Authors: Ariel Tachna
“Because you’re funny and amazing and didn’t look down on the kid from the outback when you moved to Lang Downs,” Jason said. “Because you always had time for me even though I was younger than you. Because you pretended to have trouble with math so I wouldn’t feel bad about struggling with it and still managed to explain it to me better than any of our teachers or textbooks ever could. Because you were as lonely as I was, even if you were better at pretending you didn’t need anyone. Because your smile lights up a room and I forget other people are around when I look at you. Is that enough or do you need more reasons?”
Seth swallowed hard. He hadn’t expected Jason to have an answer for his question, especially not that detailed an answer. “It’s enough,” he said hoarsely. “It’s… fuck, Jase, you can’t say things like that to me. I’m not that man.”
“Yes, you are,” Jason said. “Maybe you don’t see yourself that way, but you did all those things. Remember when I got back from Taylor Peak after Misfit got hurt? You’re the one I went looking for. Not my parents or Cooper or anyone else. I went looking for you because as soon as I saw you, I felt better. You make me happy just by being there.”
“You’re a drongo to trust me that much,” Seth said. “I’ll just fuck it up like I fuck up everything and end up hurting you too.”
“You keep saying that,” Jason said, “but it’s not going to happen. I mean, I’m sure we’ll step on each other’s toes sometimes. You are a bit of a slob. But that’s not enough to make me stop loving you.”
“And when I get so freaked out about something I end up doing something stupid to get it to stop?” Seth asked. “Because that’s a whole lot harder to control than being a slob.”
“What’s freaking you out?” Jason asked. “Maybe we can find a better way to cope with it.”
“Everything,” Seth said. “I don’t know how to have a relationship. I don’t know how to have sex with a man. I don’t know how to be happy.”
“I hate to break it to you,” Jason said, “but we’ve had a relationship for ten years, and you’re doing fine. So maybe if you know more about that than you think you do, the other stuff won’t be that hard either.”
“Being friends isn’t the same thing,” Seth said.
“No?” Jason asked. “Because from where I’m sitting, the only things that’ll change are sleeping in the same bed—which we did half the time anyway—and sex. And the only difference there is who you’re doing it with. Unless you aren’t attracted to me.”
“Now who’s fishing for compliments?” Seth’s voice caught as he spoke. Not attracted to Jason? How could he think that?
“Me,” Jason answered easily. “Hearing you say you loved me was a dream come true. Kissing you was something I only let myself think about alone late at night. I’m trying my damnedest to be patient and give you what you need for this to work, but it hit me hard when you ran. I’ll stand at your side no matter what comes, but I can’t do that if you aren’t here.”
“I’m sorry,” Seth said. “I didn’t want you to find out. I didn’t want
anyone
to find out how weak I am.”
“Do you think you can tell me why you did it?”
Seth tried to figure out how to explain his cutting to Jason. It never made sense later, even to him. “Because sometimes things get so tangled up in my head that I can’t think straight,” he said finally. “And when that happens, pain is the only thing that breaks the cycle. I can control that. I can choose where to cut and how deeply. Sometimes it feels like the only thing I can control.”
“Now it’s my turn to apologize. I never meant to make you feel that way.”
“You didn’t,” Seth said. “At least not just you, and not intentionally. I told you. I’m a fuckup, and the way I deal with that isn’t any better.”
“You aren’t a fuckup, and if you don’t like the way you deal with it, find a new way.”
“It’s not that easy,” Seth protested.
“I’m sure it’s not, but that doesn’t mean you can’t do it. You’ve never backed down from a fight, Seth. Hell, you took on Walker today. Next to that, this will be a piece of cake.”
“I wouldn’t even know where to start,” Seth admitted.
“Me either,” Jason said, “but I know who might have some ideas.”
“Who?”
“Thorne or Ian,” Jason said. “They both got help to deal with their PTSD. Some of the things they learnt might help you too. And if they don’t, they can tell us who to ask for more help.”
“I love you,” Seth said because nothing else would do right then. “Anyone else would have run away screaming by now.”
“Their loss,” Jason replied. “I love you too. You should get some sleep so your body can heal up. I want you well again. I might not love you for your pretty face, but that doesn’t mean I like it covered in bruises.”
“I miss you,” Seth said softly. “The bed is cold without you in it.”
“It’s summer,” Jason said. “Nothing is cold right now. But I miss you too. Say the word and I’ll move to Taylor Peak tomorrow. Or you can come home. Whatever you want.”
“In a few days,” Seth said. He hated making Jason wait, but he couldn’t take that final step yet. He needed a few days to just breathe first. “Tell everyone I said cheers.”
“Good night, Seth. Dream of me.”
“Night, Jase.”
Seth disconnected the call and lay in bed, staring at the ceiling. His thoughts chased themselves around in his head, but for once, he let them run without trying to slow them down and channel them toward or away from anything.
Jason loved him. Despite everything, despite the cutting and the running and the fighting and everything, Jason still loved him. It should have scared him, that even when he screwed up this badly, he couldn’t shake Jason, but it steadied him instead. Maybe Jason was right. Maybe he could make this relationship work.
He closed his eyes and the thought of a life with Jason followed him into sleep.
S
ETH
DIDN
’
T
wait for Jason to call him when he got back to his room in the bunkhouse the next night. He grabbed his phone and called Jason right away.
“Hello?”
Jason sounded breathless… intriguingly so.
“Hi, it’s me.”
“Hi, Seth. I was going to call you in a few minutes. I just got out of the shower.”
And wasn’t that a lovely image? Jason dripping wet from the shower, wrapped in just a towel—a towel Seth could flick out of the way with minimal effort.
“Do you want to call me back?”
“No, just give me a second to put some clothes on.”
“Don’t go to any trouble on my account,” Seth replied. “I kind of like the idea that you’re only half dressed while we’re talking.”
“Oh, so this is going to be one of
those
calls?” Jason teased.
“Do you mind?”
“Not a bit. As long as it won’t make you uncomfortable.”
“I’m uncomfortable all right,” Seth said, adjusting himself to make more room for his awakening cock, “but I’m hoping you’ll do something about it.”
“When you come home, I’ll do anything you want,” Jason promised.
“Tell me,” Seth whispered. “What would you do if I was there?”
Jason’s breath hitched. “We’d come in from dinner in the canteen, probably laughing because of something Molly said to Neil.”
Seth could picture it so easily. How many hundreds of times had they left the canteen laughing at how henpecked Neil was? It was a comforting image, safe and familiar and
real
.
“As soon as we got inside, I’d push you against the wall, because laughing with you is a huge turn-on. Almost as much as kissing you.”
“Maybe I’d push you against the wall instead,” Seth said.
“I’d be fine with that,” Jason replied. “As long as you’re touching me and letting me touch you in return. I’m a switch through and through.”
Seth shivered at that, imagining rolling around on the bed with Jason, changing positions and roles as the mood took them. It felt so right, thinking of being together that way. “What then?”
“Depends on what you want,” Jason said, “but I’m thinking we get naked pretty fast. Unless you’d rather go slow and draw things out, of course. Slow can be good too.”
Seth could imagine both, but he was already half hard just from listening to Jason talk. He wouldn’t have the patience for slow tonight. “Naked is good. We can go slow another night.”
“We will.” The depth of promise in Jason’s voice stole Seth’s breath. He couldn’t dwell on it, or he’d beg Jason to drive over there right now. He popped open the buttons on his shirt and shrugged it off.
“My shirt’s off,” he said. “Is that enough?”
“It’s a start,” Jason said, “although I’m a little farther along than you are. That’s okay, though. I’ll enjoy stripping you the rest of the way. What do you like? Should I suck on your nipples for a while or keep stripping you?”
Seth didn’t even know how to answer. Foreplay with Ilene had been all about getting her ready, her assumption being that touching her would be enough. He couldn’t remember the last time someone had taken the time to explore his body.
“Seth?” Jason said softly.
“I’m here. Surprise me.”
He could practically hear Jason grinning through the phone. “Oh, baby, you’re in for a treat. I have an oral fixation, you know. I’ve got to have my mouth on something during sex. Your mouth, your neck, your chest, your dick, tonguing open your arse—it doesn’t matter as long as my mouth’s busy somewhere.”
Seth moaned. Oh fuck, Jason was going to kill him before he ever touched him.
“Suck on your fingers,” Jason directed. “Get them nice and wet.” Seth did as Jason told him. “Ready?”
“Yeah.”
“Good. Now run them over your nipple. Doesn’t matter which one. That’s my tongue learning your body, finding just the right spot and pressure to make you moan for me again.”
Seth would’ve moaned even if he’d felt nothing just because Jason wanted him to, but his nipple tingled and puckered at the touch of his hand, fueled by his imagination and what it might feel like to have Jason licking over his skin. “Feels so good.”
“That’s what I like to hear,” Jason replied. “I want you so bad my hands are shaking. I’m going to drop the phone if I’m not careful.”
“Don’t do that,” Seth begged. “I want to know what happens next.”
“We can’t do what I have in mind in the living room,” Jason said. “Well, maybe we could, but we’d be more comfortable in bed, so I’d dance you through the house to the bedroom because I’m not letting you go, even to get there faster. When we get to the bedroom, I get you the rest of the way undressed. Get undressed for me?”
“As long as you do the same.”
“Already there,” Jason replied.
Seth stripped as fast as he could. His whole body ached to be touched, but he waited to see what Jason would tell him to do next. “Me too,” he said when he picked the phone back up.
“Can you still hear me okay?” Jason asked. “I put the phone on speaker so I’ll have both hands free. I have to get myself ready if I’m going to ride you like I’ve dreamed of doing.”
Lust hit Seth low in the belly, his groin tightening with it as he imagined Jason hovering above him. “What should I do?”
“You have to open me up if you want me to ride you,” Jason said. “It hurts otherwise.”
“I don’t want to hurt you,” Seth said immediately.
“You won’t,” Jason assured him. “You’d get your fingers all covered in lube and take your time opening me up so that when we can’t stand it anymore, you’ll slide right inside me, slick and smooth and easy.”
“You’ll have to do it for me tonight.” Heart pounding, Seth tried to picture what it would feel like to open Jason up the way he’d described, but his imagination failed him. “Tell me what you’re doing. Tell me what it feels like.”
“You’ve got big hands, and they feel so good on me.” Jason’s voice had gone throaty. Seth closed his eyes to better picture what Jason was describing. “Long, thick fingers that will stretch me open so good. You start with just one. You don’t need to. We do this often enough—and I want you so bad I’ll stretch fast and easy for you—but you like teasing me. You like hearing me beg for your fingers. You like hearing me beg you to fuck me even more, but I’m not quite that desperate yet. It won’t be long, but I’m not there yet.”
“Jason,” Seth moaned. He wanted to see how Jason looked as he fingered himself. What would his face look like contorted with pleasure?
“You keep working your finger deeper, but you’re a bastard about it, never touching my prostate because you know I’ll go off too fast if you do that. You’ve done that before, stuck a couple fingers in me and played with it until I can’t help myself.”
“But not tonight,” Seth said, getting into the spirit of the moment. “Tonight I want more than just my fingers inside you.”
“Then give me another finger,” Jason said. “One won’t be enough for you to take me hard.”
Seth wrapped his hand around his cock, stroking slowly as he imagined it was Jason’s hand keeping him hard while he stretched him. “I’ve got two fingers in you now,” he said. “You’re hot and tight, aren’t you?”
“Hot and tight and greedy,” Jason agreed. “The only problem is you’re out of reach. I told you I liked having my mouth on something. Turn around so I can get to your dick. I’ll suck you just enough to keep you ready for me.”
Seth’s hand tightened on his length as he replaced the image of Jason’s hand with the image of his mouth closing around the tip. “Shit, fuck, Jase, you’re going to kill me.”
“No, baby, just love you,” Jason replied. “Your fingers feel so good inside me, stretching me open.” He gasped out a sharp moan. “You found my prostate that time.”
Seth groaned. He wanted more of those needy sounds. If touching Jason’s prostate made him sound like that, Seth would milk it for all it was worth. “Not just found it,” he forced out around his own grunts and gasps. “I’m going to play with it until you’re begging me to fuck you.”
“It won’t take much,” Jason said. “I’m so close already. You know just how to touch me to make me shoot like a rocket.”
“What does it feel like?” Seth pressed.
“Like fireworks going off under my skin,” Jason gasped. “Like coming home. Making love with you will always feel like coming home. I’m ready, Seth. Fuck me now?”