A shy, enchanting smile curved her lips, and she lifted her mouth to his for one more kiss. “I know.”
****
Kay waded out with Nate, hand in hand.
Be happy.
She was, in that moment, happier than she could ever recall being, despite everything being essentially unresolved. Maybe that was a sign for things to come.
“There they are. Have a nice swim, kids?” Patti called out.
“Lovely.” Kay couldn’t help her fiery blush.
“Nothing like a hot swim on a cool day,” Nate said casually, his eyes on her. Then he flushed deep red and rolled his eyes as he realized what he’d said.
Laughter burst from their friends. Kay couldn’t help herself, and she joined in.
Nate busied himself wrapping a towel around Kay and drying her off, his own shoulders shaking with suppressed chuckles. “Oh, hell, can’t believe I said that,” he muttered in her ear.
She caught his face in her hands and kissed him. “Being with you is never boring.”
After throwing on her shirt and pareu and finger-combing her hair, Kay got her beer and sat in the chair between Nate and JoAnn. His trip idea was good. Nate was so patient. He was giving her time. With time, she could untangle her mind and insecurities and sort out the valid from the neurotic. They would talk. Work it out.
She scooped a dollop of guacamole with the tortilla chip and popped the bite into her mouth, savoring the salty crunch with the buttery avocado, tart lime, and pungent cilantro. A cool sip of beer followed to wash down the tasty mouthful.
Simple pleasures, surrounded by friends, conversations and laughter—this was what made the lake so right.
When she had been little, sitting on a beach like this, on an evening like this, it had been Fritos, onion dip and grape soda pop, the grownup conversations and joking around then so strangely the same as now, all about fish and work and boats and dreams.
Nate leaned forward, snagged a chip, scooped more guacamole and fed her the chip. He caught the smudge of dip on her lip with his finger and playfully dared her to lick it off.
She did, closing her mouth over his finger, sucking slow and teasing. Nate’s eyes darkened and his smile heated. Kay’s focus zoomed close and fine: Nate’s rich gray eyes, his fingers’ slide against her tongue and lips, salt, lime, the beat of her heart.
“Oh, get a room.” Lloyd cracked a laugh and pitched his fishing cap at Nate.
Nate grinned and whaled the cap back at him. The two broke into shakes of laughter like goofy boys. Nate was so good at just rolling with the moment.
After supper, Nate drew her aside. “Want to take a walk? Watch the moon rise?”
“Sure.” No hesitation dogged her mind this evening. Maybe her decision-making ability was finally coming back online. She wanted to spend the time with him, alone. They could start talking about…well, start talking about talking.
After saying their good nights, they gathered their towels and beach bags and headed out under the lingering light of the sunset. They agreed on the longer walk at the trail fork. Although the air temperature had eased off, heat still radiated from the stony ground.
“Great night tonight.” Nate slid his hand into hers. The trail here widened enough to walk side by side. “Hey, did I tell you Dad’s taken up a new hobby? He’s taken to cooking like a duck to water and expanding his horizons beyond barbeque.”
“He’s enjoying his retirement.”
“Loving it and driving Mom insane in the exact opposite way she guessed he would. She was always afraid he’d turn into a couch potato.”
They paused to let a chattering covey of quail strut across the path, their topknots bobbing.
“I think he’s going to go overboard on the barbeque plans when I get home this time.”
Kay tensed up, wondering if he was going to press for more of a commitment to the trip. But honestly, getting tense was foolish, since she was mostly decided on going. “In your e-mails their barbeques have always sounded like fun.”
Nate rubbed his thumb over her hand. “Always fun. I’m looking forward to finally living close and seeing them as often as I like, without having to rush my visits. I went straight from getting the key to the house to picking up the Whisper and my truck from Lloyd to here. I feel like I’ve been running on a treadmill for the last eleven years. It’s really good to get off.”
“I’m happy for you. I know how you’ve missed them.” Kay felt kind of dizzy that he’d come to see her even before his parents. “So…when we get up there, what’s the plan? In Oregon?”
“Well, beyond the barbeque, we can play it by ear. Hang out, sightsee, whatever feels good to you. No pressure. There’s plenty of room to stay with my folks. Too bad you won’t get to meet my brothers and sister this time.”
“Danny and Gabe should be home from their deployments soon, right?”
Stay with his
parents
? No pressure? Oh, boy.
The soft glowing apricot and lilac deepened across the sky into star-flecked ultramarine. The trail narrowed, and she had to let go of Nate’s hand.
He let her take the lead. “Both home before Thanksgiving, if all goes well, and Callie’s coming home at Christmas. This will be the first Christmas with all of us together in six years.”
“That’s great.” The last Christmas spent with her family intact flashed into her mind and tore like rusty tin. She swallowed hard and shoved the painful chaos away. Not going there.
The moon rose pale and a sliver shy of full. They found a cozy spot to sit. Kay leaned against Nate’s chest, his arms around her waist. He hummed faintly, an unknown melody this time. Cicadas creaked in their bushes. A coyote sang nearby. Another answered far off.
“Tell me more about Oregon,” she said, surprising herself.
He told her about the house on its wooded hillside, the neighborhood, the Siuslaw National Forest, the people he’d met, some of the history and legends, the green, the rain, the summer fog, the fishing, the studio work he’d be doing, the marina that might become a homeport for the Whisper. And all through, his storytelling voice and excitement drew her in, making her curious, making her want, making her dream…
She shifted uneasily in his arms. “It’s so different.”
“That it is.” He smiled broadly, supremely confident.
Out of nowhere, clammy, claustrophobic panic ambushed and skittered through her. Not just Oregon. Everything. She had let Nate get too close in her life.
I don’t know what to do.
She forced herself to stay put in his embrace. “I wish I could be sure. It’s just so different,” she blurted.
“I’m sure.” He firmed his hug.
Her claustrophobic reaction exploded and she pressed her hand against his thigh, needing to tear herself away and fighting the urge.
“That isn’t enough,” she whispered
. I’m not sure, and I hate this feeling of being out of control. I need to be sure of me again.
He stiffened and a chill pause opened between them.
“What is then, Kay? I asked you to come live with me, because I meant it. I asked you to marry me, because I love you. You’ve shown me the world you love. Come with me and let me show you the world I love.”
“I’ve always lived here in the desert. It’s hard to…Oh, it’s just not that simple.” Kay yanked free from his arms and scrambled to her feet. She snatched up her bag. She needed to walk.
Nate rose, shaking his head, his mouth a firm set line. “Of course it’s not. I know you love the desert, but think of the new places we can see together.”
“I can’t drop what I’m doing at the snap of a finger. I’ve got my job, my stuff. I’ll have to quit my job, find another. What if I can’t find another?” She despised the shrill tone in her voice, but she couldn’t rein in her anxiety.
He smiled, all smug male confidence. “Don’t worry about it, babe, I have it covered. You can take your time.” He took her bag from her and slung the straps of both bags over his shoulder.
Not worry? How could she not worry about income or insurance? And how was he planning to make a living on part-time studio work? So many practicalities they had not even begun to consider. How short a time they’d known each other face-to-face. They knew so little about each other. Too little.
Her mind churned, and she blurted out her inane calculation, “We’ve only known each other twelve weeks. Really, not counting letters, Internet and occasional phone calls.”
He shrugged impatiently. “It only shows we know what’s really important or not.”
What kind of answer was that? “You don’t understand.” She stepped back, but was out of room to escape that way with the steep hillside and path behind her. Forward was the trail along the spit of land, but he blocked the path and she’d have to pass him over ground rough with rock and cholla.
He stepped forward, crowding her. “You’re right, I don’t understand, but honestly I’m trying to, believe me, Kay—but you have to help me. What goes on in your head?”
“Nothing, obviously.” The crashing need to escape battered at her, but she stood her ground. She couldn’t let her panic win this time. She wouldn’t.
“Kay! Not fair. Listen to me. You’ve taught me to see the magic in the desert, but I think you’ve missed its most important lesson. In the desert if a creature doesn’t adapt, it dies. With life, if you don’t go with the changes or take the risks, it isn’t life at all. Kay, this isn’t something you have to do alone. You can trust me, babe. I promise. Why the hell do you let it scare you?”
She hugged her arms around her. “I’m not scared.”
Liar. You trust your body to him, but you won’t trust your heart or feelings to him? Isn’t that kind of warped considering you dove into this affair without much thought six years ago?
No. Of course she was scared. “Can’t we just drop this whole conversation?”
“No, we’ve got to get this all straightened out now.”
Her pulse leapt. Now? What about time? Their trip? “There’s nothing to straighten out.”
“Then, damn it, what is it? Help me out here, because I need a clue apparently.” He stood there under the moonlight, hands on hips, his face harsh with frustration.
“Really, Nate.” Please, please, please, this was going all wrong. A sick churning wormed through her. This was supposed to be a relaxing walk and an easy conversation. She was supposed to be working on making their changing relationship work and talking in a calm, rational discussion.
“Well? People change jobs, move to new places, meet new people, see new things. It’s normal, it makes life exciting.”
Exciting as a horror movie in her mind, and she didn’t do horror movies. She shuddered.
So, tell him about Boston, about getting that job offer, about how you fouled that one up, because you’re so messed up you couldn’t even board the plane. Suck up your pride and tell him the rest of it, too.
He gestured with open hands and his voice softened. “I know your teaching job is important to you—”
“I…Oh, damn it all, why did you have to go and change things? What we had—have, is good.”
Nate caught her stumble over the words. His face hardened, and his words tore out, “What’s good about it? You tell me. Love at a distance? I want more. I thought you did too. Why don’t you tell me what you want then? I asked because I love you. I asked because I believed you felt the same. Yeah, yeah, I know we never used the words—”
He took a hard breath. “Damn it, Kay, you don’t have to do it alone. I promise. You’re so self-sufficient all the time, can’t you let yourself need? Be needed? Can’t you let yourself be cared for? Can’t you believe in what we feel? Can’t you believe in what we have? We’re great together. And I’m not just talking sex. I know what I want. You. I love you. I need you.”
His eyes pinned her like a stake through the heart. “You got to decide what you want, Kay. You got to decide about me!”
Chapter Ten
Kay flinched away. “You say I have a decision to make. You’re pushing me.” This whole discussion turned confrontation was wrong. They never argued.
Her need to escape won and drove her off the path into hard steps forward.
He blocked her, catching her by the shoulder. “Kay—”
“I need to make the decision myself. Back off.”
“Fine.” His flat tone unnerved her. He let go. “Fine. I’m going for a swim.” Without waiting for her, he spun on his heel and sauntered down the slope to the tiny, sheltered cove where a scrap of sandy beach shone pale in the moonlight. He dumped their bags and towels, toed off his shoes, yanked his T-shirt over his head and flung it to the sand.
Kay hovered there on the edge of the drop. Follow or escape? The shakes rattled through her, and she winced against the old memories banging for recognition.
Can’t you give it a rest? Fine, go and sulk, Melissa. Do you have to turn every damn discussion into an argument
?
The scree was slippery, and Kay ended up at the bottom on her rear end with her thin sandals full of sand and pebbles. Nate was already swimming hard away from shore into the dark.