Class Is Not Dismissed! (4 page)

“Yes, but what about identity theft? You mustn’t forget what happened to me.”

“Forgetting who you are hardly counts as identity theft.”

“Very well,” Mrs. Wellington said while caressing the soft gray fur around her neck. “Cashmere certainly isn’t what it used
to be; this scarf smells of giblets.”

“That’s because it’s a cat, Madame.”

And indeed, it was a cat. Mrs. Wellington had a lean gray cat wrapped stylishly around her neck.

“Don’t be ridiculous,” Mrs. Wellington said before pausing to look down. “Although it does appear to have a mouth. Oh, never
mind!
You say tomahto, I say tomato; you say cat, I say scarf,
” Mrs. Wellington sang off-key.

“Now then, contestants, take your seats,” Mrs. Wellington announced as she removed Fiona the cat from her neck and placed
her on the floor.

Madeleine, Lulu, Theo, and Garrison took their seats in the manor’s unusual classroom. The students’ silver-leaf desks, arranged
two per row, descended in size from normal to minuscule. At the head of the classroom, Mrs. Wellington leaned against her
large gold-plated desk and nodded her head a few times. Madeleine stared, utterly mystified as to why the old woman was nodding.
After all, no one had said anything for minutes. Not wishing to be impertinent, Madeleine smiled and nodded her head in return.

“What is this? Are you two signaling each other?” Theo asked Madeleine dramatically.

“Oh, dear, Theo. I was merely trying to be polite, as Mrs. Wellington was nodding.”

“OK,” Lulu jumped in. “Mrs. Wellington, who were you nodding at?”

“Yeah,” Garrison grunted as Lulu finished. “Actually, I don’t really care.”

“Of all the invasions of privacy! The lot of you ought to be ashamed of yourselves,” Mrs. Wellington said huffily. “I was
nodding to
myself
. Honestly, can’t a woman have a personal conversation with herself without you misfits eavesdropping?”

“Well, I can’t speak for the others, but I didn’t hear anything,” Theo said sincerely.

Mrs. Wellington sighed and nodded her head at Theo.

“Was that for me, or are you having another conversation with yourself?” Theo spat out. “Am I the only one who finds this
confusing?”

“We haven’t time for your confusion, Theo; we are in the midst of a security breach. We’ve got a code magenta with a splash
of teal, and you know how serious
that
is.”

“I don’t,” Theo quickly answered.

“Not to be cheeky, Mrs. Wellington, as I’m not American, but I believe Homeland Security’s color advisory system goes from
green to red without stopping at magenta or teal.”

“Homeland what? Is that some sort of hippie commune? I am talking about the Pageant Colors of Crime. Have you learned nothing
at school? Everyone knows magenta is burglaries and teal is odd behavior from a mysterious man.”

“I can’t believe you brought us back here in the middle of a crime wave. Thanks a lot, lady,” Theo said while ruefully shaking
his head. “I might as well have taken an internship on Riker’s Island!”

“Yeah, not to mention the fact that if you hadn’t dragged us back here, I could be playing Wii right now,” Lulu added.

“How dare you? I brought you back here because you
need
me! You are far from cured of your phobias. The fact that I have been unable to find a security team willing to aid in the
burglary investigation in exchange for signed pageant photos of myself was of no consequence in my decision.”

“Mrs. Wellington, we get it. You missed us. We’re touched, but we’re cured,” Theo said gently.

“Is that so?”

“Yes, it is,” Theo said as he stood to remove his sweatshirt. “Oh my gosh, I’m so embarrassed. I can’t believe I
left my hall monitor sash on. This is just one of the many things I have accomplished since being cured of my fears last summer.
And yes, I said
HALL MONITOR
. That’s right, guys,
an elected position
.”

“Theo, that is terribly impressive,” Madeleine said genuinely. “Perhaps you can tell me about the campaign later.”

“I bet you were the only one who wanted to do it,” Lulu added under her breath.

“Well, that is an outright—well, not technically a lie, but definitely mean.”

“OK, so you’re a closet monitor, but what about your fears?” Mrs. Wellington asked.

“It’s
hall
monitor, and my fears, well, they are doing
great
. I mean top notch—that’s where I put my fears, on the top notch of my closet, which is in the hall that I monitor, because
I am a
hall monitor,
” Theo said with a forced laugh before continuing. “Basically, I am a
free man
.”

“Am I to take your proclamation of being a
free man
to mean you no longer phone your family members every hour?”

“No way! I’m running around New York City,
catching buses, hopping on subways, eating at questionable establishments, and generally throwing caution to the wind—total
renegade in glasses. That’s actually my nickname on the street—the renegade in glasses who also happens to have been
elected
hall monitor. And for the record, even if no one runs against you, you are still considered an elected official.”

“I don’t know why you’re so proud. It’s not like anyone even
likes
elected officials,” Lulu said honestly.

“That is not true. My father is very fond of the President… of the Elks Club, very fond,” Theo shot back defensively.

“And what about the rest of you? Are you all
cured?
Madeleine?”

“As you can see, I am veil- and repellent-free. And while I certainly don’t rejoice in spiders or insects, they no longer
plague my every thought. It’s behind me now, as is my need to prespray rooms, wash in boric acid, or use Wilbur the exterminator.
I am rather proud to say that earlier this year, I even petted a… spider’s… furry… belly… in Holland Park, simply as a leisure
activity,” Madeleine babbled awkwardly.

“Lulu?”

“Um, I take elevators and lock bathroom doors even when there aren’t windows. I am one hundred percent cured. Can I go home
now?”

“Oh, my little strawberry-blond parrot, you certainly haven’t lost your spunk. Sporty?”

“Parrot?” Lulu mouthed to Theo before rolling her eyes.

“Oh, I’m Lulu, and my life is so hard because everyone gives me cute little nicknames even though I’m really mean,
” Theo delivered in a whiny female voice.

“Chubby, I believe I was speaking to Sporty, not you,” Mrs. Wellington said as her lips dipped a shade darker. Due to oversized
capillaries, Mrs. Wellington’s lips darkened whenever she was embarrassed, irritated, or angry.

“Every morning I’m up at six to hit the beach for an hour, ride some waves, get in the zone,” Garrison answered. “It’s pretty
awesome. I’m a beach bum; the water’s my life now. So it’s been cool to see you, but the waves are calling me, if you know
what I mean.”

“Well, I suppose I will have to let you go home, then.
And please don’t worry about Schmidty, the animals, or myself—we’ll manage somehow. Although it would have been so helpful
to have all of your eyes and ears to help stop this beast from stealing my most prized possessions…”

“Oh dear,” Madeleine said, gasping. “Has he taken family heirlooms?”

“Worse! My wigs! The burglar has stolen every single one of my wigs, except the one I’m wearing. Have you any idea how long
it takes Mrs. Luigi to grow her hair to make one of my wigs? Three years! And it’s not just the wigs; the burglar has also
taken four crowns, six sashes, one plate of Casu Frazigu cookies, two framed pageant photos, four lipsticks, and a nail file.
Soon there’ll be nothing left but my bald head.”

“Who would
want
that stuff?” Garrison asked.

“An old pageant rival dying to get revenge. Everyone knows a beauty queen is nothing without her hair.”

“But aren’t all your pageant rivals dead by now?” Theo wondered.

“I’ll have you know, at least three of my rivals are still living… in nursing homes. And you would be surprised
how fast they can move with a walker and a tank of oxygen. I’ve put Munchauser on the case. He’s investigating the ladies;
he sends updates weekly.”

“I bet the guy in the forest is stealing your stuff. You know, Abernathy? Your greatest failure, the one student you couldn’t
help… blah blah blah,” Lulu uttered in a bored tone.

“It
is
awfully suspicious that Abernathy always appears during the burglaries. But it’s impossible. Abernathy simply couldn’t be
the thief—he’s terrified to enter Summerstone,” Mrs. Wellington said, rubbing her chin.

“I’m no Sherlock Holmes—although I think with a little training I could be—but it’s obvious Abernathy is working in cahoots
with someone. Come on, Mrs. Wellington, haven’t you ever read Nancy Drew? I mean, we don’t need CSI to solve this,” Theo finished.

“Abernathy has never really had any friends. The likelihood of him finding an accomplice seems highly improbable. He lives
in the Lost Forest. Who is he going to enlist, a squirrel?”

“Maybe not a squirrel, but you would be surprised
what raccoons can do,” Theo said knowingly. “They have opposable thumbs and great night vision. Born burglars.”

“Well, there you have it! The raccoons are behind it. Guess it’s time for us to hit the road,” Lulu said decisively.

“Yes, I suppose it is. But just one thing before you go,” Mrs. Wellington said with a smirk.

S
chmidty, please get the lights,” Mrs. Wellington said mischievously as she turned on the projector and clicked a slide into
focus. “Here we have the lovely Miss Lulu Punchalower at twelve-thirty
PM
in the lobby of her dentist’s office on Brystale Avenue. And may I add, what a lovely neighborhood you live in. I adore all
the trees and shrubbery.”

“Um, this is a total invasion of privacy. I could sue you,” Lulu retorted.

“By all means. I believe you’re acquainted with my attorney, Munchauser,” Mrs. Wellington said icily as she held Lulu’s stare.

“And here is Lulu again at one-ten
PM
, still waiting for someone ‘
to happen
’ to ride the elevator with her, which, lucky for Lulu, finally occurs at one-thirty
PM
, making her only one hour late for the appointment. Then there are the fake trips to the restroom while out with her family…”

“Lulu, I’m horrified. Is nothing sacred?” Theo squawked, shaking his head.

“What? So maybe I like someone to accompany me when taking the elevator or entering small bathrooms with tricky locks. Big
deal! I may not be totally cured, but
sort of cured
is more than enough to get me through life,” Lulu said indignantly.

“Life is about more than just getting through, Lulu,” Theo said poignantly. “I guess that’s just another lesson
unelected
people don’t understand.”

“And now on to London…”

“Surely you didn’t send someone all the way across the Atlantic to check in on me?” Madeleine asked
tensely. “Going through customs alone is such a headache, not to mention the currency exchange.”

“Never underestimate a beauty queen with airline miles,” Mrs. Wellington said with a snicker. “Madeleine, it appears that
you have nearly emptied your piggy bank with under-the-table payments to Wilbur the exterminator.”

“It is not a
piggy bank!
It’s a travel fund.”

“Oh, my apologies, dear. A travel fund is much more dignified to pilfer from in the name of bedroom exterminations and netting.
Yes, dear girl, we have pictures of the veil you’ve been wearing to sleep, waking up early to take it off so your parents
don’t find out. Absolutely shameful.”

“I cannot believe that you went to such lengths to check in on me. A letter would have sufficed,” Madeleine said huffily to
Mrs. Wellington.

“Am I to suppose that you would have given me an honest assessment? I don’t think so.”

“Oh, I tried, Mrs. Wellington! But there was an outbreak of mutant palmetto bugs in the United Kingdom, something to do with
global warming…”