Authors: Ariel Tachna
“I know that,” Seth said, “but the problem never was sleeping next to you. It’s not even the sex. I mean, I still don’t know what I’m doing, but I’m not afraid of it. If I do something wrong, you’ll tell me what to do instead.”
“So what is the problem?” Jason asked gently. Seth felt his defenses rise, but Jason wasn’t being nasty. He wanted to know so he could help. If only answering didn’t make Seth feel so vulnerable.
“Everybody leaves,” he said finally. “And I don’t know how to believe it will be different this time.”
“I know I’m not going to leave you,” Jason said, “but the only way I can prove that to you is by doing it.”
“Which is why I said you should move in with me,” Seth said. “Maybe I don’t know how to believe it now, but I won’t know how any better a week or a month or a year from now. Having you here with me is better than having you somewhere else.”
“Then I’d better start packing,” Jason said. “Because there’s nowhere I’d rather be.”
“You want a hand?” Seth asked, his heart still pounding. He’d expected the conversation to be harder for some reason, and the unexpected simplicity of it left him unsure about what came next.
“I don’t have much in the bunkhouse, but it’ll be faster with two sets of hands,” Jason replied. “If you don’t mind listening to a second set of bullshit.”
“What are they going to say that isn’t true?” Seth asked. “I don’t know most of them anyway. I don’t care what they think.” And Jason had picked him over the only one Seth really knew anything about, so anything Cooper said would just be sour grapes.
They walked over to the bunkhouse, close enough that their hands brushed at times but without actually holding hands. Jason’s room was the first room off the communal living area, but that meant they still had to walk through all the gathered jackaroos to get to it.
“Well, well, look who’s back,” one of the jackaroos called. “Thought we’d seen the last of you.”
“I went down to help out with the machinery on Taylor Peak,” Seth said. “It was easier to stay for a few days and get it all done than drive back and forth.”
“Yeah?” the jackaroo said. “How’d you get those bruises on your face, then?”
“Stopping an idiot from running his mouth,” Seth replied. “I can show you if you’d like.”
“Seth,” Jason said in quiet warning as he put his hand on Seth’s arm. Seth longed to shake it off and have a go at this drongo like he’d done with the last one, but he didn’t need a reputation as a brawler.
“Let’s get your things and get out of here,” he said to Jason. Jason led him through the common area to his room. Seth looked around at the few personal items Jason had on the dresser.
“If you’ll pack my books, I’ll get my clothes and we can get out of here,” Jason said, tossing Seth a duffel.
“I can do that,” Seth said as he gathered up the veterinary texts and piled them into the bag. It would be heavy, but he’d manage if it meant they only had to make one trip. He’d be perfectly happy never to set foot in the bunkhouse again. Jason was still packing his clothes when Seth finished, so he grabbed some of the garments from the drawer and started folding them.
“Going to help me with my laundry now?” Jason teased.
“I figure they’re all going in the same hamper for the wash,” Seth said with a casual shrug that belied how his heartbeat picked up at the thought. “Might as well get used to it now.”
“I like the sound of that,” Jason said. “I remember being little and Dad coming in complaining because one of Mum’s things had ended up tangled in his shorts. Are you going to be upset if I end up wearing your underwear by mistake one day?”
“I’ve seen your underwear,” Seth joked back to hide how much he wanted exactly what Jason described. The image of Jason in Seth’s boxers instead of the tight boxer briefs he usually wore sent need curling through his system. “If you wear mine, it won’t be by mistake.”
“You try spending the day in the saddle with boxers chafing at the insides of your thighs and see how long it takes you to switch to something else,” Jason replied easily.
Seth owned three pairs of regular briefs for exactly that reason. He didn’t spend much time on horseback, since he spent most of his days working on equipment, but he’d learned his lesson when Jason was teaching him to ride. Deciding he didn’t gain anything by sharing that memory with Jason, he went back to folding clothes and handing them to Jason to go in his bag.
They got everything packed and headed back through the common area. Seth diligently ignored the jackaroos who’d gathered while they were in Jason’s room, although he noticed Cooper was nowhere in sight. In his more generous moments, he felt sorry for the other jackaroo, but he couldn’t regret being the one Jason picked.
He set the duffel he was carrying down as soon as they got in their new house. His throat felt tight and he had to take a few deep breaths to steady himself. He’d asked for this, dammit. He wasn’t going to have a panic attack the minute Jason accepted. Jason came up beside him and wrapped his arms around Seth’s neck, and just like that, he could breathe again.
“You okay?” Jason asked.
“Probably not,” Seth admitted, “but you make it better just by being here.”
“Do I need to go back to the bunkhouse?” Jason asked.
“No!” Seth exclaimed. He took a deep breath, trying to calm his racing thoughts. “No, please stay. I want you here. Really. I just have to get used to it.”
“Then I’ll stay.” Jason nuzzled Seth’s neck. “We don’t have to unpack tonight if you don’t want to, but we should get the bags out of the doorway at least. We don’t want to trip over them in the morning.”
“They’d be a good warning if anyone tried to come in,” Seth replied.
“Who’s going to try to come into our house in the middle of the night?” Jason asked. “You’ve lived in the city too long. I bet the door doesn’t even have a lock.”
And hadn’t that taken some getting used to when he first moved to Lang Downs? Caine’s office door had a lock, not that Seth had ever seen it closed, much less locked, but that was probably the only lock on the entire station.
“I guess Polly would warn us if anyone came visiting,” Seth said. “I didn’t see her after dinner.”
“She’s around,” Jason said. “She’s probably chasing squirrels or something. She never catches them, but that doesn’t stop her from trying. She’ll wander home when she’s ready.”
Seth couldn’t have been as sanguine about it if he owned a dog of his own. That was one of the reasons he’d never adopted any of the puppies occasionally on offer at the station. They were working dogs, not pets. He knew that, but the thought of making that kind of attachment and then letting the dog wander at will, to get tangled up with who knows what out in the tablelands, froze him all the way through.
He hefted the bag again and headed back toward the bedroom. Jason might not want all his books in the bedroom now that they had space to spread out, but they could worry about that another night. For now, he could stash the bag in a corner, and they could figure out how to share space in the bedroom.
He set the bag down and started for his own gear, but Jason caught him. “How about we leave all of that for tomorrow? It’s been a long day and all I really want to do right now is curl up in bed with you and sleep. We can get clothes out of our bags as easily as out of drawers in the morning.”
Relief flooded through Seth. He knew a cop-out when he took one, but he was already on edge. He could handle curling up and sleeping with Jason. It was everything else he didn’t know how to handle right now. It might not be any better in the morning, but at least he’d have a night’s sleep in Jason’s arms to help prepare him for it.
“As long as you don’t accuse me of being a slob because of it.” He backed Jason toward the bed.
Jason tickled his ribs lightly. Seth winced a little when Jason’s fingers hit a bruise, but he kept moving them toward the bed.
“I do want to brush my teeth before bed,” Jason said. “Hold that thought and I’ll be right with you.”
Seth let Jason grab his toiletries and head to the bathroom. While he was gone, Seth gathered his own toiletries. As he pulled everything out, he spied his razor at the bottom of the bag. He couldn’t leave it there—he’d need to shave in the morning—but Jason would be back in a minute, and the memory of the last time Jason had seen Seth with the razor in hand still haunted him. He didn’t want a repeat when things were finally going his way. He grabbed it and stuck it in the middle of the rest of stuff. That way if Jason saw it, it would be clear Seth was just carrying it to the bathroom, not contemplating using it.
“Bathroom’s all yours,” Jason said as he came back into the room. Seth nearly jumped out of his skin. “Seth?”
“I’m just putting it away,” Seth blurted. “I’m not going to cut myself.”
“I know you aren’t,” Jason said. “You promised me you wouldn’t, but you do have to shave, so you should put it in the bathroom where it belongs.”
Seth nodded and walked down the hall to the bathroom. His skin felt thin, like he was going to shake apart any second, just shatter into pieces like a dropped glass. He set his toothbrush and toothpaste on the sink and tossed his shampoo in the tub. He set the razor next to his toothbrush, but it stared at him accusingly until he grabbed it and stuffed it in a drawer. He couldn’t look at it. It represented everything he had to leave behind him if he wanted this relationship with Jason to work. Next time someone went to Boorowa, he’d have them buy some disposable razors for him. Then he could toss this one in the trash and never have to be tempted again.
If only that would solve his problem.
He brushed his teeth quickly so Jason wouldn’t worry about what was taking him so long and then hurried back to the bedroom. Everything would be better once he had Jason’s arms around him again. Jason was already lying on the bed in just his boxer briefs, such a welcoming smile on his face that Seth’s fears melted like snow in the January sun.
Seth stripped off his shirt and joined Jason on the bed.
“You aren’t really going to sleep in dungarees, are you?” Jason teased.
Seth shook his head, but the scab on his thigh taunted him. Things were going so well. He didn’t want Jason to see it and remember what a fuckup Seth was. If he turned the light off first….
He reached for the lamp, but Jason stopped him. “Not yet. We can turn it off when we’re ready to sleep, but I want to lie here and kiss you for a while first, and it’s even better when I can see your face.”
Seth rolled back to face Jason, keenly aware of being alone with him in the house. Chris and Jesse weren’t asleep down the hall. They weren’t in the bunkhouse with jackaroos on the other side of the wall. It was just the two of them.
Before his thoughts could derail further, Jason leaned in and kissed him tenderly. Seth relaxed into the kiss. He could do this. He could lie here and kiss Jason. They’d done that already, even if they weren’t alone in the house when they’d done it.
“Stop thinking,” Jason whispered against his lips. “I’m going to wonder if you aren’t as caught up in this as I am.”
That was the problem. He was too caught up in their relationship, to the point that he couldn’t think about anything else. He pushed his worries out of the way and concentrated on Jason—on the scratch of his stubble, on the warmth of his bare chest against Seth’s own, on the overpowering feeling of rightness.
Jason twined his fingers into Seth’s hair and scooted closer. Not sure what else to do with his hands, Seth wriggled one beneath Jason’s shoulder and draped the other around his waist. Jason hummed into the kiss and adjusted so Seth’s arm lay in a more comfortable position.
The deep, lazy kisses lulled Seth into a sense of security. They weren’t rushing toward anything like they had the couple of nights on the phone. They were just enjoying each other. He ran his hands over Jason’s back, feeling the broad muscles of his shoulders and lats flex beneath his touch. Jason reciprocated the caress with one hand, never stopping the drugging kisses that stole Seth’s wits along with his breath. He would be happy never to leave their bed if Jason kept kissing him like this. Jason angled his other hand between them and smoothed it over Seth’s chest. Memories of everything Jason had promised to do to him when they were alone and in bed together swamped him. He shifted a little to give Jason better access. Seth wouldn’t push, but he certainly wouldn’t say no if Jason wanted more.
Jason pulled away from Seth’s mouth despite his moan of protest, to press openmouthed kisses along his jaw and down his neck. Seth rocked his hips, seeking friction, but Jason stilled them with a gentle touch.
“We did that already,” he said. “We’re not rushing tonight. We’re just exploring. You could take your jeans off, though. We’d both be more comfortable without them.”
Seth shimmied out of his dungarees but left his boxers on. Jason was still that dressed too. He kicked his feet free and sent the garment flying. When he rolled back into Jason’s embrace, he groaned as their bare legs brushed. Why had he not wanted to get undressed before?
Jason snuggled in close again. Seth’s skin tingled everywhere they touched. He got his arms back around Jason and held on tight—not that Jason was trying to get away. If anything, he was trying to get closer. That was fine with Seth. Jason could crawl right inside Seth’s skin and stay there.
“Love you,” Jason murmured against Seth’s shoulder.
Seth spread his hands wide across Jason’s lower back, trying to touch as much skin as he could to ground himself in the moment, this wonderful, powerful, intimate moment that had everything to do with them and nothing at all to do with sex for all that they were mostly naked together.
His fingers brushed the waistband of Jason’s briefs.
“Hold on,” Jason said. He rolled to his back and stripped off his underwear before rolling back into Seth’s arms. “There. Unrestricted access.”
Seth’s hand had moved to Jason’s arse before he could formulate the desire to touch. He squeezed the hard muscle and then spread his palm over as much of the silky skin as he could reach. He didn’t need more than that. He just needed to touch.