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I nodded, gripping the oars, white knuckled.

“Cool.”

We sat in silence for a little while, until finally, I cleared my throat.

“Why are you all weird?” she demanded.

I lifted my eyes to hers. “I was thinking about kissing you.”

She narrowed her eyes, crossing her arms over her chest. “
Why?
”

I shrugged.
“Because we both need the practice. You know Mike likes you. And Erika likes me. And they’ll both be at Danielle’s birthday party next week, and we’re both invited.”

“You want to practice kissing
with me?” she asked quietly, unwrapping her arms from her body and leaning forward. “What makes you think I give a shit about Mike Jacobson?”

“I see the way you twirl your hair when he talks to you. You only do that when you like someone.”

She reached for her hair, scowled, and let the curl slide through her fingers.

“Come on, Boss.”

“Brew, this is crazy. You don’t like me like that.”

“I like you more than any other girl.”

“Oh, I’m so flattered. I don’t feel at all like a giant
loser
.”

“You can’t tell me you never thought about kissing me.”

“As
if
,” she’d cried, rolling her eyes. “Nope, not one time.”

“Never?”
I clarified, unable to keep my over-inflated teenaged ego in check.

She exhaled irritated. “Well, maybe on
ce.”

I’d grinned. “When was that?”

“At that
Beach Boy’s
concert your mom took us to. When you said you had diarrhea and we had to leave early. I wanted to kiss you.”

I laughed, and she joined me, relaxing a little.

“It was horrible, wasn’t it?”

“Not really them, just the people there. They all smelled like
orange juice and vitamins,” she went on.

Laughing, I rolled my eyes.
“You always think people smell weird,” I accused with a grin.

“They do. You smelled like pancakes when I first met you, but I kept you anyway.”

I leaned forward, reaching for her knees. She almost jumped out of her skin when I dropped my hands over her soft legs. “Okay, I’m going in. Meet me half way,” I ordered.

Without giving her time to protest, I went for it.

She tasted like the cotton candy that we’d eaten the whole way home from the park. I kept my lips tightly shut, and so did she, and after a moment, I pulled away.

She’d closed her eyes, and I waited for them to open.

Finally, after endless seconds, I cleared my throat again. “Um, are you gonna open your eyes?”

“No. I can’t,” she whispered. “Because then I’d have to look at you, and I don’t know what’s going to happen next.”

“Next?” I shifted uncomfortably. “What are you talking about?”

“I’m not ready to make out with anyone.
Especially not you. I mean, especially not you because you’re my best friend, so that’d be dumb, I’d sabotage everything.”

“Sabotage?”
I loved her colorful vocabulary, sitting back and waiting. “
That’s
dumb. Open your eyes.”

“No. I can’t. Jason, I’m scared.”

I glanced around the canoe, my stomach sinking into my ass.

“Fuck… San, seriously, open your eyes. I… kind of let go of the oars. And… they’re somewhere in the water.”

“
What!?
” Her eyes popped open, and she scrambled to the edge of the canoe. “Jason!”

“What! I got distracted, and
I forgot to lock the oars…,”

“We’re stuck here. Your parents are sound asleep. We’re stuck here all night.”

She growled, kicking her foot against the side of the canoe.

I arched one eyebrow, shooting her a sarcastic glare. “Um, we’re only a few feet away from the shore. We could get out and swim.”

“In the scum? With the turtles? And the fucking snakes? No!”

“Then shut up. I’m sorry, okay?”

She crossed her arms again, tipping her face back to stare at the sky. “My mom’s right. The penis is IQ kryptonite.”

I burst out laughing. “Wait- what?” I tried to stop, and eventually, she joined me, giggling uncontrollably. “My penis is not kryptonite. Now come on, it’s warm out, it’s a nice night. We can sleep out here. It’s no different than sleeping on the dock or in a tent, and we’ve done that a thousand times.
Come’ere.”

I held my arms out, and she switched sides, settling in next to me.

“On the dock or in the tent, I have the option to get up and go to the bathroom,” she argued.

“If you have to pee, I won’t look. You can just k
ind of sit on the edge of the-”

“I’m fine,” she sighed, fitting next to me. “Scoot over.”

We stretched out in the canoe, the soft lapping of the waves soothing against the sides of the wood. She rested her head on my chest.

“This is actually really nice.”

My voice cracked a little, and she patted my arm.

“I guess.”

“Someday we’ll tell our children about this. And we’ll laugh.”

“Our
children?” she demanded, and I winced, holding her steady.

“Your children and my children.
Separately
. Come on, forget the kiss. Sorry I made things weird.”

“I’ll forgive you in time.”

I rolled my eyes, smirking into the darkness.

“Look, the Big Dipper,” I pointed out.

“Duh. It’s been in the same place every night for years.”

“I’m changing the fucking subject. Go with me here.”

I felt her grin against my chest.

After a while, my eyes grew heavy. She seemed restless, so I tucked her body against mine in case she was cold.

“When I get married,” she began, almost to herself, “I’m getting married right on that dock. It’s my favorite place in the whole world.”

I smiled into the night sky. “How many stars, San?”

She exhaled slowly, and I watched her eyelids flutter closed. “Two. One for me, and one for you.”

It was hard to believe that we’d had that conversation almost twenty years ago.

By the time we reached her parent’s driveway, Sandy had moved from contented to full-on worry. She’d tensed every muscle, her eyebrows knitted, and her knee bobbed nervously against the passenger side door.

“
Hey,” I said softly, reaching for her hand. “It’s just you and me. Just like it’s always been. Okay?”

She responded to my calm voice,
leaning in for a kiss. “Promise?”

I shoved my fingers into her curls, slowing my lips over hers, and
she moaned softly. “Of course I promise.”

CHAPTER
THIRTEEN

Sandy

To say my parents were happy for us was an understatement

My mom immediately set to
making wedding plans, pulling up TheKnot.com. When I watched her log in, I realized that she’d already created a profile for me.

“I’ve just been collecting ideas over the years, honey. I have a
Pinterest board, too. Oh, Jason, come here,” she cried, her heavy arms locking Jason in a possessive grip. “What a love story. You two need your own wedding website. I’ll help design it. You’re like her knight in shining armor,” Molly Quinn cooed, kissing Jason’s cheek.

“
I kind of feel like she’s mine,” Jason argued, gazing at me with all the love in the world in his eyes. I thought my mom was bordering on insanity with her mix of laughter and tears.

My dad refused to let me go, his arm locked around me. “Make me grandsons, Jason. That’s an order.”

Jason beamed, exchanging a playful look with me. “I’ll do my best, Jim.”

“If you want
a wedding in the Brewer’s backyard, we can rule out the issue of venue availability,” my mom went on. “I’ll start checking into the vendors. DJ or band? Wait, do we have a date? I have to call your mom, Jason.”

I almost laughed at the absurdity of the moment. My mom made it sound like
she was arranging a play date for us. “Mom, Dad, please. This is all really new. We just decided to marry each other less than an
hour
ago.” My words came out choppy and almost felt delusional.
We’re getting married? This is real?
“We’ll… talk after we get home from the beach, okay? I promise to start making plans for you, Mom,” I added when my mother’s face fell.

“
Jason, don’t let her procrastinate,” my mom replied, turning toward him.

“Molly, Sandy’s the boss here. Her terms,” he replied with a smile, reaching for me. “This week is all about being completely lazy on the shore. Okay?”

“Yes, be lazy, but start thinking about how big you want the wedding party to be, okay, sweetheart?” my mom urged.

I nodded reluctantly.

That night, I curled in Jason’s arms. He held me quietly, running his finger over my temple again and again.

“
I’m scared,” I finally exhaled, and he sighed, focusing on me. “Now, if I’m stupid and I back out or change my mind, I’ll hurt the one person I love more than anyone in this world. I- can’t hurt you- I-”

My pulse raced, and Jason gripped my hand, hushing me softly.

“
Shh
, San, breathe. Calm down. I will still love you if you change your mind or want to wait another year. Or two or five. I know your mom’s excited- all of our parents are excited- but that’s the pressure that you
don’t
need right now.”

“
Let’s not talk about it for a while,” I begged, and he only held me closer.

“We won’t. No wedding talk this week.
Just the beach, some beer, and a lot of music. Just like old times. Okay?”

“Okay.”
I felt my breathing even, and my heartbeat slow.

Closing my eyes, I imagined at least fifty stars before losing count and falling asleep.

~

The next morning, the sound of Joplin barking and the smell of coffee brewing lulled me into a
sense of urgent happiness, like those first few minutes after waking up on Christmas morning. It wasn’t even five AM and Jason was in and out of the house, packing the pickup. Joplin hurried over to me as I moved to the kitchen. “Morning.” He smiled, kissing me quickly. “Let me know when you’re ready for me to carry your bags. I found some camping chairs in the attic and grabbed those. I came across an umbrella, too, but I don’t think we need that, right?”

“You know me. Burn first, tan second,” I murmured, succumbing to his contagious excitement.

“My little Irish baby,” he said playfully, slipping his arm around my back to pull me into a slower kiss. I warmed, and he nodded toward the coffee pot. “Hurry, make yourself a cup to go. Let’s roll, girls!” he called to Joplin and me.

The
summer day couldn’t have been more perfect.

We piled into Jason’s
truck, with Joplin claiming the entire back seat of the cab. All of our bags and supplies were packed securely in the bed beneath the cover.

As much as I wanted to talk about everything all at once with Jason, I had no idea where to start. When he’d said the words that I’d been waiting to hear all of my life, in the most perfect setting imaginable to me, I’d burst into tears.

Of course I said yes.

That night, falling asleep in his arms, I’d dreamt about Jason’s babies. I was almost thirty-five years old, and had wanted children for what seemed like an eternity. It was never the right guy, or the right time with me.

Now, it was the worst possible timing with my best friend in the world.

I tried to separate my feelings from my body’s natural responses. Sex
with Jason was mind-blowing, I knew, and I was trying to remember what Dr. Adams had told me.

“It’s
important to go slow right now. Your mind’s natural reaction, after a traumatic event, is to let your body take over and seek out pleasure to avoid feeling the pain.”

I described the way I’d begun to fixate on everything good about Jack, confessing that I still felt like some part of me loved him. Other than the three times he’d physically hurt me, he’d been good to me, and I almost felt as though I was being unfair to him.

“Several emotions surface after ending a relationship like yours and Jack’s,” Dr. Adams had assured me. “Often, the victim of domestic abuse will minimize the situation. When I see that, it is sometimes in conjunction with isolation. Withdrawing from your surroundings. Being out of work, I feel that it’s good that you’re not alone. However,” she’d gone on, “living with Jason may only confuse you. I encourage you to think about staying with your parents or even Jessica for a while, if she’s willing.”