Charlotte's Tangled Web: L.B. Pavlov (31 page)

“Yes, for us to be together. I’m not throwing it all away. I will train on my own. And we can be together. I thought that you wanted us to be together too?” she asked bleakly.

I could see her questioning herself, and any insecurity she had ever had was coming in to play now. There was going to be no way to do this without seriously injuring her. God, I prayed, give me the strength to do this.

“Well, I did want to be together, but I wanted you to go to Stanford and I would go to Notre Dame. And we could stay together long distance. That’s what I want,” I replied hesitantly. Maybe, I thought, I could get her to go without having to do anything drastic. I had a glimmer of hope. She was deep in thought.

“No you didn’t. I saw the letter from Stanford. You wanted to be together too, Daniel. You were going to do the same thing for me. Why are you lying to me?” she asked, completely baffled.

How did she see the damn letter, I fumed. My plan was shot. How was I going to convince her that I wanted us to have a year at our own schools but stay together? Now that plan had a big, fat hole in the middle of it.

She took a deep breath. “The difference is that I got in, and I am going to Notre Dame with you. And nothing that you or my dad says is going to stop me. Now, please give me your phone so I can call Coach Little and end this plan of my father’s before it gets more difficult,” she said, sounding reassured by her own conclusion, and she placed her hand out in front of me.

I had a moment to make a snap decision, and I suddenly thought of Jack’s words about sacrificing your own happiness for someone that you love. She had seen the letter and had only applied because she realized that I had. This was definitely all my fault. She was going to give up what she wanted to be with me. I was a selfish prick if I let her go through with it.

“No,” I said quietly.

“No? You won’t let me use your phone? Daniel, you don’t seem to understand how serious this is. My dad is out of control. He has me moving on Sunday. I am not allowed to go on a run outside. I can’t leave my house. He has cut down our tree, for goodness’s sake. He froze my bank account and my trust fund. I will have to take out student loans now to attend school. He is forcing me to go to Stanford. But if you help me, I can walk away from him right now. Won’t you help me?” she asked, tears streaming down her face and her voice shaking.

“I can’t,” I said, unperturbed.

“Why?” she asked, unnerved by my refusal to help her.

“Because I don’t think we should go to school together. I want to go off on my own, and I think you should too,” I said resolutely.

“You’re lying. You applied to Stanford, Daniel. You wanted us to go together. I don’t believe you. I will run away and stay with my brothers then. And I will apply for student loans. And I will do this all on my own if you refuse to help me,” she said furiously. She stood up and grabbed her backpack. She wasn’t going to listen to me. This was the moment that I had dreaded. Say something now, I thought frantically, or allow her to make the biggest mistake of her life.

“I cheated on you,” I blurted out, and she turned to look at me in absolute shock.

She was frozen. “No you didn’t. Why would you say that?” she asked cautiously, tears still streaming down her face.

“Because it’s true. I wanted us to go to school together, you’re right. I applied to Stanford. I didn’t get in. I had given up on the idea of us being able to be together, and when I went out with all my friends for my birthday, I slept with Crystal Bryant,” I said, feeling as if all of the blood had left my body.

This was a lie that would completely destroy both of us, but it would allow her to live the life that she deserved. I had no choice but to lie to her because she wasn’t going to listen. That was the sacrifice that needed to be made. She would hate me now, and she would go to Stanford. And maybe to the Olympics. And she would live out all of her dreams. And I would be alone.

“Why?” she asked, shaken to her core by what I had just said. She dropped back down on the bench to look at me, letting her backpack fall on the ground once again.

“Because I’m a selfish prick. You were right. It was harder than I thought to go without sex,” I said quietly.

“No. This isn’t happening. Oh my gosh. That’s your answer? It was hard to go without sex? So you cheated on me? And you decide to tell me now?” she said, on the edge of hysterics, and she rested her head into her two delicate hands.

“Well, I had to because you were going to come to school with me, so I felt like I should tell you the truth,” I continued, winging what I should say to her because I hadn’t thought it would come to this.

“I don’t understand,” she stammered. She was completely broken now. She was crying, and I couldn’t handle watching her fall apart anymore. I was on the verge of losing it. I needed to walk away or I was going to tell her the truth. Walk away, Daniel, I thought; don’t blow it now. She hates you.

“Charlotte, you knew I was going to be unfaithful once we were apart, I just let you down sooner than you expected,” I said stoically.

Where the hell did that come from, I asked myself. Was I testing her because she had doubted me? I didn’t think I needed to convince her that I was unworthy at that point, but for some reason I decided to make myself sound like even more of an asshole.

“What? I never in a million years thought you would do this to me,” she said in a quivering voice.

“I’m sorry,” I said, sounding puzzled, and I got up and walked away.

Why would she say that she never in a million years thought I would do that to her? That’s the whole damn reason she wanted to go to school with me. Did she just not want me to know that she doubted me? Even after I admitted her worst fears? I couldn’t think clearly anymore.

I looked back as I turned into the building. She was crumpled on the bench. How in the hell was I supposed to walk away from her like that? I felt sick. I pushed open the bathroom door, kicked the door to the stall, dropped to my knees, and proceeded to vomit several times. I was physically ill from all of it. I couldn’t handle it. Life wasn’t supposed to be that hard. How would it ever get better? I thought about my plan while I sat on the disgusting bathroom floor.

I would go to school, work really hard, and transfer to Stanford next year. I would prove to Charlotte that I could be faithful and that I didn’t want anyone but her at the same time. That would only strengthen us in the end. It would put all of her doubts to rest. At the same time, she could be at the school that she always wanted to go to and pursue all of her running goals at the same time, training with one of the best coaches and teams in the country. You are doing the right thing, Daniel, I told myself. Don’t waiver now. I got a wet cloth and placed it on my head. I sat in that bathroom through the entire first block. It had been over an hour, and I finally pulled myself off the ground. I looked outside before I walked to class, and she was gone. I felt a horrible pain in my heart, but I knew what I had done was my only option in order to do right by her. I walked by her second block class and looked in the doorway. She wasn’t in there either. Kathleen came walking up to me and patted me on the back.

“Hey, Daniel,” she said sweetly. When she looked at me, her reaction changed. “Wow, you don’t look good. You and Charlotte must have the same thing, huh?” she chuckled.

“What do you mean?” I asked, confused.

“Well, Steph said she saw Charlotte in the office, and she went home sick. Lenora came to pick her up. I had tried to reach her all day Sunday, but her phone was turned off. She must have been feeling bad yesterday. I hope you guys feel better.” She smiled as she walked into class.

Charlotte had left and would now miss her finals? Damn it. The thought of how much I just hurt her made my heart ache. What if she hated me forever? I had never really thought things out beyond her leaving for Stanford. What if I wasn’t able to explain this to her later? What if I had just made the worst mistake of my life by giving her everything that she wanted? And there was the sacrifice, staring me right in the face.

I was silent on the car ride home with Lenora. I had a lump the size of Texas in my throat. I was processing what I had just heard, and I couldn’t speak. My heart hurt so much I felt like I could feel it physically breaking slowly in half.

Everyone whom I loved had officially hurt me. My mom had left me here all alone, my dad had lost his mind and was treating me like a criminal that he would prosecute, and Daniel, oh my gosh, Daniel, the one person whom I believed would never hurt me, had wounded me the most. I let out a loud cry and just leaned forward and started sobbing. Lenora pulled into the garage and turned off the car. We just sat in the garage as she consoled me, and I just cried. I would never recover from this; I knew that. I had lost everything that was important to me. I had not only just lost my boyfriend but also my best friend.

I wondered what would have happened if I had never shared that letter from Notre Dame. Would everything have just stayed the same? What a horrible domino effect this had been.

“It’s all going to be OK, Charlotte,” Lenora said softly, gently stroking my hair. I sat up and looked at her. She had tears streaming down her face; she felt so bad about seeing me this upset.

“What if it isn’t, Lenora?” I said, leaning my head against her chest to listen to her heartbeat because it somehow comforted me.

“It will be, honey, I promise, OK? Let’s get you upstairs,” she said warmly.

We walked upstairs, and I climbed under my comforter. Lenora closed my curtains, and I slept. Every time I attempted to open my eyes, I convinced myself to close them again. I didn’t want to wake up and remember what had happened.

“Charlotte, Charlotte,” I heard a gentle voice saying. Someone was touching me gently.

“Wake her up, Lenora, she has been asleep for over twenty-four hours. This isn’t normal,” I heard an angry but familiar voice saying.

“Please give me a minute, Jack,” she snapped.

Oh, please, let me go back to sleep, I silently pleaded. I can’t deal with him right now. I had nothing left that he could take from me. I held my eyes closed and drifted, and I dreamed of Daniel climbing my tree and coming through my window. Suddenly I saw the tree fall to the ground, and Daniel was not there anymore. He had vanished from the tree, just like he would vanish from my life.

“Sit up right now, Charlotte!”

I heard the angry voice of my father again, and he pulled me up. Sunlight was shining in my face. I slowly opened my eyes and tried to focus on him. I was so lightheaded and tired.

“Charlotte, Lenora has brought you dinner. You have been asleep for a day and a half. You either get up and eat, or I am going to take you to the hospital right now,” he said, fuming.

Oh, how I longed for Daniel to come through that window and wrap his sweet arms around me and speak with his soothing, soft voice in my ear. I had felt so safe when I was with him. And now I didn’t feel safe; I didn’t feel anything. I felt alone. I started to cry, and my dad started to cry too. The sound of him crying startled me. I was very surprised to see this particular emotion coming from him, but I was more surprised that I felt sympathy for him suddenly. I wiped my eyes and looked at him.

“Please, Charlotte,” he said, wiping his eyes. “Please get up and eat something. I’m very worried about you.” His voice was weepy.

“OK, Dad, I’m sorry I made you upset,” I said, and my voice sounded like a young child’s.

I had a flashback to when I was five years old. We were in our old house. My mom had been gone for a few days, and I was so very, very sad. I remembered sleeping for a long time. I remembered my dad coming into my room and trying to sit me up. I remembered him crying with me when I started to cry. I remembered Lenora holding me and trying to get me to eat. I had forgotten about it until that moment.

I looked into his eyes. “OK, Dad, I will get up. I will eat something. Please don’t worry,” I said, and I looked past him to see Lenora standing there with tears streaming down her face.

She had a tray with food on it, and she rushed over toward me. My dad got up, and Lenora sat down. She propped me up in bed, and she literally spoon-fed me chicken soup. She held the water up to my lips and helped me sip it. My lips were dry and cracked. I felt much better sitting up and getting some food and water into my stomach.

“Charlotte, you need to get a good solid meal in you before you can run, and you are due for a run today, aren’t you?” he asked quietly.

And there he was. He had returned. He was no longer worried about me. He was worried about me being strong enough to run. But I didn’t have the strength to question it. I wanted to run. I was so alone, and I needed to be with my mom. She would help me through this.

“OK, Dad, I will eat enough to do a long run on the treadmill, OK?” I said obediently, realizing how pleased he would be with my answer.

“Good girl. Welcome back, Charlotte,” he said, and he walked out of the room.

I looked at Lenora, and my eyes had filled with tears. She kissed my cheek and continued to feed me.