Class Is Not Dismissed! (7 page)

“Then maybe he was stealing lawn furniture for his crib in the forest,” Theo added sincerely.

“
His crib?
You think the forest dweller has a crib?” Lulu said in disbelief to Theo.

“I think that dirty man is giving us the gift of friendship,” Hyacinth said with a massive smile.

“That is the one thing I am pretty sure he’s
not
doing,” Lulu said firmly.

“He’s distracting Mrs. Wellington and Schmidty so that we have time to bond. That spells friendship to me. As a matter of
fact, I am so touched I think I may have to sing.
Thank you, dirty man, I’m your new biggest fan; let’s go out and get a tan, maybe even an electric fan…”

“Wait. Pantsuit may be on to something,” Lulu said seriously.

“I’m sorry to be the Simon Cowell of the group, but that was awful,” Theo said with a terribly guilty expression. “She’s not
on to anything, not even the school glee club, and their standards aren’t very high.”

“Not the singing!” Lulu said as she quickly rose from her chair. “Abernathy… he’s the distraction for the burglar.”

“We need to search the house!” Garrison said, realizing his leadership skills were needed as he headed toward the Great Hall.

“Maybe we should just wait here. After all, we are not trained crime fighters,” Theo said with a strange mixture of nervousness
and guilt.

“Theo,” Madeleine snapped, “we can’t just sit by and let them steal Mrs. Wellington’s valuables. Think of all she did for
us last summer! And think of all she’ll do for
us this summer if this burglar doesn’t drive her too batty!”

“Fine,” Theo relented. “A hall monitor’s work is never done.”

“Don’t leave me! Please! Wait for me!” Hyacinth exploded as she took off after the others.

F
ollowing what proved to be an unsuccessful search for the burglar, Mrs. Wellington, with her makeup partially melted off,
paced in front of Schmidty, Macaroni, Theo, Lulu, Garrison, Madeleine, and Hyacinth. Her mind was fast at work, desperate
to figure out who was behind this audacious break-in.

“Think hard, Sporty,” Mrs. Wellington said. “Did you see his face? Even just a glimpse?”

“We’re all assuming it’s a man, but who’s to say it’s not a woman?” Lulu asked.

“In an unscientific survey that I conducted in a dream, I statistically proved that more men are criminals than women,” Mrs.
Wellington asserted before focusing on Garrison again.

“Honestly, I was too far away,” Garrison said, “and he was covered in black, like a bodysuit.”

“So you’re saying he’s a dancer? Any particular movement? Ballet? Modern?”

“It wasn’t like he stopped to tap-dance along the way. All I know is he was wearing a black bodysuit.”

“I’m sweating just thinking about it,” Theo said seriously. “He must have gotten a terrible heat rash. I hope he’s got calamine
lotion at home, or at the very least preparations for an oatmeal bath.”

Hyacinth suddenly started crying, much to the shock of everyone around her.

“Why are you crying? Are you frightened?” Mrs. Wellington asked sympathetically. “Or are you worried the burglar did in fact
develop a heat rash?”

“Neither,” Hyacinth whimpered. “Celery thinks the other kids hate me just because I’m new.”

Mrs. Wellington stared at Lulu, Theo, Garrison, and Madeleine with crimson lips. Much as she had when teaching the art of
smiling and waving, Mrs. Wellington barked her orders.

“Tell her that she is mistaken! Tell her that you’re all friends!”

“We don’t hate you, just your ferret. Really, we’re friends,” the foursome droned unemotionally to a now-smiling Hyacinth.

“Besties?” Hyacinth asked in a chipper tone.

Mrs. Wellington shot each of the students a firm glance.

“Sure,” Theo said reticently.

“Of course,” Madeleine mumbled.

“Uh-huh,” Garrison grunted.

“Whatever,” Lulu said with a roll of the eyes and a sigh.

“I am so happy I’m going to sing a song,” Hyacinth bubbled. “
Hyhy wanted to cry cry, when she heard you all were saying bye bye, but now she knows it was just a lie lie, so she can let
out a big sigh sigh!”

“I may have misspoken when I referred to singing as your
talent,
” Mrs. Wellington said as she femininely
perched her right hand on her hip. “But we will have to address that later, as we have a terribly busy day. Contestants, before
lunch, why don’t you take Hyacinth upstairs,” Mrs. Wellington said calmly.

“She’s not rooming with us, is she?” Lulu asked, pointing her head in Hyacinth’s direction.

“Of course I am. It’s going to be like one big slumber party all summer. Celery and I are so excited. We even brought extra
barrettes so we can all braid each other’s hair before bed.”

“OK, this is School of Fear, not Barbie’s Band Camp. There will be no braiding of the hair or pillow fights or late-night
gab sessions or singing along with the Jonas Brothers,” Lulu said, laying down the law.

“I wouldn’t mind singing some Jonas Brothers before bed,” Theo said sincerely to Lulu, before realizing again that perhaps
this wasn’t the best time.

Hyacinth turned her head toward Celery, who was perched precariously on her shoulder, and once more pretended to listen.

“Celery says you’re going to change your mind as soon as you see how much fun Mad Mad and I are having.
Oh, and that she thinks your new nickname should be Carrot, because then we’d have Celery and Carrot.”

“Don’t call me Carrot. And you look like a pirate with that ferret on your shoulder,” Lulu said disdainfully.

“Oh my gosh! Celery and I are obsessed with pirates. Only we wish they’d get better clothes. Why does everything have to be
so drab? What’s wrong with a nice pantsuit?”

“I am impressed by this little one; taking insults as compliments is quite a skill,” Theo said knowingly to the group. “A
lot of people don’t realize that.”

“Thank you for that stimulating discussion, Chubby. And Lulu, you needn’t worry; we have placed her in the extra bedroom across
from the barbershop,” Mrs. Wellington explained.

“I don’t remember a room being there,” Garrison said suspiciously.

“Madame has me wallpaper over doors when rooms are out of service,” Schmidty intoned.

“Yeah, that makes sense,” Lulu deadpanned. “Why close a door when you can spend the day wallpapering over it?”

“Contestants, please see Hyacinth—”

“Hyhy,” Hyacinth corrected.

“Please see Hyhy to her room so Schmidty can prepare lunch.”

“Fine, let’s go,” Lulu begrudgingly acquiesced.

“Lulu, can I hold your hand?” Hyacinth asked with a huge smile.

“That is a really bad idea,” Garrison informed Hyacinth. “I think Theo’s a better bet.”

Hyacinth placed Celery on the floor before grabbing Theo’s hand excitedly.

“I really hope you’re an avid hand washer or Purell user,” Theo mumbled to Hyacinth.

“Oh my gosh! How fun is this?” Hyacinth said to Theo animatedly. “Yet another memory for your wedding toast.”

“You do realize the legal age for marrying in the United States is eighteen, right?” Theo responded. “And don’t get any ideas
about me, OK? I’m not letting someone lock me down until I’m at least thirty. I’m quite the catch back home, just so you know.”

“Yeah, he’s the renegade in glasses,” Lulu said sarcastically as she led the group upstairs.

The extra room, as Mrs. Wellington referred to it, was actually labeled that on its door. There was a small black-and-white
sign hanging from the dark wooden door that read T
HE
E
XTRA
R
OOM
.

“So here is your room, Hyhy. Our rooms, as you probably saw, are at the start of the hall,” Lulu explained as she flung open
the door, revealing a small, quaint room with black-and-white tartan wallpaper and a green paisley bedspread.

“Well, it’s fine for my luggage to be in here, but I’ll be staying with you and Mad Mad.”

“No way,” Lulu responded.

“Yes way! Yes way! Yes way! Yes way!” Hyacinth chanted back.

“Perhaps we can discuss this later, Lulu,” Madeleine interjected. “For now, Hyhy, why don’t you unpack, and we will be right
down the hall.”

“Why don’t we unpack together? It will be such a great memory for us to share!”

“I’m pretty sure I’m speaking for the whole group when I say that I would rather not have that memory,” Lulu explained before
turning and walking toward the girls’ room.

“Yeah, we’ll see you in a minute. Seriously, it’s no big deal,” Garrison seconded as he took off after Lulu.

“Mad Mad?” Hyacinth asked in a slightly desperate tone.

“What’s that you say, Garrison?” Madeleine asked as she took off down the hall at warp speed, leaving Theo all alone, with
Hyacinth holding his hand.

“So?” Theo said awkwardly.

“I’m so glad we’re besties.”

“Let’s not rush into anything, OK?”

Hyacinth laughed as she pulled Theo into her room.

“Oh my God! Celery!” Theo screamed as he pointed to the ferret on the floor. “She’s choking on a… croissant!”

Without fully comprehending what Theo had said, Hyacinth bent down to check on her leashed ferret. With only a split second
to escape, Theo took off down the hall, running faster than he ever had. By the time he made it into the girls’ room, locking
the door behind him, he was nearly asthmatic.

“Lo… ck… the… ba… th… room!” Theo panted to Madeleine, Garrison, and Lulu as he stood with his back against the door, scanning
the room as he attempted to
catch his breath. It was exactly as he remembered it: pale pink walls with white polka dots, portraits of cats in tutus, fuchsia
curtains, mauve carpet, and cherry-colored paisley duvets.

From the hall Hyacinth pounded on the door, hysterically wailing.

“Theo, what on earth happened out there?” Madeleine asked.

“She sounds like a sea lion,” Garrison added.

“I had to run. It was my only way out. She was holding my hand with some sort of steel grip. She may not look it, but I think
she’s a bodybuilder.”

“A ten-year-old bodybuilder? Please,” Lulu scoffed.

“Maybe extraordinary hand strength is the result of some exotic disease she caught from that ferret. Am I the only one who
thinks her behavior is screaming Discovery Channel?”

“Yeah, she is a total freak. I mean, she’s making me rethink all the mean things I said about you, Theo,” Lulu agreed. “And
that says something, because I said a lot, like more than I can even count.”

“You really need to work on your compliments, Lulu.”

“And what on earth was she doing bringing up the
British Empire? As if I’m proud of the British occupation of foreign lands. Hardly! But you certainly can’t hold me responsible.
I wasn’t even alive. Why, my mother wasn’t even alive!”

“Yeah! Your grandma wasn’t even alive!”

“Well, actually no, Theo. She was alive. That’s why I stopped with my mother.”

“Ah, it’s all coming together for me now.”

“She’s just so annoying and unchill.” Garrison paused to think. “She’s the total antisurfer.”

“Um, you’ve never even surfed,” Lulu pointed out.

“That doesn’t mean I don’t know the mind-set; it’s all about being Zen, cool, one with the water.”

“LET ME IN!” Hyacinth screamed as she attempted to ram the door open with her small body.

“Not to distract from the child attempting to knock down the door behind me, but does Mrs. Wellington really know how to talk
to ferrets?”

“Theo, she’s a weirdo, but she’s no Dr. Doolittle. That was pageantry at its best,” Lulu said confidently.

“I’m not sure; I mean, she did train the cats. I wouldn’t put it past her to have found some way to communicate with ferrets,”
Madeleine said sincerely.

“Maddie’s right. When it comes to Wellington, we never know,” Garrison said as he watched the door jostle within its frame.

“I thought we were besties! Is this a test? Are you testing me? Please, I love you guys! Celery says she hates you, but I
don’t! I forgive you for abandoning me in the hall! Please, just come out!”