Chasing Mrs. Knightly (Chasing #5: Chasing Epilogue) (5 page)

I had expected anger to surface in his magnificent features
, but I was quite astounded to find sadness marring his beauty. The sadness was etched everywhere, as if I had just crumbled and stomped on his dream because I had thrown a tantrum. But what had he thought? That I’d happily go along with his wants because I was so sick in love I’d bend over backwards to give him the world? There was no question that I loved him, but I also wanted to be prepared to be a mother, so I could be capable of loving my own offspring and not be this distant parent that would turn into an egotistical maniac the second the child threw a hissy fit or cried in vain.

Being a mother was terrifying and should not be taken lightly. For crying out loud, it wasn’t a joke. Even if he vowed to do everything and anything in his power to cater to the child’s needs, the society expected the mother to do the nurturing, not the father. People would talk freely as to how awful I was at being a mother. The scenarios just kept flooding my brain
, and I couldn’t, for the life of me, let it go for Blake’s happiness.

I simply couldn’t. I was petrified that he was demanding this from me. In a year’s time, who knew what he’d ask of me then.

“I’m sorry, babe. You know I’d give you anything to make you happy, but I can’t compromise with this request.” I hoped he’d find it in his heart to let this dream go for the time being. “Forgive me.”

He nodded, looking like someone had died. “Me
, too. You don’t know how much,” he whispered more to himself, before he gave me one last look and took off.

“Where are you going?” I asked, panicked.

“Heading to the office.”

But it was late. Freaking
hell, couldn’t he just cool the fuck down? “Stay home. You need to rest.”

I heard the loud
, thudding slam of the front door. Well, there went my answer.

He needed to get away to clear his head. Hopefully
, by tomorrow, he’d get over it and realize we weren’t ready to be parents, or better yet, we’d relish on being honeymooners and focus on each other since things hadn’t been dreamy at all since we got together.

~

“Sienna Richards speaking.” I took the call the second after it rang. We were in William’s hospital room, visiting him, and when he’d fallen asleep, I hadn’t seen the problem in taking the call.

Since I was graduating at the end of the year, I thought it would be sensible to also margin out of my comfort zone and take on another job in the marketing field. This time, I was vying to shadow being an Accessories Buyer on top of interning in Stella’s PR firm. I needed to see all the different aspects of what my degree could do for me
, and I was actually excited at the prospect of being surrounded with things I was familiar with and knowing what it truly meant to be a fashionista.

Being one entailed that one lived for the statement. The style. The risqué. The never-ending
, shifting trend. The desire to be bold. To be unique. To find something that portrayed our identity. So we could be free and live life the way we saw fit. The way we wanted to color and paint it with our own heart, our dreams, and our own signature uniqueness.

I was young and the opportunity was there
, therefore I was going to gladly seize it with both of my arms spread wide open and follow the path I had always dreamed of.

The call was about my impending interview
, which was scheduled in three days time. I couldn’t be happier than feeling I was on the right path of achieving my goals. Though, for a minute there, I felt the tugging pang of guilt knowing Blake couldn’t have his because I wasn’t ready to sacrifice any of this yet.

I still wanted more from life
, though. I longed to achieve so much before settling down with a baby. Having one wasn’t a short-term agreement, even if Blake made sure to detail everything to avoid my having to worry at all. I mean, come on, let’s get real here. A baby was a lifelong commitment, whether one agreed to it or not. It just was.

I was grinning
from ear to ear, even right after my call. I was about to spin around and go back to where Blake was when I heard him say, “You’re Sienna
Knightly
now. It’s been six months, and each and every time, it’s always Richards. You’re a Knightly now. My wife, in case that has escaped your notice.”

I stared at him agog
before it sank it. “I’m sorry, I didn’t even realize I was doing that.” Sienna Knightly.
Sienna Knightly
. Damn, that was going to take time getting used to saying.

He completely ignored me as he went through his phone. Ever since our conversation in my closet, we
hadn’t had a real one since. It wasn’t my fault, but mainly his. I wasn’t sure if he was trying to cut me off and punish me for not delivering what one would consider one of my “wifely duties,” but either way, I wasn’t going to budge, even if he cried wolf.

I
merely hoped he’d snap out of this so we could get on with our lives. Not having a baby right this instant wasn’t the end of our lives. For Pete’s sakes, we were young and could plan popping babies out several years down the road. As such, for him to gloat and be immature about this was truly maddening.

“Stella’s dinner’s tonight
, in case you’ve changed your mind—”

“I have not
,” he emphasized gravely. “More importantly, why should I go to a dinner where they celebrate their impending birth of their first child when I have to wait for my very own to be conceived in nearly half a decade?”

“That’s not fair to throw it in my face, Blake
, and you know it.” This grudge wasn’t going to go away anytime soon, I supposed.

He sighed. “I know it isn’t fair, Sienna,” he said with alacrity. “I know this more than you do
, but I held on to hope, thinking this was something that could be negotiated. I was, unfortunately, mistaken in believing we are a team that could take on whatever hurdle was thrown at us. My love is unconditional, and it was utterly shattering to see that yours isn’t.”

I loved him
; how dare he question that. “You don’t know what you’re talking about. You’re just upset, and you’re thinking is muddled with all these emotions playing havoc with the logical side of you.”

“That may
be so, but the blatant fact remains the same. I may be all things right now, but my gut is never wrong, Sienna. It’s there, and it’s telling me that it is.”

He was plainly being ridiculous. I didn’t want to hear any more of this crap. It was diminis
hing my hopes and dreams, and I didn’t want him to take that away. As much as I loved him, I couldn’t sacrifice all of that for him.

“I’m really sorry that you’re hurting
, but please don’t take this out on me, knowing very well that you were aware of what you were committing yourself to the day you agreed to marry me.”

“Are you really sorry
, cara?” he questioned with a straight face. “Because, from where I’m standing, you look like you don’t have a care in the world…. Just as long as your lovely, little world isn’t shaken up, you are quite okay to happily ignore the things that are happening around you.”

He kept stabbing me with his words as weapons
, and I wasn’t going to tolerate it any longer. I’d had enough of it. “I’m going home. I’ll see you when you get back.” I reluctantly went close to him and kissed him on the cheek. “I’m sorry, Blake.”

Desperate Measures

Blake

“I’m sorry, Blake,” she merely whispered against my ear before she walked out of the room while I watched after her, noting the massive gap that was stretching between us.

Even though grandfather was sound asleep, I stayed a
while, needing the comfort of the steady beating of his heart and breathing monitor that made an echoing noise in the background.

Had my wish been so selfish that she’d immediately brush it off without some thought? S
ienna hadn’t even batted a single one of those sooty lashes before making a decision. She had simply brushed it off as if I’d get over it the next day, as if it was some kind of irritating noise in the background. I had hoped she’d at least consider my proposal without shutting it down fully just because she felt like she was being trapped into doing something she didn’t want to do. I never meant for it to come off as an obligation—never—but at the very least, she could’ve at least discussed how and why I had come about this decision, even though we had come to a very logical agreement six months prior.

S
he infuriated me to no end, although there was no doubt in my mind that I couldn’t stand not having her in my life. Last night, for example, I meant to directly go to the office and sort out the mess I had left my people to deal with because I was too frazzled to function after my grandfather’s unfortunate circumstances. However, even though my mind had been dead-set on heading to the office, I had somehow found myself driving towards our home. Upon realizing the route I had chosen, the immediate need to see her, even for the shortest of minutes, had felt more vital than breathing itself.

Also, the urgency to spill my current dilemma was essential. All the while driving there
, I had fought with myself, arguing that she might be busy and my proposal could wait until later on.
Still,
I had found myself in the driveway fifteen minutes later, resolute on seeing Sienna. I’d thought then that I had enough faith in our bond that she might at least try to see it from my perspective.

H
ow wrong had I been when merely
seconds
after my revelation, she’d immediately fielded everything and completely blocked any sensible reasoning that could put some shed of light to my argument. Was I angry that she’d reacted this way? Only a little, but I also knew I couldn’t hold it against her because she had made it precisely clear where she stood with the subject beforehand. Was I disappointed that my wife couldn’t even stand the thought of pretending to consider it at least? Most definitely.

Pondering my problems wasn’t one of my main past times
, yet sure enough, the past days had been bombarded by it, which was when the idea had pressed into my mind.

I had thought it
might rattle her a little, might even deserve me a hard slap for having the audacity to ask it of her. Never had I pictured her giving me a cold, accusatory look as if I had betrayed her trust and confidence. As much as it hurt to be shut down, I wasn’t ready to give up just yet.

And just like that, another notion surfaced. Therefore,
I took my time, thinking about my new idea. So much so that I stayed another hour at my grandfather’s side, sitting and pondering as to how to go about it without sounding absurd. It was hard to decipher my feelings, truly. It was as if something had clicked inside me and nothing had been the same since. All I knew was that I wanted this new kind of happiness for me and Sienna, and at the same time, to fulfill this heavy void that filled my heart ever since my parents had died in an avalanche in the Swiss Alps.

Whatever the outcome of this, I knew disappointment wasn’t far behind to remind me that sometimes
, no matter how much you love or hope or dream or obsess about one thing, having the means wasn’t simply enough to accomplish the impossible.

Shock Value

Sienna

I was in the kitchen, pouring myself a glass of sparkling water, when Blake strode into the room, seeming less tense since I saw him last. Cautiously sipping my drink, my eyes never left him. Even in these odd conditions, my appreciation of his dark, commanding beauty still hadn’t escaped me.

He was all male and exuded
the kind of aura that demanded attention and power. It easily came without lifting a finger or saying a word, making everyone jump to attention. He simply had been born with this outstanding kind of confidence I admired and envied most of the time.

“May I have a word?”
he spoke, breaking my trance-like fascination of his handsomeness.

“Why do you need to be so formal? We’re in the kitchen for crying out loud. Word away
, my dearest husband.” I meant to lighten the mood, but he didn’t even crack a smile.

He
’s still mad then
, I assumed with a sinking feeling in my gut.

“After you left,
I began thinking… rather extensively, I might add.” He was terse, and even though he seemed composed, the locking of his jaw was an indication he was under a lot of stress because of yours truly.

So this was about the baby again.

“Go on,” I said, beyond exhausted about this damned, infuriating subject. Why couldn’t he just leave it be? Why, oh why, couldn’t he just get over it? This conversation wasn’t going to end well because my answer was still a resounding no.

“How about surrogacy? The same conditions apply—you can do as you please and I’d still take care of the baby.”

“Surrogacy?”
Was he fucking with me?

He made a careless shrug. “I made a last minute appointment set for tomorrow. I was hoping we could see what it is about.” He pulled out his cell
phone, tapped on the screen, and slid it over the counter towards me. “The exclusive agency sent me photos in case you were particular about what the surrogate would look like. They said that some parents always demands a certain IQ level and impressive beauty.”

My hand shook a little when I plucked the device off the countertop.

The intended surrogate was pretty. She looked like she was from Italian descent.

“What do you think?”
His question echoed in my mind as I kept staring at the pretty picture.

She was strikingly pretty
, too pretty for my liking.
Did he choose this particular picture for another reason?
I thought darkly as jealousy slowly crept in my system. Would Blake treat her like a queen because she was inseminated with his sperm? My train of thought was a total wreck, yet I couldn’t help it.

“You want her to live here while she’s carrying your child? Don’t tell me you want to fuck her
, too?”

“Don’t be bloody absurd!” he thundered out, insulted.

“I don’t want any of this.” I slid the phone back towards him just as the tethering madness of anger exploded. “If you can’t wait to have a child, then maybe you married the wrong woman.”

“Now you’re just being ridiculous.” His nostrils flared as he stared at me with eyes full of a lot of things I didn’t care noticing. “Could we sit down and discuss this rationally? This is the most plausible solution for the both of us.”

“I am not going to let another woman carry your child!” I shrieked. “I can just see how enamored you’d be. You might end up falling for her, or much worse, believe that she’s truly the mother of your child. I’m not going to let that happen. Not on my watch.”

He pulled the side of his hair, muttering something in Italian. “If you can’t stand the bloody thought of another woman carrying
our
child, then why don’t you do it for us, Sienna? It’s only nine months. I know that’s a lot of time to ask you to sacrifice, but I promise, I will deliver on whatever it is you wish for. If you want a job anywhere, just name it, I’ll make it happen. If you want to open a business, just say so, I’d provide all the help so you wouldn’t even have to worry about a thing. If you want to travel the world, hell, I have jets on standby to take you anywhere. Don’t you see how desperate I am for this, Sienna?” His voice shook. “I’m man enough to tell you that I’m desperate to have our baby, and I’m beseeching you, begging for your consideration to grant me this wish, just this once. I promise I’ll move Heaven and earth to make you happy. I can love the child for the both of us, if that’s what you’re worried about.”

This was getting
to be too much to handle. How could he go on and on about this when it was a dead end? Why couldn’t he just drill it into his head?

“You’re pushing me to have a baby when I’m not ready for it. I’m just not
. And you said it yourself in the very beginning that you’d be willing to wait until I was ready. What happened to that?”

“My grandfather’s sickness happened.”

“You’re asking for the impossible, Blake. I’m sorry, but my answer hasn’t changed.”

“I know,” he murmured much to himself. “But it was worth a try.”

His broken face and dispirited demeanor brought immense despair.

“Don’t do this
. Don’t withdraw from me. Trust me, this is for the best.” I had believed in my heart this would not change our relationship, but looking at his stricken face, I wasn’t so sure anymore.

“You’re right. My apologies. This was a mistake.” The smile he granted me tore my insides raw.

“We’re going to be fine
,” I assured him. I wanted to walk towards him and give him comfort, however he stopped me with a look before I even took a step forward.

“I’ll sleep in the guest room tonight. I need to clear my head.”

Okay, at least it wasn’t the office or a nearby hotel. That was a small blessing.

“If that’s what you think is best.”

~

When Blake said that he needed to stay the night in one of our guest rooms, I truly thought he meant
one
night. Five days later, he didn’t seem to be in any hurry to move back into our bedroom.

It was troubling to see how
the argument had brought us so far apart. I’d love to reach out to him, feel his touch again, his warmth, and the sweetness of his kisses, but I knew he wasn’t ready to do any of that. The past five days were indication enough; he didn’t even try to call or text me like he usually did. There were no messages of sweet nothings, sometimes asking me if I had forgotten any meals, or if I fancied anything in particular for dinner, like he usually did. Most of the time, those messages were small reminders that showed me how much he loved me.

I can’t get you out of my head.

Ti amo, cara. Never fail to remember that.

You unman me
, amore.

Don’t forget to enrich your gorgeous body with breakfast
, poppet.

Forever I am yours, Mr. Knightly.

I’m in a meeting. Instead of listening to new proposals, I imagine you amidst the table, dancing, seducing me with your gorgeous eyes, with your body. Did I tell you how much you affect me, Sienna?

I love you. You. Just you. Forever you. Always you. Mrs. Knightly.

Husband here… thinking about this wicked witch who woke me up in the middle of the night, beautifully riding me like I was her instrument for pleasure. You amaze me, cara. I knew I married you for all sorts of pleasurable reasons.

Did I tell you that each time I passed Knightsbridge that I remember that first time I took you for
a massage? My God, how I ached for you then… and how much that has tripled since then…

Hi
, Sienna. Please tell me you miss me.

New trendy restaurant opened in Mayfair. Mind if you let your knight take you out on a date?

Back in my London office, mind paying me a kinky visit anytime soon?

Don’t forget lunch
, cara.

Fucking hell
. I bloody fucking miss you.

These random ramblings from him here and there, whether he was in the country or out
on business halfway across the world, never failed to let me know I was never far from his thoughts. His utter silence was deafening now. This was his punishment… by completely ignoring me?

Well, at least he still came home
, I thought dourly, yet the idea didn’t bring much comfort, either.

So I dined all by myself, patiently waiting for him to arrive so I could at least see him
, even if he looked at me with no emotions. Every day, it was getting harder to bridge the gap between us. I completely ignored our friends when they tried to invite us to do something fun with them. I sure wasn’t ready to bring this out in the open when we hadn’t resolved it yet. I missed seeing our friends, but I missed my husband more.

When the time indicated it was ten past ten, I gave in to my wishes and took my phone to call him. When it kept ringing and I was sent to voicemail, I wasn’t even surprised that he didn’t take my call
, yet I tried again for the second time, feeling like a possessed woman, simply needing to reassure myself that he wasn’t in some freak accident or out and about town.

I was about to hang up when I knew that in another ring the voicemail
would come through, but I was surprised to actually hear his voice on the other end.

“Hello?” He didn’t sound irritated
, but he didn’t seem welcoming, either. Fuck, he was making me nervous.

“It’s me
. I was just wondering why you’re not home yet? Are you still in the office?”

“No. I left a few hours ago.”

Well, okay… At least he was responding to my questions. “Where are you?”

“I’m about to head to a private club to meet with the guys. Do you need something, Sienna?”

Yes, I need you home. I needed my Blake back.

“I just miss you
. I’ve missed you terribly.” My feelings took over, and I couldn’t help telling him how much I wanted things to be back to how they were between us.

His immediate silence cut through my heart. Deeply.

“Don’t you love me anymore? Why are you acting this way?” My insecurities came in full force, overwhelming me, yet I couldn’t stop hemorrhaging it out of my mouth. The toxicity of it was acrid on my tongue. “Is this your way of saying that you want a divorce?” I hiccupped at the word, dying slowly inside. “Because if it is, just fucking say so! And if you’ve already slept with another woman, I swear to God I’ll take you to the cleaners. You can kiss those billions of yours goodbye!” Tears fell on my face as I imagined him taking another woman, sharing himself like he usually did when he and I were through.

I stared at the phone, wondering if he had hung up
, but it still showed we were connected. 

What the bloody flying fuck! “Blake
, stop pissing me off!” I screamed into the phone, losing it like a mental person.

“I would never divorce you.” His voice flittered through the phone. “Even if it kills me. Even if I loathed you on sight.
Even if you cheated on me. Even if you’re suffering, we’ll suffer together. There will never be a divorce.”

His words sent me into a panic overdrive.

“Well, maybe it was a blessing then because I will never give you a child. If you’re willing to let me suffer, then so will you. I’m going to make you regret that you’ve ever met me.”

“Maybe it’s just as well I make someone else pregnant with my first born then.”

His words were cruel, as were mine, however this was getting to be too much. It was as if he had pushed me into a cold, freezing lake and left me to drown.

“I would kill your whore and your bastard baby
. Then I would kill you before taking my own life.” I was shaking before I dropped on the couch, feeling helpless.

“You want a divorce, Sienna?”

No. Oh, God no… I wouldn’t… I’d die without you…

“If this is what marriage to you is like, then yes, I want one.”

“I’ll give you your divorce in exchange for a baby,” he said without emotion.

And then I’d be out of his life forever? What about the baby? What about me? How could he say these things to me? He vowed to love me forever…

“Is that the only way you’d free me?” I wondered out loud, loneliness set
ting me adrift.

“Yes.”

Was this still my husband? I knew I had said some callous words, and the old Blake used to be cruel. Even then, it was obvious he was still in love with me. But this man I was speaking to, was another man entirely. It was Blake, yet he was also a stranger to me.

“I’ll call the lawyers to prepare them for the divorce. Our pre-nuptial agreement has a lot of clauses. Nine months will be enough time for negotiation since you want a hefty amount of my billions. Best they get to it before you give birth.” Then he hung up, leaving me reckless and desolate.

What have I done? Why did I have to make that stupid phone call? Had I not pestered and goaded him to be angry with me, he would have come home, and eventually, we could’ve resolved things as we usually did. But things were said and done, and there was no way in hell I could undo the hurtful words I had slung at him. I regretted them greatly. However, I couldn’t help tearing into him to give him an idea of the shit-storm I was going through. I had been selfish, and in turn, my selfishness had cost me my marriage.