Class Is Not Dismissed! (11 page)

“Guys, let’s get real about the situation; she’s going to find out one way or another. At least this way she’s prepared,”
Lulu said firmly.

“Please, you must tell me.”

“The triple
B
’s are the Balinese Brown and Burgundy spiders. You already seem to be rather well acquainted
with them,” Mrs. Wellington said with a wry smile. “And the double
B
’s are the Bulgarian beetles. But no need to worry, neither is poisonous. As a matter of fact, the beetles are heralded for
their intellect in Eastern Europe.”

“How many of these horrid creatures are on the loose?” Madeleine whispered hysterically.

“One hundred of each,” Mrs. Wellington said as she winced with anticipation.

“
Ahhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!
” Madeleine hollered, opening her mouth wider than a hippopotamus’s.

“I’m pretty sure I saw her tonsils,” Theo murmured to Hyacinth as he leaned away from Madeleine’s deafening shriek.

“Don’t mention tonsils in front of Celery; she gets superjealous that she doesn’t have any. Celery really wanted to have them
removed so she could sit around and eat ice cream all day, so you can imagine how disappointed she was when she learned she
didn’t have any,” Hyacinth whispered back.

Theo merely nodded his head in response to Hyacinth’s strange rant on ferret tonsils before focusing his attention back on
Madeleine.

“Maddie, don’t worry, I’m not going to let anything happen to you,” Garrison said heroically.

“Garrison, how can you say that? You’re not even a trained exterminator.”

If Madeleine hadn’t been so terrified, she might have found Garrison’s pledge romantic in a
Gone With the Wind
sort of way. But she was far too preoccupied fighting the urge to vomit to bother blushing at Garrison’s macho gesture.

“I can’t stay here. Summerstone is a pit of spiders and beetles,” Madeleine wailed. “Hundreds of spiders and beetles on the
loose. Please, I can’t bear it! Throw me out the window! Or just kill me! They could be anywhere! Absolutely anywhere! Wait!
I think I feel something on my leg! What is it? Someone look! It’s moving!” Madeleine screamed while flailing about on the
bed.

“Miss Madeleine, we are to leave as soon as you’re dressed. I’m afraid the bugs are only half the story,” Schmidty announced
glumly before turning his eyes to Mrs. Wellington.

“The burglar left us a rather disturbing note,” Mrs. Wellington said, handing the letter to Madeleine.

“I found it on my desk in the classroom this morning,” Mrs. Wellington said. “Clearly it’s from an old beauty queen looking
for a rematch.”

“I’m a little surprised the burglar signed it ‘All the best.’ How many thieves are that polite?” Theo asked the group.

“I bet Munchauser’s behind this,” Lulu said confidently. “He is a gambling addict, after all. He probably got in too deep
at the racetrack and is looking for stuff to pawn.”

“While it’s true that Munchauser once lost his daughter in a game of poker, his cat in a game of chess, and his great-aunty
Bertha in a game of blackjack,” said Mrs. Wellington, “I certainly don’t think he would ever steal from me. Actually, on second
thought, I could imagine him lifting a few dollars here and there, but my wigs? Grace’s shell? No, I don’t believe it.”

“We really must go if we are to make it to Boston in time,” Schmidty stated emphatically.

“Yay!” Hyacinth exploded enthusiastically. “Road trip!”

M
adeleine sat sullenly on Summerstone’s front porch, dressed in makeshift body armor consisting of a shower cap, her night
veil, and an oversized plastic rain poncho. On her forehead was a rather large silhouette of the eight-legged beast she had
vigorously demolished. So detailed was the impression that Theo could actually see the minute hairs on the spider’s legs.

“Theo, tell me the truth—it’s ghastly, isn’t it?” Madeleine said in a nervous manner.

“Oh, no,” Theo responded quickly, “you hardly notice it, except when looking at your face…”

“Theo!” Lulu yelled. “What is wrong with you?”

“Sorry! I hadn’t thought out my lie, and then I became mesmerized by the detail of the imprint, and the next thing you know,
I’m telling the truth. I think that spider may have hypnotic powers… so don’t blame me… for the insensitive thing I said…”
Theo trailed off as Hyacinth shoved her ear against Celery’s mouth.

“Theo, Celery wants to know what’s next. Are you planning to ask Madeleine about her crooked English teeth? Basically Celery
thinks you are a superrude marshmallow,” Hyacinth uttered with a smile.

“Excuse me, but my teeth are perfectly straight,” Madeleine corrected Hyacinth before opening her mouth wide.

“But you’re English, aren’t you?”

“Yes, of course I am.”

“Celery thought all English people had bad teeth,” Hyacinth muttered. “Sorry. You know how ferrets can be, always believing
stereotypes. Honestly, I have no idea where she picks this stuff up.”

Luckily for Celery, Madeleine was too worried about the spider imprint to bother with the prejudiced ferret.

“You don’t think it will scar, do you? I must get fringe immediately.”

“Fringe?” Theo asked.

“Bangs to you Americans,” Madeleine explained. “I can’t spend my life looking at a spider imprint on my own head. Can you
imagine anything worse?”

“Oh, I could
definitely
imagine something worse, but then again, that’s my personality.”

Lulu and Garrison stared at Theo with frustration. The boy lacked all social graces.

“That was a rhetorical question, wasn’t it?” he said. “I really hate those.”

Theo and Hyacinth were nominated to keep Madeleine calm while Lulu and Garrison checked on Mrs. Wellington and Schmidty, who
were packing the essentials for the journey to Boston. Madeleine didn’t care that they were going to Boston; she only cared
that she was leaving Summerstone. This was especially true now that she had convinced herself that the spiders and beetles
were crossbreeding. The girl was absolutely certain
that beeders or spidles would be hatching any second now.

Lulu and Garrison stormed into the foyer, eyes rapidly scanning the walls for spiders or beetles. Initially Summerstone’s
interior appeared utterly devoid of both the furry-legged beasts and their hard-shelled friends. It was only after Lulu noticed
an earring moving on one of the pageant photos that she realized the enormity of the situation. Two beetles had rather astutely
hidden in plain sight, each suctioning itself to Mrs. Wellington’s photographed earlobes. How the beetles knew to do such
things could be explained in only one way: the Bulgarian beetles really were the intellectuals of the Tenebrionidae family.

“There’s a couple of beetles on the pageant photos,” Lulu said, moving closer to Garrison.

“Look at the hydrangeas.”

“They’re smarter than we are, or at least smarter than Theo,” Lulu said softly as she noticed a brown-and-burgundy spider
crawling out from under the flowers.

“Contestants!” Mrs. Wellington shouted while running down the stairs in a fluffy pink tutu. “We haven’t a second to spare
if we’re going to make it on time.”

Schmidty, with a valise in hand, waddled quickly after Mrs. Wellington. Oddly, the old man didn’t seem the slightest bit surprised
or embarrassed by the tutu ensemble.

“I hate to be an ageist,” Lulu said, surveying Mrs. Wellington’s ridiculous ballerina getup, “but you are way, way, way too
old to wear that. So let’s spare that second and change this outfit. Stat.”

“Oh, don’t be a pageant Neanderthal, Lulu. I’ve won more titles in this tutu than I can count. Now really, we must hurry.
And Schmidty, don’t forget Macaroni and the gun.”

“Wait a minute. What are we doing, exactly? Because I don’t think Theo’s going to be cool with a gun. And frankly, neither
am I,” Garrison added. “Surfers are all about peace, remember?”

“Mister Garrison, it’s a flare gun, to signal the sheriff to get us at the bottom of the hill,” Schmidty said as he flung
open Summerstone’s heavy front door. “We haven’t time to dawdle. Hurry!”

Mrs. Wellington, Schmidty, Macaroni, Lulu, Garrison, Madeleine, Theo, and Hyacinth ran toward Summerstone’s Vertical Tram.

“Schmidty, are we sure the SVT can handle all our weight?” Theo asked. “Because now we’ve got Wellington, Hyacinth, and that
ferret. And in all honesty, I may have put on an extra pound or two in the last couple of days.”

“It’s fine, Mister Theo. But we really must hurry.”

“Are you all absolutely certain no spiders or beetles or crossbreeds escaped on you? Have you checked thoroughly, because
should I find another bug on me, there really is no telling what I’ll do,” Madeleine stated theatrically.

Lulu smiled nervously at Madeleine before subtly patting down her strawberry-blond locks and checking her earlobes.

“I really hope someone brought snacks,” Theo whined. “I tend to get cranky when traveling without food.”

T
he sheriff, dressed in his khaki uniform and a large brown hat, leaned against a beat-up white van at the base of Summerstone.
Until awfully recently, the van had been dragged up and down the mountain by a rickety wooden crane. Thankfully for all involved,
the SVT was now in place. (Although watching the tram sputter and rattle down the mountain was not the most reassuring of
sights.)

Not surprisingly, Lulu positioned herself to be first
off the tram. Once out, the young girl immediately hunched over to regain her composure. The ride down the mountain had been
a long and painful affair. Never mind that it was only four minutes; it felt like hours to Lulu. As the young girl breathed
deeply, Theo performed a series of stretches, much to the sheriff’s amusement.

“My age is really starting to catch up with me,” Theo said with a sigh. “I’m pretty sure I pulled a muscle on the ride down.
Those little bumps against the mountain sure can hurt a man.”

Unsure how to respond, the sheriff simply tipped his hat to the frenetically moving boy. Theo was instantly taken with the
gesture and vowed to buy himself a wide-brimmed hat for the start of school. He imagined himself trolling the halls for hooligans,
wearing not only his sash but a hat. And on the occasions when he passed a highly regarded teacher, he would tip that hat.
The tipping of the hat seemed far more mysterious and cooler than the full-body hug, his usual manner of greeting people.