Authors: Rachel Burns
When every pot
was put away Maria grabbed my arm and brought me back down to the
laundry room. I ironed the clothes that I had hung up this afternoon.
It was really
late by the time I was finished. I fell into bed and what felt like a
few minutes later Maria was waking me again. I went down and started
washing again. It was unbelievable how much laundry piled up in a
house this size. The girls' uniforms were here again. I got right to
work washing and hanging up clothes.
The first hour
was boring because I didn't have anything to do. Then I had lots to
do a couple of hours later.
Maria came for me
at lunchtime again. I turned off the iron and followed her up. I felt
totally starved in the meantime.
I had to dish out
food for the other girls first before I got to sit down and eat. I
took more rice than yesterday and today they had beans. I took a huge
spoonful of those too. Maria gave me a look like she felt that I was
taking too much. I ate everything quietly and quickly. They hardly
talked to each other now that Tata was gone.
They just ate and
Maria would ask questions or give orders and the men mostly grunted.
The doctor had been gone since the second day. And the number of
women had decreased. The ones from the beauty area had been gone
since auction day.
There really was
plenty for me to do. I didn't complain but every day I got more and
more to do. I had to help with breakfast in the mornings and help
clean up afterwards then I had to head down to the laundry room
again. I had even started washing clothes before breakfast so things
would move ahead quicker. At eleven I went back upstairs to help with
lunch, which were just reheats from supper the night before.
The girls ignored
me like I really was just one of the staff as I put their food on
their plates. They even got treats on some days. I ate little and
worked hard all day. Maria was teaching me where to take the clean
folded clothes and towels too.
I was moving all
over the house and getting a better idea what was going on here. They
made films with the girls and sold them online.
The girls all
hated me in the meantime.
I changed their
bedding once a week. They all pounced on me when I came in to remove
their sheets. They asked questions and I informed them that I was a
slave here. I had to sleep with Mr. Glossner when he was here and
work when he wasn't. They told me that he had slept with most of them
too. They claimed that their time with him was on film to prove it.
The two who had
to satisfy the policemen made a game out of pushing me and trying to
trip me as I removed their bedding. No one helped me. I was all
alone. They at least had each other.
It was the same
story when I remade their beds. No one said thank you and I felt so
weak and so tired and I wasn't getting enough sleep.
I daydreamed
about sleeping.
Tata had been
gone for over three weeks now and I still hadn't gotten my period. I
was guessing that I was pregnant. I tried to eat more but I just
couldn't. Working in the kitchens was getting hard on me too. The
smells were often too much for me but I breathed in slowly and calmed
my stomach down.
I started to
dream about food. I dreamt I was living in a hotel and room service
brought me my food so I could stay in bed to eat it. It was hard not
to daydream as I stood there ironing.
Maria found a new
chore for me to do. After the evening meal I was to turn the chairs
over and put them on the tables and scrub the floor in the cafeteria
and kitchen on my hands and knees. After that I still had to take
care of the laundry. It was usually one or two in the morning when I
finally got to go to bed. Maria woke me at six. She slapped me if I
worked too slowly. On the average I got slapped around six times a
day. I didn't cry anymore.
The men left me
alone, completely. I was thankful for that.
I worried about
the baby a lot too. Did I even want it? Would he? How would he react?
One day Maria grabbed me by my ear again and brought me to the beauty
rooms. My hair got ripped out again while I wondered if they would
somehow notice that I was expecting a child.
I figured that he
wouldn't let me keep it. He would sell it for money but then again
his mother had had three children, all boys. Or had there been more?
Had they sold the girl babies?
I didn't think
that anyone else knew that I was expecting.
I stood in the
kitchen cutting onions, hundreds of onions. It was getting so hard to
stand on my own two feet. I worried about passing out.
Would they kick
me to get me back up, thus killing the baby?
I worried about
passing out while I was ironing too. I feared the iron would fall on
me. I already had several burn marks on my arms from when I hadn't
moved my arm out of the way fast enough. One arm was more awake than
the other in those moments.
I filled freezer
bag after freezer bag of chopped up onions. I guessed they were
preparing for winter. I picked up the next onion and cut it opened
and pushed the brown layers into a pail for that and then I chopped
it into little pieces and filled it into a bag. I grabbed the next
bag and then the next. This job was never ending.
“Did you miss
me, Sandra?”
I turn and saw
Tata standing there smiling at me. I still had the knife in my hands.
My hand jerked forward and I stabbed him in the stomach. “No more
raping,” I said. I pulled the knife back out of him and his hands
moved to cover up his bleeding stomach. He looked so surprised as he
looked at me and then down at his stomach. He turned away from me and
left the room.
His brother had
come in with him. He strode across the kitchen and grabbed my hand
and took the knife away from me. He slapped me hard and I landed on
the floor. My hands had opened up and they slapped down loudly. He
pulled me to my feet by yanking on my hair until I was standing.
“I'll show you
what punishment is.”
Maria grabbed his
arm and said something. He nodded at her and pulled me out of the
kitchen. I was running to keep up with him. He still had me by my
hair. The cafeteria was filling up with new students. They were
sitting at the tables and talking and laughing. There were boys here
too. They laughed at me as I went by.
The man I only
knew as Herr Schweitzer brought me out to the courtyard. He brought
me to a post that was sticking out of the ground. It looked like a
tree that had grown here once but now just the high trunk was left.
It had no branches.
The six that had
come with me were out here watching closely what was going on. They
hated me so whatever my punishment would be they would love it.
Thomas pushed me
face first against the post. He grabbed my hands and tied them
together. He left and came back with a nail and a hammer.
I was so scared
that he wanted to pound the huge nail through my hands.
“Raise your
hands up, higher, higher.” He lifted the nail to my hands and
positioned it. I raised them even higher by standing on my tippy
toes. He hammered the nail into the wood.
I sighed
relieved. My whole body moved down as I exhaled. The ropes that were
tying my hands were now resting on the nail.
He ripped my
dress open down my back and down to the hem. It fell away from me. He
opened my bra and just let that hang open too. With one rip he tore
away my underwear.
I heard the
others laughing at me. They were speculating what I had been up to
this time.
Tata's brother
hit me with what I guessed was a belt. He started high and the belt
hit my ear. He worked his way down and then up again.
I worried about
the baby. Could something so little survive this? Or could it survive
because it was so little? My stomach was away from him. I prayed that
what was best for the baby would happen. If it died now then I would
know that it was someplace safe, but if it lived then maybe there was
a chance that it could be happy in this odd family.
“I'll beat you
until you are begging me to stop.”
I was upsetting
him because I was being too quiet. Tata had wanted me to scream out
in pain too so the others would learn from my mistakes.
I twisted a
little because my arms felt like they were being ripped out of the
sockets.
He belted me over
my back always hitting the same spot. I was breathing heavy but I
wasn't screaming. I knew he would move to another spot if I did, but
I didn't have the energy for that. I closed my eyes and prayed that I
could just die and take the baby with me. That way we could both be
safe.
I imagined what
heaven would be like. I saw myself sitting on a picnic blanket with a
beautiful baby crawling around me. It would sit down, smile at me and
clap its tiny hands. The sun was shining and there was food there
too. Lots of good tasting food that didn't make me sick would be on
the blanket with us.
I was at peace.
“Sandra, wake
up.” Tata was there. He was cutting the ropes at my hands. I slid
down the post to the ground. I wanted to pass out again.
Tata tried to
cover me up but the ripped fabric wouldn't stay put. He turned and
lifted me into his arms.
“I'm sorry,
Tata. I'm just so afraid of you.” I laid my head on his chest and
he carried me up to my room again. Would he beat me and rape me now?
I woke in the
middle of the night. Tata was sitting in bed reading something. He
set the papers to the side and looked down at me. He didn't look
happy. “That wasn't exactly the greeting that I had hoped for.”
I just stared at
him not knowing what to say. Should I just tell him that I was
pregnant? I hadn't lost the baby so maybe it could work out. Maybe
they would let me sleep more if they knew.
“On your hands
and knees, now. You know the routine.” He sounded so mad, but what
could I expect after stabbing him.
I obeyed as
always. He smacked my bottom several times before he entered me. He
took me hard and fast. That was new for me.
I was relieved
when it was over and I got to sleep again.
He didn't wrap
his arm around me like he usually did. I had made him unhappy. I was
a bad slave. I regretted it already.
I had
immediately. It had been so unlike me, a reflex and it had happened
so fast that I didn't realize that it had happened until it was over
and done with.
Temporary
insanity?
The birds singing
woke me and I got up before Maria could come and get me. I picked out
new clothes and showered as quick as I could.
I took the
laundry down to the laundry room and started working. There was so
much to do because Tata and his brothers were back now. I washed
their shirts so they could get hung up and dry. Then I washed the
rest.
I knew I should
go up to breakfast and help out there but they probably didn't want
me by the knives anymore anyway.
I sewed my dress
together. It took hours. My hands were still shaking. They had sewing
stuff down here and I replaced buttons as needed. I sewed my
underwear together too because I really didn't have that much stuff.
Tata had taken so
much away from me when he sorted things out.
I stood on
shaking legs and ironed his shirts. It was time for lunch and I was
starving. Would he let me eat or would he still be mad.
I brought the
shirts up to our room on their hangers. I had to move very slowly. I
really needed a rest.
I was completely
winded by the time I reached the top of the stairs. I took a little
break before I went into our room. The door was closed. I usually
left it open, like an American. The Europeans had their doors closed,
little cultural differences.
I opened the door
and Tata was sitting on the bed. He looked really surprised to see
me.
I kept my head
hung and went to the wardrobe and hung up his shirts. I turned to
look at him to see if he wanted anything from me. He was just staring
at me.
“I'll have the
rest of your things finished this afternoon, before supper even,” I
assured him.
He didn't say
anything so I left, taking his brothers' things to their rooms. I
hung their things on their doorknobs. He had followed me out and he
was just watching me.
I gave him a nod
and went down the stairs again. He was following me but from a safe
distance. Was he afraid that I had gotten hold of another knife?
When I stepped
into the cafeteria Maria marched over to me and slapped me. I managed
to stay on my feet. I had no idea what she was saying but she pulled
me by my ear where she wanted me to be. I stood there waiting to feed
the others.
Maria let go and
went off to get an apron for me. She threw it at my feet.
I picked it up
and put it on. I choke back my tears because I knew that Tata was
here watching me. I had heard him come in but I was too chicken to
look his way.
The woman brought
out the pots. Rice and the same sort of goulash crap that made my
stomach churn. The first group was coming in. It was all boys. My
hands were still shaking as I put food on their plates.
They were all
mad. They were British and complaining loudly. A few asked me what
was in this crap.
I answered them
and they looked at me even closer. One made a joke and said I could
have his portion. Others asked me what was going on here. They wanted
to know where the girls were. Apparently they had been separated.
I told them I
didn't know. They didn't buy that and Tata came over and stood behind
me. He yelled at them to sit down and eat. He had his cane in his
hands and they obeyed him.
“Sandra, you
aren't information. Ignore them and never answer their questions.
Have I made myself clear?” His voice rose as he spoke.