Authors: Maya James
Maybe
I'm just feeling like a guilty bitch!
"Justin?"
A heavy
feeling of dread falls over me when he doesn't answer. There's hundreds of
possibilities for why, but my mind is choosing all of the worst ones. I drop my
bags on the floor by the door and step further in.
The
silence of the place is eerie. I proceed to check every room, even the patio,
and there's no sign of him.
Where
the hell is he? And what does it mean that he's not here?
Maybe
this doesn't have to be too difficult. I grab my phone and call him.
It just
rings and bumps to voice mail.
Okay,
it has to be difficult.
I dial
Lena. "Hey. I know I just saw you like half an hour ago, but have you
heard from Justin?"
"No,
why?" she asks seriously.
"He's
not here."
More
silence. First the damn apartment, now Lena. If I listen hard enough, I might
hear the gears turning in her head.
"Let
me call you back," she says quickly.
"Wait!
What are you doing?"
"Just
give me a little while," she said softly. Then she hung up without waiting
for my answer.
I'm
fighting back tears. Obviously, she thinks exactly what I think. He found out;
somehow, despite how careful I tried to be, Justin found out I went to his
mother. And now he's gone before I can confess it to him with the reasons for
doing it.
Suddenly
my chest has trouble keeping the breath in my lungs, panting in furious bursts.
Stop
it until you know for sure!
I take
my bags into the bedroom and throw them on the bed so I can unpack. For now,
I'll pretend everything is fine.
The
minutes pass and Lena still hasn't called me back. That makes it impossible to
stop wondering what she's doing.
When
she calls me back, it's more than two hours later.
"Lena,
what the fuck?" I shout hysterically.
"I
know, I know. I'm sorry, but I had a lot to get to. He hasn't answered for me,
either," she says.
"Then
where the hell is he?" I ask, calmer. "Is he on an assignment with
the team?"
"No.
I thought that too, but I reached them and he's not with them."
"Does
he know?" I ask.
Her
voice lowers. "I think so."
My
panic explodes. "How, Lena? I was careful!"
"The
rental car company you used," she says. "They are a subsidiary to one
of our clients, so they didn't show up anywhere as a client. I didn't even
know. We shouldn't have access to them, to their systems, but we do through the
main company. I don't know how he knew to look for it, but if he did, he would
have had full access to the GPS in your car. And if he saw where you went—"
"It’s
easy enough to find out who lives there," says my pale-white face as I
drop limp to the bottom half of my bed.
"Are
you okay?" Lena asks.
In a
tear-filled bellow of pain, I scream, "No!"
Her
serious voice turns comforting. "I'm on my way."
JUSTIN
STILL HASN'T COME
up
for air on his own by the morning. I spent the night crying on Lena's shoulder
and I'm feeling helpless and hopeless. It’s Monday, and I haven’t seen him
since Saturday morning when I flew out with the girls. That’s much longer than
I am prepared to be without him.
"Let
me go to him," Lena begs again as she had several times during the night.
"I know he's here. No matter how angry he is, Charity, he can't bear to be
too far from you."
"You
think he went back to his old apartment?" My voice is hoarse.
She
answers, "I'm not sure which one you mean, but yes, I think he's still
here."
"Lena,
does he own the building?" I can't believe I didn't realize this sooner.
Lena nods, the hint of a smirk on her lips. "He had me paying rent?"
I question.
"You
have a second savings account in your name. He had me dump all of your money
right back into it. He wouldn't take a thing, not even at the beginning,"
she tells me.
Fuck!
That just makes my heart hurt worse.
"No,
don't go get him," I tell her. "I've hurt him enough. Give him a few
days, and when he does talk to you, I want you to deny knowing anything at all.
I did this—not you. I snuck out on both of you. Trisha will make it look good
if you need it, since she really doesn't have a clue. Just be careful. You two
read each other too well."
"Charity—"
"That's
the way this needs to go, and you know it," I snap at her.
She
relents, for now. "What are you going to do?" she asks full of
concern.
"I
think I'm going to go home."
She
shouts at me, "You're giving up?
"No!"
I defend. "But right now he needs a break from me at the least, before I
try again. And I just don't think I'm strong enough, not for this, not all on
my own. You can't be with me, you need to be there for Justin, and so I'm going
to my family and Melissa."
She
understands, but she hates it. "I'm so sorry, Charity. I should never have
put this in your head. I should just go tell him."
"He'll
just hate us both then. And if he hates you, who's going to get him to forgive
me?" I try a smile. It fails as badly as Justin's mother's had when I was
with her.
Lena
put her arms around me. "I'll take you. He's not talking to anyone right
now anyway, so I'll take you home."
Lena
helps me repack my things and I cry the entire time. I feel like I weigh a
thousand pounds; my body refuses to work and my heart actually hurts. The only
reason I can go on is by hoping this will all go away and he will be mine again
soon.
While
Lena makes arrangements, I call Mom and let her know the short version of the
events. It's heartbreaking to hear her so upset for me. Mom insists, there’s no
question about it, I’m going home.
Melissa
is waiting for us when we get there. No one has heard from Justin still, and
it's starting to scare me. Someone already tried to get him killed once; what
if they tried again? Lena is feeling that fear along with me, but she's trying
to be positive.
Dad
seems unscathed by the absence of Justin. When I ask him why, he laughs.
"I've seen the boy," he replies. "He can get as pissed as he
wants, but he won't let you go—no more than I could let your mother go. Could
you imagine that?"
He
makes my first real smile in days. He made all of us smile, Mom with the
brightest of course.
Mom
breaks out some Moscato at dinner and shortly after, its effect on her is
evident when Lena tries leaving for a hotel. "Sit your ass down," she
barks at her through a hiccup. "This is a girl’s night and you're a guest.
You ain't going anywhere."
"Well,
damn," Lena jokes as she does what she was told.
"Melissa,
you might as well get comfortable too," Mom hisses.
"Already
planning on it, Mom," she answers.
"Awe
shit!" Dad says as he stands up. "I'm gettin' the hell out before the
Vagina Monologues begin." He kisses my head and leaves the room.
Later
that night, Lena finally heard from Justin. It was a text that simply asked if
she was part of it.
Thank
fucking Christ! He's okay.
"So...he
knows," Lena says flatly.
"Do
what I asked, Lena." My eyes are on her, wide and serious. "Tell him
no. Tell him you didn't know until I called you upset last night."
"Charity,
I—"
"Do
it, please. If you don't he will be done talking to you again. Right now you
are our only shot of getting to him, to tell him about his mother, and you’re
our only shot at helping me get back with him."
THE AIR IN THE
restaurant is heavy with the smell of bacon and coffee; you can make out some
others as well like the fried onions in their home fries, syrup, even the
frying sausage. Country Ham and Eggs is one of my favorites, which is why
Melissa had insisted on it for breakfast.
Plus
the fact that we are all a little too hung-over to do any cooking ourselves.
We had
just sat down at a large round table near the front of the restaurant and my father
looks as proud as can be surrounded by beautiful women. He sits like a king
between my mom and I. His smile seems endless, and I know he wants everyone in
the place to notice him.
"Now,
Lena," Melissa starts, "remember you're with friends and family, this
isn’t New York. You can actually eat. Don't order sushi or dry wheat toast.
Your skinny and sexy enough; one good meal won't hurt you."
She
looks grateful for the compliment but embarrassed by the attention.
"Oh
hell yeah," Dad agrees. "Don't leave here hungry, Hon."
"It
smells too good in here to not eat," she replies. That makes them all
happy, and when she orders, she stays true to her word; ham, eggs, and cheese
on a croissant with home fries and a banana nut muffin on the side.
"Hot
damn!" Melissa cheered.
Our
orders go in and the coffees come out. And while we all fix ours how we like
it, we notice a deep, pale fear settling on Melissa's face. A thin film of
sweat glistens on her forehead while her eyes are transfixed beyond their table
through the front of the place.
"Are
you okay, Melissa?" Mom asks.
That
seems to bring her back quickly, obliterating her trance. "Yes, I'm
fine," she bumbles and stutters. "I'm just more hung-over than I
thought."
Its
complete bullshit, but the others all seem to buy it—except Lena. Her wheels
are spinning and planning, I can see it but I just don’t know why.
I dab
my sore eyes with a napkin. Justin crossed my mind again as he has about every
five minutes since yesterday. I don’t know how long I can feel like this, but I’m
thinking at least forever.
"Are
you okay, Sweetie?" Mom asks, seeing the return of my sadness.
For
them, I compose myself and tell everyone I’m fine. I do the exact same thing
when it happens two more times during breakfast. The reality that I may never see
Justin again is more than I can handle. Hearts break for me all the way around
the table, I can see it in their faces, but that does nothing to ease the pain.
"It's
not over," Lena reassures me as the table is being cleared after we are
done. "It will not be over. I won't let it, not after what you've done for
me."
I nods
again, and offer that pathetically unbelievable smile I’ve been trying to use.
No one is taken by it.
"Charity,
no one believes that fake-ass smile!" Lena teases, making everyone laugh
easily. She puts her slender finger under my tear-soaked chin and lifts my face
up to them. "I mean it, Charity. I will not let this be over for you two;
I will not stop until it's fixed."
My
smile is a little more believable this time. "Your father is a very smart
man, and he's right about Justin. He loves you way too much to let you go. He's
just not capable of doing it. Right now he is hurt. He thinks he's been
betrayed and he has the right to feel that, but it won't last. When that is
gone and he's left with the agony of not having you and he understands why you
did this—you won't be able to keep him away from you."
"I
hope so," I whisper with a hint of life in my voice.
"It
will happen," Lena says comfortably, pushing her chair back away from the
table. "I'm going to head back to the city now and make it happen."
She thanks my parents for breakfast and their hospitality, and says her
goodbyes to everyone ending with a long, tight hug for me.
"Melissa,
can I talk to you alone for a minute?" Lena asks, motioning her head
toward the front door. I knew she was planning something since the start of
breakfast. Melissa looks confused. "I just wanna talk about Charity behind
her back for a second." She follows her joke with an innocent smile.
Innocent
enough, except that isn't the truth, not with Lena.
MELISSA
AND LENA WORK
their
way around the few tables before the door, putting their coats on as they walk.
They disappear out to the front while the rest of them wait for Charity's
father to finish with the bill.
As soon
as they are outside, Lena gets voraciously serious, her breath pumping out of
her mouth in thick white clouds. "There's only a minute or two, so I'm
going to cut right to it—for Charity's sake, please do the same!"
Melissa's
smile melts quickly. "Okay?"
"When
we first sat down in there, you saw something. It totally freaked you out,
scarred the shit out of you, but you didn't tell anyone. You hid it from them,
so I'm thinking whatever it was it somehow involves them?" Lena asks.