Chase Banter [02] Marching to a Different Accordion (19 page)

Chase stood mortified.

“Losing your lezzie, eh,” P.H. said smugly.

Now that was socially unacceptable on Lily’s part, Chase thought.

“Perhaps we should start dinner. Lacey and Jasmine have arrived.” Stella glared at Chase with a look that meant “I will deal with you later.”

In the living room, Gitana handed Chase a Dos Equis and smiled weakly. “Sorry about that,” she said.

“No, it was entirely my fault,” Chase said. She took a pull on her beer and felt better.

“By the way, I don’t think you’re losing your lezzie at all,” Gitana said.

“Thanks.”

Lacey and Jasmine came over. “I’m so sorry we’re late. I had to check things out with the film crew. It appeared they wanted a better backdrop for the panel. They said the community bulletin board was too busy looking so we had to pull it down and repaint the wall a light shade of gray.”

“You had to paint a wall.” Chase was incredulous.

“Believe me it was the fastest paint job ever,” Jasmine said. She pulled a strand of Lacey’s hair to get a paint globule off.

“How is everyone doing, anyway?” Lacey inquired, looking at Ellen and P.H. talking to Stella, who appeared gracious. Delia and Graciela were chatting with Alma and Lily, and Isabel and Peggy were laughing in the corner.

“Well, P.H. attempted to seduce me in the kitchen, and Gitana and I got caught fucking in the library,” Chase said.

“We always miss all the good stuff,” Jasmine whined.

Lacey looked mortified, which was what Chase intended. “I bet Lily would find that socially unacceptable.”

“She did, as she was one of the people standing in the doorway,” Chase retorted. “But let’s not tell Donna. She’s already having a rather stressful evening,” she said, glancing at Donna, who was discreetly talking on the phone in the hallway.

“Well, I certainly hope dinner goes off better,” Lacey said as Stella informed everyone that it was ready.

Dinner did not go off well. P.H. was lurid, Ellen was naïve and Donna was fretful. Graciela and Delia listened with delight as Lily recounted her former life as a person with socially unacceptable proclivities. It was better than a reformed alcoholic or a criminal turned Christian. “Then, you see, it really wasn’t nice to shred her thesis paper and stick it in the coconut cream pie, but my sister’s whole superior attitude about getting her doctorate was disgusting.”

“She didn’t have another copy?” Delia asked incredulously.

“I don’t have copies of my work, just a notebook,” Chase said.

Gitana leaned over and took her hand. “I promise never to shred your manuscript and serve it for dessert.”

“Dear child, this was in the pre-tech era and typewriters were the only method of providing a printed document. It was not possible to do multiple copies unless you used a copy machine, which was expensive.”

Stella entered the conversation. “And smelled of noxious blue ink.”

“Dittos, they called them,” Peggy piped in.

Chase glanced over at P.H. and at Ellen who was hanging on P.H.’s every word. She’d have Ellen in bed in a matter of hours and then break her heart in the same amount of time. Chase hoped it would be after the panel discussion. Chase wished a yeast infection on P.H. and then realized that was another socially unacceptable faux pas. Then she decided she didn’t care. It would serve her right—the evil lesbian.

“Don’t you remember all the White Out you had to use to get rid of typing errors,” Stella said.

“Or you had to retype the whole page,” Alma added.

The rent-a-staff waiter brought out the gazpacho and Indian fry bread. Chase stuck with the fry bread as the peppers in the gazpacho were sure to turn her stomach into a minefield of gastric warfare.

Isabel leaned over and whispered to Chase, “I’m a born and bred New Mexican, but I can’t eat this stuff without having a blowout.”

“Stick with the fry bread, the cheese platter and the blackened trout,” Chase advised. She hoped that her mother’s idea of local cuisine would also give P.H. the shits to go along with the yeast infection.

The minute that dinner was completed and despite the pleas of Donna, Chase grabbed Gitana, bid her mother goodbye to which she paid little or no attention as she was talking to Isabel, who did acknowledge her departure.

“Had enough?” Isabel said coyly. “Don’t worry, I’ll take notes.”

Once in the car, Chase sighed deeply and put her head on the steering wheel. Gitana took her hand. “It’ll be over before you know it.”

“It’s even more horrible than I thought. I can’t believe Lacey talked me into it.” Chase moaned.

There was a tap tap on the window and they both jumped. Chase peered out. “Speak of the devil.” She let the window down. “I’m not really in the mood to see you right now,” Chase said in what she thought was a diplomatic fashion.

Lacey pouted. “What’s wrong? I thought you did great, well, with the exception of the library thing.”

“I don’t like my peers.”

“Ellen is nice,” Lacey ventured.

“She’s going to be a meat sandwich for that pariah you call a linguist. She’s more like a cunnilinguist.”

Lacey sighed. “I am trying to disengage that particular time bomb.”

There was some shuffling around and giggling on the front lawn. “Shit!” Lacey said, and with a move that would have made a Navy SEAL proud she jumped in the backseat. “Let’s go for a drive around the block.”

“Lacey, we’re going home. I’m not up to having any more discussions or whatever you’re up to.”

“Just one turn around the block, quick.” She ducked down in the seat.

“Lacey, it’s dark and we have tinted windows,” Gitana said, in her best soothing-a-small-child voice. “Now, why don’t you tell us what’s wrong?”

“Can’t we just drive for a minute?”

“All right,” Chase said. “One turn around the block and I mean it.” She started the car and pulled out of the drive. “Okay, start talking.”

“I’ve got a huge problem, well, two huge problems and one of them is your fault.”

“What the hell did I do? I don’t want to do this thing and now that I reconsider I don’t have to.”

“You wouldn’t!” Lacey hissed.

Gitana, ever the mediator, said, “Just tell us the problems and we’ll group-solve.”

“Everyone except Jasmine and Chase wants to open the conference. Ellen, I can probably talk out of it although she does have her point about being the beginning of developing gayness with her stories. Delia feels that as a delegate of New Mexico she should open the conference which is a good point and P.H. is simply being an egotistical cunt.”

“What’s the other problem?” Gitana inquired as if the first one weren’t big enough.

“The seating arrangements. P.H. insists on being seated next to Chase.”

“Hmm,” Gitana said. “What does Donna say about all this?”

“She told me that I’d better fix this whole thing and make it look good for Chase so that Myra won’t make her return to New York for a further torture session and if I don’t she’ll personally remove my clitoris with a meat cleaver.”

“I don’t consider that a good choice of cutlery for such a procedure,” Chase said, trying to imagine it.

“Donna used to be so mild-mannered,” Gitana mused.

“What am I going to do?” Lacey moaned.

Chase, out of compassion, made another turn around the block.

“Honey, how long in terms of hours did Addison’s strep throat take to incubate?”

Chase, ever the cataloger along with Addison who was simply fascinated by viruses, had been taking notes. “Addison is fairly certain after her first exposure, when she’d shaken hands with the opposing team’s debate leader, about seven hours and thirteen minutes with full blown symptoms in twelve.”

Gitana glanced at the illuminated clock on the dash. “Perfect.” She plucked her phone from her bag and dialed.

During the course of the conversation, Chase caught the gist and smiled with gleeful savagery. She glanced over at Gitana, who smiled sweetly.

“Where are we going?” Lacey said as if she feared she was being abducted.

“We’re going to get Addison,” Chase said as she turned onto Juan Tabo and made for the freeway.

“Because why?” Lacey said.

“Because she wants to meet P.H. Kinjera and get her autograph. You wouldn’t happen to have one of her books?” Chase said.

“I do in my purse, which is back at the house because I wasn’t aware I was going on a trip.”

“This is going to solve your problem,” Gitana said.

Lacey perked up. “It is? But how?”

“Addison is going to give P.H. a case of strep throat,” Chase said, getting off the freeway.

Lacey appeared to be thinking—at least Chase gave her the benefit of the doubt that when she was quiet she was thinking. “Isn’t that kind of mean?”

“I wouldn’t call it mean. I’d call it unethical and vindictive,” Chase replied as she turned into Tanoan and pulled up in Addison’s drive.

“But she could get everyone sick,” Lacey said as Chase honked the horn.

“We’ll take precautions. We’ll have her meet P.H. on the back patio because although Addison is precocious, she is also extremely shy,” Gitana said.

Addison exited the house wearing gloves, a top-to-toe plastic suit made out of what appeared to be raincoat material with matching Wellington boots and a face mask. She had her enormous backpack, which she swung in the backseat next to Lacey. “Don’t worry. I am completely isolated. You won’t get it.”

“Thanks for doing this,” Chase said.

“Anything to help a friend. Besides this is a great science project,” Addison said, her voice muffled by the mask.

“And what a hands-on experience. Did you bring the other thing?” Chase asked.

Addison dug around in her backpack and pulled out a used pickle jar full of a yellow viscous substance. “It’s right here.”

Lacey leaned away in horror. “What the hell is that?”

“It’s sputum. I’ve been saving it until I’m better so I can look at it under a microscope. I’ve got one ordered, but it hasn’t arrived yet. I’m keeping my specimens in the fridge until then. This is only one sample. I have more,” she said as if she thought they might be concerned that she was sacrificing her project for them.

“Did you know that the flu virus viewed through a microscope resembles a spiral ham stuck with cloves?” Chase added. She exited the freeway and headed for Four Hills.

“We’ve been studying viruses together,” Addison said.

“Great,” Lacey said, inching farther away from her.

“I thought I’d dip the pen into the sample just prior to the interview so the virus will be at its peak performance level,” Addison said.

“Perfect. Chase, who is so popular with P.H., can go in and get her and then we can execute our plan,” Gitana said.

“You’re starting to sound as bad as them,” Lacey said.

“If you mess with me and mine there will be retribution,” Gitana said.

“That sounds like Old Testament doctrine,” Chase said as she pulled into the driveway of Stella’s house.

“Now, Lacey, try and look natural and relaxed when you go in, like everything is supra-normal and you just went out to get some air. Get the book and bring it out to the alcove patio. Addison will de-suit herself and contaminate the pen,” Gitana said.

“We could still get it,” Lacey said.

“We won’t. In the open air and without close contact for such a short period of time the virus does not have a conducive environment for contamination. P.H. touching the pen on the other hand…” Chase replied.

“Studying viruses is weird,” Lacey said, getting out of the car.

“But it certainly comes in handy. Now, act natural and hurry up,” Chase said.

Gitana and Addison crept around the side of the house. They would use the side patio that had more privacy and was usually vacant because it was hidden. Chase left them at the corner of the house and slipped inside.

Chase found P.H. having an animated conversation with Lily. “I still consider your combining of, pardon my language, fuck and cunt to create “funting” as a way to describe lesbian sex disarming and rude,” Lily said, pursing her lips at P.H. like she wanted to rid her mouth of a foul taste.

“If I may borrow P.H. for a moment. I have a fan who would really like you to autograph her copy of your latest book,” Chase said, smiling at P.H. and giving her her best come-hither look. She hoped she didn’t get jumped on the way to the patio. She’d have to move fast.

“Please do,” Lily said.

“And where is this fan of yours?” P.H. inquired as Chase led her toward the patio.

“She’s outside. Addison is very shy,” Chase said.

Once outside, they met Gitana and Addison. “Ms. Kinjera, I’m so glad to meet you. I’ve been a fan of yours since your first book,
The Funting Factor.
I think it’s very important that women create a language of their own.” Addison thrust out the copy of P.H.’s latest book
If Not Now Then When.

“How old are you?” P.H. said, peering down at Addison who was impeccably dressed in what Chase would have called literary fashion—cream-colored trousers, a hunter green oxford shirt with a pale green ascot and a tweed blazer. She looked like a midget English professor.