Choices (19 page)

              “I do. But let’s not talk about that right now. Are you okay? I know you wanted to be alone, but I wanted to make sure you were okay.” I pull back, watching his face change and see the sincerity in his blue eyes.

             
“No, I’m glad you did. I was kind of hoping you’d follow me. I’m so embarrassed.” I lean into him again, craving the taste of his lips on mine. As if sensing my desire, he bends down and brushes over my mouth ever so lightly. It’s enough to send my limbs in frenzy. When Carter tries to pull away, I grip the back of his neck with eager hands. The response is immediate as if he was waiting for permission. Our kiss is passionate, lingering for a few minutes. Carter pulls back and studies me, concerned. I suddenly realize when he wipes my eyes that I had been crying. He’s quiet but attentive. I wipe my tears hastily with the back of my hand, as we silently start walking.

             
“So, crazy night huh? Just when I thought my life couldn’t get more chaotic, another bomb drops on my head.” Hysteria fills my voice. We’re hand in hand which is the only thing helping my nerves.

             
“Uh yeah. If you mean my estranged cousin showing up unexpectedly after not seeing him for years who happens to be the father of my girlfriend’s baby, then yeah I’ll say it’s been one hell of a night.” Carter runs his free hand through his now messy hair, which looks hella sexy. I want to ask what happened between them but keep silent, knowing if and when he is ready; he’ll tell me on his own.

             
As we’re walking, our hands swing back and forth. The grass crunches beneath our feet we’re trekking through as the park nears the corner.

             
“It’s like déjà vu.” I glance at Carter questioningly. “Well, last time we came here there was some tension between us. Only now we have a whole new batch of shit to dig through.” He clarifies. I nod, confirming his assessment. I stalk towards the swing and Carter is leaning over me, smiling while both of his hands grip the chain. He gently pushes me but doesn’t let go.

             
“I’m sorry for my attitude that night.” He stops pushing me; his stare is intense but filled with an emotion I can’t read. He tucks my hair behind my ear. I shiver and even though it has nothing to do with the chill in the open air, he takes off his jacket and wraps it around my shoulders.

             
“Thank you.” I mumble.

             
“I’m sorry I never told you he was my cousin. I wish I’d known.”

             
I tilt my head in surprise. “You couldn’t have known Carter. I never told you his name. And it wouldn’t have made a difference anyway.” I start thinking about our confrontation; feeling conflicted, especially since he asked me to go to California with him. I wish I was a psychic. Knowing the future now would make this easier. “It’s not your fault. I just don’t know why he never mentioned you.” I slide off the swing and sit on the gravel, picking at the rocks and playing with them between my fingers distractedly.

             
“He hates me.” Raising my eye brows, I ponder the idea of anyone hating Carter. He’s been nothing but kind and selfless with me.

             
I hug my knees to my chest and rest my head, against them. Carter plops down beside me, stretching his legs out in front of him. It’s silent and dark with the exception of a glow from the street lights surrounding us.  “Wanna talk about it?” I ask.

             
“It was a long time ago. But it seems like he’s never gotten over it.”

             
“He asked me to go to USC with him.” I blurt out before I can stop the words from popping out of my mouth. Tears prick the back of my eyes. Carter flinches like I slapped him. I want to slap myself. “I’m not sure why that just came out.”

             
“I’m not sure how to respond. That was unexpected.” I lean against him for comfort.

             
“Carter, I’m so sorry. I came here to get away from all that bull shit and now it’s consuming me. I mean he left me and now he waltzes in here asking me to take him back, like nothing ever happened. God damn, this is ridiculous. I’ve moved on and now my world is turned upside down.” Carter is quietly listening to me rant on and on about my ex, his cousin and I wish he would just shut me up and kiss me.

             
“Do you still love him?”
No, not this question
, I think. The air escapes my lungs and I can’t breathe. I should have seen that coming. I look away from him, avoiding eye contact.

             
“It’s complicated.” I reply to the ground, picking up a stick and twirling it between my fingers to create a diversion. It doesn’t work when his hand clamps down on mine. I chance a brief glimpse and see hurt in his eyes. We sit in silence, staring at each other as if our problems will magically disappear if we stare long enough. I wish they would. He moves to get up and I panic. I don’t want him to misunderstand me.

             
“Wait, please. Sit.” I plead, grabbing his hand. He hesitates for a minute but then he sits across from me still holding my hand. “I’m sorry. When you asked if I still loved him, I didn’t answer the right way. I mean yes it’s complicated but the thing is, a part of me will always love him. He was my first and no one forgets their first love. But I’m not in love with him anymore. To be honest, I am not sure if I ever really was. He never made me feel the way you make me feel. I think it was more of a comfortable and convenient type of thing. I’m struggling with these choices I have to make and torn between doing the right thing and doing what I want to do. My mind is telling me two different things.” Truthfully, there’s a battle going on inside of my head and it’s difficult to say which is winning the battle. I hold my belly, soothing the baby. If it could feel my nerves, it’s probably frantic and trying to find comfort and feel safe. I’m really ready to know the sex, calling the baby an “it” is making me ill.

Carter grabs my hand closest to him, rubbing my knuckles with his thumb. I close my eyes, allowing the sensation to erase all the pain and confusion. I open my eyes when he asks, “What does your heart say?”

Chapter 30

              A tear falls out of my closed eye, rolling down my cheek. Carter reaches up and swipes it away with his finger.

             
“Stay with me. Please, Carter.” I open my eyes and see his head down. I start to wonder if he’s crying, which would make me feel like a real asshole considering I put them there. When he looks up, I notice his cheeks moist. My heart sinks so low. I never wanted to hurt him, not for a minute. I’m just trying to figure out what’s right.

             
But what is really the right choice here? I want to be with Carter in the world’s worst way. But what if there’s a chance to be a family with Nick? Do I still want that? I always wanted that, at least I used to. Inside I’m screaming because no matter what I do, someone ultimately ends up getting hurt. And even though Nick is a jerk, he was still a part of my life for some years. I can’t just forget it all. I turn to see Carter rocking back and forth with his eyes closed and tears are now visible.
Dammi
t
!
I want to hug him and comfort him but something keeps me grounded in my place.

             
“I miss him, every day.” He finally whispers. I pause, letting the words sink in. I move closer to him and hold his hand for support.

             
“Who?” Maybe he will finally open up about what happened to his dad or what happened between him and Nick. I listen intently, trying to grasp his pain.

             
“My dad.” I let out a silent breath, bracing myself. He needs me. He’s hurting and he needs my comfort, my love. Even though I don’t know what he’s going through, I try my hardest to at least lend him a shoulder to cry on.

             
I squeeze his trembling hand and massage his knuckles soothingly. He looks in my eyes, the loss of his father weighing heavily on his shoulders.

             
“What happened?” He clears his throat, wiping his tears away.

             
“I’m sorry; it’s been awhile since I allowed myself to become vulnerable. I usually don’t cry in front of anyone. I’m so embarrassed.” He crosses his legs beneath him.

             
“No, please don’t apologize. You can’t keep your feelings bottled up inside. You need to let it out. I don’t want to hear any bull shit about men not capable of emotion. They are, they just prefer to act tough. I want to know that you’re not made of stone, it means you’re human.”

             
He snorts, leaning back on his hands. “I understand you feel that way. And yes, most men prefer to keep their emotions in check. Don’t ask me why, I guess we don’t want to appear weak. But then that’s a double standard because it’s like we’re calling women weak when they show emotion. Okay, some take it too far and use it to their advantage. But on the average, women are just as strong as men are in different ways.” He absently traces circles around the rocks with a stick. “I guess I should have seen it coming. Seeing Nick again brought back memories I’ve been trying to forget. The pain and regret I’ve lived with all these years was bound to crack me at some point.” I get up and dust myself off. Carter gazes up at me, hesitant.

“Where are you going?”

              “Come here.” I reach for his hand and pull him to his feet, not letting go of his warm hand. Approaching the merry go ‘round, Carter spins me around to face him. He tucks a strand of hair behind my ear. I’ll never get used to his subtle caresses that make every inch of my body tingle. For a minute I think he’s going to kiss me and he leans in but at the last minute he pulls back and lets out a frustrated sigh.

             
“You know I love you right?” I nod, unsure where this conversation is headed but afraid to speak. “I don’t want you making any decision that you might regret. If you want to be with me, then I’ll be here just as I have been. But if there is even the slightest doubt in your mind, please don’t lead me on. Don’t choose me because I’m here only to leave me later. I’ve been through enough shit in my life and I can’t go through much more. I’m trying to be a better person. I want you to want to choose me. But I also understand you have history with Nick.” His face turns bitter at his cousin’s name and he looks away to try and hide it. But I catch sight of it anyway. “I want to make you happy and be the best man for you. But I can’t do that if you don’t want it.”

             
“Carter, I do want you. I am only confused because on the one hand, Nick is the father and even though he left me, I have to let him be a part of it. But on the other hand, I know that is not right both because I don’t love him like that and it would only be living a lie. I just have a hard time hurting people I care about. But I promise you, I only want you. I would never hurt you or lead you on.”

             
“I just don’t want this to be a rebound thing because my feelings for you are real, even more real than I ever thought.” That kind of stung. I look at him in disbelief.

             
“You think my feelings were not real? Like what my mother said, you think the same thing? Really? That hurts Carter. It may seem like you were a “rebound” but for God’s sake, I never wanted to be involved with anyone in the first place. I didn’t want this complication added to the pile of shit I already have.” My voice raises an octave higher than intended but a part of me is annoyed and hurt. I can’t really blame him so much as blame my mother for putting those thoughts in his head.

             
“So don’t then. I’ll leave. I don’t want to burden you. I know I shouldn’t have just jumped right in and swept you up like some knight in shining armor they only talk about in my sister’s books, because those aren’t real. The real world is not that easy. We get hurt, we make mistakes and we move on. We live and we die, but we only have one life to live Gracie. One. So screw what I just said, I want you and I’m not going anywhere. My cousin had his chance and he left. I’m not leaving.”

             
I stood there not able to think, not sure how to respond. But I knew he was right. We only live once and we only get one chance to make the best of it. I look into his eyes and see the passion that mirrors my whole body.  I know he’s nothing like Nick but that’s what scares me. I’ve loved before but now I have the complication of a baby. Could this really work? “I’m scared Carter. I have so much going on in my head and I am so scared of failing. Of not being good enough for you. I am going to be a mother and that terrifies me to no end. But nothing scares me more than the feelings I have for you.”

             
“I’m scared too. I was never one to have a serious girlfriend or fall in love. My past kept me from wanting to deal with all that extra stuff. I liked playing the field too much but once I got back on the straight and narrow, my attitude changed. I saw my niece and how much joy she brings to my sister and I realized, I want that too someday.” He took my hand and placed it over his heart with his. “But Gracie someday is here. Now. I’m not proposing to you or anything. I just want you to know, I’ve found the one for me…in you.” He kisses me briefly and pulls back to look at my tear stained face. I smile at him and in that moment, I know I’ve found the one for me too. I kiss him once more and then guide him to the merry go ‘round. We lay down across, side by side. Carter is on his back and I lie sideways, propped up on my elbows just inches from his body. I trace shapes over his stomach, causing his body to squirm. I smile to myself at the affect I have on him. He uses his arms as a pillow to rest his head against the hard surface of the ride. I get a good peek at his strong jaw line when I shift a little closer to his side and notice the way he flexes his muscles when he’s nervous or thinking intensely. I reach up and flip his hair to one side to catch a glimmer of blue in startling, mysterious eyes.

             
“I was sixteen when my father died of cancer, fifteen when we first got news of the illness. Things were pretty tense at my house. My sisters put on a calm, brave face but I knew they were struggling. Me, on the other hand, I was a coward. I became destructive, inconsolable.” Listening to him talk about his painful past is difficult. I’ve never lost anyone so I can’t imagine the sorrow and devastation his family faced. More importantly I have no idea what to say. There is nothing I can say that will make it better or bring his father back. Do I just sit here and continue to listen? Do I hold him or give him space until he finishes? I lightly run my finger over his arm, urging him to continue.

             
“After he died, I lost all sense of purpose. I just…lost it. Nick was fourteen at the time. We were relatively close back then. We were hanging out after the funeral, it was late and I wanted to forget about it. Forget about my pain, my anguish, my guilt on how I didn’t want to be there for my family during this time. Most of all, I just wanted to forget everything and everyone. I took Nick out for a drive in my dad’s car and I got drunk, too drunk to drive. I told Nick to drive, he hesitated but I demanded angrily so he obliged. He had no idea what he was doing and lost control of the wheel and drove us into a tree. He got hurt, but not too bad and I got scrapes.” I sucked in a shocked breath at his confession. As he stopped talking, he glanced at me and saw the shock on my face. I closed my mouth but it opened again on its own accord. I looked away briefly. I guess I understood now why there was so much dissention between them. But enough time has passed that they could have mended this, right?

             
“I know what you’re thinking. See, I wasn’t always a good person.” I feel an ache in my chest. I never thought of him as a bad person. He made a mistake while dealing with his grief. He’d just lost his father. What would I have done if I had lost mine? I couldn’t fathom it. I don’t know what I would have done. If you don’t experience things, you’ll never really know what you’d do in that situation. Not to mention, at sixteen a boy needs his father. It’s a crucial and scary time in a teenager’s life whether they’ll admit it or not.

             
“No, I wasn’t going to say you were a bad person. You didn’t know how to handle such a tragedy at that age. But I’ll say I understand now why you and Nick don’t get along and maybe why I never knew about you all this time.” He looks at me through his long dark lashes.

             
“Would it have made a difference?” I think about his question for a minute, unsure how to answer because I don’t know.

             
“Actually don’t answer that. I wasn’t a good person. I’m not proud of who I was. I’m glad we didn’t meet then.” I lay my head on his chest, content with the sound of his heartbeat and the soothing of his shallow breathing as it moves up and down.

             
Carter places my hand in his, lacing our fingers together. His long legs hang off the side of the merry go ‘round. The night sky above us, only a few stars showing themselves. “So what happened?”

             
“My mother felt I was uncontrollable. I made her life difficult. She moved to your school as the principle from her previous one and sent me away to boarding school. I didn’t blame her. I hit rock bottom, drinking a lot and causing chaos. I’m lucky I didn’t end up dead or hurting someone.” He takes a deep breath in between, trying to calm his nerves. “Anyway, when she couldn’t handle me anymore she sent me to boarding school. It was the best thing that could have happened. I straightened my shit up. They were tough and didn’t take shit from me. So once I got done, I worked and started college. Right now, I take classes at night and only one at a time. But I plan to really finish.” My right leg rests between both of his but it’s a cautious movement when I bend it momentarily, afraid of kneeing him in the groin. He kisses the top of my head then sighs.

             
“I’m sorry you went through all of that. I can’t imagine the pain you suffered.” I lift my head and meet his sad, pained eyes. He gives me a small smile. I wish I could take his pain away because I feel it when I look into his blues and there shouldn’t be any sadness in them.  I lie back down, holding him tight wondering what his dad was like.

             
“It’s okay Gracie. It was long ago.”

             
“I wish I could have met him.”

             
“He’d love you. I know he would. He always wanted me to be happy in life. You make me happy; he’d love you for it.” I smile at the thought. I think about Nick’s family and how hateful they always were to me. I always felt like an outsider around them. His older brother would throw dagger looks at me. What must they think of me now? Or do they even know about my pregnancy. I shake all thoughts of Nick from my head.

             
“I want you to meet my family.” I flinch and for a moment confused.

             
“I’ve met your mother before, you know. She is my principle now.” He shakes his head.

             
“No, I mean I want you to meet her as my girlfriend, not another one of her students she forgets about at the end of the year.” A nervous flutter settles in my stomach.                             “Nick’s family hates me. At least they always acted like they did. They always thought I was getting in his way of playing football. But I was always supportive of it.” I heave my body up to get a glance at Carter. He’s got his eyes closed, his arms tucked behind his head. I can imagine how uncomfortable that must be against his fingers but he doesn’t seem fazed. When he senses me watching him, he opens one eye and smiles. I lie back down, one arm over his stomach.