you feel cheap, I swear it.  I don’t know how to explain myself except to say that now that I know what I want, I don’t want to wait for it.  We had so much together and this feels right.  It feels like something we should have been doing all along.  Don’t you feel it?  Am I alone here?”

Dang.  I knew we had to talk, but I thought I had time.  It seems the timer just went off.  I could have lied, not that he wouldn’t see right thru it, but that wasn’t the point.  How could I demand honesty from him when I wasn’t prepared to give it at such a crucial moment?  In my heart, I knew I couldn’t, so I did what was right.

“
You’re not alone.  I feel it and you know I feel it.  I couldn’t react the way I do every time you kiss me or touch me if I didn’t.  I want this to be real Deacon and I believe you when you say it is.  But for how long?  Your track record speaks for itself and if I can only have you a handful of times and then you dump me, I’d rather keep my friend and deal with the ‘what if’s’.”

I couldn’t read the emotion that was in his eyes, but I braced myself for what was coming next.

“
Are you always going to hold my past against me?”

“
It has nothing to do with your past.  It has to do with our past.  I don’t think you know how much you hurt me.  How you broke me.  No man has ever made me feel the way you made me feel, good and bad.  I’ll tell you now, I don’t think I could survive it if you made me feel loved and then walked away from me.  Losing your friendship was one thing, but losing your love might just do me in.”

He looked nervous.  Every ounce of self-confidence he was famous for was gone.  I’d stripped him bare and he was standing before me confused.  I could see it.

I waited to see what he’d say in response.  I must have looked just as nervous as he was because this was it.  He knew exactly where my head was at.

He reached out and took my hands and squeezed before he released them.

“
Alright.  I understand.”

“
No way.  Not again.  You make these vague comments and leave me wondering what the hell you meant.  Tell me exactly what you understand Deacon.”

“
I understand that you’re mine and I’ll have to try harder to convince you.  Because no matter what you believe Dorothy, you ARE mine.  Start with that at the center of your thoughts and your universe and build out from there.  You’ll get to where I am eventually and I’ll be ready.”

I don’t know if I was more relieved or angry that we were back to me being a possession.

“
So you’re not giving up?”

He laughed once and stood shaking his head.

“
Do you not know me at all?  I said you were mine.  I’ve never claimed a woman before in my life and I’m glad I’ll never have to again.  I’ve got the one I want and she wants me too.  Why would I give up?  I simply have to prove you can take another chance on me.  I can do that.  How hard can it be?”

“
Out here with the cows?  It should be no problem at all.  Back in the city with those cows?  It might be harder than you think.  Miranda alone is going to make your life hell over this.  Not to mention all the women in your little black book.  What happens when we’re at another event and Sylvia shows up?  Think you can resist her... talents?”

“
I’m holding out for your...talents.  I’m good.”

I wanted to believe him.  It sounded good on paper, but when the rubber met the road?  Only time would tell.

I kissed him and smiled.  Then let the water out of the sink.  I wondered what I’d be dreaming about tonight.

Before I tell you about the fresh hell I went home to, let me tell you about my wonderful weekend with the Sloans.

The entire weekend felt strangely like one long double date.  The four of us did the chores, took turns cooking meals, and played games or watched movies at night.  Deacon held my hand, stole kisses, and walked me to my bedroom door each night before kissing me goodnight.  It felt like some weird dream sequence like in a TV show, where at the end of the series the main character wakes up and the whole damned thing was a dream?  Yeah.  Like that.  I kept pinching myself to make sure it was real.  Deacon caught me a few times and had a look on his face that I understood.  I knew he was wondering if I was into self-harming, but try explaining the reality of what I was doing.  Let him think what he wanted.  The thing is, I knew what we were doing the whole time it was happening.  Bree and Grant knew it too and I’m thankful no one said the words to define it.  We were falling head-over-heels for one another and as each day bled into the next, I realized Deacon was right.  I was his.  Would I tell him that?  No freakin’ way.  Not yet anyway.  It was easy to be love in such an idyllic setting.  I was curious what would happen once the real world had it’s way with us.  I couldn’t imagine the trouble that Miranda alone could wreak.  So I refrained from saying the words or doing the deed, just like Anton advised.  But it was hard.  Deacon behaved as well and seemed to take his cues from me.

Then reality set in.  Monday morning reared it’s ugly head and I knew I had to go home.  I felt much better and I was ready to kick start my life again.  Even though Deacon was off for the rest of the week, he elected to go back with me.  He said it would give us more time together.  He said it would help others acclimate to our new relationship.  He said it would be a piece of cake, because we’d be standing together in this.  He lied.  I don’t think he meant to, but sometimes that’s the way things go down.

Deacon followed me home and we bluetoothed the whole way home.  We talked about our weekend and the week to come.  We told each other embarrassing secrets and made each other laugh.  It felt like being teenagers in love and I liked it.  I’d never had that before and it felt good being wanted for who I was, instead of what the association with me could offer.

We pulled into the parking garage side by side and walked in holding hands.  The place felt deserted because it was Monday and everyone was at work.  Well, almost everyone.  Some people keep their own schedules.  People like fashion designers.

We stumbled into my apartment.  I say “stumbled”, because Deacon was kissing me as if his very life depended on it and Melody opened the door as I was fumbling in my purse for the keys.  He was pushing my back against the door, when all three of us almost hit the floor.  Deacon regained his balance first and pulled me into his chest.  Melody took three ungraceful steps back.

“
Well what do we have here?  Where have the two of you been, hmm?”

The sarcasm in her voice begged to be answered in kind.  We walked in nonplussed and I tossed my purse on the entryway table.

“
Gee Mom, I didn’t know I had to check in.  I promise, no boys in my room...for now.”

I glanced at Deacon who had a wicked gleam in his eyes.  Melody’s flashed a scowl.  I decided to go with Deacon and I grinned back.  Damn he was cute when his mind went dirty.

I’d almost forgotten about Melody when she chirped up and broke my concentration.

“
I’m glad you’re back, we don’t have a lot of time.”

She was pulling me into the living room and Deacon was following along as if he wouldn’t miss this for the world.  He didn’t know my sister like I did.  Something was up.

“
A lot of time for what?  I just got home Mel’, lighten up.”

“
No time.  We’ve got to get your dress lined out for Saturday night.  The charity awards dinner, remember?  We’ll be rushed as it is.  I’ve got the style and the fabric, but you’ve lost a lot of weight and your shape has changed.  I’ve got to get your measurements to the seamstress so we can get your dress fitted and ready.”

“
Oh shit I forgot.  Can’t you go instead?”

I could hear myself whining but I didn’t care.  I wasn’t in the mood to be my sister’s Barbie doll right now.  I wanted to kiss Deacon some more.  Don’t laugh, I had it bad and I was finally okay with that.

“
No, I have a fashion show Saturday night in Boston, you knew this when you agreed to accept.  Now, the dress is bronze satin and it should go well with your hair, I’m thinking.  I’ve already told Hamm so he knows how to accessorize to match.”

Hold on Versace, Hamm?  When did he come into the picture?  I braved a quick glance at Deacon and his jaw was tight.  He was wondering the same thing.  I couldn’t let this go.

“
Hamm?  I haven’t seen him in ages.  What’s he got to do with this?”

“
His mother is on the board that oversees the charity.  You didn’t know this?  Anyway, his folks are going to some work thing his father is hosting.  Hamm’s presenting the award in their place and he’s taking you to the event.”

I put my hands on my hips and screwed my face up.

“
Since when?”

She mirrored my stance and had the nerve to look as if SHE were the one that was put out.

“
Since two days ago.  If you’d bothered to check in or check your damned voice mail, you’d have known this already.  It’s too late to make alternate arrangements so you’ll have to make the best of it.”

I saw her eyes go to Deacon and she swallowed hard.  I knew then that I didn’t want to see the look on his face.  I’ve seen that look.  I’ve been the recipient of that look.  I was hoping it wasn’t aimed at me.

I’d just begun to figure a way out of this mess when he spoke up.

“
She’s not going anywhere with Hamm.”

Say what?  Did Deacon-on-the-mount just issue a proclamation as if it were law?  I don’t care what he and I were in the middle of, nobody - and I mean nobody - told me what I could and could not do.  Not my folks, not Melody and not Deacon-the-asshat-Sloan.  Now I was pissed.  Forget that I didn’t want to go anywhere with Hamm to begin with, there was a principle involved here.  One that I needed to make perfectly clear.

I turned to Deacon and saw Melody slide into a corner like a frightened puppy.  She knew what was coming, she’d known me my whole life.

“
Did you just say that I wasn’t going anywhere with Hamm?  Tell me you did not just say that.”

Let me interject something here.  Some men are good at knowing when to shut up and let things calm down.  I have a theory on this.  I believe that they get the trait from their mother’s side of the family.  Women intuitively know when shit’s about to hit the fan.  Some are smart enough to chill, and some let their tempers flair.  I think that smart men inherit the “chill” trait from their moms.  Deacon obviously decided to skip that genetic link in vitro.

His jaw tightened up even more and I was wondering how he didn’t break his teeth.

“
You're damned right I said that.  You’re mine Dorothy and I don’t share.  I don’t care how innocent it is, we’re a couple now and the world is about to find that out.  How can we come out if you’re seen the week before with another man?  This event will make the papers for sure and your picture will be taken together.  I don’t take another man’s cast-offs.”

I knew there was a reason I didn’t keep paperweights or other heavy knick-knacks sitting around.  I counted to ten, but it didn’t help.  It never did.

“
A cast-off?  That’s how you see me?  It’s a charity event!  It’s nothing!  He’s presenting and I’m receiving.  End of!  What is the matter with you?!”

He crossed his arms and I knew that he was closing me out.  He’d made up his mind and his tongue was about to get the better of him.  As fragile and new as we were, I hoped he’d think about what he was going to say next.  He didn’t disappoint.

“
It’s what he’s presenting and what you’ll be receiving that has me concerned.  You have history with him Dorothy and I won’t allow it.  End of discussion.”

“
Oh you’re fucking right it’s the end of discussion.”

I was fuming as I marched to the front door and threw it open.

“
Out.”

He uncrossed his arms and looked dumbfounded.

“
You’re throwing me out?”

“
What?  Is ‘out’ not clear enough for you?  I said, get out.  I don’t know who’s lord and master you were before I came into the picture, but you need to understand a thing or two Mr. Man.  Nobody tells me who I can or cannot see, and if you can’t trust me for three hours at a charity event in front of half this city, then our problems are deeper than my worrying you’ll dump me.  Get out.”

He walked closer, but his anger remained visible in his posture.  He was going, but he wasn’t backing down.

“
Dorothy, so help me, if you go to this thing with him, you’ll regret it.”

“
Threats Deacon?  Who the hell knew you had a charming side.  Go.  Now.”

I slammed the door on his retreating form and turned to my sister who was cowering in the corner, trying to make herself as small as possible.

“
You.  Front and center.”

She moved slowly until she was standing in front of me.

“
You couldn’t tell me this after he left?  What in the hell is the matter with you?  Mel’, we were just starting to get our shit together.  We had a chance and now we’re back to square one.  Talk to me.”

Her eyes raced around the room, mapping all the escape routes.  Then she looked at me and knew she wasn’t going anywhere.

“
I am so sorry.  I wasn’t thinking, I swear.  This thing is coming up so quickly and we were talking about your dress and I just happened to remember that Hamm was accessorizing his pocket point to your dress and I blurted it out.  I’m talking too fast aren’t I?”

“
Nope.  I’m keeping up, continue.”

She was wringing her hands and I couldn’t help it.  I was glad that she was uncomfortable.  She was the first obstacle we’d encountered and Deacon had folded like a paper airplane.  I was disheartened, disillusioned, and mad.

She babbled on but I was no longer listening.  I wasn’t mad at her.  Not really.  She hadn’t said anything wrong, she was imparting information.  Deacon was the one that decided to enforce rules we’d never discussed.  How could I agree to be exclusive with him when I had no clue how all-encompassing that would be?  I didn’t have a copy of his playbook and he never talked about his expectations.  This was on us, not her.

I put my hand on her shoulder and she quit talking.

“
Mel’, I’m sorry.  It’s not your fault.  I don’t know what to do here, I’m on shaky ground.  I never figured Deacon as the jealous type or how deep that jealousy could go.  I mean come on, Hamm?  Really?  He’s nothing to me and Deke knows that.”

She was shaking her head before she plopped down on the sofa, deflated.

“
Dorothy, he’s right.  If you two are going public, being photographed with Hamm as your date might not be wise.  Deacon isn’t a nobody Sis’, people know him.  They respect him and his reputation.  If he’s photographed with you next week as, ‘the love of his life’, how will he look?  Can you imagine the headlines?  ‘Millionaire Playboy Gets Played’.  You need to see this from his side.”

“
Who’s side are you on?”

“
Yours.  Always yours.  But you need to open your eyes girl.  You haven’t had to compromise since Hamm and you’re out of practice.  Relationships are all about compromise.  How would you feel if the tables were turned, huh?  What if you’d walked in and Anton was the one telling Deacon that he had to accept an award and Miranda was his date for the evening?  How would THAT go over?”

Oh my.  That put a new frame on the picture.  After the weekend we just shared?  Miranda with her hands on my Deacon?  I’d rip her lips off and I was NOT the jealous type.  But it was different with Deacon.  I had a feeling that any woman with her hands on him would elicit the same reaction.  What was I becoming and when did that happen?  Was this a component of the “love” thing?  And if it was, would I survive it?  Could I ever trust him enough to not wonder about what he was up to when we weren’t together?  I knew about his women, hell, I’d been jilted for one.  Deacon had never hidden that from me and I walked into this with my eyes wide open.  It was the trust thing.  The one thing I couldn’t give him without reservation.  This sucked.

Melody was openly watching me go through something she didn’t understand and it was disturbing her, I could tell.  Now I wanted to go back twenty minutes and take it all back.  I wanted to put my foot down and tell her that I wouldn’t be going anywhere with anyone unless it was Deacon.  I wanted to do that for him, but it was too late.  The story of my life in one little soundbite.