Choices (33 page)

             
“Gracie Jordan is here, in labor.” I hear Carter tell the nurse.

             
“Thank you guys for being here. You mean the world to me.” I say to Mason and Meg.

             
“Oh, I wouldn’t miss this for the world. And I got to ride in the limo after all.” She gave me a smirk. I laugh at her but stop.

             
“Okay, who is coming with you?” The nurse asks. “Your doctor will be here shortly.”

             
“We’ll call your parents. You go. If you need me, I’ll be close by.” Meg pulls Mason away but not before she kisses the top of my head and wishes me luck. I smile at her.

             
“Okay, Gracie you’re early hon. You feeling okay? You guys are all dressed up, were you out somewhere?” My doctor approaches us and I suddenly feel overwhelmed, scared.

             
“Yeah, we were at my prom actually. Is this a bad sign that she’s early? I’m kind of worried about it myself.”

             
She shakes her head and pats my shoulder, sympathetically. “No, you should be okay. Some mothers do deliver early. It’s not common, at least among first time mothers, but it happens. As long as there was no bleeding involved or anything like that. So, your water broke at your prom?”

             
“Yeah, perfect timing huh?” She laughed.

             
“It will make for an interesting story, that’s for sure.” The doctor smiles. “Okay, so I’m assuming you want in the room with her?” She asks Carter and he nods in confirmation.

             
“Affirmative.” We begin through a set of double doors.

             
“I’d like my mom there too when she gets here.” I moan in pain, breathing in and out. “Carter, it fucking hurts.” I shout, my breathing ragged.

             
“Hey, just breathe baby. Think happy thoughts and breathe. Okay, I’ll do it with you. Ready?” I nod my head as begin breathing together. It amazes me how much he knows this stuff. I smile in-between breaths.

             
We come to an empty room, and Carter eases me on the bed. It’s soft on my back but at this point nothing is comfortable.

             
“Okay, take your clothes off and put this gown on.” The doctor tosses me a hideous hospital gown and I scowl, crinkling my nose. She leaves the room briefly, leaving Carter and me alone. Suddenly I feel shy.

             
“Do you want me to leave so you can change?” I contemplate saying yes but I shake my head no instead.

             
“No, you can stay. And maybe help me.” He swallows, a small smile playing on his lips as he comet to stand by my side, taking the gown from my grasp. There is a slight shift in the air and it’s pretty palpable to the both of us.

             
“You look beautiful Gracie.” Caught off guard, I snap my attention to his face.

             
“Can I see a mirror?” Then I think better of it. “Nevermind, I’ll probably scare myself.” Carter laughs as he helps me out my clothes. His hands brush my bare back and I shiver. I pull him around to face me and kiss him-before another contraction comes back. He pulls back, studying me. “Are you ready for this?” He asks, taking my hand.

             
“I don’t know what you mean. Okay, yes I do. But I don’t have a choice; she’s ready to come now. I am nervous as hell. But I am ready to move in with you. I know that.” I grab the back of his neck and pull him closer, kissing him again. “And I’m ready to be intimate with you. Not pregnant sex.” He smiles, thoughtfully. I love his smile.

             
“I have to agree with you there.”

             
“Where does this leave us?” I ask.

             
“What do you mean?” He looks confused.

             
“I mean when she comes, where do you fit in?” I have another contraction and start breathing before he answers. He rubs my back, soothing me until it subsides.

             
“We’ll talk about that later Gracie. Don’t worry about any of that right now. I’m not going anywhere, just know that okay?” The doctor comes back into the room.

             
“Am I able to get an epidural?” I get set up with an IV.

             
“I need to check your cervix and see how far you’re dilated first.” I grunt in frustration and in pain. Just give me the damn thing, I want to say.

             
“I’ll get you some ice chips.” Carter leaves the room. It’s quiet and disconcerting, making me wish my mom was here with me. Carter comes back a few minutes later with a cup of ice and starts feeding me. I lay my head back against the pillows. I’m suddenly feeling relaxed. Carter smoothes my hairs from my face, our eyes lock. His finger grazes my cheek. A little smile touches his lips. My eyes start to get droopy, ruining the moment between us.

             
“Hey.” I hear Carter whisper into the silence.

             
“Hmm.” My feet feel cold, hanging off the bed. He notices my toes peeking out of the blanket and covers them.

             
“Do you need anything?” He asks when he’s at my side again. I feel him finger gliding up my arm and I refrain from squirming.

             
“I need sleep.”

             
The last thing I hear him say is, “Okay I’ll be right here when you wake up.” My eyes start to close, then open for a fraction of a second until I’m out.

             
I’m not sure how long I’ve been asleep but I suddenly wake up from the pain. I wince and grab my side. Drugs! I need more drugs! “Carter!” I shout and he’s at my side in an instant.

             
“Are you okay?” I shake my head no as he rubs my back. God, these contractions are cramps on unbearable. How do so many women deal with this? Of course there is the fact that they get an epidural. Unlike my stupid ass who decides I can do without. I close my eyes and will the pain to go away. Tears run down my face and sweat beads my skin. I thrust the covers off my body and momentarily feel sickened by the smell that is my body odor. I need a shower.

             
“When am I supposed to go?”

             
“Not until you’re closer to ten centimeters.” He replies. I look up at him and ask, “And how many am I dilated?”

             
“Five.” He says nervously. Five…five fucking centimeters. I shake my head, breath out a sigh of frustration. How long is this supposed to take?

Chapter 44

Ten hours and a lot of pain later, I’m finally being prepped for delivery. I’ve been miserable, so much pain and downright cranky. Who knew this could take so long?

             
Carter hasn’t left my side and he hasn’t complained about rubbing my back or feeding me ice chips. He’s been amazing through everything. I’ve had visitors here and there but they mostly stayed out of my way, which is a good move. Pregnancy, especially during the last moments before delivery are pretty rough.  “Have you had any sleep?” I ask as Carter lightly caresses my cheek, grinning at me.

             
“No, I’m fine. I’ll sleep later.” I want to protest and demand he sleep but I’d be lying if I said that’s what I really wanted. I’m being selfish and want him by my side. He looks beyond exhausted, dark shadows under his beautiful eyes, I feel like shit. “Hey, I’m fine. Chin up sweet girl.” He lifts my chin up with his finger. Another contraction hits me and I hunch forward, breathing through the intense pain. What is taking so long?

             
“Oh, you’re awake.”

             
“Hey mom.” My mother enters and stands by my side. Carter steps back, giving us space. I glance at him and smile a silent thank you. “Where’s daddy?”

             
“He’s in the waiting room, entertaining Meg and Mason. Or they might be entertaining him.” She laughs and takes my hand. “How are you feeling?”

             
“Terrified, mama. She is early. What if something goes wrong? So many things can happen. I didn’t plan this part very well, I’m so not ready.”

             
“I think it’s a little late for that, don’t you think?” I ignore her comment, focusing on a contraction that seems to be coming quicker now. It’s about time. I’m ready to meet her, just scared.

             
“Okay Gracie, are you ready?” Dr. Banks enters the room putting her elastic gloves on. They help me into a wheelchair. Carter’s behind me, pushing me out the door. He takes my hand with one of his which helps calm my erratic nerves.

             
“I want both Carter and my mother in the room. I need them both.” My doctor nods in approval. In the hall, I see my dad. He gets up from the chair and kisses me on the head, wishing me good luck right before I’m wheeled into the delivery room. It’s very similar to the one I was just in but there is equipment used for delivering babies. I get a chill from the air conditioner and the fact that my gown is slightly opened. I climb onto the bed, having another contraction. Wow, I wanted to experience the miracle of life. What the hell was I thinking? I’m starting to regret that decision, but the idea of a needle being injected into my spine makes me want to vomit. I’ll take the pain, even if I yell and scream.

             
“Okay, spread your legs and I’ll drape this cloth over you.” I spread my legs and feel a waft of air hit my vagina. Dr. Banks sits down in front of me and I feel a bit exposed, even though she’s my doctor and she’s seen plenty of girls’ girly parts. I pay no attention to it though and prep myself for an experience of my life. Another contraction comes and this one is more intense, I scrunch my face up, closing my eyes and moan. I do my breathing as Carter rubs my back and the pain intensifies. “You’re doing great sweetie. Just breathe, keep breathing.” I hear my mother somewhere, she sounds far away, even though she is next to me holding my right leg out.

             
“Okay Gracie, let’s start pushing.” My doctor tells me.

             
“Is it too late for an epidural? I really need one. God, why was I so stupid? Shit!” I’m pushing, sweat breaking out all over my skin probably running my makeup. My hair is a mess now, sticking to the sides of my face. I can’t worry about that now though. I want to hit somebody. Is violence a normal thought among pregnant women?

             
“Okay, Gracie I’ve got you. You can do this. Let’s welcome that sweet Kylie to the world.” Carter says soothingly with a wonderful smile on his face. I try to smile back but at this point, nothing will make it happen. I almost jump off the seat trying to push.

             
“God, how the fuck did I make such a stupid decision? Drugs, I need drugs! Oh God help me, get this baby out.” I yell. Carter grabs my left leg to hold it in place.

             
“Do you want a mirror to see the baby as it comes? Some women are curious to see their baby at this part.” Wow, no way. I’d probably flip the hell out seeing all that blood and stuff. I shake my head, leaning back against the pillow. I don’t know if I can make it. Seriously, I don’t know how much strength I have left. I sit back up and move closer to the edge of the bed and begin pushing again. I can barely breathe as sweat breaks out on my skin in all the wrong places. Tears run down my cheeks, not even realizing I’m crying. I’m a weepy mess, as usual.

             
As I brace myself and grab both of my legs, spreading them as wide as they’d go, I feel another whoosh of air against my skin. I close my eyes, blocking out all the voices around me as I push so it’s only me in the room. The sounds escaping my throat are none too pleasant. “It hurts, I can’t do this. It hurts, please give me something.” I wonder how she is going to get out of me. I’m not that big and I’m scared she’ll tear me down there. I feel Carter move behind me and start rubbing my back.

             
“Breathe Gracie, just breathe. I hate to sound like a broken record, but you need to repeat this over and over. Breathe, you’re doing great. You can do this.” I try to smile but it’s strained.

             
“Sweetie, you can do this. Just think when it’s over you‘ll finally be holding your baby girl. You’re almost there. You’ve come this far.” I don’t hear her as clearly as I should, since I’m more concentrated on the doctor and nurse’s feared expression as they whisper back and forth.

             
“What’s wrong doctor? “ She nibbles on her middle fingernail, nervously before meeting my eyes and straightens up.

             
“You need to push harder Gracie. It seems the umbilical cord is wrapped around Kylie’s neck. We need to get her out quickly or it will cause serious problems and may result in emergency C-section. Push as if your life depended on it.” I gape at her. It’s not my life on the line, it’s hers. Panic settles in my bones and I can feel my face lose all color, drained. Shit, I’ve got to work my hardest. I’ve got to save my baby. My throat dries up and my chest seizes, I can’t breathe. I can’t hear anything either. It feels like my ears are ringing, causing more pain. I concentrate on my erratic heartbeat and the fact that Kylie is depending on me for her survival. Tears of fear are blurring my vision. I take a deep breath and get into position.
Let’s do this!

             
“Let’s get her out.” I say, as calm as I can muster.

             
“Okay Gracie, on three..” I close my eyes and ask God to help me and give me the strength I need to save my angel. I can’t lose her now that I’ve gotten to know her. “One…two…three.” I force every single muscle I have to work together and push with so much force, I’m afraid my body will break. I let out a scream and take a breath.

             
“Okay, she’s coming. One more big push, you can do it.” Tears stream down my disgusting face and I have to keep the sobs from escaping my throat. I can cry later.

             
“Come on Kylie, we’re a team remember? You and me. I want to hold you, look into your eyes, witness your innocence and hear your beautiful voice.” I take another deep breath as I’m speaking to her, pleading as my voice chokes up when I say “please” as the last push forces almost knocks me off the bed. Carter steadies me, lightly caressing my skin everywhere he can. I’ve heard him every so often chanting soothing words of encouragement in my ear. I’m thankful that’s he been here, by my side but not overcrowding me. I glance at him and give a small smile as the last push; the doctor catches her as she’s finally out.

             
I fall back against the pillow, completely spent and exhausted. Sweat cakes my skin and I can smell my god awful odor. I hear my mother’s cry, thankful happy tears of course. The nurse cleans her but I become frantic when I still don’t hear her cry. Why isn’t she crying? Was I too late? My heart beats so fast, I have to take a breath before asking what’s going on. Carter rubs my arms but I’m too upset to acknowledge him beside me. Why isn’t she crying?

             
“Where is she? Why isn’t she crying?” My eyes are full of tears and I can’t distinguish any of my emotions anymore-they’re everywhere. Damn hormones.

             
“She’s fine. She will start-“ Before the nurse can finish her sentence I hear the most amazing sound I could ever imagine. She turns around with Kylie lying face down as she cleans off her body. Once she’s clean, she swaddles her in a pink blanket and places her in my outstretched hands. A sob of relief breaks through and I rock her gently until she quiets.

             
My vision is a little blurry through my tears of exhaustion, pain and solace. I look down at my sweet Kylie’s face. She’s perfect with a tiny nose that’s not too big or too small, eyes that are closed but probably a mix between brown and blue, maybe gray. Her fist is near her little mouth and I stick my pointer finger through her enclosed hand and she holds onto it. I want to see her eyes but they remain closed. I see her veins, visible through her skin. She’s got some hair on her head, and I can tell it will be a light brown, dark blonde. She’s perfect in my arms. I hold her tight to my chest, wiping my tears away. The world has melted away and it’s just her and me. I rock her some more but she’s already asleep. Within minutes, my rocking slows down as I feel my eyes getting heavy. I feel Kylie slip from my grasp and my eyes fly open, afraid I fell asleep and dropped her, but I sigh in relief when I see Carter taking her, or trying to. I instinctively act protective and try to take her back.

             
“I was just going to give her to the nurses so they can watch her while you got some sleep.” He kisses my forehead and I recoil-he flinches.

             
“I’m sorry, I just..I didn’t.” I lose my composure and start crying. I hate losing control.

             
“Cassie warned me you would be weepy once she was born. It’s okay, your hormones and emotions are still out of place. You need sleep.” I frown, sniffling and nod in agreement. I need a week’s worth of sleep. The last two months I’ve been sleep deprived due to discomfort and my sore back. I had Charlie horses in my left leg at night and my breasts ached when I put pressure on them.

             
“Thank you Carter, for everything.” He takes my hand and kisses my palm, eyes still locked on mine.

             
“Don’t thank me just yet.” He grins and even though I am curious what that statement means, I am too tired to ask. A yawn escapes my mouth so I rest my head back on the pillow and close my eyes.

             
It’s funny; I spent the last nine months preparing to welcome my baby girl into the world. Even though, it was hard and emotional. I was ready to meet her and hold her and love her. But as she had been taken to the nursery, I wanted her back in my arms, in the warmth I provided for her, under my protection but most of all, back in the safety of my womb-away from harm. At least in there she was safe. I may have been judged and ridiculed for being a pregnant teenager, but I wouldn’t change it for the world.

             
Two weeks later, I’m sitting at my desk, preparing for my graduation ceremony tonight. We moved into an apartment about ten minutes from my parents’ house. Carter wanted a place we both picked out together. The big surprise was the nursery Carter fixed up. The room is pink and purple, all nice dark wood furniture. For now, she sleeps in our room in her bassinette beside our bed. I don’t like having her too far from me, even with the baby monitor.

             
I tried going to Nick’s house and tell him he has a daughter, but his mother answered the door, stating he had already left for California the day after the dance. He’d left without saying goodbye, which appeared to me that she was satisfied that her son was gone and I was not. I wanted to punch her in the face, but I kept my cool in front of her, only breaking down in the car on the drive home. It really hurt that he left so sudden with no warning. Didn’t I mean anything to him? He did say he was leaving soon, at the dance he said that. But I didn’t think he’d make that move with no word. I was having his fucking baby and he’s gone. I take out my journal to enter my last entry because I don’t plan on writing anymore.

             
Dear Journal,

             
Tonight I walk the stage, walk toward my future. I moved in with Carter and I had my baby girl; which she weighed almost 8 pounds and luckily she didn’t tear me. I can’t express the joy and happiness I feel at not only completing high school in the midst of everything else but also becoming a mother. I’m loving motherhood so far and Carter has been the answer to my prayers. I start school in the fall, college that is. I’m nervous but excited. I’m not sure what I want to do yet, but I know I have so many options available. Carter helps me with Kylie so I know she’ll be taken care of. After today, I’ll start a new chapter in my life, a chapter that I’m more than excited to share and experience with the love of my life. I hope I don’t trip on the stage. It was fun writing down my thoughts and at times, it helped express my feelings at the time. But now I think I’m old enough to do without a journal. Thanks for listening all this time. It’s been great.