Choice Theory (26 page)

“I need each of you to give me a short answer to this question.
Please don’t go on at length, or I will have to interrupt you and I hate to be seen as impolite. Just a sentence or two will be enough.
I want each of you to tell me what you believe is wrong with the marriage.
To avoid arguing over who goes first, I will ask one of you to respond and then the other. Karen, you called, so please go first.”

“It’s him, he’s what’s wrong. It’s like being married to Ebenezer Scrooge. He watches every cent I spend. I work, but it’s all his money. You can’t believe what I have to put up with. He makes me—”

I tried to interrupt but, before I could, Ed jumped in, “Me. I’m what’s wrong? If you didn’t spend every goddamned cent we have. Doctor, we’re up to the max on all our cards. We’re paying a fortune in interest we can’t deduct.”

“See, Doctor, see what I have to put up with all day long.”

“Look, please, we have to stick to the rules. Just answer the question, no arguing or pointing fingers. Ed, what do you think is wrong.”

“I’ll tell you. Doctor. I hate to say this, but I don’t think she loves me anymore. All she does is complain. Calls me a tightwad. It’s got to the point where I don’t know what to do that will satisfy her—”

Again before I could say anything, Karen jumped in, “Oh, he’s right about that; he doesn’t know what to do that will satisfy me. Him talking about love, that’s the joke of the century. He treats our dog better than he treats me. That dog—”

This time I was able to get in a word before she could go further, “If you just keep fighting and sniping at each other, I can’t help you. Please don’t do here what you have been doing at home. It hasn’t helped there, and it won’t help here. You’ve answered my questions very well; I get the picture. This is a critical time in your marriage. Please try to follow my directions and let me try to help you.”

You can see that external control psychology was in full flower. As I expected, they didn’t listen to my request for a brief answer and jumped in, blaming each other and trying to get me to
take their side. But I was not worried. I could get this situation under control if I didn’t make the mistake of appearing interested in their sniping. Also, while it may seem as if they were doing badly, actually I’ve heard a lot worse in the first few minutes. I thought that they did care for each other and that I could help. The next question was not difficult, and it got them started in the right direction, beginning to accept that they could control only their own behavior.

“Tell me, whose behavior can you control?”

I used this question to attempt to get them out of their habit of focusing on the other person instead of on themselves. It took a while, and then Karen spoke. They were already into it, so I no longer had to worry about whose turn it was. To be fair, I directed question 4 to Ed, but I also wanted to hear what Karen had to say.

“I guess it’s pretty clear I can’t control his behavior. But God knows he’s tried to control mine.”

I said, “Has he succeeded?”

“He’s succeeded in making me miserable and wrecking our marriage.”

Ed spoke up, “C’mon Karen. If I could control your goddamned spending, we wouldn’t be here.”

I started to end it by saying, “OK, I think it’s pretty clear that you’ve tried but you haven’t been able to control the other. It may be redundant, but please tell me, who is the only person you can control.”

Ed confirmed what I said, and Karen seemed satisfied. He said, “I think what you’re driving at is we can only control ourselves. I know about that; I tell the salesmen who work for me that all the time.”

This seemed to settle them down. They were quiet and were waiting for request 4, which is crucial in directed counseling. If they could deal well with this totally unexpected request, it might change the whole mood and help them settle down further.

“OK, Ed, it’s your turn. This is the most important question I am going to ask. Take your time and think about it. I want each
of you to tell me something good about your marriage right now. There has to be something good, or there is little hope. If there weren’t, you wouldn’t be here; you’d have gone to see a lawyer.”

As I expected, request 4 floored each of them temporarily. They looked at each other and then at me. This is the request that had the potential to get them away from all the blaming and complaining. If I allowed them to stick with the negative, I’d help kill what little they still had that was positive. In my experience, once couples start thinking positively, they find there is more good than they realize. Even though I asked Ed, Karen jumped right in.

“This isn’t at all what I expected. I came here to tell you what’s really wrong with our marriage. I didn’t expect you to shut me up. What kind of counseling is this anyway?”

“It’s the way I counsel. Give it a chance. Don’t waste your time and money asking me to take sides. I’m not interested in whose fault it is. You’d never agree on that in a million years. Please Ed, take your time but answer the question. What’s good about your marriage right now?”

“That’s a hard one. I can’t think of anything that’s good.”

“Go ahead, try, there must be something good.”

There is always a little impasse here. He knew more than one good thing but thought that to admit it wouldn’t be cool. I decided to be patient and supportive. He would come up with something. She was thinking, too. I could see that she was very interested in what he might say.

“OK, I’ll say this for her. She’s loyal. When I hear her sister tell her I’m a jerk she doesn’t agree. I like that a lot. I just wish she’d do more than tell it to her sister, tell it to me once in a while.”

Karen liked this, but still she burst in, “Of course, I support you to my sister. Compared to the goofball she’s married to, you are pretty good. But you’re going to have to be a lot better if you want me to tell you that.”

“Please Karen, Ed did his part. Now it’s your turn. Tell me what’s good about the marriage right now. It’s important that you say something; take your time.”

She had something in mind, but I could see that she hated to
say it. It was as if by saying it, she’d be more vulnerable, as if it was almost wrong to say there was something good about the marriage. But she wanted to. I could see her softening. This question was getting to her.

“Look, it’s like I’m married to two men. Most of the time he’s Mr. Hyde. Criticizing all I do. Complaining—”

I interrupted, “We know about Mr. Hyde. Tell me about Dr. Jekyll?”

“It’s when we go on vacation. He takes three weeks, we plan it together, and he’s great. It’s usually two weeks with the kids and then one week by ourselves. But that’s what pisses me off. Why is that all there is that’s good? I’m not willing to settle for a three-weeks-a-year marriage. It’s been eight months since that week in Hawaii.”

Ed broke in, “For Chrissake, Karen. Hawaii was good because you couldn’t find anything to buy except that fucking muumuu you never wear. If you’d stop your compulsive shopping, we’d get along great.”

“If you’d pay attention to me the way you do on vacation, I wouldn’t shop so much.”

So far so good. It sounded bad, but they could both see that there was some substance in the marriage. This last exchange was positive even if they were still into blaming. I followed up with a little confirmation of the fact there was some good in the marriage.

“See Karen, there are some good things. Believe me, I counsel people who don’t have one good day a year in their marriages, let alone three weeks. It’s not enough, but it shows that you and Ed can get along. All we have to do is figure out how to get more. No, no, please don’t say anything right now. Let’s go on to another question. It’s another hard one, but if you can concentrate, I think you can come up with something.”

I was being very supportive, and their thinking was starting to turn around. They could see what I was doing. It was obvious, but it was grabbing them and it seemed to be what they wanted. I decided to be very patient with the next question. I projected a
kind supportiveness, sending them the message that answering this request might take a while, but they could do it.

“I’d like you to take your time and be very serious. Please no snide remarks. Think of something that you are willing to do this week that you believe will help the marriage. This is for each of you to do on your own. Not for the other guy to do.”

There was a long pause during which each looked sheepishly at the other. I could see a little affection in their eyes, a very positive sign.

Ed said, “I can go a whole week and not mention money once. I may as well, I can’t stop her from spending it anyway.”

A good comment spoiled a little by the last dig he threw at her. But it didn’t seem to bother her. I guessed that she was past the point where digs even registered.

She responded, “I’d like that Ed, I really would. But who’re you kidding? You’ll be all over the bills as soon as they come in.”

“Why don’t you stop putting me down and wait and see. What I want to hear is what you’re going to do.”

There was a very long pause. I could see that Karen was struggling with something that she wanted to say but she had a hard time getting it out.

Finally, in a kind of coy way, she said, “I could be a little more affectionate.”

As soon as she said these unspoken-since-who-knows-when words, I could see that Ed was pleased. I think she was expecting some sort of wisecrack like, “It’s about time,” but Ed just continued to look pleased. I didn’t ask how long it had been since they had sex, much less made love, but my guess was that it might have been in Hawaii eight months before. I now wanted to bring up the last request. If they would agree to do it, it would give me a way to segue into mentioning the solving circle.

“I wonder, now that you are thinking this way, if during the week, one or both of you could figure out another thing you might do to improve the marriage—kind of a homework assignment—and then next week when you come in, tell me about it. During the week, each of you do something more than what you
just said would help the marriage. If you are able to do so, next week is the last time I’ll want to see you for a month unless you want to see me. But look, we’ve got a few more minutes. Do you have any questions or comments?”

If a marriage needs extended counseling, I don’t think it can be saved. Marital problems are not individual problems. Most of the couples I’ve counseled are like Ed and Karen, individually competent. What they can’t figure out is how to get along with each other. But here, in this brief time, Ed and Karen actually entered the solving circle, and I wanted to explain it to them before they left. I thought they would be able to use this information, and by the following week, we would know.

Ed had a comment, “I feel better. I came prepared to fight, but I guess I really don’t want to fight anymore. What do you think, Karen?”

“It’s weird. It’s not at all what I expected. I’m not sure what happened, but I feel better, too.”

What happened was that these two supposedly confirmed external control psychology partners had encountered choice theory, but I didn’t explain it to them then. I could begin that next week. But as long as they were in this receptive mood and essentially in the solving circle, this was a good opportunity to explain the solving circle to them. If they could use it in the coming week, they would definitely make progress.

“Karen, I’d like to delay answering your question until next week. But here’s part of what happened. Look, I have a big piece of imaginary chalk in my hand and watch what I do with it. I am drawing a circle on the floor around you and Ed. There you are, in the solving circle. Tell me, what do you think the solving circle is? It has to do with what you are both feeling and that you don’t feel like fighting right now.”

Karen said, “That’s what’s so weird; it’s like Ed said, I don’t feel like fighting anymore. And that’s all I’ve felt like for so long. But what does this imaginary chalk line have to do with it?”

Ed ventured a guess, “We’re not fighting. I don’t even feel like fighting—”

Karen finished the sentence, “We’re solving something, is that it?”

“That’s part of it. But it’s more. In the circle, the marriage takes precedence over what each of you wants. Right now you’re in it. Were you in it when you came here?”

Karen said, “It’s like that guy wrote about Venus and Mars. I don’t even think we were on the same planet when we came in here.”

Ed nodded in agreement.

I said, “That’s right. Not only don’t you fight as long as you’re in the circle, it’s safe to talk about what you want from the marriage without worrying that you’re going to be put down. But, of course, in the circle, it’s up to you to add to the marriage, not wait for the other person. All you do in this circle is what we’ve started to do here. There are no shoulds and musts in the solving circle. No you-do-its. Only I’ll-do-its. If you get into the circle whenever you talk about anything to do with your marriage, you’ll be fine. Here, I’ll give both of you a piece of this imaginary chalk; use it. And one last question, whose behavior can you control?”

Ed and Karen came back in a week and had a lot to say. Things were better. I had no illusion that money was their only problem. I’m not sure there is an only problem. In a failing relationship, everything’s the problem. The beauty of the solving circle is not that it’s good for this or that problem, but that it’s a powerful tool that any couple can use at any time. But when a problem comes up, don’t take for granted you’re in the circle because you have been getting along. Get out the chalk and actually go through the motions of drawing it every time you want to use it. Don’t say anything until you have drawn the circle and are inside. This is a purposeful and focused activity.

When Karen and Ed came in, they told me they thought the solving circle was a gimmick, anything that simple could not possibly work. But when they tried it and it worked, they found themselves using it more and more and were surprised at how effective
it was. They asked me to tell them what was going on. This request gave me the opening that I wanted to begin to explain choice theory to them. I gave them a copy of my 1995 relationship book,
Staying Together.
^*
It explains how any couple can apply choice theory to a relationship.