Cipher (21 page)

He was right. I was burning. I slathered myself with the lotion, and then let Knight do my back. I tried to ignore the heat that was flaring wherever he touched me, but I couldn’t deny it anymore.

My virtue was totally not safe.

“You said before that you tried meditation and yoga?”

I snorted. If this was his approach, we were going to get nowhere. “Sucked.”

“What were you thinking of when you meditated?”

“Nothing. That’s the point.”

“Eh. You can think of stuff. Yoga nidra is all about picturing things as you meditate.”

“Yeah, well the yogi I was practicing with said I had to quiet my mind before we moved on to that. Turns out I don’t get a lot of quiet in my head.” It’d been a major fail. Every time I thought I was getting somewhere, I’d lost control. Epic disaster.

“I have this theory—”

I nudged him with my shoulder. “Sounds dangerous.”

“Shut up.”

“Shutting up, sir.”

“Smartass.” He might’ve sounded serious, but his sea glass green eyes glittered. He was having way too much fun. “I don’t think you’re very connected to your ability. You’ve spent so much time trying to get rid of it or shove it away that you’ve never really embraced it.”

The guy had a point. “Go on.”

“After I was modified to fit you, I instinctively did the same thing. Lady Eva spent weeks shocking me with electricity. For a while there, she thought the mod didn’t work because every time she tested me with strong voltage, I got knocked out. Little stuff was okay. But jolt me with anything substantial and I spent the next day in medical.”

“Sounds painful.”

“No kidding. But I was bracing against the electricity. Trying to block it. Stop it. But I couldn’t. I had to open myself. Be a conduit. A channel. Absorb it.”

“I get what you’re saying, but it doesn’t work that way for me. It’s like I am the electricity and I’m burning everything I touch.”

“But fighting it, instead of blocking it, does the opposite. It draws more and more to you until you explode. Right?”

I clicked my lip ring against my teeth as I considered. He was kind of right. The more I tried to stop it, the more power I gathered, and the bigger the eventual explosion. Of course I wanted to stop accumulating it. “I guess. But how is opening myself up to more electricity going to stop me from gathering more? That’s totally counterintuitive.”

“I think you have to think of yourself as more of a conduit. You’re gathering the energy, and you can either hold on to it until you explode, or let it go as it comes. The problem starts when you’re blocking it and gather too much. Let it flow through you.”

“Right.” Because that was what always happened. It flowed through me, and destroyed everything in its wake.

“Let’s try something. Do you feel any electricity right now?”

I closed my eyes and tried to feel the waves of electricity, but of course, there was nothing. This island wasn’t wired. He was right about it. Total dead zone. “No.”

“Yes, you do. I feel it. It moves through me, just in a different way. I dampen it, whereas you amplify it.”

I ran my fingers through my tangled and crunchy-with-salt hair. I was sure I looked ridiculous, and I was going to make an ass out of myself trying to ‘control’ my ‘ability,’ but I had to give this an honest try.

I closed my eyes again and stayed really quiet. I couldn’t expect to feel anything like I did when I was in the city. The power here would be more subtle. As soon as I opened my mind to the possibilities of smaller things, I felt tiny tingles along my skin—the telltale sign that electricity was present.

“Okay. I feel some. From the sun. From the living things around me. In the air. But it’s tiny. Barely a whisper along my skin.”
See
. I could use my own metaphors.

“Then try gathering it, and passing it to me once you’ve built up a charge.”

I’d never tried gathering it. Not ever. That was way too dangerous.

But I had to start somewhere, and at least here there was no one to hurt. I closed my eyes, feeling the barely there breeze against my skin. The heat of the sun burned against my back. For the longest time, my powers had felt like a drain. It took so much work to keep them down. So much mental energy. Physical strength. Being so far away from the world—with no access to an electrical grid—was a relief. No wonder I’d lost myself underwater. Playing.

I couldn’t remember ever playing before. I never relaxed. I could never breathe easy. That pressure to hide what was struggling to break free was always around.

Just sitting in the sunlight, I was rejuvenated.

I let myself relax, and in doing so, drew power to me. It was there. All around me. I really didn’t need wires.

The power grew inside me. When I opened my eyes, my arms had a blue-white glow around them. Brighter than the sunlight.

“Good. Now, try holding on to it for ten seconds. Don’t collect any more. Just hold steady.”

The more I concentrated on it, the more it filled me up. It was like it was drawn to me. I wasn’t sucking the energy in; it just found me.

I shook my head. “I can’t. Once I start pulling, it doesn’t stop.”

“Hold on to what you’ve got, and let the rest fly past.”

“I can’t…” If there were lights around, they would’ve been flickering like mad already. I was full. Ready to blow.

Sharp zaps stung along my legs as the sand formed clumps of glass.

Knight reached for my hand, and this time, instead of feeling like he numbed me, I could feel the electricity going from me into him. He released it back into the area without any big bangs, lightning, or explosions. It just left him.

When he touched me, I was safe. I didn’t have to worry about control.

The first time he’d done it, it was disarming. Uncomfortable. That empty feeling was even unnerving. Now I’d grown to appreciate it. Savor the feeling of not needing to have control of everything all the time.

The temptation to let Knight share my burden forever was huge.

But that wouldn’t be fair, no matter how badly he might think he wanted it. No one would pick this life. Hiding. Losing control. A second away from total destruction.

I needed to get myself under control. If for no other reason, just so that Knight could finally live his life for himself.

Chapter Fourteen

KNIGHT

As we sat on the beach, I could read every little thought that ran through Emma’s head. The girl was ridiculous. She didn’t know how to relax. Didn’t have a clue how to let go and have fun. Seeing her in the water, chasing fish was truly a sight.

Even when we were kids, she’d always had this weight hanging over her. She was the oldest eight-year-old I’d ever met. As I hit my teens, it had only grown more apparent how strange she acted. How mature she was. But carrying a secret that big meant she had to grow up fast.

She had giggled—
giggled—
as she surfaced from the water. I’d kill to hear her laugh like that every day.

She stared at me in awe—like I’d just saved her at my expense.

It made me want to shake her. She’d saved me at her own expense. That was what you did for the people you l—

Damn it. Dex was going to give me so much shit next time he saw me.

Did she feel the same? Could she possibly trust me that much? Probably not yet, but I had hopes. I hadn’t gotten where I was by thinking negatively.

“It’s going to be fine. This was your first try. What do you think you did wrong?”

“I have no idea. I’ve never done this before. What do you think I did wrong?”

I laughed. “I don’t have a clue. This is your ability, not mine.”

“Jerk.”

“Seriously, though, I think you’re fine with gathering. It’s the release you need to work on.”

Her stare told me she thought I was being dumb. “Clearly. I didn’t wipe out the power in the Arizona Void because I had trouble gathering electricity.”

“Smartass. I think once we really get down how this works, you’ll be able to zap the smallest com without disturbing anything around it.”

Her mouth dropped open. “You’re out of your mind. I’m lucky if I manage not take out a city block.”

My gaze was drawn to her soft, peach-colored lips. That piece of metal. It was like she was both hard and soft. Inside and out. I liked the contrast. I hadn’t expected that. But then again, I hadn’t expected her.

“Oh, no. Nope. That’s not cool,” she said.

My gaze rose to her eyes. The green was being taken over by a thick ring of brown around her iris. I’d never seen her eyes this particular color, and I wondered what it meant. What was she thinking?

She kicked out with her foot. “Stop looking at me like that.”

“Like what?”

“Like you’re starving and I’m a nice piece of apple pie.”

“I happen to like apple pie.”

“Who doesn’t? That doesn’t mean I’m
your
apple pie.”

I grinned. This was too much fun. “What if I want you to be my apple pie?”

“It doesn’t matter what you want. I’m not,” Emma said.

“What if you want to be my apple pie?”

“Enough with the fucking apple pie.” She stood and grabbed her facemask, snorkel, and fins. “I’m going for a swim. When I come back, have that”—she waved her hand in my direction—“under control.”

Under control? Yeah. That wasn’t going to happen.

She was running, which was understandable. Emma was the kind of girl who deserved to be chased. “You have fun. I’ll be here, getting some sun.”

“Put some sunscreen on, you douchebag.”

Behind the name-calling—which I was starting to think of as Cipher-style terms of endearment—her soft voice betrayed actual concern for me. I couldn’t suppress a smile. “Don’t worry so much. I don’t burn. I brown.” Thanks to my heritage, I’d just get darker and darker the longer I was out. I hadn’t been in the sun in a while and my skin was already mocha-colored.

Emma walked into the water like a beautiful, blue-haired siren. She tested me at every turn, but God if I didn’t love it. Everything I’d given up for her was worth it, and I’d do it all again in a heartbeat.

I checked my com for any updates. They were still searching for us, but hadn’t hit our trail yet. Some choppers had left the coast of Georgia an hour ago, but that was it. We were still good to keep hiding here for a while.

I relaxed on the beach and let the sound of waves crashing on the shore lull me into a nap.

***

That night I built a small fire. The wood was slightly damp and smoked more than I’d like, but it wasn’t horrible. Emma was gagging down her dinner.

“Just don’t look at it,” I said.

She paused with the spoon halfway to her mouth. “How am I not supposed to look at it? I’m eating it.”

“Like this.” I demonstrated, dipping my spoon into the package and swallowing the bite without breaking eye contact with her.

“You got food on your shirt.” Her grin was a little menacing.

I shrugged. “It’ll wash.”

“It looks like baby diarrhea.”

I groaned. “I’m trying to eat here.” The little freeze-dried bits tasted like chicken teriyaki, but had the texture of lumpy paste. Emma had already compared it to cat vomit and stewed shit. She was right on all counts, but it had the nutrition we needed.

“Making fun of it is helping me choke it down.”

She’d lost her mind. “Comparing your food to baby diarrhea is helping you eat it?”

Emma primly held up her spoon and took a delicate bite. Then made a face as she choked. “It’s the texture. I can’t handle it.”

I laughed at the way her mouth puckered and her nose scrunched as she forced down another bite. She swallowed and then downed half a water bottle. “Ugh. That was so gross. You know, this is the worst date ever.”

“This is a date?”

“I hope not. Because really, you suck at showing a girl a good time.”

“What about the snorkeling? That has to make up for the food packets.”

“No way. Nothing can ever make up for those.” She scrunched up her face and then sighed. “It’s important to have a sense of humor about these kinds of things. Plus, I’ve gone hungry before. So, this is really not that bad. But I’m having a
really
good time grossing you out. So if this
was
a date—which it’s not—then maybe it wouldn’t totally suck.”

I dropped my spoon in the foil packet, and ignored the date comment. If I reacted to it, she’d shy away again. It was a good sign that
she
was the one who’d brought up the date comparison. “You’re good, but you’re not
that
good. I’m pretty hard to gross out. You can’t say anything that any of the guys hasn’t said a million times before.” I shook my head. “Trying to gross me out… I don’t know why I’m helping you at all.”

“Me neither,” she muttered so quietly, that even with my modified hearing, I barely heard her.

Those two words were like a stab in the chest. “I didn’t mean that. Not even a little bit.”

Even in the dim firelight I could see her cheeks redden. “Well, you should. I’m not exactly a safe bet.” She stared into the flames to avoid my gaze.

Her words made my heart ache. “I don’t want a safe bet. I know what I want, and that’s you.”

Her gaze met mine for a moment before darting away. “You’ll regret it.”

No. I wouldn’t. Not in a million years. “Why don’t you let me worry about that?”

“I can’t help but worry about it,” she said quietly. That gave me hope.

She worried about me. Since I’d gotten paired with her, there was always a chance that this could be very one-sided, but I was glad it wasn’t. Unbelievably glad.

“Not to sound like a broken record, but it’s going to be okay.”

“You’re still saying it like it’s a fact. It’s not.”

“I’m going to make it a fact. And I’m going to keep repeating it until you believe it.” I got up. There was no way I was eating another bite of the baby diarrhea. I was off the chicken teriyaki packets for life.

Lord help me if she does the same thing with the curry packet tomorrow
.

After disposing of our trash and smothering the fire, I rinsed my hands in the surf. “Let’s go to bed. Once the sun rises, it’ll be too hot to stay in the tent. We should get some rest.”