Christmas Delights 3 (25 page)

“Hey, Marky, is everything okay?” Andy asked as he answered
my call.

“Um, I’m not really sure,” I said. “Did Jack ever say how he
ended up in the river?"

There was a pause and I could hear a child’s voice in the
background. “Why isn’t my goddaughter in bed?” I asked jokingly.

“You try getting a three-year-old to bed this close to
Christmas. She is convinced that Father Christmas might come early and she
wants to stay awake so she can hear the reindeer on the roof.”

“Ah,” I said. “That might be my fault. When I had her the
other day I took her to see the reindeer in the town centre, and I might have
said that you can hear the reindeer landing on the roof of your house when
Father Christmas comes.”

“Cheers for that, mate,” he said. “And to answer your
previous question, no, Jack said he couldn’t remember what had happened.” I bet
he did, I thought. “Though we are ruling out foul play as there's no evidence
to suggest otherwise,” Andy continued. “It's more than likely it was just an
accident. Maybe he was walking in the dark and got too close to the edge of the
path, slipped and went down the bank into the river.”

“It was no accident,” I said.

Andy went quiet for a moment. “What do you mean it wasn’t an
accident?” he finally said.

“Jack tried to kill himself. He went out into the river to
end his life.” Hearing the words come out of my mouth made me feel sick.

“He told you this?” Andy asked.

“Yes,” I said, leaning over the breakfast bar for support,
“and he blames me for saving his life.”

“Oh,” was Andy’s response, followed by more silence.

“Andy, enough with the dramatic pauses. I need to know what
to do. This isn’t quite how I thought this would be.” Panic had crept into my
voice.

“Do you want me to come and get him?” Andy said.

I let out a frustrated sigh and rested my head on the hard
cool surface of the bar. “And take him where?"

“There's a bedsit we use,” he said reluctantly. “But it will
be him there, on his own. There will be no one there to watch out for him.”

“Haven’t you used up all your emotional blackmail cards for
one night?” I groaned.

“If you are really uncomfortable with it all, then I will
sort it out,” Andy replied with a understanding tone.

I could sense a but coming. “But,” he said, “If you are able
to stick it out and take it day by day, then I think he would do better with
you.”

How he had come to that conclusion I had no idea. I had no
experience of a situation like this or anything remotely close to it. But I was
too tired to question him on it.

“Okay,” I said. “We will take it one day at a time.”

“If you need me, for anything, just call, okay? Anytime.”

“Don’t worry, I will,” I said.

After hanging up I dropped the phone onto the counter top
and pushed myself up on to my elbows. Okay I could do this, I told myself. It
would all be fine, just take one day at a time. No worries, right?

“You reporting back on me already?” Jack said from behind
me, scaring the shit out of me for the second time that evening.

“Shit,” I swore, turning around to find Jack standing in the
doorway to his room. “Do you have to do that?” I said, trying to catch my
breath. Jack just stared back at me, his glance unwavering. “No, I wasn’t
reporting back on you. I was just letting Andy know we were back and that
everything was okay.”

I wasn’t lying completely. Jack didn’t need to know the
doubts and fears I had as it seemed he had enough of his own to contend with.

“Everything's OK, right?” I asked, not really wanting to
know the answer.

With the pained expression that spread across Jack's face, I
could tell he was struggling with the truth himself. I couldn’t imagine what
was going on inside his head, what thoughts and fears were chasing him, and
what it must feel like to think that there was no hope and his only way out was
to end it all, to end his life.

All of a sudden everything I was feeling, fear at not
knowing what to do, anger on Jack's behalf, everything, it all just disappeared
and what was left was the overwhelming feeling of purpose. I had to do
something or at least try.

“I don’t know,” Jack finally said. His words were shaky,
barely making it out of his mouth before his breath caught in his throat. He
swallowed hard and tried to speak again but it was too late. His chest was
heaving and his breathing ragged, and that’s when I saw the tears forming in
his eyes.

“I don’t think I’m OK,” he managed. “I thought I wanted to
die and when I went out there and I was in the water, I got scared and I
couldn’t do it. I just couldn’t do it.” 

Jack's sudden outburst of emotion and honesty caught me off
guard, and before I knew it, I was pulling him into my arms.

“Why couldn’t I do it?” He sobbed as he wrapped his arms
tighter around me. “What’s wrong with me?”

“There is nothing wrong with you,” I said softly, running my
fingers through his hair. “You just wanted to live more then you wanted to
die.”

His whole body shook in my hold as he sobbed. His fingertips
pushed against me, applying pressure where he was holding onto me.

“I’m scared,” he whispered.

I loosened my hold and pulled back slightly so I could see
his face. Long strands of hair were caught on his tear-soaked face. I used my
thumbs to brush them aside and looked into his eyes. They were no longer like
cold steel. The anger and the sadness they had held had disappeared too. It was
as if the sudden acceptance of the truth of wanting to live and his tears had
melted the icy seals that had been keeping him prisoner. The sight of what had
been hidden, and now set free, took my breath away. His eyes were the purest,
softest silver I had ever seen in my life. Like liquid, they ran with so much
emotion, so much feeling. It was hard not to look away and even harder not to
open my heart to him. I wanted to build a wall around him where I could protect
him and keep him safe from all the demons that were haunting him.

“You don’t need to be,” I said as I brushed my thumbs across
his cheeks.

At that moment the distance between us closed, not just
physically, as Jack gently rested his forehead against mine, but emotionally.
It was as if in that instance something passed between us, anchoring us
together.

“I’ve forgotten what it’s like to want to live,” he said.
“What it’s like to want to feel.”

I gently touched my nose against his and slowly moved my
fingers up his face, tracing the lines of his cheekbones until my fingers were
lost in his long, soft hair. As lightly as I could, I pushed the white gold
strands behind his ears and cupped his face with my hands.

“I can help you,” I whispered, brushing my lips against his.

Jack wrapped his fingers around my wrists, and he slowly
lifted my hands from his face. I looked at his tear-stained face, and guilt hit
me like a bullet to the chest. What was I thinking? That was the problem, I
wasn’t thinking. I wasn’t thinking at all. This man had been through so much
and feeling God knows what. Hell, he didn’t even know for sure if he wanted to
live or die, and what am I doing? I'm just confusing him even more and adding
to the mess that was already inside his head.

“I'm so sorry. I didn’t mean too…” I started. I took a step
back but my retreat was stopped. I looked down the length of my outstretched
arms and found that Jack still held onto my wrists.

“Please,” he pleaded in a voice that barely carried across
the few steps between us. He tightened his grip around my wrists. It felt like
he was hanging onto me as if I was some lifeline, like he thought I was the one
last strand that he had to cling to. I knew there and then I couldn’t let him
go. I couldn’t let this beautiful, fragile being be consumed by the darkness
that threatened his existence. I wouldn’t let him be lost to the world.

In one fast motion I moved forwards and gathered Jack up in
my arms. I pressed my lips to his and pulled him in as close as I could. I
wanted him to feel the beat of my heart on his chest and to feel the blood
coursing through my body, through my veins. I wanted him to feel it all and
know it was him causing it and that what we both felt was life at its most
powerful and in its rawest form.

I held onto him impossibly tight. I had one arm wrapped
around his waist and used the other to trace the line of his spine with the
tips of my fingers. As I moved my hand downwards, the smooth surface of his
skin beneath his t-shirt changed. With my fingers, I picked out the rise and
falls where there shouldn’t have been any. I slowly radiated out from his spine
with my fingertips, coming across more patterns embossed into his skin. Slowly
I moved both of my hands to the bottom of Jack’s spine and gently slid them
underneath his t-shirt. I glided my touch up his back until I reached his
shoulder blades. By the end of their journey I knew what I had felt. The broken
and jagged landscape they had just travelled over was undeniable. As I
struggled to contain the upswell of new emotion inside me, I felt something
warm and wet on my lips and the taste salt invaded my mouth. Startled, I pulled
back and saw that Jack had tears streaming down his face again.

“Hey,” I cooed and then softly pressed a kiss to his mouth.

Before he could say anything, I shook my head. “Tonight is
about the here and now.” I brushed my lips against his again. “And you,” I
whispered. “Tonight no one else exists.”

Chapter 5

I dreamt that night of the time Jack and I had spent
together. I dreamt and relived every single moment of what had happened only
hours ago. In vivid multicolour it played out before me, and I could taste and
feel every memory, every moment.

It had started with the look of fear etched on Jack's face
as he'd taken his clothes off and had slowly turned his back towards me. What
I'd seen had broken my heart. His back had looked like an image of a town or a
village taken from the sky. Long snake like scars could easily have been the
roads and paths, the cluster of smaller burn-like scars were grouped together
like houses, and the bruises were like areas of green fields or woodland spread
out in clumps all over the landscape. Without thinking, I had found myself suddenly
standing behind him, tracing my fingertips over every raised bit of flesh. Each
time I had come to the end of one of the scars, I had pressed my lips to it,
wishing to kiss it away.

I had worked my way down his battle
-
scarred back until I was on my knees. Then, I
rested my head against his lower back and ran my hands from his waist down the
length of his thighs and back up again. Continuing with my path of kisses, I
had moved beneath the bottom of his spine, kissing over the shape of his
buttocks and down the back of his legs.

My next memory was of us in bed, our bodies entwined and our
skin heated and glistening with sweat. I remembered how Jack had moved his body
with mine. I remembered his laboured breaths, the muscles of his legs that he'd
wrapped around my waist as they had contracted in unison with his stomach
muscles, and how in doing so created a counter force every time I pushed
forwards. Then, finally I recalled the shudder that had pulsed through his and
then my body, sending signals to nerves I never knew I had and pushing both of
us hard to our release.

The aftermath had been bliss, lying with Jack in my arms,
his scent lingering on my still-tingling skin. My whole body had felt alive
with electricity, which had been much to Jack's amusement. He had lain with his
head on my chest and used the back of his hand to very lightly brush a trail
down the side of my body, where at a certain point just above my hip he had
lingered with his touch and triggering a nerve that had coursed through my leg,
which gave a twitch in response. After the third time of him doing that, I
cracked, I shot out from underneath him, rolled him over and had pinned him
down onto the bed.

“Let’s see how you like it, shall we.” I'd said, quickly
moving my hands all over his body trying to find a ticklish spot. It hadn't
taken very long, as pretty much everywhere I tried had sent Jack into fits of
laughter and made him wriggle beneath me.

“Okay, okay. Okay!” he'd squealed, managing to grab hold of
my hands and pull me down on top of him. Instantly, I'd started dropping a line
of small kisses up the middle of his chest, moving and tracing up the side of
his neck until I'd reached his jaw line. I had been about to place my lips
against his, but he’d beat me to it. He'd moved his hands to cup my face and
had gently turned my head until we were face to face. Then, he'd pulled my head
down pressing our lips together and for the first time he had kissed me.

“Thank you,” he had said, parting our lips briefly.

“For what?” I'd asked, searching out his mouth again.

He had taken hold of my hand and placed it over his chest.
Beneath his warm skin, I could feel his heartbeat steady and strong.

“For saving my life.” He had then slid his fingers through
mine before adding, “And for giving me a reason to fight to keep it.”

I awoke the next morning to find myself alone in bed.
Rubbing the sleep from my eyes, I rolled out of bed. A shiver passed over my
body as the cold morning air hit my bed-warmed skin. I grabbed hold of the
duvet and wrapped it around my shoulders as I clumsily made my way from the
bedroom and out into the living room in search of Jack. I found him standing in
front of the window that overlooked the park. He had taken the fleece throw
from off the back of the sofa and had it pulled tightly around him. Walking up
behind him, I wrapped my arms and the duvet around him. “Morning,” I said,
leaning round to give him a kiss on the cheek.

“Why is it so cold in here?” he said in a muffled voice as
he buried his face in the duvet cover.