Choice Theory (28 page)

“The way I look at it, stress is very simple. It occurs when something in your life is not the way you want it to be. From my experience, it is most often attached to an unsatisfying relationship.
Is there anyone in particular who isn’t doing what you would like him or her to do?”

“Well, for years it was my husband, but four years ago I had the sense to call that marriage quits, so it’s not him. I’m very happy with all the people I work with. I had a lousy boss for five years and he drove me up the wall, but my new boss is a doll. If I was going to have stress headaches, I should have had them then. I got rid of that boss and my husband the same year. I sure felt better after that, but these headaches are new, really only for this past year.”

“Do you have any children at home, teenagers?”

“Yes, Samantha; she’s sixteen going on seventeen, and she’s a handful.”

“Girls that age can be. How do you and she get along most of the time?”

“Frankly, it’s got to the point where I can’t stand the sight of her. She’s the most irritating, nasty-mouthed human being I’ve ever encountered in my life. I’m sick of her.”

“I think she’s worth talking about. Tell me a little more about what’s going on with her?”

“Well, she never does anything I tell her. And when I complain about it, she just rolls her eyes and gives me the silent treatment. She spends most of her time in her room with the door locked on the phone or listening to that music. Thank God, it’s a solid door, but the vibrations shake the house.”

It’s Samantha, but what makes it so hard is that Samantha, for all Linda’s protests, is still in Linda’s quality world and Linda is in hers. Linda didn’t get the headaches with the husband or the lousy boss because she was able to take them out. No such luck with Samantha; she’s in it for good. And because Samantha is there, Linda hesitated to tell me about her. I had to probe a little more than what I’ve written here.

“I’m pretty sure that Samantha may be the problem. Are you willing to talk about your relationship with her?”

“Yes, I’ve got to talk to someone. Do you think you could help me with her? I’d about gotten to the point where I thought it was
hopeless. It’s only two more years before she goes away to college. Thank God, she’s doing well enough in school for that.”

“I don’t think you’re going to be able to last another year like this, and I’m sure I can help you. But I need you to tell me something more specific. It’s more than her locking her door and talking on the phone. You could live with that. It’s got to be something else, something that brings you more in contact with her and that goes on all the time that you feel is driving you up the wall.”

“OK, I’m a fastidious person. I work in a bank where everything has to be just right. I’m damn good at my job, and I make a pretty good salary. And I’m sure you can guess the rest. “

“Maybe I could, but it will save time if you tell me.”

“I come home from work and I like to have a clean kitchen before I start to get dinner together. All I ask is that she cleans up the kitchen before I get home at five thirty. That’s all; it’s not that much—ten, twelve minutes—is that too much to ask? I don’t mind making dinner; I even set the table because I like it done right. She helps me wash up after dinner, but it’s that dirty kitchen, just a few dishes from breakfast and a few things from snacks the night before and after school. She starts snacking as soon as she gets home; it’s almost all her mess. I see it when I walk in the door, every goddamned day. Pardon my French, but it drives me crazy.”

“That doesn’t sound like much to ask. I can’t understand why you’re having so much trouble with her over this.”

“Well, she used to do it, but she was so sloppy I had to do it over myself. I kept telling her, ‘If you can’t do it right, don’t do it at all,’ and about two months ago she just stopped. When I come in, she doesn’t say anything but she gives me that
It’s your house, if you don’t like the way I do it, do it yourself
look. See, that’s what I have to put up with, her horrible attitude. It’s awful.”

“Tell me, what do you do or say when you come in after work and see the kitchen’s a mess? I gather it’s been the same for months.”

“Before I even come in the door I start to tense up.”

“And your head, does it start to hurt?”

“Not right away, but I know I’m in for one later on. When I
walk in, I get so angry seeing her lounging on the sofa watching her soaps. She has them all recorded. She can do that, but she can’t help me. I think I’m beginning to hate my own daughter.”

The angering when she comes home prevents the headaches. The headaches come a little later when she realizes that the angering doesn’t work, and they prevent her from increasing the angering into rage and violence. The headaches also prevent her from depressing, which would have an adverse affect on the best part of her life, her work.

“Before that, when she was younger, did you get along pretty well with her then?”

“Pretty well, except there was a little trouble when her father left us. She was twelve. He never disciplined her; whatever his darling daughter did and still does is fine with him. I think he enjoys seeing me so frustrated. But I’ve got to give her some credit. During the divorce, she was a great support to me. Once she saw him for what he was, she took my side and still does.”

“Does she see him very often?”

“Every couple of weeks he picks her up and takes her out to eat. The only good thing I’ll still say about her is she won’t go to his house. She hates the woman he’s living with.”

“I don’t think what’s going on has anything to do with her father. I’d like you to tell me what you do when you come in and see her on the sofa watching the soaps. This is important, tell me exactly.”

“She’s got to learn to be responsible. I know what I’m talking about. I’m successful because I’m a very responsible person. I’ve got to teach her some responsibility; it’s my job as her mother. God knows she’ll never learn it from her father.”

“So?”

“I yell at her. I threaten her, I’ve grounded her, I’ve cut her allowance.”

“All over a few dishes?”

“No, it’s not just the dishes. Like I told you, it’s her nasty attitude. The world owes her a living. It’s all about her, nothing for me. The dishes are just a symptom but they’re a goddamned annoying
symptom. But last week the worst happened. I got so furious with her nasty mouth that I slapped her in the face. And you know what she did? She slapped me back. OK, she said she was sorry and we cried and hugged, but it was awful. She hasn’t really spoken to me since. Her hugging me, it was as if she felt sorry for me, can you believe that? That night I had the worst headache I’ve had yet.”

This account confirms what I suspected: Linda is close to rage and violence. She needs the headaches to keep any semblance of control. This is serious, but there’s a lot of hope. Samantha wants to get close to her mother, that was obvious in what her mother said, “It’s as if she feels sorry for me.” But Samantha doesn’t know what to do. Linda’s doing everything wrong and thinks she is doing everything right. The third belief of external control psychology,
It’s my obligation as a mother to do what I’m doing,
is driving her behavior. But the slapping, she knows that was wrong. I’ll deal with that.

“That slapping bit, it sounds like you don’t want to do it again, do you?”

“No, it was frightening, I was out of control. I guess I do need help. Can you help me?”

“Are you willing to listen very seriously to me? I am going to ask you to do something that you’re going to find very hard to do.”

“What?”

“If nothing you do when you get home seems to work, I’d like to make a suggestion. Stop doing it, just stop.”

“What do you mean just stop? She’s the problem, not me.”

“She’s not the problem, and you’re not the problem. The problem is your relationship. Do you understand what I’m trying to tell you?”

“But if she’d just clean up the kitchen, we’d have a good relationship. That’s all I ask.”

She’s having trouble with the relationship concept, but I’ll keep working on it.

“OK, fine. What do you think she’d say if she was here and I
asked her what was wrong with your relationship? She’s not happy with it either.”

“She’d say I should get off her back. She says that almost every day. But I can’t get off her back; I’m not a stranger, I’m her mother. “

“When you work, have you ever had a good customer who was a grade A pain in the neck?”

“What has this got to do with me and my daughter?”

“Well Samantha’s a grade A pain in the neck, isn’t she?”

When I counsel, I often try to show that being right is not very effective if you don’t have the power. Linda doesn’t have power over her daughter, but she thinks she has. She knows she doesn’t have power over a good customer. That’s a difference that may make sense to her.

“What do you do with a customer who’s a big pain?”

“The customer is important.”

“Is he more important than your daughter?”

“My God, my God, what am I saying, that girl is all I have.…”

Linda burst into tears. Most people get kind of a jolt when they realize that the psychology they have been using for years is destroying an important relationship, and that comparison with the customer gave her a jolt. These tears have been a long time coming. They are better than the headaches. That crying is going to do a lot for her headaches.

“When you go home today and step into the room with her, pretend she isn’t your daughter; pretend she’s a good friend and the kitchen is clean. What would you like to do?”

“I’d like to pour myself a glass of chardonnay, sit down with her and watch the TV. And as Samantha would say, chill out. “

“Could you do this today with Samantha?”

“I can’t. She …”

“Why can’t you?”

“Of course I can, but she’s going to think I’ve lost my mind.”

“So what? I’m sure she’s been hoping for a long time that you’d lose your mind. Today is a good day to do it. The mind you’ve been
holding onto hasn’t seemed to have done you much good with her. C’mon Linda, you know what I’m talking about. Part of you has known it for months. Just sit down quietly beside her—no yelling, no criticizing, no complaining—and relax with her.”

“How long am I supposed to do this?”

“Could you do it for three days?”

“And just let the dishes go?”

“No, no, you won’t let them go; you’ll get up and do them just like you always do, but you won’t have gone through all you go through now. The house will be quiet, she’ll be quiet, you’ll be quiet.”

“Am I supposed to do this for two years until she leaves home?”

“No, I just said for three days.”

“Then what?”

“I don’t know. What might you say to her if you and she were sitting quietly together that might be better than what you’ve been saying?”

“Well, I guess I could ask her how her day went, try to be a little more friendly.”

“What if she asks you why you’ve stopped yelling. What will you tell her? Better yet, what would you like to tell her?”

“I’d like to tell her I’ve screamed my last scream.”

“Would you be willing to tell her that if she doesn’t ask?”

“I’d like to tell her it hasn’t worked and I’m going to stop doing it forever. But I don’t think I’ll be able to do that.”

“How about for three days?”

“OK, I can handle three days.”

“After watching TV for half an hour with her, get up and tell her, ‘I’m going to get dinner.’ Don’t ask her to help. Do the dishes and then start dinner.”

“But that’s not fair. I do all the work, and she does nothing. What do I get out of it?”

“If life was fair, there’d be no need for counselors. I’m sorry, that’s a good question, What do you get out of it? Let me put the question this way, What do you really want with your daughter?”

“I want us to be like we were a few years ago; we were best friends.”

“Look, you are a very intelligent woman, and you do a hard job well. I don’t think the dishes are what you’re really worried about. They are an aggravation, but you’re really worried about something a lot more important than dishes.”

“She never tells me anything. She stays in her room, talking on the phone to that boy.…”

“She has a boyfriend? Are you worried about what she may be doing or thinking of doing with him?”

“I’m worried sick about it.”

“Would you be less worried if you were getting along better with her than you are now?”

“Of course. But I’d still be worried.”

“Let’s get back to the dishes. What if tomorrow or the next day she got up when you got up and helped you? She may, especially if you do what you say you are going to do for three days.”

“What if she doesn’t?”

“During the three days you’re quiet on the sofa with her watching TV, are you willing to do what we talked about a little while ago, tell her you’re through yelling for good? I don’t think you’re stalled on the screaming road.”

“If you believe it’ll make a difference, I’ll tell her.”

“If it were you with your mother, do you think it would have made a difference with you? Were you totally different with your mother than your daughter is with you?”

“No, my mother says I got the daughter I deserve. But you’re right, it would’ve made a difference with me.”

“If she doesn’t make a move to help you, let things go until the fourth day and then say, ‘Samantha, how about giving me a hand in the kitchen and then I’ll make dinner.’ If she doesn’t come, don’t say anything. Don’t say anything for a week. But I think she’ll come if you say it in a nice way. Nothing like, ‘You should have done this without my asking’ or ‘It’s about time.’ You know what I mean, the way you talk to good customers at the bank, friendly, no pressure.”

“It’s the relationship, isn’t it?”

It takes people like Linda a while to realize how important the relationship really is. I’ll have to keep finding ways to remind her.

“That’s all you’ve got going for you, but it’s a lot. She’s desperate to get close to you. Give her a chance; give her some time.”

“She hasn’t acted like she wants to get close to me. The way she’s been, it seems just the opposite.”